THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Improving123]

What I've learned(let's just say it's a week till my no contact is up):

 

There is no answer on the internet that will provide you with the perfect solution to getting back together with your ex nor with handling a break up.

Every situation is unique and it will take reflecting on the relationship itself and considering bother parties actions to actually come up with a realistic solution.

So I've learned not to play by the rules of what to do and what not to do, and instead, move forward with a clear and rational head.

 

They say that you should go out and have fun, but that made matters worse for me.(since i usually don't handle things that way)

I could only think of my ex despite being out with other people.

 

They say that you should just move on, and while in some relationships, it's the best decision, that solution is not right for every relationship. No one knows you or your ex lover's dynamic better than the two of you.

 

Sometimes things DO need to be talked out. A relationship end that resulted in lack of communication being solved with lack of communication sounds awful. But never becoming an aggressive texting/calling/showing up at their house fiend in any situation. That's not communication, it's like letting a severely drunk person drive. And who wants to communicate with severely drunk people. No one takes them seriously.

 

On here, I see a lot of people saying "just let it go" but that's silly because no one would be on here if it were that easy. I think ideally, we should "lose control" instead.

 

As soon as someone breaks up with you, you lose control over the future that you planned for with them. And so you don't need to let the relationship go, but we should accept losing control of it. Let time and the other person dictate what will happen next and give yourself a break. We can't control the relationship , but we can control other aspects of the future that would lead to stronger relationships and maybe regaining some control in the relationship we had. Consider every single outcome when the time comes to contact them. Good and bad. Or specifically the "bad outcome" that way if it turns out positive, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

That's what I've learned.

[West Coast]

What I've learned(let's just say it's a week till my no contact is up):

 

There is no answer on the internet that will provide you with the perfect solution to getting back together with your ex nor with handling a break up.

Every situation is unique and it will take reflecting on the relationship itself and considering bother parties actions to actually come up with a realistic solution.

So I've learned not to play by the rules of what to do and what not to do, and instead, move forward with a clear and rational head.

 

They say that you should go out and have fun, but that made matters worse for me.(since i usually don't handle things that way)

I could only think of my ex despite being out with other people.

 

They say that you should just move on, and while in some relationships, it's the best decision, that solution is not right for every relationship. No one knows you or your ex lover's dynamic better than the two of you.

 

Sometimes things DO need to be talked out. A relationship end that resulted in lack of communication being solved with lack of communication sounds awful. But never becoming an aggressive texting/calling/showing up at their house fiend in any situation. That's not communication, it's like letting a severely drunk person drive. And who wants to communicate with severely drunk people. No one takes them seriously.

 

On here, I see a lot of people saying "just let it go" but that's silly because no one would be on here if it were that easy. I think ideally, we should "lose control" instead.

 

As soon as someone breaks up with you, you lose control over the future that you planned for with them. And so you don't need to let the relationship go, but we should accept losing control of it. Let time and the other person dictate what will happen next and give yourself a break. We can't control the relationship , but we can control other aspects of the future that would lead to stronger relationships and maybe regaining some control in the relationship we had. Consider every single outcome when the time comes to contact them. Good and bad. Or specifically the "bad outcome" that way if it turns out positive, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

That's what I've learned.

 

This is the best thing I think I've read on this site. I had dinner with a guy friend a couple of nights ago and he is going through a bitter divorce. He is cynical about everything and whatever I told him about my ex and I he was very bitter and said that my ex was gone for good and I have to move on and just get through all this crap. His heart is dark right now and he is full of pessimism so that is what he exudes. It really reminded me of the people on this site who are so quick to say let go, move on, he/she doesn't care about you and you're delusional if you think you can salvage any relationship with your ex. To so freely dispense negative advice is an indicator of their own negative feelings and as you said, not applicable because every situation is different.

 

People circle around and reconnect all the time. I've seen it happen several times with people I know. Hell, if it never happened it wouldn't be the main plot of so many shows and movies (Carrie & Mr Big, Girlfriends Guide to Divorce, The Notebook, The Perfect Man etc) Sometimes, some relationships need to recalibrate and people need to have time apart to realize how much they can appreciate being together. Not always but sometimes...

