THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[musicmancanada]

Day ONE! AGAIN!

 

Crap. I lasted a whole two days, before she decided to text me with like apology, after apology, after apology..

She's afraid to tell me something, and my gut already knows it. But in this circumstance, I took the high road I suppose.

 

"I am just going to say that after being accused of being intolerant and not understanding, I am apologizing to you for coming off that way" - first text

 

We actually had a text conversation where she could do nothing but apologize, and I kept saying "for what?" and she kept repeating herself.

 

I told her she deserves a great life.. she was burdened with guilt over something, I would suspect it was sleeping with somebody else or starting a new relationship and fears breaking the news to me..

 

Either way my high road consisted roughly, of "you deserve to be happy, you have taught me a lot, and I am grateful for that. I have learned many things, and I was unfair to keep pushing you for a relationship you were not ready for"

 

Followed up by "we have no 'agreement' you have to live up to.. you are free.

 

Reply something to the effect of "I don't deserve anything and I don't feel alive" to wit, I got concerned, said something to the effect of "you're kinda a mess, and don't feel guilty because of me.. I'm moving on with my life and I'm kind of relieved"

 

But she doesn't want to talk about what has transpired.. I opened the door for her to say something but a part of me is glad she didn't.. her guilt will be an excellent motivator for giving me the best chance in the world at taking the high road.. and...

Being a lot less available to hear what she has to say when the guilt starts really taking hold. I'd highly suspect she slept with somebody, and is terrified how I'm going to react. I even went so far as to say jokingly "Hey, it's okay.. I don't put you past being impulsive" (which is how WE ended up getting started)

 

The high road was great, because I was able to show *care* *concern* and *take the high road (noncommital and not affected) and leave her in her dreary solitude to figure out that she needs me much more than she wanted to freely admit.

 

ALbeit it puts n/c back at square 1.. after two and a half days, I do realize it very much risks putting me in the "friend" zone with her looking for me to support her actions/freedom of choice, which I can do just as well not propping her up and stroking her guilt complex with "there, there"..

 

by not being available for her to "feel better". Counterproductive at this point, for her to not 'miss' the part of me that she took less than two days to miss in her life.

 

I would like to say i hurt because I *assume* she slept with somebody else? But the more perspective I have on this one, the more I realize.. 1) she's afraid to lose her security blanket/crutch.. and 2) She is one confused individual, and she's going to do a lot of things to hurt those around her that care.. I don't want any part of that

 

Because I'm better than that. She will come around.. and she already misses me. I now have to focus on being stronger, less available, and more prepared to ignore the classic signs of someone who "needs" the crutch, and is avoiding commitment!

 

Day 1. Square 1. And the cards, just fell immensely in my favour.

[musicmancanada]

Follow up: She got guilty and called me, and lo and behold it's got something to do with how she did something to help her kids give their father a nice present for father's day, and how he basically accused her of all these terrible things, and "you never did anything nice for me before like this" and then laid a "let's fix this" on her.. to wit she replied "After how you just treated me? I'm trying to keep your kid's connection with you and you think this is all about how I feel? I'm just trying to keep your kids in your life.

 

Sometimes, she looks to me to help see the logic and prop up her self-confidence, when her soon to be ex-husband starts to say and do things that are quite ill-intentioned.. which is to say, he still manages to use the kids to restrict her finances, to restrict her freedom, to control her activities (by consistently running the entire schedule she follows by his work schedule, even though he doesn't provide his fair share of financial help towards his kids)

 

Gad I never realized how "friend zoned" I have become over the last year.. that she would break the silence for a quick fix of self-assurance/self-confidence..

 

Anyways.. the slept with somebody issue wasn't even the issue.. I suppose that means ??? I still gotta work on being *less* available.. at least in terms of being valued and appreciated for my contributions towards her day to day struggles..

 

Either that or she will just go for the no drama route and when this is settled, she will just settle for a new guy that doesn't have any knowledge of the historical dirt in her life..

 

What a really, really weird thing to surf through. I do wonder if I'm prolonging the agony.. if I'm being a sitting duck, for the inevitable friend passed by..

 

She totally respects me, and she's totally into me.. I just don't know what the hell kind of accomplishment it is for me to know her that well, and be sidelined in terms of being a great catch for a man who really, truly knows who she is, and respects the woman she wants to be.

 

I guess I'll re-evaluate it. I'm failing the NC challenge miserably.

[MalibuOne]

Day 15. I find I have really up periods where I feel super strong and ready to move on followed by periods of deep grief. I haven't broken NC and that gives me a perverse kind of pride...like, why am I so proud not to communicate with the guy I REALLY liked?? Ugh...

[brazilgirl21]

MM - I am on Day 7 of NC with a guy I also dated on/off for 1 year. Was always more than friends but never quite a commited relationship. I relate to you a lot.

 

It sucks because we are grieving a relationship that never blossomed, therefore, it didn't end because it never started.

 

I'm 23 and he is 31. No kids or divorces involved, but still hurts a lot.

 

It specially hurts because I never got a chance to be in a real relationship with him. It was always the same push/pull, I don't want you seriously but I don't want to lose you bull cr*p!

