She needs to be alone and free to find herself, but doesnt want to be with anyone else and loves me?

[Talus]

Hey guys this is my first post and I'm really just needing to tell people about this. I'm 19 yrs old and just recently broke up with my girlfriend, 2 weeks ago, of just over 6 months, actually she broke up with me.

 

Ok here's the details. This is a girl that I absolutely love, she is one of the most gorgeous girls I've ever met, looks wise and personality. From the instant we started talking we clicked. She added me on MSN after seeing me on Myspace, talked all night and I got her number, 2 nights later I met her drunk and took her to a party. We spent the whole night together and I asked her out that night, drunken. I met her the next day for the first time ever sober haha and everything was awesome.

 

Anyways it took me about a month to realise that I was in love with this girl. Now when I say in love with, I actually mean it and she felt/feels the same way. And this is my first love btw, I've had a few relationships before, one even lasted a yr but I'd never actually loved the girl and I didn't even know what it felt like. But I knew what it was as soon as I felt it.

 

Anyways fast forward, for the last month or so of the relationship things weren't going as smoothly, we fought a lot and it seemed to have really lost its spark. Anyways we ended up going on a holiday to QLD with her family and 3 days before we were meant to leave we were having a fight and I pretty much asked her, what does she want from me. She couldn't lie and broke up with me. She wants to just be friends because it wasn't working and she really feels she needs to be alone.

 

Now here's the thing, she still loves me and does not want to be with anyone else. Yes things weren't working but we've both agreed that if there was another time together in the future things would be a lot different and we'd both be better people in the relationship.

 

The main issue is that she needs to be alone. She's pretty much been with guys and stuff for the last 3yrs. Never really taken time for herself to do what she wants and needs. Anyways I went over to her house 2 nights ago(bad idea, I know but I couldn't help myself) and we hung out and just were so stupid together and had the best night, we acted pretty much as bf and gf, there was that spark that we was there right from the beginning of the relationship. She said all night she was fighting the urge to kiss me and that's all she could think about. And she said she was so confused and felt so bad for letting the night go the way it did because she felt she was leading me on, which I guess she did, but I let it happen and I was as weak as her.

 

I know she loves me, I love her, but she says the timing is all wrong and she really needs this time to herself to grow and figure out who she is. Now she hasn't ruled anything out in the future but has been very careful not to say we will actually be together. But now all she wants is just friends. The thing is we have never been just friends. I love her and don't ever want her out of my life, she feels the same. But being just friends feels impossible and it hurts so much just the thought of it. I don't know if we'll ever be together again or just how much time she needs.

 

Anyways after that and beating myself up about it over the last 2 days I came to the conclusion that I can't do it. As much as the thought of not seeing her or being able to chat and have long convo's on the phone and pretty much just not really being in her life hurts, it hurts so much more the thought of having all those things, but her only thinking of me as a friend.

 

I've written a 4 page letter explaining this and that how special I think she is but it is only going to cause more pain by attempting just friends, especially since we've never had that. And that if this is really what she wants then I have no right to ever ask more from her as she is being true to herself and to me and I fully respect her for it. I gave it to her today and after reading it all she msged me saying "all im gonna say is i understand, i love you xoxo".

 

I guess what I just need is other people's opinions on the situation? In your opinion have I done the right thing? And is there a chance this could bring us back together(what I REALLY want)? I dunno... I just need some backing up here because this is the hardest and most painful decision I have ever had to make, she was not just the special girl in my life, but my best friend and 2 weeks ago we were together. Now I've pretty much said I can't have her in my life as it's too painful.

 

I feel so miserable, lost and lonely.

[Caterina]

YOu have to respect h er wishes. Its a hard situation but she might decide while she is away from you that she wants to be that way permanently. YOu should tellh er that you are going totry and move on since it is basically a break up even if she 'loves you'.

[testcase]

I think you are going about things the right way. Try to stay away from friendship and go to no contact. Don't wait for her or expect things to go back to the way they were. Move on with your life and have fun.