 

Do keep posting here Improving123, I'm curious how your story is going to proceed and I'm rooting for you as my story is similar

[saluk]

Many people give out the "move on" advice out of wisdom and from a positive place rather than a negative one. It's true that sometimes couples who have broken up get back together. It's also true that many of those couples really should not get back together and are bad for each other. And the reason they are able to get back together is not because they truly love each other and are a good match, but because both of them are lonely and afraid of being on their own.

 

For sure, every circumstance is different. I think the danger, and what I see a lot of in people writing in, is the idea that they CAN'T move on, or that life is not worth living if the other person is no longer a part of it. This is a pretty normal emotion, but it's not true, and it's worth trying to at least steer people in a direction toward true rather than false hope. True hope being, they will find a way to heal, and can be happy again - even if the person does not ever take them back. False hope being, the dumper made a mistake and is someday going to change their mind. People do move on even after absolutely crushing circumstances. And that is powerful to me, and those of us who haven't been able to reconnect find hope in that spirit.

 

But everyone is on their own path, and in different circumstances. At the end of the day we do what we must, like me continuing to go to the same church while my ex dates someone else and loves to show him off to everyone. He's like a trophy, something she uses to validate that she is worth something. Ugh I can say that it's made me stronger, but sometimes I think actually leaving and getting real no contact may have helped me to recover quicker.

 

Learning how to let go of being in control is probably the most valuable thing you can ever learn. Because there are so many things that are not in your power. I like that perspective Improving123. Try to make a positive impact where you can, but understand that the outcomes will always be what they will be and aren't up to you to decide.

[SeanCages]

I think you're misreading what people mean with "move on". It's just a way of saying you should work to get in the right mindset to be happy with how things are. And once you're there, you can decide to go for that ex or not, but regardless of the result, you will be a better person out of it and you will be able to take the result.

 

For me it doesn't mean give up on your ex. It just means to not give up on yourself.

[West Coast]

I think you're misreading what people mean with "move on". It's just a way of saying you should work to get in the right mindset to be happy with how things are. And once you're there, you can decide to go for that ex or not, but regardless of the result, you will be a better person out of it and you will be able to take the result.

 

For me it doesn't mean give up on your ex. It just means to not give up on yourself.

 

I get what you're saying, I really do and I appreciate the sentiment and desire to help. However, from the stuff I have read I rarely see anyone asking probing questions to look for a way to mend a relationship. Sure, moving on is good for some, probably most, but we seem to live in this society where giving up is the answer. When my boyfriend and I broke up last March we had a couple of weeks apart where we continued to communicate. After that I lured him back but wasn't ready for it and broke up with him a month later. I was in a really bad place from work pressure and other factors that had both of us in a pressure cooker for months. When the dust settled he had felt so abandoned when I had broken up with him that he said he's done. I've done the NC for months and he isn't reaching out. Now why is it so wrong to want to right this and get a second chance to approach the relationship from a much healthier place? After all we had four and a half really amazing years, circumstances blew us apart and I'm just not convinced that the only answer is to forget about him and find someone else. Sometimes giving up and walking away is showing the other person just that, that you are giving up on them and the relationship.

 

All I see on this site is people shooting from the hip based on a short sound byte of a persons relationship. I mean there are so many subleties, nuances and deeper issues that could be going on. It just seems dangerous for a stranger on the internet to say that your partner is over you and moved on so you better just move on and forget them, they don't love you etc. In some cases this may be true but what if... just what if there was something to fight for and the window to do so is not going to be open forever? People are so emotionally fragile when they come to this site and I just find it a bit bothersome when these vigilante "platinum" posters with tens of thousands of posts feel like they are keyboard quasi-therapists while they do nothing but read and respond on this site day in and day out. These are peoples lives and emotions and they are asking for help and getting it from these people who don't have any qualifications and dispense their "he's over you" advice in a second and then move on. I would just like to see more inquiry and support rather than just a sentence that makes the OP feel like crap.

 

I know, I know. What do I expect from the Internet

[West Coast]

For me it doesn't mean give up on your ex. It just means to not give up on yourself.

 

I do like the way you put it here and think that would be a much more effective and powerful message to tell these people... You don't have to give up hope of reconciliation but especially don't give up on yourself and becoming a better you.

