THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[IAmFCA]

Day 4. I'm strong. Changing how I talk to myself.

 

Today is ending. He's come up today in a couple of contexts. I didn't even use his name though it would have made sense. "I have a friend who. .."

 

It's not odd, anymore. It's... a chemical attraction, a smart soul, a wandering self. Not suitable.

[saluk]

Day 14.

 

Half way there. Yay. None of the people I usually talk to at church were there today, so I just left real quick so I wouldn't run into Her. I didn't look at her much during church, though I'll admit I did glance once to see who she was sitting with. But later, I was looking in her direction and had forgotten that's where she was sitting, so she wasn't at the forefront of my mind. Church itself was actually really good - and useful - for where I am. It's easy to pick up burdens that aren't mine to carry when God is there waiting to take them. I'm actually feeling pretty hopeful in general.

 

Also, in other news, I've been on 2 dates with this other girl and she was finally ready to give me her number (she wouldn't give it to me right away as she said she's had trouble from giving it out on the site before) - and still wants to hang out again. I'm still really guarded, and I think we are both pretty shy, but I don't feel like running away like I have all of the other times I've tried to date since the ex. I'm going to give her 20 hours of time (not including passive things like movies) before I try and analyze things too much. Just going with the flow. The next week of NC should be fairly quiet, as I am not really worried about running into her around my apartment (it hasn't happened yet). I think the NC has been the most useful for the jealousy part of the situation, when I see my neighbor I don't have the immediate urge to slap him

 

I haven't talked to my ex the entire month of July except for once.

 

She called me one day and I ignored it and then she called another day and I ignored it so she sent me a text saying she was just curious how I was doing. I f'd up and called her back and we talked for 20 minutes.

 

Other than that I haven't reached out to her.

 

How did you feel afterwards? Sometimes accidentally losing no contact can be a good way to test how you are doing.

[IAmFCA]

Was just on fb. Asked myself if I wanted to look at his page.

 

No. It feels like yesterday's news.

 

Now that's a watershed moment.

[Sanig1233]

Day 1 i accept. Great idea. I need this to work and I need to stick to it. I'll post later how the day went for me. The hard part is Facebook. Can't stay off can't stop looking her up

[IAmFCA]

Was just on fb. Asked myself if I wanted to look at his page.

 

No. It feels like yesterday's news.

 

Now that's a watershed moment.

 

Adding, Day 5.

[ConfusedManToo]

How did you feel afterwards? Sometimes accidentally losing no contact can be a good way to test how you are doing.

 

Well, at no point during this entire process have I stopped missing her. I've made a lot progress in moving on compared to how I felt weeks to a month postbreakup. I was a mess. She still finds her way into my thoughts but not as consistently. I've tried to understand her motive for seeking how I am but I'm sure it meant nothing other than maybe she just wanted to say hello.

 

It definitely put her back in my mind though. We had a talk like we hadn't been NC basically. It was awkward on her end trying to gather words and keep the conversation going. At one point she said she would call me right back but needed to go see her brother for a second. I used that opportunity to cut the talk short and sent her a "it was nice hearing from you" text. Kept it short.

 

All the advice I've read online says you must keep contact to a minimal if you want to heal. That's what I want.

[IAmFCA]

Adding, Day 5.

 

He called me, and I dialed him.back. He never calls, so I made it a priority. We might talk tomorrow morning, but I doubt it. I've no idea why he called, probably wasn't as high a priority as I assumed.

 

Oh well. We've still never made it 14 days even.

[saluk]

I commented on a FB post by a mutual friend that She also commented on. But I wasn't replying to Her, and I was glad with the interaction with the friend. I'm not going to call it since there was no direct interaction (and any system there is, I will try to game it!)

 

So.... Day 15. Nothing much to report. Spending most of my time wondering when/if I'm going to call/text date girl and what I might say. The ex is becoming a shadow again, but I've been here before and the wind can change at any time. Hold fast.

[suzyque]

Day 3. The first 2 days were pretty easy, because I was so angry at him. Today was a little harder, as I thought about him a lot, in a good way, and am kinda worried about him, as everything he owns, is still here. I can't contact him, as he has no phone, and I don't know his email. So if he contact s me, I will not respond.

