musicmancanada

She finally told me, after being close after a year and a half, that she thinks I'm the greatest friend she has, and can talk to me about anything, but something is romantically missing. I think it's pretty clear that there is absolutely no way for her to find what is romantically missing, unless I start putting myself back together from the wreck I have caused, pressuring her, to commit. She's shopping for boyfriends and friend zoning me too much, and I'm gradually slipping out of her life because I'm pestering her just to stay in. I keep on trying to break the contact off civilly, but the fact is, I think I managed to finally *three times the charm* make this stick with one caveat: she's having an operation in two days, and I am going to call and make sure she is okay.. and then, vanishing. It does my heart good to talk to her, she is still a wonderful friend, but I can't stomach my morals being stomped on watching her date, watching her interact with others the way I only dream she would still with me.. I'm angry.. she's not a beauty queen, she's not in the best of situations, and I have poured heart and soul into her life.. and she knows that.. but something romantic is missing? I hope n/c may show her.. but in all respects, my life needs major improvement in the meantime, and this is the best way to stop focusing on her, and shift focus to my path forward in my life.

I just realized, that being front and center, in this relationship-hopeful-friendship "nothing serious" dating dilemma I have been struggling with for a year, is not.. my.. fault. I realized today, what the meaning of emotional unavailability is. Where you put your entire heart and soul into being available at any and every opportunity, and honest about emotion, and open to listening and being responsive from the heart unconditionally and immediately.. And realized all I am really doing, is rebuilding her emotionally damaged world. When she is whole again, she is already asserting her right to date other people, and "keep her options open" The problem with the idea is I have given the best of me, and have received nothing. She is traumatized from her divorce settlement, still in fighting mode, and has lost all emotional connection that constructed our friendship to begin with. She has withdrawn from me as well.. although continues to cling to the emotional stability that I provide in her life. I realize I have put so much of myself into someone else, that I started getting addicted to the process and resenting not getting any feed back at all about it so, it's time to show them who I am. by taking myself out of that picture. No contact challenge it is. I am back for my second attempt.. and this time I am in a much bigger position to understand and realize, that she will never respect or even recognize how much my emotional support really means to her, until I am not around to prop her up. After all, even if we continue to carry on as friends at this point, I am just propping her up, and allowing myself to be taken completely for granted.. not intentionally, but she must find it in her heart to find the value in me as an individual. Someone she must respect, or lose. Day 1.

Geez ya know I don't 'get it'. She's right back to being just as sweet, charming, and NONCOMITTAL as she always was though.. after two days! Some of the things she says seem very genuine, and heartfelt, and she acknowledges and respects my intelligence and my ability to be discerning about the situation she is in.. she is showing a genuine concern. She is wide open to sex and maintaining a monogamous connection.. but reserves the right to not commit to anything? I'm confused if it's for her sake, the sake of keeping the peace in family settings, kids and her own 'lost her whole life in a bad marriage' has to find herself zone? Hell she even says "want to make sure you're not the rebound". Heaven on earth, if I want to keep thinking *through* what she's saying, I guess it means I go from NC to LC, which of course should easily bump me out of this thread.. *sigh* with some sort of reassuring feeling in my gut that I will return feeling 'security blanket' zoned or 'fallback' bound in the future. She said she is torn between a friendship and the aspects of a relationship. If I am to take her literally at her word, she's commitment-phobic, and of course, reserves the right to walk out of anything at any time on her own whim. I begin to wonder if I shouldn't expand my dating circle, and just stay noncomittal friends, and to heck with any other expectations. Let the whole 'relationship' aspect fall by the wayside and go on looking for someone else "UNTIL" she is ready for me? That big red "hold" button is the biggest dealbreaker in the world for me to be emotionally involved. NC for the two and a half days, surprisingly, shocked me out of my complacency about protecting myself from her 'control' over where I stand in this. So for those of you really working on your progress, anyone who is really good friends will inevitably be able to find their way back to the *heart to heart* level over time.. but I am still in the same position.. and I am going to have to assert my own domain. She doesn't know what she wants, she is just not willing to include me in her plans in any other role than 'friends'. She broke the no contact to exert her 'control' over the situation.. to keep her support network around. That is not good enough for me.. and I plainly reminded her of that aspect of our relationship, being conditional on a more solid foundation.. namely, someplace in her life that isn't dominated by my heart being affected by her whims and choices. Sorry for rambling on.. apparently, I don't belong in this post anymore.. *yet*..

Follow up: She got guilty and called me, and lo and behold it's got something to do with how she did something to help her kids give their father a nice present for father's day, and how he basically accused her of all these terrible things, and "you never did anything nice for me before like this" and then laid a "let's fix this" on her.. to wit she replied "After how you just treated me? I'm trying to keep your kid's connection with you and you think this is all about how I feel? I'm just trying to keep your kids in your life. Sometimes, she looks to me to help see the logic and prop up her self-confidence, when her soon to be ex-husband starts to say and do things that are quite ill-intentioned.. which is to say, he still manages to use the kids to restrict her finances, to restrict her freedom, to control her activities (by consistently running the entire schedule she follows by his work schedule, even though he doesn't provide his fair share of financial help towards his kids) Gad I never realized how "friend zoned" I have become over the last year.. that she would break the silence for a quick fix of self-assurance/self-confidence.. Anyways.. the slept with somebody issue wasn't even the issue.. I suppose that means ??? I still gotta work on being *less* available.. at least in terms of being valued and appreciated for my contributions towards her day to day struggles.. Either that or she will just go for the no drama route and when this is settled, she will just settle for a new guy that doesn't have any knowledge of the historical dirt in her life.. What a really, really weird thing to surf through. I do wonder if I'm prolonging the agony.. if I'm being a sitting duck, for the inevitable friend passed by.. She totally respects me, and she's totally into me.. I just don't know what the hell kind of accomplishment it is for me to know her that well, and be sidelined in terms of being a great catch for a man who really, truly knows who she is, and respects the woman she wants to be. I guess I'll re-evaluate it. I'm failing the NC challenge miserably.

