He can't accept me fully

[Mysterious Gurl]

Hi,

 

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and we live together properly now. We're now 20. He is perfect, we've never in the whole time we've been together had a serious fight that has threatened our relationship. We are very close connected and his family know me as their own.

 

He has some charateristics that I find hard to cope with. For instance he sometimes can have a short temper, he seems to get really annoyed over small things. So he makes mountains out of molehills basically.

 

Second is that we support rival football teams. He supports one and I support the other. Now I know this seems like a roll your eyes type of post but to me it's important. I am me, and I left my town, my friends, my family to move in with him. I don't regret it because I have discovered a more independent me and I have achieved things that most adults in their 50's haven't yet. I have also become increasingly attached to his family as they have me.

 

The issue is he can't accept I support my football team. I have always supported them and he knew that right from the beginning. I love them, I enjoy supporting them and I am actually a proper fan, I understand the rules, could tell you the offside rule, could tell you who man of the match really was. He can't accept this part of me because AFC fans use to bully him for being a Spud. Fine I understand that but he should learn to deal with this instead of giving me a cold shoulder when I wear the shirt or watch them play. Instead he said "This is a part of you I can never accept", I find this upsetting because I gave up a lot and I don't want to give up my team too. I don't give him any grief for being a Spud. I even buy him his shirts and tickets to matches as and when I can.

 

I dunno what to do. Everytime I attempt to bring it up he gets defensive and angry and I cannot be bothered for an argument. I don't do angry, I find it hard to get angry because I'm actually afraid of being shouted at, not just by him but by anyone.

 

So I suppose this is my fault in a way because I wont stand up for myself, but I can't do angry either.

 

What to do .....

 

 

MG

XX

[pumpkinmoon]

Wow. Not into sport myself but can understand people who are really into it but at the end of the day it's a game.

[Seraphim]

There is part of the issue.........he is not perfect, no one is perfect and no one should be treated as if they are perfect.

 

How you learn to agree and disagree is sometimes more important than the actual stuff being discussed. Can you not both agree to disagree on this matter?? I think of it this way.......is it going to matter in 5 years what sports team won what??? Is it monumental in the course of life.........nope.......it is entertainment. Save the heavy stuff FOR the heavy stuff and agree to disagree on this one. You do not have to get angry just say you support your team and that is the way it is and if eveyone loved the same team it would be a boring world and agree to disagree.

[ratfreak]

Leave.

If he can't accept you because of a silly team you like, what else is he not going to like and approve in you?

 

Love is about being with someone not just for their assets but despite their faults.

[karvala]

It sounds ridiculous on the face of it. Part of my lab is in a room shared with one of my close colleagues, and we support football teams that are bitter rivals. We found it amusing to actually stick some paraphenalia related to those teams on opposite walls (amongst the pictures of the brain!), and keep an updated league table there, and we're proper supporters (him even more than me; he's a season ticket holder). Do we come to blows over it? Hell no, we have an enormously good laugh about it. It's all part of the fun and camaraderie of working together. I can't imagine how people can take it so seriously that they will actually give the cold shoulder to someone they love over it.

 

I wonder, therefore, in view of the mountains out of molehills comment and his short temper, if this isn't part of a wider need for control that he has? In any case, you certainly need to stand up to him. If you give in on this, what will be next?

[lavenderdove]

I say he sounds like someone who doesn't have enough of a life outside sports if he takes it this seriously. It's just a game and will not put a roof over your head or make you smarter or ???

 

I was married to a rabid sports fan, and was extremely relieved to divorce him because he was one dimensional in terms of his sports obsession.

 

Beware! If he's this inflexible about a GAME, then there will most likely be other problems where he is inflexible as well.

[thejigsup]

C'mon, you won't give up a sports team for him? And he won't for you? Whatever are you two doing together?

[HeartGoesOn]

If this is the only problem in your relationship, I'd say that you're doing well.

 

You need to learn to pick your battles...

[Mysterious Gurl]

I know it seems stupid when there are far worse issues in relationships to be dealt with, but it is the principle of the matter. WHY should I be made to feel guilty about something I enjoy. I don't see football as a religion like he does and I definitely do not delve in to football verbal wars. I gave up a lot and I'm giving up my team. It's been something I enjoy since I was small.

 

To me he is pretty much perfect even though no human being is actually perfect. We like and dislike a majority of things, share the same ambitions and dreams. It's just little things such as his short temper and his little digs to make me feel bad.

 

I do a lot, an awful lot for someone of my age. I do things for him that a wife would do. I know he is appreciative but I want him to let me enjoy things. I never stop him from doing anything. If he wants to go to Tottenham he can, I'll buy him his shirts, get them stamped buy his tickets. If he wants to buy something off of Ebay he can, I give him everything if it makes him happy, all I want in return is freedom to do things I enjoy. It is principle you know.

 

To say "this is a part of you I will never accept" made me cry. I'm sorry fans from my team bullied him when he was younger but I AM NOT like that. I show no brutality in football it's just something I enjoy.

 

I'm not good at standing my ground. I can't be bothered for petty arguments and I'm afraid when he raises his voice. I fear that from anyone.

[Seraphim]

You are ALLOWING him to treat you this way. Buy the things you want, have your friends, you have rights as a human being. I think this is an esteem issue.

[hexaemeron]

Is this a joke?

[Mysterious Gurl]

No this is not a joke! This is problem that is bothering me and I wanted to vent about it.

[hexaemeron]

No this is not a joke! This is problem that is bothering me and I wanted to vent about it.

 

That is certainly your right, and I don't mean to slight you here, but with people talking about cheating spouses, physically abusive relationships and marriages of twenty years or more on the brink, this comes accross as... well...

 

You know, I shouldn't say that. If it's important to you, then it's important. But a little perspective might not be horrible.

[diabolik]

That is certainly your right, and I don't mean to slight you here, but with people talking about cheating spouses, physically abusive relationships and marriages of twenty years or more on the brink, this comes accross as... well...

 

You know, I shouldn't say that. If it's important to you, then it's important. But a little perspective might not be horrible.

Actually, I think it's her bf that needs some perspective, for the very reasons you point out.

 

OP, can you give him that perspective - point out all the problems that couples can have - maybe he'll figure out that the two of you rooting for different teams is a joke in comparison?

 

And as others have said, if something so trivial is such a big deal to him, how do you think he's going handle serious issues? I say take your stand now, or be prepared to be a doormat.