THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[IAmFCA]

Day 4

Missed being able to use him for attention, but not that much. Enjoyed ability to draw on others.

[atrain4858]

I wrote an email to him today. NC will start tomorrow and be Day 1 - 7/16/2015.

 

We broke up 8 months ago actually and I didnt speak a word to him for 6 months. I thought I was over things and he walked into my life a couple weeks ago. However he has a gf. He has been trying to have us both ... like I am a secret friend and I don't like it so I laid down my boudaries and told him if he wants to contact me it has to be ok.

 

There is more to the story. I still have very strong feelings for him. Alot of things happened between us and I was in a terrible place myself when we were together.

 

I apologized and told him I want him back, but I want to start slow and .... blah blah.

 

BUT he's still with the other girl, he tells me he misses me like crazy, but he's still with her. I get it, this literally all unfolded in a week and I'm still a little confused.

 

I love him and I want him to come to me. I'm starting no contact because he needs to miss me. I need to clear my head and if it's right, God will bring us together again.

 

Until then ... on ward and upward

[saluk]

Day 4

 

Was going through some old archived text conversations with her, and my best friend from in the past. Ostensibly to delete them as a ritual, but of course I end up reading a lot of it. Kind of eye opening. These are all post-breakup, during the strange will-they/won't-they cloud that has followed us the past couple years. A cloud so ripe that others have noticed it.

 

But one of the interesting ones was a text where I remember her saying she had a hard time being friends with me because she still wasn't sure how she felt about me. I gave her space then, but I also in the back of my mind used that text as evidence that she still might carry a torch and come back. Reading the text now, in context with our conversation, it comes accross more that the break-up and following events were just uncomfortable and she wasn't sure how she felt about friendship with me.

 

Some of the conversations I had with my friend (her brother) were a bit telling as well. He filled me in on a couple of the things she said about my behind my back. I do remember some of these and remember that hearing them upset me at the time... but my selective memory tuned them out. Some of the post-breakup things that offended her were just plain silly. She was mad at ME that when someone asked me if I was hurt about breaking up; I answered truthfully that I was. It's good to remember some of these immaturities for what they are, somewhat away from the emotional stew I was in at the time, in order to stay focused on the mature, kind, and loving future bride that I hope to find someday. And notice that her maturity level hasn't really changed a whole lot. Maybe this new relationship will be an opportunity for her to grow up a little more?

 

I am feeling like I might be OK to go to the retreat with her. The further I shed the old feelings that I thought I had lost, the more I realize how immaterial they are. It's still more than a couple weeks away. Though I still have like 200 questions I would ask her if we found ourselves stuck at the bottom of a well waiting for rescue. I want to get to the point where I don't even care for an explanation about anything.

 

I see her sister today. Family gathering. I will keep NC by not asking her anything about the ex. Shouldn't be too hard.

 

The worst thing is just that feeling that I might run into the two of them at any time. When I hear him come up the stairs I wonder if she is out there with him etc. I kind of have an urge to just stand on the steps and watch lol. Stupid. I don't need to know if she is there or not or what is going on with them. I need to accept the situation whatever it is. Still working on that.

[kiara17]

Day 16 NC

Today was okay, I was busy at work and kept myself busy whilst at home. Part of me still hopes he'll contact me, and then another part of me doesn't. I hope I'm able to get over this soon, it's hard wanting two different things. I know I need to move on, but part of me wants to wait.

[IAmFCA]

Day 5

Feels like much longer than that so it is good that I am counting

[saluk]

Day 5

 

Hanging out with the exes sister and my family went fine. We dropped her off at her apartment she shares with her sister and I felt OK about it. I didn't overhear anything really about the ex, just one comment that wasn't about anything immediate. Most important, I didn't have any sudden urges to ask her how the ex is doing, or who the ex is with (I don't even know if she is interested in the guy that started this train of thought or if they are just friends!)

 

When this started two weeks ago I almost felt like this was as bad as when she first left me. It's not. During the week I get back to relative calm. It's just those jealousy pangs that hit when I see them together! Hopefully not talking to her will help that subside. I will know again in a couple days if this is really helping or not.

 

For today, I have a date, so no time to think about it really... If it goes well it will probably help. If it doesn't go well... we'll see.

