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How important is sexual attraction in marriage?


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Hi all. I have been wondering how important people on here think the sexual aspect of a realationship is when it comes to long term or marriage?

 

Lately, my fiance's sex drive has been slowing down. I know he loves me, respects me and he tells me I am beautiful. He is my best friend and we totally enjoy each other's company over-all....BUT lately, the sex has been minimal and like a chore to him (or so I feel).

 

We have been living together for almost 2 years (moved in early, 3 months into the relationship). We each have a kid from previous relationships and now an 8 month old baby too....it seems like this could be the reason for the slower sex drive ---BUT, it's only in the past month that it has slowed down. It used to be daily or even up to 20 times a day even while pregnant and after baby...this is kinda new.

 

He hasn't worked since December 08 and I have been the breadwinner as I work from home so this may be imasculating....but why now?

 

is it wrong for me to prioritize sex and feel doomed if its been less frequent/satisfying?

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Sexual attraction is very important in a marriage.

 

We each have a kid from previous relationships and now an 8 month old baby too....it seems like this could be the reason for the slower sex drive ---BUT, it's only in the past month that it has slowed down.

 

Children can definitely all but kill a couple's sex life- I have a 22 month old and my husband and I are just starting to get our pre-baby sex drives back. When life is hectic sex can turn into another "chore" for one or both partners unless you actively work at keeping things "sexy". Sleep deprivation, diapers, spit up, and screaming are just about some of the most UNSEXY things on the planet. If you can't get out of mommy or daddy mode- it can be tough to care about sex.

 

Maybe he is also depressed from being unemployed right now.

 

 

It used to be daily or even up to 20 times a day even while pregnant and after baby...this is kinda new.

 

 

With a family that amount of sex seems unrealistic. How much does it happen now since his sex drive has slowed down?

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Also keep in mind that these things tend to move in cycles. My mother has told me (on more than one occasion and when I didn't exactly what to hear this about my parents) that sex drives fluctuate. As the posters above said, stress and kids can be a big factor in that. Apparently (and once again, I did not ask to hear this) my parents are having the best sex of their lives, and they're in their 50's and have been married for 26 years. The cycles just go up and down, and you just do your best to hang on until the next positive cycle. If the love is there, then the sex drive will be there again, too.

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Sexual attraction is very important in a marriage.

 

 

 

Children can definitely all but kill a couple's sex life- I have a 22 month old and my husband and I are just starting to get our pre-baby sex drives back. When life is hectic sex can turn into another "chore" for one or both partners unless you actively work at keeping things "sexy". Sleep deprivation, diapers, spit up, and screaming are just about some of the most UNSEXY things on the planet. If you can't get out of mommy or daddy mode- it can be tough to care about sex.

 

Maybe he is also depressed from being unemployed right now.

 

 

 

 

With a family that amount of sex seems unrealistic. How much does it happen now since his sex drive has slowed down?

 

We have done it in 3 day intervals the past 6 weeks. As apposed to daily contact.

 

The 20 times was actually only once (before baby - and that was in a 24 hour period). But usually he will cum and stay inside, hard and cum again before we are done. Now I'm lucky if he cums once. He is usually more into foreplay - but only preformed oral on me once this month. He usually cares to make sure I cum too -- but lately it seems to be like he just wants to get it over with quick and doesn't get hard again like usual.

 

ALSO: we know each others deep fantisies and we both have some kinky fetishes, but lately it's been mundane...same old same old.

 

Though - he does tell me he loves me all the time, he shows me he loves me and tells me he loves spending time hanging out watching movies, playing games, etc....Our 2 older kids were gone this weekend, and usually that is cause for wild romps all over the house - but nothing this weekend .. He actually prematurely ejaculated for the first time EVER and couldn't get it going to please me afterwards.

 

This is disturbing to me.

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It's very important. In 95% of cases, if the sex dies the relationship dies. If it is on the wane already then you guys need to do something to fix it.

 

I don't know how to approach this. I don't want to do what I did the last 2 times (ask him if he just doesn't want me, or if it's a chore) because that made it worse, and he really didn't want it after. But, a day later he did.

