justanotherhurtguy Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 She has this attitude that she can take care of herself. Which is fine with me. But when she's struggling with money (I make more than her) and I want to take her out she's says no. We had a big argument about me helping her out and she said she won't take "hand me outs". But I"m doing it because I want to help. My family likes to help me out with stuff and I've always been raised like that to help others. But because of one bad experience she won't let anyone help her out. Now I'm not talking about paying bills, I'm just talking about going out occasionally and paying for dinner, drinks, whatever. But no she won't do it anymore. At least she says that after are argument which we're close to breaking up over. I think it's totally ridiculous and it makes me feel bad that my family helps me out. She's like "it's fine if they do that for you, but I take care of MYSELF and NO ONE helps me." Like she's better than me or something. OK, and that's why she's poor and struggling. That's a FANTASTIC way to live right now. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Sounds stubborn to me. Did she grow up poor? Link to comment
MinziGirl Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 OK... before i go on to why i wanted to pay all the time in m former days and offer some tips as to how to conquer it... Pls tell me (us) why is it that she wants to pay all the time? You said she had ONE bad experience... care to tell me (us here)? Link to comment
tiff99 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Control freak? maybe some more deeper issues there. how does she react with other decisions you try to make? Link to comment
COtuner Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I'm very sensitive to people paying for me, as well. I lost everything and was completely destitute at one point, and it is a point of pride to be able to pay my own way and even pay for others (I'm overly generous) even if I am hurting financially. So I can understand. Link to comment
bmwm3 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 maybe pay the dinner or drink, when she isnt looking.. and she will slowly relize that its okay and nothing changes you wont have different feeling towards her.. she might be upset first few times.. but after she will be more comfrtable with it... Link to comment
alli Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 At a different time than when the dinner bill is sitting on the table, suggest that you each take turns paying, so that basically she WILL be paying for herself because she accounts for half the bill and she pays half the time. If you don't think that will work, suggest going dutch most of the time. You each pay for yourselves. (hey, if SHE wants to pay for HERSELF then why can't YOU pay for YOURSELF?) not the most romantic thing in the world but at least she isn't driving herself into more debt & you won't feel guilty about her paying for you all the time. Link to comment
justanotherhurtguy Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Her bad experience was that her ex boyfriend used to complain that he paid all the time when they went out together and when she was out of college she saved up a bunch of money to pay rent for them in a place (he wouldn't pay anything) but ended up screwing her over in the end. That's why she says she'll take care of herself. I'm very sensitive to people paying for me, as well. I lost everything and was completely destitute at one point, and it is a point of pride to be able to pay my own way and even pay for others (I'm overly generous) even if I am hurting financially. So I can understand. I'm the same way. I worked like crazy to get where I am and I'm not trying to pay her bills, I just care about her a lot and is it wrong for me to want to take her out and have a good time? To her it is and she won't let me. She'd rather stay at home and not do anything. Then tells me to go out and have a good time. Seriously... How am I supposed to go out without her and have a good time? At a different time than when the dinner bill is sitting on the table, suggest that you each take turns paying, so that basically she WILL be paying for herself because she accounts for half the bill and she pays half the time. If you don't think that will work, suggest going dutch most of the time. You each pay for yourselves. (hey, if SHE wants to pay for HERSELF then why can't YOU pay for YOURSELF?) not the most romantic thing in the world but at least she isn't driving herself into more debt & you won't feel guilty about her paying for you all the time. The only thing about that is that she doesn't have money to pay for herself and would rather stay at home and sulk and be depressed than have me pay for her. It's so annoying. It's like a lose/lose situation. If I go out without her I feel like crap. If I stay home I still feel like crap, because she just sulks. Link to comment
rocio Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 You just need to respect that she doesn't feel comfortable having someone else pay for her. Find cheap or free things to do - play frisbee in the park, go swimming, dollar theatres, go for ice cream, sit on a hill and watch the sunset drinking cheap beer, go ride the subway from one end of the city to the other and back again making fun of people along the way (just to each other, obviously), shoot some hoops, go for a drive, volunteer for a day at a children's hospital or soup kitchen... All of these things are under $5. Link to comment