[IAmFCA]

Heard mention of him being away, didn't like hearing it. The minute passed but that tells me there still is leftover effects and NC is essential.

 

Day 5 coming to a close.

[engraved2008]

Day 7...i am doing NC because he had rejected me and blowing me off for the past three weeks...I am doing NC to let go of hope...like lots of you here,I hope he misses me at least ...I always hoped I was not just another broken heart he collected.I had enough reasons to leave and I did not. My ex thought every girl is there to get him, to trap him.He had many reasons to stay but chose not to ...he thought I was going to trap him and keep him only for me...but now he is free like he wanted to.

[IAmFCA]

Day 6

 

Kids asked about him yesterday. Also I miss having something so comfortable.

[IAmFCA]

Oh well. Messaged him to find out what is posted on instagram, after my brother called to say pics of him with new chick are "splashed all over fb". Our daughters are instagram linked, and I'd rather mine hear of his new relationship from me before seeing pics on instagram.

 

He hasn't answered, so I guess tomorrow will be day 0, presuming I hear from him then. Pain in the butt. My brother was pissed too, like Some kind of bf, here you are being all chill and he can't even manage that. Lol. Poor bro hadn't remembered that we irreversibly let him go.

 

So, too bad big guy. I didn't throw you under the bus. You did that to yourself.

 

Regrettably, you were still like my own skin, more fun than any, and I'm not quite done shedding you yet.

[IAmFCA]

He answered that nothing is posted.

 

I'm not bothering to respond after he answered, but probably I should say thank you.

 

I'm feeling not so charitable about him right now, and am putting myself to bed.

[IAmFCA]

Day 1.

 

Decided to open up a bit to my new guy. This nun like living is not meant for me and is particularly difficult after giving up the mind blowing physicality I've left behind.

[saluk]

Day 6

 

Had the date the night before. Weirdly I found out from talking to the date that I had been on a similar first meet with her sister a couple years before. That's online dating for you eh? But, despite some awkward silences it went OK and we made plans to meet again the next day and hang out at the local festival. That was today, day 6. But we ended up not connecting, because the festival was crazy, it was too hot, and she left early with a migraine so we didn't try for long.

 

I didn't think about Her much on this day, I was just too busy. Staying busy is good.

 

Day 7

 

Sunday. Church. Her. It was pretty difficult to keep no contact, not difficult to execute, but it just felt... stupid? Mean even. There were people there that I wanted to socialize with but could not do because they were socializing with Her. I also felt kind of silly. What did she do to me really? Just because she has ignored me a lot, why should I ignore her? But I know it's best for me - and probably best for us - and that I need to get to a more balanced place before I relax a little. The boundaries may feel silly, but if I treat it like an exercise maybe I will grow to be more in tune with where they actually SHOULD be.

 

Next challenge... Her and my sisters are hanging out at a party today. To keep this up I have to not ask my sisters how she is doing when I see them. Challenge accepted

 

I also should probably try and meet the date again sometime soon.

[IAmFCA]

I goofed. For some entirely unknown reason, I just let him know that my father asked after him. Sent along a pic of me and the baby, threw in some other family news. No idea why I was so chatty and unfiltered. It was unsolicited and unnecessary. It's like a rebound from the cold chill of yesterday. It's like, ok, you are solid with your gf so I can relax now? I have no idea. Whatevs. This too shall pass.

[mikesmith1]

I Had the same thing happen i need space then week later new BF..but she wants to be friends yet 3 weeks not a peep. I am in misery she could care less despite what she said.About missing me and how its so hard I will always love you ..Ya right I am an idiot

[saluk]

Day 8. Well, my sisters had a lot to say about the party, but I was able to steer the conversation away from Her. There were some things that happened at the party (just normal friends stuff), not directly related, that I was even able to help talk and pray through with my sisters. I definitely had the urge to ask about Her, how she is doing, if they found it if she is really dating *that guy* or not... but I told them not to tell me anything and they didn't. It's for the best.

 

I took a look and 30 days of NC is up the DAY that we will be at a concert together. So I think that will be a good test time. 3 more weeks and I think it's possible I will be back to normal, which is where I was towards the beginning of the year.

