Suicidal thoughts 90% of the time

[Ammy]

Guys,

 

I know this is dumb. But I am hurting so badly. Combination of rejection, depression, OCD and PMS. I can't see the light.

 

This guy dumped me after only a few weeks and I know that should not make me feel like this.

 

I have exams and assessments, and uni has always been the one thing I can control, if all else fails, I do well in uni and that lifts my mood and self worth / esteem. I figure relationships don't work for me, but at least I'll have the best career and be a success.

 

But now uni assessments are piling up, they're overdue (my lecturer has cut me some slack given I am one of his top students) but I can't prolong them for more than a few days. I can't do them though. I can't concentrate. I feel so much pain.

 

What do I do?

 

I won't suicide because of my mum... But I am even having thoughts of taking her and my pets with me.. Souinds crazy and I would never do it because I also have a sister who I couldnt do it to. But I want nothing more than to give up - my mum's life is crap too, my dad died last year. We have nothing, only a life of pain. I know I have things that COULD happen for me, but not for mum... and I don't want to endure anymore pain in the meantime, it's not worth it for fleeting happiness.

 

I am seeing my psych on Thurs night, and think I should go to the doctor tomorrow. But I dont have time, I have to do these assessments, but then I dont do them either. I can't sleep properly, finding it hard to get up, to eat. I have to work tomorrow - I'm a psych intern myself, how do I work when I'm like this?

 

I feel so dumb and out of control.

[meteorstrike]

I know it sucks Ammy but time heals all things. Just do anything and everything to get your mind off of him. It's important to keep yourself occupied for the next week or two.

[lucyblue10]

I think it would be a good idea to see a doctor/counsellor as soon as possible. Explain to them how you are feeling and maybe then can contact your uni dept and explain the situation and get you an extension for your assignments.

[LAYAAN]

I know how you feel. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but a lot of what you have posted rings a familiar tone.

I'm not gonna start with my sad saga. Instead, I'll focus on what might help you. I tell myself these things too.

1) First and foremost thing is your health. Nothing can be accomplished without it. Eat healthy (its possible even if you are working 16 hours a day.) Eat whole grain bread, fruits, packed veggies (you can steam them in the microwave), ready-to-go protein bars or protein shakes. Take multivitamins.

2) Exercise - walking, taking staircase, stretching, riding bicycle on campus. If you have dedicated time to go to gym, great, if not, do little things that I mentioned.

3) Meditate - Make a conscious effort to sit still, quiet for a few min. Take all the focus away from yourself, your problems, worries, work, pets, mom, anything, everything associated with you and just be present in the moment.

4) Pray - if that helps you. It helps me to write a prayer journal.

5) Prioritize - big time. If you have school work to do, do that 1st. Men can come after this. Even if you turn 40, there still will be eligible men around that age. Understand that you need this degree. You have put in too much to give up and leave. But only you can do your studies. Noone else can. Learn to compartmentalize your emotions and attitude. There is a time and place for everything. You have to give priority to your school work, get your degree, get a job, move on in life. You will feel proud of yourself.

6) See things in perspective - Always. People have their own preferences when it comes to dating, people have choices as well. Some people are honest, some are not. You can't change them. Learn to be thankful. "Sometimes not getting something is a wonderful stroke of luck." I believe that. Learn from your lessons, count your blessings, move on.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. I can only imagine what your family must be going through. Its natural to want to be close to a male during this time, but you have to be careful. A bad guy may take advantage of your vulnerability. If you fall apart, your mom will be shattered. Hang in there Ammy. This is all a part of growing up. This all is gonna pass. Right now, all that matters is studies and sanity of your mind. Cut the junk out of your life. If you want to go on dates, go, but don't give them any of your mind space. Date for fun but if its gonna make you sad then don't date.

Take care

[cristal]

It will pass.

 

You are going through a period of self loathing,where death seems like a better option. But.... it is only temporary.

 

Months from now, things will look a lot better. Maybe you can take a week of from school if thats possible, until you regain your footing.

 

Most of us on this board, have been through something similar and have lived to talk about it.

 

So hang on, until the storm has passed.

 

Good luck!

[g84]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down : (. Right now it seems like you're juggling everything at once, but try not to be so hard on yourself. I have seen the other thread as well, and some people have given you great advice there, but i know that it's easier said than done. Take care of one thing at a time. Sometimes when a certain experience has hurt me but i have to try and focus on soemthing else, i tell myself: you have time to worry about that later, for now just focus on what you have to do. I kind of try to place it on a shelf, somewhere in my mind. Then by the time you have completed things, your perspective might already seem different. When things are piled up like this, everything makes everything beside it look worst. Just take one thing at a time right now. Hopefully talking about it with someone will help too. In the end, your health is most important.

[NightLily]

Darling, you are absolutely gorgeous. I severely doubt you are going to have trouble finding a man who is not going to pass up on a beautiful, intellectual, and successful lady.

 

I do know though that the above is easy to listen to but a hard pill to swallow. For me atleast, I can hardly ever see myself that way .. probably because I just see other people as even better than I am in the looks department.

 

It really can be hard to keep up with the daily grind when emotions start to get the best of you. I think it is also natural to start thinking about a way to escape. Suicide can be a means of mental escape.. it is your way of knowing you have a ticket out of everything.

 

If I were you, I'd try to stop thinking about the big picture for now. Pretty much just keep your eyes on the ground right infront of your feet. Do the very next thing you need to get done. Don't focus on anything else. And, picture yourself getting through it.

 

As for the sleep, I would really recommend getting a sleeping aid. I take ambien every now and then and it does help in stressful times (if I stop sleeping I can become mixed/h.m.). Also, force feed yourself. The combination of little food and sleep spells disaster. Even if all you can get down is a smoothie or a coffee with milk and sugar, at least there are calories (smoothies are goood though..)