[Improving123]

I do understand that outcomes aren't up for us to decide. Did you read my statement where i said "we should accept losing control of it"

 

As in losing control of the relationship. When you accept that you don't control it means you understand that the outcome isn't up for you to decide.

[saluk]

I know that's the part of what you said I agreed with the most, hence "I like that perspective Improving123".

 

The danger is that you may think you have accepted the outcome, deluding yourself that sticking around and hoping for a reconciliation is the right thing for you, only to be rejected again and again, having it hurt just as much and sometimes more each time. I can only speak from my own experience, but all of the cases where I've been dumped or rejected, I would have done better to follow a strict no contact much sooner. I have healed from most of these, but this healing has really only happened after a long period where I did not see or hear from the person. And my most recent heartbreak I'm really only recently started to heal from, and that only came from finally letting go of not only the outcomes, but the friendship. (You can look through this thread to see my recent history here) So this is the most common advice I personally give - always of course weighing the situation and what is conveyed.

 

As always, we all have different experiences and viewpoints. I know you are in a rough place. The best thing is to know we've all been somewhere similar. The advice part is really secondary. Some posters are a little blunt sometimes, but then that may work for some types of people so who knows. Getting advice is nice but we still have to be the ones to figure out what to do! That's the annoying part but it can also be empowering if you think about it.

[rlhuk]

Hi everyone, long time!

 

I'm pleased to say that the things I was feeling in my last post were unfounded and things seem to be going well.

 

Saluk - I'm glad that God came to you and changed your outlook. I'm not religious myself but it's good that you have something to take comfort in like that

[SeanCages]

Yeah, what do you expect from the internet. And sometimes, being a little more direct is the only way people actually take the hint. Also, a lot of people here really do need to give up on their past relationship before they destroy every bridge or connection they have with this other person. Give up on the old one to make room for a new one.

 

Now why is it so wrong to want to right this and get a second chance to approach the relationship from a much healthier place? After all we had four and a half really amazing years, circumstances blew us apart and I'm just not convinced that the only answer is to forget about him and find someone else. Sometimes giving up and walking away is showing the other person just that, that you are giving up on them and the relationship.

 

And it takes two to tango. I will reach out to my ex at some point in the near future, I'm pretty sure about that. And for me, that's alright, I don't need her to be the first one. But I do need to be in a place where if I don't like what she has to offer, or she doesn't like what I have to offer, I'm ok with that.

[ntAgainPetunia]

And it takes two to tango. I will reach out to my ex at some point in the near future, I'm pretty sure about that. And for me, that's alright, I don't need her to be the first one. But I do need to be in a place where if I don't like what she has to offer, or she doesn't like what I have to offer, I'm ok with that.

 

Bingo!

 

Remember everyone, the point of NC, first and foremost, is to heal and ground yourself. Once you regain most of your strength, you'll be able to get a handle on what you want and that might be different than what you want at this point.

 

My own case, I went NC for about 7 weeks. By that point, I was still not over my ex, but I had the strength by then to reach out and wish her a happy birthday. We slowly started talking and are at the point now where we chat online a few nights a week (and she is able to joke about me blocking her on FB). Will we reconcile? Who knows, but I was able to tell her face to face that I didn't want to date her at this point (and I don't, as we still have our own individual issues to deal with). Maybe, hopefully someday... or not. I'll be fine either way.

 

So, NC = healing, and if, if, you can get to that point, then you can figure out what or who you want to do

[Improving123]

I know that's the part of what you said I agreed with the most, hence "I like that perspective Improving123".

 

The danger is that you may think you have accepted the outcome, deluding yourself that sticking around and hoping for a reconciliation is the right thing for you, only to be rejected again and again, having it hurt just as much and sometimes more each time. I can only speak from my own experience, but all of the cases where I've been dumped or rejected, I would have done better to follow a strict no contact much sooner. I have healed from most of these, but this healing has really only happened after a long period where I did not see or hear from the person. And my most recent heartbreak I'm really only recently started to heal from, and that only came from finally letting go of not only the outcomes, but the friendship. (You can look through this thread to see my recent history here) So this is the most common advice I personally give - always of course weighing the situation and what is conveyed.