 

I didn't think about Her much today so far. I have to keep in mind a thought I had yesterday - She doesn't deserve to be a high priority in my mind or my life. Why do I allow Her to be at the center? She sits on my throne. It's not healthy to me - and She doesn't even know that she is there!

 

All of you who struggle with NC, think about that. Who are you putting at the center of your world - do they deserve to be there?

[IAmFCA]

Not counting. Starting over, but feel in a new place. Not counting.

[saluk]

Day 9

 

Another dream, which set me off a bit. 2 parts of the dream: me and her crossed paths and she said hello to me really loud, trying to get me to talk as I would not respond to her. Second, I heard a party going on at the guys apartment, and the door was open. I was tempted to go in and say hi, but instead I just went in my room.

 

Lol. I'm no contact even in my dreams!

 

During my shower this morning I instinctively went to that place, thinking about Her, the situation, started coming up with things I would say if she ever asked me why I'm not talking to her. Stupid stuff. I opened my eyes and saw what looked like a spider in the corner of my eye climbing down the shower walls. My skin crawled. Then I realized it was merely the shadow of my fingers. I was LITERALLY jumping at shadows. It was a neat picture of the shadows that I am metaphorically jumping at.

 

Taking it one day at a time, as life comes. I'm only going to jump at reality, and stay out of my head.

[saluk]

Day 10

 

Nothing particular to report. I went a couple blocks out of my way when walking home to avoid the building she works at. It's not really an issue, because I have been walking by there on my route for 2 years and not once have we crossed paths. But all in the name of wider-than-necessary boundaries to make Her an unimportant part of my life. Definitely thought about Her a lot less yesterday.

 

Still setting up a second date, not particularly feeling it, but not particularly not feeling it either If nothing else it's a good use of my energies toward moving forward rather than probing around in the past trying to resuscitate the dead.

[saluk]

I guess I'm the only one here now?

 

Day 11

 

Yesterday I had a team event for work, and I walked to the event. A good portion of that walk was along a road I haven't walked in a while. The last time I walked that stretch of road was 2 days after she broke up with me. It was one of the lowest times in my life. Remembering it didn't make me feel bad now, but it made me remember how she had made me felt. Why would I want to try to have a close relationship with someone who made me feel that way? It was a good reminder.

 

Still...

 

Day 12

 

Today my sisters are at another party she will be at. I loaned them one of my games to take. Even though I won't be there, I find myself imagining what Her face will look like when my sister says, "and here is the game we will play that I'm borrowing from my brother". Weird thought I have another date, so... whatever.

[IAmFCA]

Day 2

lol I thought it was like, day 5

 

No wonder I've been missing interaction with him. That fun is freshly absent.

[IAmFCA]

Day 3. Again, it seemed like two days since I counted day 2. I don't know why- Maybe that's how much life I'm living that I would normally have shared?

 

Read something recently about giving away my emotional support for free. I definitely was doing that. Am not doing it anymore, it will be tested the next time I fall for someone. He felt like my capstone project when I was with him. I didn't know why, then. I didn't know what my lesson was. Now I do.

[saluk]

Day 13

 

Dating. I don't know how I feel about it. Part of the problem is I am fairly certain I won't feel those sparks the same way that I felt them for Her. Certainly not as soon in the dating process as I had. I mean, we grew up together. We were already past all of the barriers that people can put between each other. When I am dating new people... the barriers are many. I am fairly guarded in general, but even moreso I think when it comes to opening up in this way. Maybe I'm just not ready. But after this long... I should be ready. Anyway, I was on a date for 4 hours and it wasn't terrible. So that's good? I inadvertantly saw a picture of Her on FB (someone elses share, and it was even mistagged as a different someone else) and stopped scrolling longer than I would like. So that's bad?

 

But I didn't click 'like'.

 

Tomorrow is another D-Day. 2 weeks of no-contact, and another chance to attempt not to run into her. I feel more ready than I have been.

[IAmFCA]

Day 4. I'm strong. Changing how I talk to myself.

[ConfusedManToo]

I haven't talked to my ex the entire month of July except for once.

 

She called me one day and I ignored it and then she called another day and I ignored it so she sent me a text saying she was just curious how I was doing. I f'd up and called her back and we talked for 20 minutes.

 

Other than that I haven't reached out to her.