 

And it's very hard to maintain NC because it's like, nothing horrible happened so why can't we just be friends? But at the same time we know we can't just "be friends".

 

It just sucks because I KNOW I deserve better but sometimes I just want to drop the NC act and go back to whatever we were.

 

I miss him.

 

BUT NC is the ONLY way. I know. It's been 1 year of this crazy back and forth drama and I deserve better!

 

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!

[musicmancanada]

Geez ya know I don't 'get it'.

 

She's right back to being just as sweet, charming, and NONCOMITTAL as she always was though.. after two days!

 

Some of the things she says seem very genuine, and heartfelt, and she acknowledges and respects my intelligence and my ability to be discerning about the situation she is in.. she is showing a genuine concern. She is wide open to sex and maintaining a monogamous connection.. but reserves the right to not commit to anything?

 

I'm confused if it's for her sake, the sake of keeping the peace in family settings, kids and her own 'lost her whole life in a bad marriage' has to find herself zone? Hell she even says "want to make sure you're not the rebound".

 

Heaven on earth, if I want to keep thinking *through* what she's saying, I guess it means I go from NC to LC, which of course should easily bump me out of this thread.. *sigh* with some sort of reassuring feeling in my gut that I will return feeling 'security blanket' zoned or 'fallback' bound in the future.

 

She said she is torn between a friendship and the aspects of a relationship. If I am to take her literally at her word, she's commitment-phobic, and of course, reserves the right to walk out of anything at any time on her own whim.

 

I begin to wonder if I shouldn't expand my dating circle, and just stay noncomittal friends, and to heck with any other expectations. Let the whole 'relationship' aspect fall by the wayside and go on looking for someone else "UNTIL" she is ready for me?

 

That big red "hold" button is the biggest dealbreaker in the world for me to be emotionally involved.

 

NC for the two and a half days, surprisingly, shocked me out of my complacency about protecting myself from her 'control' over where I stand in this.

 

So for those of you really working on your progress, anyone who is really good friends will inevitably be able to find their way back to the *heart to heart* level over time.. but I am still in the same position.. and I am going to have to assert my own domain. She doesn't know what she wants, she is just not willing to include me in her plans in any other role than 'friends'.

 

She broke the no contact to exert her 'control' over the situation.. to keep her support network around. That is not good enough for me.. and I plainly reminded her of that aspect of our relationship, being conditional on a more solid foundation.. namely, someplace in her life that isn't dominated by my heart being affected by her whims and choices.

 

Sorry for rambling on.. apparently, I don't belong in this post anymore.. *yet*..

[JoshHimself]

Day 7, went alright other then the fact I was in the ER with a broken ankle. I swear in my head Im thinking could anything get worst? I mean I lose my girl, my job, Im being sued, and wait I break my ankle playing softball. How awesome is this?

 

Well anyways, about her Im just feeling so down right now, because I could use her to be there for me. I mean its like did I ever mean anything to her? My heart is in my throat, and my eyes are blurry from the tears. Like I feel like I'd give anything if she came through the door, but I know better then that right now. I miss her so much, but with what all is going on with me, Im thinking I need to just hang in there and my luck will get better for the good. I mean I try to live right, treat everyone with respect. And all I'm getting crap right now. I guess all I can do is hold my head up, and pray that nothing else bad will happen.

[honeyspur]

I think you really have it together Josh. Everything you've said makes sense. You are really strong - the strength is just going to increase each day. I'm sorry you broke your ankle! Did you guys win, at least?

[Flint_Wood]

2 weeks, I don't like that I actually don't want to call her now. If she feels similar, she's never gonna call me. I'm also actually kind of annoyed by the meaningless messages she leaves on Facebook (I hid her instead of blocking/removing her).

 

I find reconciliation may become more difficult over time, rather then less difficult. My life is good, and I'm pretty clear of the emotional hangups. The worst feeling I have right now is that I still compare new women that I'm meeting to my ex, that isn't a good frame of mind.

[JoshHimself]

Yeah, we played two games and won two. Sucks my season is over, one of the things i had to look forward to

[brazilgirl21]

Day 8. 1 week of NC. It's getting harder for me. The first week was surprisingly easy! I just think he won't ever contact me again. And I asked for time apart, I can't really break NC. I hate this.

[coldheart]

Day 3, seems like day 30. I was C-Listed off her Facebook (blocked), blackberry messenger, and told I couldn't contact her. I'm stuck even if I wanted to contact her!

[brazilgirl21]

blackberry messenger is the devil! Seriously, for me it's worse than facebook. Everytime he updates his name or picture or anything... it hurts!!! And to know he's just a bbm away.

 

At the same time, I'm still not ready to delete him off bbm.

[Flint_Wood]

blackberry messenger is the devil! Seriously, for me it's worse than facebook. Everytime he updates his name or picture or anything... it hurts!!! And to know he's just a bbm away.

 

At the same time, I'm still not ready to delete him off bbm.

 

I don't use Blackberry, but you must at least be able to block him or anything to hide him from your contact list.