 

As always, we all have different experiences and viewpoints. I know you are in a rough place. The best thing is to know we've all been somewhere similar. The advice part is really secondary. Some posters are a little blunt sometimes, but then that may work for some types of people so who knows. Getting advice is nice but we still have to be the ones to figure out what to do! That's the annoying part but it can also be empowering if you think about it.

 

 

?

 

But that doesn't make any sense. If you've accepted losing control then your not deluding yourself into sticking around. I also mentioned that every outcome has to be considered when it comes time to contact them. As in, the person's going to consider the fact there isn't any possible reconciliation. It's what I said below.

 

" Let time and the other person dictate what will happen next and give yourself a break. We can't control the relationship , but we can control other aspects of the future that would lead to stronger relationships and maybe regaining some control in the relationship we had. Consider every single outcome when the time comes to contact them. Good and bad. Or specifically the 'bad outcome' that way if it turns out positive, you'll be pleasantly surprised."

[SeanCages]

So today I ran into my ex. It's christmasmarket, I was there with a few friends, she was there with her group of 8 girls.

We passed her once, but I kinda ignored it, then at the exit, I was taking a picture of a whole bunch of girls I know, and chatting some, and she just went up to me to say like "Hey, long time no see". So I made some small talk, but everyone was there, my friends, hers, so I made some jokes with those girls and then said: "We're grabbing a drink, ciao". The entire 'moment' was pretty short, I think I only said like 4 things directly to her. So yeah, it was strange. When I set out on No Contact, my plan was to initiate contact about this time and maybe go to the christmas market together and see what could happen. But I don't know how her relationship with the new guy is, and I got off that plan a few weeks back, so it's not going to happen, not in 2015. But still, it was a weird exchange. I didn't really look at her, so I don't know how she felt about coming up to me, but alright, just going to keep doing what I have been doing so far.

[mbgeezle]

Day 1. I think she has gigs. still madly in love with me she says. she still looks at me the same. hugs me the same. still called me the same pet name. well she did on Saturday. has become infatuated with a Co worker who has a girlfriend. she's kissed him. Shes 18. me 26. she's very mature for her age. She is my best friend. me hers. She said she needs to go and live. she said WE need this. and she said we'll be together in the future but she just doesn't want it right now. I'm devastated but I'm back in the gym after 1 day. I'm aching like hell and it's a sense of achievement. Booked a 8hr tattoo session for January. I'm getting me back. We have agreed she is going to collect her things from my bin. I'm going to leave them their today. She is going to leave my driving licence. I have told her I love her and hold no bitterness. we are best friends and in time we will be able to revisit that if we both want it. I've said I'm letting her go. And moving on. She said I love you and that is it. Day 1. After a few days of breaking it. Not one sign this was going to happen. nothing. still as in love and as close as ever. I'm still in shock but I no the correct way go get myself back!

[West Coast]

Bingo!

 

Remember everyone, the point of NC, first and foremost, is to heal and ground yourself. Once you regain most of your strength, you'll be able to get a handle on what you want and that might be different than what you want at this point.

 

My own case, I went NC for about 7 weeks. By that point, I was still not over my ex, but I had the strength by then to reach out and wish her a happy birthday. We slowly started talking and are at the point now where we chat online a few nights a week (and she is able to joke about me blocking her on FB). Will we reconcile? Who knows, but I was able to tell her face to face that I didn't want to date her at this point (and I don't, as we still have our own individual issues to deal with). Maybe, hopefully someday... or not. I'll be fine either way.

 

So, NC = healing, and if, if, you can get to that point, then you can figure out what or who you want to do

 

Very nicely put, thank you.

[mbgeezle]

If anyone could read my story and give me some advice I'd be eternally greatful

[Improving123]

So my NC is up. It was 29 days essentially but I figured it be better to do it today.

 

I'm super conflicted. I texted him and it was kind of nice, he was friendly. I mean. I feel like i could play my cards right and rekindle the relationship but a part of me feels like i just want to talk about what happened(because it needs to be discussed, it wasn't a normal situation). But people suggest not doing that if you want to get back together, but im not sure i care about that anymore. Anyways, this post doesn't really apply to me anymore since my nc is over but here's so advice about common responses from an ex after the nc is over.