[justletgo07]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

 

I know you love her and think incredibly highly of her, but you have to be prepared for the fact that this may very well be it. She may need time to be alone and free and whatnot, but the truth is that when people really, truly want to be with someone, they make it work. While she told it in a nice way, she has essentially said that she doesn't want to be with you, and doesn't want to do what is necessary to make it work. It's not about not being able to be with you...it's about not wanting to be with you. I'm not trying to be harsh, and I know it hurts, but it is also reality. When people really want something, they do whatever it takes to make it happen.

 

When you really look at what she meant, and not what she said, how does that make you feel? IMHO, I think you should really focus on letting go. If she changes her mind, she'll do it on her own with your help. In fact, the more you interact with her, the more likely it is that you'll inadvertantly reinforce her decision.

[OziJack]

I've written a 4 page letter explaining this and that how special I think she is but it is only going to cause more pain by attempting just friends, especially since we've never had that. And that if this is really what she wants then I have no right to ever ask more from her as she is being true to herself and to me and I fully respect her for it. I gave it to her today and after reading it all she msged me saying "all im gonna say is i understand, i love you xoxo".

 

 

Dumb move, son.

 

Women leave men when, and because, he has dropped in VALUE in her estimation, and the quickest way to reduce your value is to devote your life to pleasing her and fawning over her. I know that you young guys have been raised in the toxic fumes of feminism, and you believe that she is a princess and you HAVE to put her on a pedestal ..yada yada.. but does it work ?

 

IT gets tiring trying to give you all a clue about women, and how to deal with their apparent paradoxically natures. A woman will never leave you if she respects you and admires you. THose characteristics are the cornerstones of ATTRACTION.

I am going to get flamed for saying this, but women NEED their man to be of HIGHER value than they are. Once you drop you overall value lower than her's ,by her measurement, you are headed for the door, or the F/Zone.

 

THe ONLY way to get a wayward G/f back is to UP your 'value' so that she sees again what she liked in you when you first met.

 

Start with the gym and a good haircut.

[lavenderdove]

I know it is hard, but if you were together and fought all the time, something wasn't right.

 

Perhaps at your age, trying to build a permanent long term relationship is just too hard to do. That's the age you really get out with friends and learn about yourself and life, and date a lot of different people just experimenting and have fun and focusing on other goals like school etc.

 

So the timing may not have been right.

 

But it is true that being friends can do nothing but torture you and keep you both from moving on with your life, so it was the right thing to do at this point. You can tell her if she ever changes her mind, to contact you, so you've left on good terms.

[girl68]

Don't tie your panties in a knot when you find out your "friend" is dating other guys in her "time to be alone and find herself".

[Dante09]

Talus, these are great views, not easy to take in at first.

 

We have to trust the situation we've found ourself in.

[Talus]

Cheers guys, yea that is a thought I've been having. I don't understand this too well and I know she is really confused. I don't want to let her go or have to move on, I really wasn't looking to meet someone like this but it happened and I'm glad it did, even this young.

 

I explained in the letter that if it really is this way and she really wants to get to the stage where we are comfortably just friends, then she is going to have to be patient because it could well take me a few years to reach that stage. And if that's the case then attempting friends now is just prolonging the fact that I have to let go and move on.

 

It's just so hurtful as this is a girl who I saw, or at least talked to in some way, pretty much every single day for the last 6 months and was such a big part of my life. She tells me she loves me everytime she sees me and gives me massive hugs and kisses and she has been so excited to see me the last few times and been so happy to hang out with me again and get all cosy.

 

But I had to be true to myself. To become a friend is going to cause me nothing but pain. I can't do that. I so hope that this isn't it though and she realises that after a month, 2 or 3 that she doesn't actually want to be alone and she wants me back. I am fully aware, and telling myself everyday that there is a VERY good chance this is it for good and I am trying to get myself to be prepared for that and start to move on.

 

Sorry if I sound like I'm ranting, I've always been such a happy person but in the space of 2 weeks I lost the most important person to me, now to the point of pretty much no contact, I've cried for 2 weeks straight and I feel like I've hit absolute rock bottom. I would've laughed if anyone would have suggested I could feel this way about someone, but holy crap. Being in love is actually a serious thing and when you've lost that, it is one of the most painful feelings and experiences I think we can go through.