Day ONE! AGAIN! Crap. I lasted a whole two days, before she decided to text me with like apology, after apology, after apology.. She's afraid to tell me something, and my gut already knows it. But in this circumstance, I took the high road I suppose. "I am just going to say that after being accused of being intolerant and not understanding, I am apologizing to you for coming off that way" - first text We actually had a text conversation where she could do nothing but apologize, and I kept saying "for what?" and she kept repeating herself. I told her she deserves a great life.. she was burdened with guilt over something, I would suspect it was sleeping with somebody else or starting a new relationship and fears breaking the news to me.. Either way my high road consisted roughly, of "you deserve to be happy, you have taught me a lot, and I am grateful for that. I have learned many things, and I was unfair to keep pushing you for a relationship you were not ready for" Followed up by "we have no 'agreement' you have to live up to.. you are free. Reply something to the effect of "I don't deserve anything and I don't feel alive" to wit, I got concerned, said something to the effect of "you're kinda a mess, and don't feel guilty because of me.. I'm moving on with my life and I'm kind of relieved" But she doesn't want to talk about what has transpired.. I opened the door for her to say something but a part of me is glad she didn't.. her guilt will be an excellent motivator for giving me the best chance in the world at taking the high road.. and... Being a lot less available to hear what she has to say when the guilt starts really taking hold. I'd highly suspect she slept with somebody, and is terrified how I'm going to react. I even went so far as to say jokingly "Hey, it's okay.. I don't put you past being impulsive" (which is how WE ended up getting started) The high road was great, because I was able to show *care* *concern* and *take the high road (noncommital and not affected) and leave her in her dreary solitude to figure out that she needs me much more than she wanted to freely admit. ALbeit it puts n/c back at square 1.. after two and a half days, I do realize it very much risks putting me in the "friend" zone with her looking for me to support her actions/freedom of choice, which I can do just as well not propping her up and stroking her guilt complex with "there, there".. by not being available for her to "feel better". Counterproductive at this point, for her to not 'miss' the part of me that she took less than two days to miss in her life. I would like to say i hurt because I *assume* she slept with somebody else? But the more perspective I have on this one, the more I realize.. 1) she's afraid to lose her security blanket/crutch.. and 2) She is one confused individual, and she's going to do a lot of things to hurt those around her that care.. I don't want any part of that Because I'm better than that. She will come around.. and she already misses me. I now have to focus on being stronger, less available, and more prepared to ignore the classic signs of someone who "needs" the crutch, and is avoiding commitment! Day 1. Square 1. And the cards, just fell immensely in my favour.

Day 2 She's been hurting and non commital for over a year already.. and after spending that much time with someone giving heart and soul, there has to be some sort of 'result' or at least a 'feeling' to provide ME with security. She just doesn't want to say there is. So I said goodbye for now, no friends, no nothing. So, since she thinks it's time to "see what's out there" and wants to remain friends, and insists I not "wait" and that she doesn't hold me back.. well that worked until month 6 of our flingy thing happening, when she decided to sabotage MY first date with someone else, by coming out of her box with real feelings. Didn't wanna lose me. Then she rescinds her feelings and has been blaming me for pushing her ever since. I went N/c yesterday.. and she tried to talk me out of it.. really wanted to remain friends. So this would be kinda day 1/ 1 and a half. I feel kinda like I'm making a mistake, and blaming myself for using this as the 'ultimate' motivator. I just don't want to get shoved into a box and remain a source of emotional stability while she goes through the peril of dating life all over again. It's hell on my own dating life being in love with someone who takes you for granted. While I think I'm making a mistake, I also know that she already misses me. Nothing was going wrong when I left, except that she wouldn't commit to a relationship.. and she needs the time anyways. So a dual purpose in this.. give her time to get her stuff sorted out and date if she wants to. I don't want to know or be there to see it, I'm mortified at the thought of her having sex with somebody else, or having a relationship with someone else, but the fact is, what is the point of staying a friend standing on the shoreline, while she tests the water? I'm just going to have to spend this time looking after me, and diverting my attention to whatever "seeing out there" means for her. What's the point of hanging around dreading the resentment, jealousy, and heartache that I know I will feel when she side steps "too important to date friend" me, to date someone else? At least I've put myself in a position of not becoming an emotional crutch to be taken for granted throughout HER hangups. Shoring up her emotions while she's comparison dating, is not what my place is to be in her life, and i have no intention of being zoned into that "friend" gap that I fill. Ironic that the other thing I saw and reason for initiating no contact, is because if she ends up categorizing me as that safe friend guy, she may never want to risk losing me by attempting to have a relationship. I'm in love with her, but I do not feel appreciated for the amount of time and emotional support I have invested in her and her life. She will realize it more now than ever. Now I have refused even a friendly visit for a while. Summation: I feel guilty, I do question whether I'm making a mistake. But I know on a "what's right" basis (as opposed to how I feel, what is right is often different), What is right here, is to withdraw and let her really feel the full effects of what leaving has taken away, what she has taken for granted, and to expand on what I may bring back to her life by improving myself in the interim. We have an incredible connection I don't doubt that. But either the romance is imminent, or it's not possible in which case, I gotta get the hell outta the situation.