[brazilgirl21]

I don't use Blackberry, but you must at least be able to block him or anything to hide him from your contact list.

 

The problem with blackberry is that you can either delete or delete and block the person. If you delete the person, they can add you again. But still, if you delete a person you also disappear from their buddy list.

 

It's kind of a radical move because the other person will realize you deleted them and won't be able to contact you either.

 

I mean, honestly, I shouldn't care what he thinks if I do want to delete him but as of now, I'm trying to be strong without needing to make him notice how much of an impact he has on me.

 

I've been the dumper and the more "mellow" the dumpee appears to be, the better. Drastic moves like deleting, blocking, etc... is not good if you want reconciliation.

 

I think NIC (non initiated contact) is what works best. Don't contact them but leave the doors open for them to contact you. Then always reply politely without extending yourself.

 

Now of course if you have an emotionally manipulative ex who won't leave you alone it's a different story.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[SocialStigma]

Day 1 of NC (almost) over, day 3 of the breakup. I broke up with him, though my hand was pretty much forced, I didn't want to (he has a crush on best girl friend right now).

 

Broke up with him Friday night, he called me twice on Saturday and once on Sunday before I told him that we need to go NC because he's still confused and there's no way he can figure out his feelings for her while still talking to me. I originally said 2 weeks NC and we'll see how it goes from there but he asked for 1 week.

 

The day has passed by so slowly..I've hid him from my Facebook newsfeed, deleted all my texts, avoid going on MSN etc. I also haven't cried today! Which I'm pretty proud of. I wonder if he misses me and thinks about me all the time though.

[wildestkabs]

Day 1 of NC for me as well. Officially broke up on the 8th of June of this year. Completely devastated and the loneliness is killing me. Realized how much I loved her only after she told me she didn't want me anymore. All my fault.

[DeenasRhino]

Today is day 10 I believe.

 

Had a good dinner with friends last night. Was fun.

I have school in a little bit, summer classes.

Got to get ready now. Will update soon.

[MsDexter]

Day 4 it's unpleasant but it's better then watching him or talking to him knowing he is moving on this way least I am hurting less by not knowing where he is what he is doing

[JoshHimself]

Day 8

 

Same as yesterday, in pain mentally, and physically because of the whole foot thing. I feel like Im being persued by another girl, she is texting my phone all the time, I kind of hooked up with this girl before my ex, I mean we didnt date, but we didnt have sex or anything we made out a few times. She is a really sweet girl. I mean always asking how Im doing and what not. But I just dont feel the way about her as I do my ex, I mean not even close. So its not like I'm channeling my heartache through this other girl. I might talk to her but, in my head I wish I was still talking to my ex, or even around her. Im just not ready for a relationship period. Even with my ex, because like I've stated people dont break up for no reason. I mean if I cared so much, why didnt I notice the addiction? I was there everyday. If I cared so much how come didnt I get these small signs and act on them? I wouldnt have ever let it get to these points. I mean I know feelings change, and people change. But I could have been better, Im not totally a victim. I had a big part in this as much as she did. I just wish I could hear the words I love you from her again, in my ear, when I wake up, before I go to sleep. But I know Im not going to hear that right now, or maybe ever again. I just hope she's ok, and I pray to god that she is, and I just hope she knows I love her.

 

Im streaming music right now, and the last five songs have gotten me bummed out, well not bummed out. But makes me think how ironic is this. How Can I live- Ill Nino, Send The Pain Bellow- Chevelle, Slipknot- Dead Memorys, Incubus- Love Hurts, Staind- Mudshovel... Thats five songs that kind of makes me relate to my situation.

 

Sorry had alot on my mind today

[honeyspur]

Woiw I love Chevelle - I played them on my show last night!

 

You are doing great I think even though you feel like crap. There is so much sense and depth in what you say. Hang in there Josh - you certainly set a good example for others in this situation.

[wildestkabs]

Day 2 NC. Life is tough.

[coldheart]

Day 2 NC. Life is tough.

 

I fell ya brother. Day 0, Hour 9 of NC. Yeah I blew it today cause of an accidental contact last night. Back to square 1... sigh

[wildestkabs]

I fell ya brother. Day 0, Hour 9 of NC. Yeah I blew it today cause of an accidental contact last night. Back to square 1... sigh

 

Yup brother, tough it is. Ex just called me, I did not answer..then, like an idiot, I called her back, she did not answer..

 

NC reset. Day 1 begins tomorrow..

[DeenasRhino]

Day 10:

 

I wish you didn't pop into my head as often as you did. It's quite annoying now actually.

I've done a lot of thinking lately and you're not worth it. You're not worth me. After what you did, you are nothing to me, nothing that I want in a girl. Thank you for showing me your true colors.

 

NC is going to be easier than I expected.

[JoshHimself]

Woiw I love Chevelle - I played them on my show last night!

 

You are doing great I think even though you feel like crap. There is so much sense and depth in what you say. Hang in there Josh - you certainly set a good example for others in this situation.

 

Thanks, I mean its hard, maybe if we didnt end on a fight it wouldnt be as easy, but I dont feel like I should be the one sorry. Are you a radio host?