[Talus]

Don't tie your panties in a knot when you find out your "friend" is dating other guys in her "time to be alone and find herself".

 

It will hurt but I think that is probably inevitable and I've accepted it. She says she doesn't want to be with anyone else or in a relationship. If she was going to be in a relationship anytime for a long time then it would 100% be me. She is a very honest girl and isn't just playing with my emotions. I think she is very confused though and I'm not 100% sure what she says she wants, is really that.

 

Either way I just want her to be happy. Would love it if it could be with me but seriously, if she starts to see other guys and that makes her happy I can't be angry at her. It will hurt, but I think it'll give me some proper closure as this whole breakup has been very confusing.

 

EDIT: oh and we didn't fight all the time. I think I put that point accross wrong. It was only really for the last month and she just seemed to really get annoyed at the little things about me. I really didn't do anything different but little things started to frustrate her and we got into fights because of it. It actually reached a very unhealthy stage in those regards and it was becoming bitter. We both agreed that it couldn't keep going the way it was and that if we gave it another shot, things would be way different to that last month.

 

The thing is when we hung out the other night everything was the way it used to be. She said it too and she absolutely loved it and couldnt stop telling me how much fun she was having and that it reminded her of everything she was missing out on.

 

So I'm in a mess, but I know I have to move on... or at least try. The ball is in her court and it's up to her to actually realise what she wants and whatever it is, I fully respect it and love her for being honest. But I cannot just wait and hope, that's the reason for this whole nc thing.

[Mutley]

It will hurt but I think that is probably inevitable and I've accepted it. She says she doesn't want to be with anyone else or in a relationship. If she was going to be in a relationship anytime for a long time then it would 100% be me. She is a very honest girl and isn't just playing with my emotions. I think she is very confused though and I'm not 100% sure what she says she wants, is really that.

 

That's all bunk. You are in denial.

 

Your best bet is to start your healing process and start dating others.

 

No one is worth holding the torch for, if they won't hold it for you.

 

I never was much for the martyr stance of "I just want her to be happy.....even if it kills me." Total bs.

[Talus]

That's all bunk. You are in denial.

 

Your best bet is to start your healing process and start dating others.

 

No one is worth holding the torch for, if they won't hold it for you.

 

I never was much for the martyr stance of "I just want her to be happy.....even if it kills me." Total bs.

 

Yea probably... thanks mate. Maybe I just need a bit of tough love. I've just really not been coping and I've really struggled to have any form of positive outlook on this. Been struggling to make decisions and stick with them, and to accept them.

 

Just a real confusing, lonely and painful time in my life.

[Mutley]

You're welcome.

 

Believe, me I've been there.

 

You'll be ok. You will meet plenty more women. Many more good times to come.

[lavenderdove]

It never pays to be the ever present friend in the background after a breakup. Usually what happens is she'd use you as a security blanket to get attention and fun and approval until she meets someone new she wants to date, then you get dropped and she won't even talk about being friends once she has a new guy. That is the most common scenario when someone gives you the 'i want to be free' talk.

 

'Free' means having no obligation to anyone and doing what she wants, but she still would be happy to take all the good things she wants from you in a friendship until she has someone else to romance. So it is never good to keep acting like you're her loving boyfriend when you're not.

 

She is more likely to come back in your absence, where she really feels the hole left behind when you leave. And if she doesn't mind that enough to come back, then odds are good even if you hung around forever she'd still choose someone else because she wasn't bonded enough to stay your girlfriend.

 

So you really are doing the right thing. Don't get dragged back into the friendzone thing with her just because that makes it more comfortable for her. She has to be accountable for the choices she makes, and if she chooses to dump you, then she doesn't get to keep all the benefits of having a very close relationship with you.

[girl68]

It will hurt but I think that is probably inevitable and I've accepted it. She says she doesn't want to be with anyone else or in a relationship. If she was going to be in a relationship anytime for a long time then it would 100% be me.

 

So I'm in a mess, but I know I have to move on... or at least try. The ball is in her court and it's up to her to actually realise what she wants and whatever it is, I fully respect it and love her for being honest. But I cannot just wait and hope, that's the reason for this whole nc thing.