 

1. They'll be happy to hear from you

2. They'll be happy but cautious(you can sense a distanced mood from them)

3. They're neutral(which means they might be angry at you or still hurt and may need more time. Their texts will probably be short and curt)

4. They're angry(which isn't a bad thing per say since they obviously care about you enough to be angry that you didn't contact them, use that in your favor)

5. No response(worst one. It means they are still,angry, hurt, need more time) Wait another week and try again. If still no answer, you should probably go nc 30 days again.

 

I got these five from a website that talks about how guys feel after nc is up and these 5 came up as the most popular responses. Good luck everyone! Love yourself and take care of yourself. Also someone once said that a good "cure" for a break up is getting a pet(if you can) just saying.

[saluk]

So I just found out they are engaged. It's been a week. Don't feel great. Last real obstacle to cross though. I'm shaking, and I'm probably going to see them today. I will try to be happy for them even though I feel so very alone right now.

 

Man, all of a sudden everyone around me is getting engaged too. The holidays suck.

[saluk]

Made it through the day. Broke no contact to congratulate them because it just seemed like the right thing to do. It puts her at ease not wondering what I think about it or when I'm going to comment on it. Just rip that band-aid off. And it has a similar effect for me. Now I can go back to not really talking to her and it's not a big deal.

 

When contact does need to happen, get it out of the way.

 

Still upset, but I knew this was coming. Other status changes have affected me more. I know she's not right for me - I'm looking for my equal. It's just hard because I still remember how happy she made me, I'm lonely this time of year, and looking for my equal keeps drawing complete blanks. This doesn't really change anything.

I'll be better tomorrow.

 

Gosh walking in there was so hard. I'm glad I was strong enough to do it! Hope everyone else is doing well with their situations.

[coldmoon]

I don't even know how long i've been in NC. 3, 4 months maybe. Well, my ex still didn't contacted me. I'm living my own life and i'm interested in someone else Everything gets better.

[Tom1990]

Oh, this thread, this lovely lovely thread, how I've missed you so.

 

Last contact with my ex was last Saturday, when she said she needed a break (after which I said I felt horrible for letting her down, etc etc, but that is neither here nor there when NC is concerned). And so today is Day 3 of NC for me!

[Tom1990]

Day 4 of NC. I'm wondering if she'll send me a Christmas message. I have no desire to send her one. If she does, I'll say Merry Christmas back, no big deal to me. I don't feel like I'll be stressing about it, but the fact that I'm posting about it in the first place tells me something!

[ntAgainPetunia]

Tom, the whole holiday/birthday/whatever message thing is common and normal and a no-win situation. I'd tell you (and everyone else) to just not think about it, but we all do it anyhow. The fact that you recognize that you are commenting on it is a plus. You still can't win, but knowing you can't win seems to help get over it no matter what she says or doesn't say on xmas.

 

I took a few minutes to look at your backstory and it seems like both of you are confused what you want. You've heard it a million times, but keep up with the NC, focus on yourself and if you do end up talking anytime in the near future, be calm, cool and no relationship talk.

 

Best wishes through the holidays!

[Tom1990]

Tom, the whole holiday/birthday/whatever message thing is common and normal and a no-win situation. I'd tell you (and everyone else) to just not think about it, but we all do it anyhow. The fact that you recognize that you are commenting on it is a plus. You still can't win, but knowing you can't win seems to help get over it no matter what she says or doesn't say on xmas.

 

I took a few minutes to look at your backstory and it seems like both of you are confused what you want. You've heard it a million times, but keep up with the NC, focus on yourself and if you do end up talking anytime in the near future, be calm, cool and no relationship talk.

 

Best wishes through the holidays!

 

Thanks, you too! I would probably make the boundary of "We can definitely be friends, and if we end up dating I'd be willing to give it another go, but I can't be flirty-friends-that-sometimes-date-and-sometimes-are-just-friends-and-maybe-even-kiss-once-in-a-while. That was confusing as hell for me." But only if she brings it up. Otherwise, it's casual friends for me.

 

ETA day 5 of NC.

[hazel125]

It is now week 3 of NC for me. Unless you consider her texting me "hey, I mailed of the dogs favorite toy! Hope you got it!"

I'm which I never responded