[saluk]

Day 16.

 

Texted date girl, we had a little bit of back and forth. No plan for next date yet.

 

Ex? Ex who?

[adrianuk]

It's like an addiction and anyone that has ever tried to stop smoking or drinking etc will know exactly how it feels. You cling onto the memories of when it was great. You forget about the times you sat there inn silence on the sofa with nothing to say to each other. Focus on the bad it did for you, his/her idiosyncrasies the ones that drove you mad. Take one day at a time. Each day pat yourself on the back and reward yourself for overcoming the addiction that is your ex.

 

I just wish I listened to my own advice lol.

[saluk]

Day 17/18

 

I missed her a bit again yesterday. is wrong with me seriously. I think I posted about her yesterday and that brought up some of the old feelings again.

Bringing her up in other enotalone posts is dangerous, but she's the only real experience I have.

 

Ok, time to put it all away again. My life now is great. So much better than it was when we dated. So much better than it was afterward when I still had hope to get her back. She's not the One. She's merely the first. I have hope in my current dating life. The future is more important than the past, and the present is forming me in a way to enable that future. I want to be free. I am free. I'm open to whatever opportunities God brings me.

[ConfusedManToo]

Hmm. Ex girlfriend texted me yesterday about a topic revolving a mutual friend of ours. I've never been keen on talking about people so the conversation went like this:

 

Her: such and such is taking the breakup so hard

Me: why what's happening

Her: he's down and out

Me: what's he saying

Her: he's blowing my phone up

 

Our mutual friend is her cousin so that's that. But she has initiated contact with me every time this month. 2 calls and 2 texts. I never replied after that. I'm just the dumpee so I'm over analyzing and am curious with those numbers of her reaching out is it a big deal or no?? The only time she ever said she missed me was back in June.

[ConfusedManToo]

Also I should point out that when we broke up she said "Now you are a friend maybe more another time" so she tried to friend zone me. This could just be her testing the friendship waters. I know she does that cause she is friends with her ex boyfriends from the past.

[saluk]

Day 19/20/21

 

Somehow it's getting harder again instead of easier. Went on another date on Saturday, but I feel so emotionally distant it's hard. It was good, but I just don't feel able to push past into anything more than just hanging out. So I'm left trying really hard not to compare where we are on the third date to where I was with Her on the first. I want that again. But I know enough by to know that it's going to be something I have to be patient with in growing into. It won't happen like that again, because I'm not able to let my guard down and be swept away. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. As long as she keeps accepting my terrible date ideas, I'll keep making them happen. Maybe she has walls too.

 

The concert is this weekend. I should probably just get out of it, but I don't want to. I always get stuck between saying goodbye to things I like that are attached to Her in some way, and leaving myself open to the attachment continuing. I wouldn't dump her brother as my best friend, I wouldn't leave my church where I have been able to grow so much, and I keep joining things that she is a part of. I just feel like the only way to really escape 100% would be to actually make a real move... and I'm still not yet prepared to do so. So. The concert. I'm taking my sisters, and She'll be in the audience with her sister - who was asking today where we are sitting. It's possible I will have an encounter there, but there will be so many people around, it might not be a big deal.

 

The key point I think, is to not do what I have done in the past - seek to create an encounter and then be either happy that one happens, or disappointed when it doesn't. I will avoid it if I can, but otherwise try to bend in the wind.

 

Focus before then is on why I am trying to move on. What I am looking for will not be found here. All of the gold that was in that rock has been mined. The gold was very shiny! But there is no more gold in this vein. I can keep hitting the rock, but it's just going to wear me out, with nothing to show for it. Time to make the expensive but worthwhile process of moving the equipment to the next mountain - one that will have an even greater yield.

[saluk]

Day 22

 

One of my friends who is helping me with this stuff said he's proud of me. I'm not sure what for. For not talking to my friends because she is near them? For avoiding being a friend to someone I still care about? For dating someone who I don't carry about and staying emotionally distant while doing so?

 

Not depressed. Just don't like where I am right now. Have to remember to hope for better times, and stay strong through the hard ones.