[LAYAAN]

check with your physician about the medication you are on. You may want to change the dose or something.

 

What also helped me was to download Joyce meyer's lectures free from iTunes. The name of her series is "enjoying everyday life"

[top bloke]

Amy..hi. You have to realise that good and bad happens. That life unfortunately. Its easy to want to give up but it is these moments which define us. We can go on. We are survivors... We just have the choice to give up the ghost or to dust ourselves and get on with our life despite our set backs. If your dad were looking at you right now what do you think would make him proud? I think he would love to see you pick yourself up and go on. Hope this helps...

[Lamprey]

Anytime something bothers me that way, I try to do an honest assessment of what exactly it is that bothers me. I then think of solutions for it, and I fix it. If something can't be fixed, I make myself understand that. Try doing that yourself; rather than hiding from a problem or burying yourself in schoolwork, confront the problem and put it behind ya.

 

Gah, I sound like a shrink. Sorry!

[Greedy Toad]

I'm assuming this is just a rant and you feel like crap and am overwhelmed with everything.

 

Try simply letting go of some of the things you think make you happy. You'll find that they probably don't.

[Ammy]

Amy..hi. You have to realise that good and bad happens. That life unfortunately. Its easy to want to give up but it is these moments which define us. We can go on. We are survivors... We just have the choice to give up the ghost or to dust ourselves and get on with our life despite our set backs. If your dad were looking at you right now what do you think would make him proud? I think he would love to see you pick yourself up and go on. Hope this helps...

 

Thanks everyone.

 

I just feel I've been through too many bad times. I've been resilient for the past 10 years battling with a severe mental illness (OCD) and never let it disable me. I've struggled with relationships for the past 10 years, wanting something, but never managing it, despite trying to grow as a person, work on my shyness (which I have done, besides the physical stuff, I am not not shy with talking, engaging.. etc), and then last year losing my dad. Losing my dad meant I lost my family.. I lost my mum to some extent too - she is not the same strong mum I always had, she tries, but without dad, she has no back-up... I just feel like we're both so lost, and our lives just aren't improving... they're getting worse.

 

I have never been so hopeless before. I cannot see the light anymore. I don't even want to which is what is worse.

 

I will see the doctor tomorrow / crisis counsellor.. and I am going to see my lecturer and explain the situation - I am studying psych, so he will understand my situation... but end of semester is looming and they have to do the marks now or at least soon, so I either forgo a whole subject and redo it.. or I struggle on. Can't cope with redoing it, that will sink me further into depression, but if I do averagely, then what am I gonna do? Lose the one last thing in my life that was going well. 80% of the assessment is over this week and next week... so I'm doomed unless some miracle occurs between now and the next day or so.

 

Sorry I go on a lot.. thanks guys for listening.

 

Ammy

[Tethys]

Ammy, I think you need a break. You can take a semester off or a leave of absence. If you are going through a rough time, you can even talk to your school about a LoA. I think you are putting too much on yourself, and need some time off.

 

If you can get the time off, talk more with your counselor. Also, take a break from the dating world -- remember, fix yourself first! If it's gotten to the point of suicidal thoughts, you need to deal with YOU first, and put everything on hold, and pick it up later.

 

Yes, this too shall pass - but work on your core issues here first. Take a break from the grind (school).

 

I wish you much luck.

[top bloke]

Amy. I have a family member with ocd. It is a hard illness to deal with and I hope your mood lifts very soon. I wish I could wave a magic wand to help you all get better but I cant. I hope you get better soon.

tb

[bulletproof]

Have you considered that you are suffering from atypical depression? Here are the symptoms:

 

A. Mood reactivity (i.e., mood brightens in response to actual or potential positive events)

B. At least two of the following:

 

1. Significant weight gain or increase in appetite ("comfort eating", often carbs and chocolate)

2. Hypersomnia (sleeping too much, as opposed to the insomnia present in melancholic depression)

3. Leaden paralysis (i.e., heavy, leaden feelings in arms or legs)

4. Long-standing pattern of sensitivity to interpersonal rejection (not limited to episodes of mood disturbance) that results in significant social or occupational impairment

 

It's a tricky one because there are good moods, they're just reliant on something positive happening. And the disappointment can hurt that much more if something doesn't work out...

[No One]

I wish that I could give you a hug, right now!

 

A counsellor would be a great idea. Of course you can catch-up on uni by buckling down and piecemealing everyhting - but, that ISN'T going to happen without progress on your emotional front. Be fair to yourself - could you do it if your were having seizures? O.K., then!

[chocolates]

Both my parents died within a year of each other (cancer horrible deaths)

 

I lost my circle of friends because of my grief.

 

I am still standing.

 

And that is the short version.

[Ryley4]

you could maybe try therapy or try talking about going into K.Y.S...ive been through your troubles and after going there i got straightened out big time

[monkeyunderwar]

H & I think ur life is worth living

 

find religion

[No One]

"...so I'm doomed unless some miracle occurs between now and the next day or so.

 

Sorry I go on a lot.. thanks guys for listening."

 

Well - how are things now??

[tawfie]

Ammy, I know that it's easier said than done but why don't you focus more on the positive things in your life. I've been browsing through some of your threads during the past month or so.

 

You have great friends, a wonderful social life and career, don't you? You could perhaps spend more time with those friends, and gain their warm affectionate support and encouragement in times like this. As you said many a time, you have a great job, and a very bright looking future. Try focusing on that.

[skyblue1]

I really hope things get better for you and your mum. It makes me sad hearing reading this. Hang on in there Ammy. You have so much to live for career wise, family, the lovelife part will get better. Just focus i the studying for now. I know how you feel it does hurt you just need to keep on top of things. Keep strong girl xxxxxxxxx