 

I don't know what to do! It's not like it's been more than 3 days at a time, but maybe I am sick.

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Maybe he is

 

*finding pleasure in more "family-oriented" activities and developing new values

*depressed?

*tired (with him not working it might actually be more "work" for him to be at home- which means more time taking care of children and chores)

 

 

he does tell me he loves me all the time, he shows me he loves me and tells me he loves spending time hanging out watching movies, playing games, etc....

 

Even though you both had a child fom a previous relationship. you never had a child "together". Now that you do, your role in his life may have expanded to "mother of my child" , which can change the dynamics a bit.

 

He actually prematurely ejaculated for the first time EVER and couldn't get it going to please me afterwards.

 

Since it has only happened once then I would wait and see if you notice any patterns, then talk about it, very gently. You have to be very careful not to put too much pressure on him or it will only add to his perception that sex is a "chore".

 

Is he doing more housework since he has been unemployed? I know that when I was out of work on maternity leave my sex drive was the worst- I was totally exhausted and very turned-off and tired after doing housework all day. The same could easily happen to anyone (male or female) that spends a lot of time at home with children, when they are normally used to being employed outside the home. For me being at home was more "work" than being at work, and I felt like I was tied to drudgery and it was very monotonous, mundane and socially isolating.

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Yes, he has told me that it is depressing being here every day. Without getting into it too much, I will say that he was kindof forced to stay home from work to take care of me emotionally as I went through a huge breakdown and it's been longer than anticipated to get back out there. He has always worked and this is the first time ANYONE has taken care of him financially since he left home at 16....so I can understand the depression....

 

I just hope things get better once he's back to work next week because I really love having sex with him, it makes me feel sexy and beautiful and wanted.

 

Do I have to look at this as less my physical attractiveness and more the bigger picture? It is hard for me to not beat myself up and blame my jelly belly and looks on it.

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I think it is the bigger picture at work here...

 

Yes, he has told me that it is depressing being here every day. Without getting into it too much, I will say that he was kindof forced to stay home from work to take care of me emotionally as I went through a huge breakdown and it's been longer than anticipated to get back out there. He has always worked and this is the first time ANYONE has taken care of him financially since he left home at 16....so I can understand the depression....

 

That is very significant. Depression makes you tired and you do not enjoy the things that you used to enjoy (i.e. sex)

 

If he has given a lot of his energy taking care of you emotionally- right now he may see sex as another thing he has to "do" (chore) and he might just need some time for himself right now to regroup. There could be some hidden (although unintentional) resentment so you should definitely talk to him about that to see if it is an issue at play here.

 

 

Hopefully things will get better when he does back into work and life feels more normal to him again. See how it goes and be careful not to put the pressure on him. Of course you need to be true to yourself too. I don't think you should be quiet about it if you feel deprived but I think the context says a lot and there are several reasons why he may not feel full or vitality and ready for sex all the time. I don;t think it means he is not sexually attracted to you.

 

This is probably a temporary state once your relationship gets over this bump.

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It's very important. In 95% of cases, if the sex dies the relationship dies. If it is on the wane already then you guys need to do something to fix it.

 

I completely agree with this. If the sex is bad, or non existant... the relationship will be too.

 

Sex makes us happy!!

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It's true. We talked about it at the first 3 months after the initial trauma...and he said he did harbour resentment because I lied to him about an emotional state - so I basically decieved him for almost a year. Though, even when he found out he asked me to marry him .. but we talked that and worked that out back in February...

 

There is not a complete LACK of sex, just less lately...I know it has to do with our situation - he feels emasculated, and wants to get to work. This week he will be getting back into the swing of things and I honestly believe this will help us out...

 

At the same time - it's my reaction that I can control and that's what I'm having a problem doing . How do I get it accross that I physically want/need sex without pressure? without making him feel like he's not satisfying me? How do I feel good about myself when this is giving me the big complex?

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Feeling sexually desired is very important in most marriages. However, I think the most important thing is sexual compatibility. A lowering in his sex drive would not be a problem at all if yours was lowering too. It's the mis-match that causes problems.

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