alli Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Another idea is to say "hey, so-n-so gave me this card for a couple free tickets into the movies, wanna go?" same thing with gift cards to restaurants. Maybe she wouldn't feel guilty about you paying because you technically wouldn't be paying. And to get the gift cards (other than lying and buying them yourself) is to ask your parents to pay you for things with gift cards. For example, if you do work around the house for them, or your birthday is coming up, or you just buy a few gift cards off them. Hopefully she will get over this. It sounds annoying! Maybe she will save up enough money that she can afford to occassionally pay for you guys to go out, so you can pay for the other times & actually be able to go out & do something together that requires money! Link to comment
rocio Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Or how about waiting for a special occasion getting her a gift that you guys can use together? Say a season's pass to the hockey game, or the symphony? Link to comment
tulipsfav Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Can you both not come to some agreement that if you feel like treating her to a nite out totally on you, you are her boyfriend and you have the right to. When i was going out with my ex i always like to pay half, if we went to the cinema i would buy the drinks and popcorn and he would get the tickets. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 i'm like her. i almost always pay for myself. it's nice to be treated sometimes, but i like paying for anything i do. i like girls that at least offer on a date. just the gesture is nice. Link to comment
alcide Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Give her time, people are different, better to b independent than to rely on people. Link to comment
COtuner Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I'm the same way. I worked like crazy to get where I am and I'm not trying to pay her bills, I just care about her a lot and is it wrong for me to want to take her out and have a good time? To her it is and she won't let me. She'd rather stay at home and not do anything. Then tells me to go out and have a good time. Seriously... How am I supposed to go out without her and have a good time? I never wanted to go out when I was broke. It reinforced the fact that I had less than others and I felt really bad about myself. Maybe she is also feeling this way. I still don't like spending money when I go out - and I was getting really uncomfortable when my BF was spending money on me. It reached the point that he learned not to get me a present over 25 bucks or it would freak me out badly. I also felt awful when he was paying for coffee everyday for both of us, even though he knew I didn't have much money. So there are a lot of factors in play including self-respect. At least you know she isn't into you for money, isn't that a positive thing? Maybe you are incompatible if you need her to go out with you all the time. Link to comment
MinziGirl Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Hmmm... that usually happens when a girl decides to pay for all. Some guys are very smart & stingy at the same time too... So when her ex starts taking her for granted, he won't pay anything. I had the exact same problem. Thank God that my present guy and me are paying more or less half-half. The trick is not to make an issue of who pays now... Rather, do it like a game... i.e: If she pays for dinner, you pay for desserts... & she must agree! Then make your other half of the bargain better than her half for a while... till she notices it. If she fights back, then you said it was in the agreement & explain to her that you are equally capable to provide for the 'nest' that you both have... Then see how she reacts. She should be able to adjust once she have seen that she is not taken advantage & being a smart girl, she should be able to accept & understand reason too. Hope that this helps... Link to comment
MinziGirl Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 i'm like her. i almost always pay for myself. it's nice to be treated sometimes, but i like paying for anything i do. i like girls that at least offer on a date. just the gesture is nice. Hey ghost Don't forget... you are afterall a man ;-) Link to comment
laisla Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 i am just like her. i don't like it when people pay for me sometimes. i will accept it on occasion, but there are times i feel it is wrong. i think you should plan dates which cost little to nothing. or prepare a meal for her and invite her over to your place. she is probably stressed over the lack of funds and you can do inexpensive things to lessen that stress. Link to comment
justanotherhurtguy Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 I've tried asking her to go for walks but then she just sits in the couch or logs onto facebook all day and says she doesn't want to go out. I think she is depressed. Link to comment
CAgirl Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Is it possible for you both to open a joint bank account and each contribute a little from each paycheck? I knew a couple who had problems with who would pay for what and this solved it. It's important however if you do this that you make sure to only use the money for dates and couple related things. Good luck! Link to comment
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