[saluk]

Day 23

 

Last night sucked. I don't know why.

 

Read a facebook post by a mutual friend and managed to read all of the comments to the post except the comment She made. My eyes just went right past it I don't have an urge to read it.

 

To infinity and beyond.

[saluk]

Day 24/Day 25

 

What triggered this latest need to break away - she finally showed signs that she has moved on, or at least is getting there. I've done some soul searching the last few days, especially thinking about the girl I'm dating now, and come to a different conclusion about my feelings than what I had thought initially. I think it's more of a jealousy that she might be feeling again what we felt at the beginning of our relationship; something I haven't felt since. It was just so easy for us to fall in love - we kept running into each other at places and neither had any big intentions, but everything worked so well and clicked into place right when we both were open to it. It was so easy, and fun, and exciting... and I still feel held back like some part of me is unable to feel that again. So seeing her in the BEGINNING of something, yeah it made me jealous. But it's not really about her or me still being in love with her.

 

It's the part of me that I still feel like I'm missing, something that I lost in that experience, that even with everything else I've gained, I'm not sure I will ever get back - that's what makes me sad. All the dates I've been on have left me wondering if that experience, that connection I'm looking for, is closer or further away. It sure feels far away right now.

[saluk]

Day 26

 

Feeling good today!

[saluk]

Day 27

 

NC has been a big help. Went to the concert. Fortunately she was on the other side of the stadium so I couldn't have looked at her if I wanted to, but I didn't want to. I was able to enjoy myself and not think about it.

 

Will still see her at church tomorrow. There is a chance she will ask me about the concert (she knew I was there). But where before I would want to seek out such an encounter, I'm prepared for it but genuinely not seeking it out. I won't be disappointed if such an encounter doesn't happen. Technically "done" with the NC challenge in 3 days. I feel done now. Though the point of the challenge is in hope that you can continue it indefinitely without effort. Due to my situation I don't know if I will continue, but hopefully the attitude of staying detached and keeping proper boundaries will continue. I may keep updating here, because I don't necessarily want to start an actual journal that people are reading and commenting on, but typing my thoughts in here has really helped. Also it will keep this thread bumped!

[Davidrmt]

NC has been helping me a bit. I have been NC for 4 days now (I'm not proud to say I was a week before that, but broke it one day, so I had to reset it)

 

It hurts every morning, because she is the first thing on my mind, but it has been getting a bit easier every day.

 

I will admit I still want her back, though I'm not sure it's the best idea. Our breakup was a confusing mess, and we have both admitted we still love each other. But she's with another guy right now, though she claims he doesn't mean as much to her as I do.

 

I told her not to contact me until he is gone. Wish me luck

[saluk]

Good luck David, you can do it! It doesn't matter how much each of you guys means to her, you've got to mean enough to someone to make them forsake all others.

 

Day 28/Day 0

 

Well... My friend showed up after church and I wanted to hang out with him. He was going to have lunch after with his family - of course including Her. I was feeling pretty OK (see previous posts) so decided to go along and see how it went. Standing in line for food, she asked me about the concert, and then later while sitting down, I felt I had to contribute some to the group conversation. Nothing bad happened of course, actually it was kind of nice. But it pulled my focus a bit toward her again. I need to pull away again.

 

I know I'll feel better tomorrow. I actually still feel better than last Sunday. Just... I don't know. I can't describe how I feel on Sundays. Stuck. Nostalgic. Out of body.

 

Oh well. Up and to the right.

[Davidrmt]

Thanks Saluk!

 

You sound like you're doing really well in a tough situation. I wish you much luck as well

[Pikachu]

Day 44: BU almost 3 months ago, went immediately NC. NC lasted for 52 days, until I saw her at a party and she talked to me. I shouldn't have done that, because I had a major setback and needed to start all over again..

 

Day 44 now since I talked to her, things are going much much better then at the beginning. One tip for everybody remove them on all social media + try to avoid contact and being in the same room with them[/b], until you are absolutely sure you are over them..

[saluk]

@Pikachu - yes both of those are very important! Leaving either door open is like having a breath mint after meals but never brushing or flossing your teeth. Your breath may stop stinking, but you are still going to get cavities.