 

I just want you to know that I've pulled that line before, my friends have and so have ena'ers. And almost always it is just that a line. Months, and sometimes just weeks later she/ I ends up in the arms of another man. You sound like you're prepared for this, that's a wise thing. It's quite likely.

 

She may miss you, she miss the sex, the cuddles or just the companionship. But don't let that give you false hope. Stay busy away from her... Consider it over until she proves otherwise.

 

We know it hurts but time heals all, give it some time, give her some space and all shall be okay with a little time.

[pg13]

I agree with everyone else. Almost everyone has heard that "i want to be free, but i don't want to be with you, at the same time i don't want to be with anyone else and i love you." I recently just heard that from my ex, and a long time ago I heard that from my first love (which took me about 1 1/2 years to get over because we stayed in contact).

 

You met her drunk, she's 19, and I'm assuming you're still young as well. I understand she's the first person you ever felt this way for. It just makes you feel like you're on top of the world when you feel loved by someone else along with the good times. Again, she's 19, and likes to go to parties and drink? Ummmm that's bad news right there. My current ex is 21, likes to go to frat parties, and gets stupid drunk with her girlfriends and sorority sisters. The kind of stupid drunk that makes your blood boil because you know every guy will try to get at her because of how intoxicated she is.

 

I'm not saying your ex and my ex are the same. But we have to face it. They are too selfish and they want to do what pleases them. Why? Because they know how much we love them! I use to always tell her that I never loved anyone else more than her, she means the world to me, and I would always be there for her whenever she needed me. We would see and talk to each other just about every single day.

 

You haven't known her for that long. Many people put up a front and show their good side in the beginning of a relationship. I'm not saying she hasn't been completely real with you, but you have to be cautious. I can't stress this enough, you CANNOT show her that she means everything to you. That just gives her the power, which she has right now. She will use that to her advantage until she meets someone else that she can be romantically or physically involved with if you stay in her life *guaranteed*.

 

No matter how much you think she loves you but is just confused at the moment, don't believe it. I've been romantically involved with my two best girlfriends who have been in long term relationships (9 years and 4 years). It may not have been serious, but we would talk about sexual stuff we would do and some romantic stuff. And why did they do that if they love their boyfriend? Because they needed some type of thrill in their lives since things weren't going so well with their significant other and they were being TOO controlling. I never took those things seriously because they're good friends, but if I was their boyfriend/husband, I would be ready to kill (me).

 

My point is... look at a relationship as holding a handful of sand. Hold on too tight, and it'll hurt you; just grasp it gently and it'll stay in your hand; at the same time don't be a jerk and not hold on at all. You need the right combination. I remember my ex use to show respect for me when I would not care if I saw her one day, or who she was with, and why she wasn't doing the right things I wanted her to do. Guess what? That respect went away and she would do anything she pleased because I started to show her she meant everything to me, did everything for her and was always available, started to become jealous/insecure and NEEDY. Even when we broke up recently I would still subconsciously say things that would make me seem needy (re-read my text msgs).

 

If you want her to come back, let her go and go NC until she chases you. If she doesn't chase you at all and doesn't miss you so much that she wants to be with you, then she found happiness elsewhere. If you really love her that much, you should be glad she found it elsewhere. Do you want to be in her life until she meets someone else? Of course not! So go NC and wait for her move (or lack of movement). Go out, better yourself, and remember "he who loves least has the power over the other."

[Talus]

Wow... pg13 I just want to say thanks. That is a very good post and really puts things into perspective. I'll probably re-read it often over the next few weeks because that really makes me feel better. One thing I learned from this was that I gave everything and took nothing. As in I only focused on her needs, what she wants. She never took advantage of it but I wold have sat back and let her full on walk all over me.

 

I guess being in love for the first time I didn't know how to control my emotions and gave everything of myself without realising. That probably did leave me being insecure and needy. We've discussed this though and I told her I realised this. But ah well, it's all in the past. Yesterday I mustered up the courage to deliver that letter, whilst I did it in a very weak and unmanly way, breaking down in the middle of Target, I did it and I will not contact her again.

 

As you said though, if she really misses me and what we had, and really loves me enough to make it work and get to that stage where she has all the freedom she needs, and I take that time for myself to have my own freedom, then our relationship will be 10x the better and this will have all been worth it. Then again if she doesn't contact me or come back it really shows that she does not want to be with me or try to get it to work.

 

Either way it's really starting to sink in that this is it. I'm trying to convince myself that it is all over and she won't come back. That this is really my chance to grow, learn the lessons that I need to become a better and stronger person and to get out there and try and just chill out and have fun.

[OziJack]

 

Now here's the thing, she still loves me and does not want to be with anyone else.

 

 

 

If she "loved" you she would be all over you.

Women are NOT the confused, ditzy creatures that we have been led to believe. They are smart, self absorbed and calculating and they know what they want and who they want to do it with .

IN this case ist ain't you.

 

"I am confused about my feelings, and I just want to be friends with you ."

 

THis is a female contrivance which means this -

 

" I have lost attraction for you lately ..there is no spark there anymore because you have become so clingy and needy and I feel like your happiness is MY responsibility. You are no longer the guy I fell for, so I want you to step back and let me go. BUT, i also still want all the benefits of having you around. SO while I am out looking for your replacement I want you to hang around me and make me feel wanted and loveable (oh, and take me out too ),and inflate my ego until I find a hot guy and then you will get dumped."

 

 

Dude, learn to read the signs better.

[OziJack]

One thing I learned from this was that I gave everything and took nothing. As in I only focused on her needs, what she wants. She never took advantage of it but I wold have sat back and let her full on walk all over me.

 

.

 

Bingo ! I hope that you have learned that doing this ALWAYS ends with you in the Friend Zone.

 

She did not have to " take advantage of it.." because your fawning was so relentless that she became a passive consumer of it. All she had to do was just hang around while you did the rest.

 

You put a princess on her pedestal and now you are experiencing what women eventually do to guys who behave like you.

 

WHo taught you how to act like this ?

[Talus]

No one taught me, I dunno. Just here was this girl I loved everything about and just wanted to do everything for. She did a lot for me too, bought me stuff, even right up until the end she would do some of the sweetest things and on my birthday I came home from work, she'd cooked me my favourite meal and had candles set out and everything. So it's not like I did everything and she did nothing. I think I just gave all of myself and shouldn'tve.

 

But no point looking at what could've been. I was who I was and was so scared to lose her that I did everything to ensure I didn't... which in turn probably had the adverse effect and probably chased her away. Either way, by losing her I learnt that lesson. Sucks the way it happened, but losing her may have just been the best thing to happen in my life because you just cannot do that, you cannot give every part of yourself to someone.

 

I've learnt this lesson and many more that I will take into whatever the next relationship might be.

[Talus]

ok so it's been since about 3pm yesterday... so about 30 hours. I am struggling so bad. I miss her like hell. This is so much harder than it's made out to be. I want her in my life more than anything.

[TomboyMS]

ok so it's been since about 3pm yesterday... so about 30 hours. I am struggling so bad. I miss her like hell. This is so much harder than it's made out to be. I want her in my life more than anything.

 

I know NC is hard, but if you break it you will feel worse.

[lavenderdove]

First, you need to get some sleep or your own mental health will be affected.

 

Try to do things that distract you from this. Go out with friends, or watch DvDs. the first week or two without someone is hard, and you just need to distract yourself until you get used to it.

[pg13]

ok so it's been since about 3pm yesterday... so about 30 hours. I am struggling so bad. I miss her like hell. This is so much harder than it's made out to be. I want her in my life more than anything.

 

It's going to be bad for a few weeks. I am a depressive individual and couldn't deal with prescribed antidepressants since it would kill my sex drive. Other than what every says (keep busy, work out...) I suggest you go to your supplement store and buy some st johns wort (herbal and helps with depression/anxiety) and melatonin (helps u have a deep sleep and makes u feel like u have more energy the next day, also nonaddictive)

 

I've been on both supplements and I know it has helped me from being a physical and emotional wreck.

[Struggling23]

Ah I got that same line before and you know what? 2 weeks later a new "Friend" was in the picture "he's just a friend", a week after that dating.

 

Don't believe those words emember she probably told you maybe even a week before she dumped you "I want to be with you forever" in the end just words