THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Kaytie]

So glad you didn't contact him and that you have your best friend with you. It will be a good distraction.

[alr85]

Good for you trying2bstrong!! The control must feel good

[Kaytie]

So yeah. As I was warned, that high that I felt last night because I was angry and got *some* kind of closure faded fast. I woke up today feeling extremely low, then subsequently ended up trying to call her. This is after I specifically told myself last night that I was done. A good friend reminded me contact is like addiction: you get your fix and then get false hope or at least a temporary reprieve from the pain. I stupidly allowed myself to hope again today, just hours after I thought I was convinced I would never cave.

 

When I came to eNA four years ago I never caved once. Not once! And I lived with that partner then and was with her for 12 years! This was a three year relationship and we didn't live together - in fact, we only saw each other for half the week. So either it's because I am not as strong as I thought, or the coping skills I had in the past were better, OR I've just lost my mind entirely.

 

And this time I'm in therapy too (well I've only had two sessions so far) so it should be better. Why does it seem so much harder? Maybe my self-esteem is lower?

 

Either way, I've recommitted to no contact. She knows how I feel after sending that accidental email (!) and she doesn't deserve me anyway.

 

It's amazing how the fears can grip you in the darkness though. For me it's fears of being alone, of starting over, etc.

 

Maybe I will finally start a journal here.

[alr85]

Sorry this ended up so long!

 

Day 4- Didn't have a horrible day today. One of the better days in the past week. I didn't have any dreams (or nightmares) and I started my morning off by remembering this one time when my baby girl came stumbling into our room in the morning while my EX was getting ready for work. He told me that she had peed so I assumed he meant her diaper was wet. I then lifted her up into bed to snuggle me and he told me "What are you? Stupid?" Apparently he meant her clothes were wet. That was the way I got to start my day that day. I have a good stash of those stories that I need to remember to use when I'm sad-- times when he was so condescending and hateful. A partner is supposed to be your cheerleader but if anything his goal each day was to pull me down so I could be as miserable, depressed and hateful as him. I remember he always used to make snide comments because "work was stressful" He's a manager-- he's not shifting the tectonic plates of the earth each day...and yet each day he brought home so much stress that the environment in my home would instantly change when he walked through the door. He never cared to hear about my job as a teacher, or my stress. He never made an effort in general in any area of my life unless it involved beer. He never told me I was beautiful or I looked nice or he was lucky to be with me. By the time our relationship was over he had broken me down into feeling like I was fat, lazy, stupid, and a b*tch.. that was a common word used. He was always mad that I didn't watch football but when I tried to make an effort to understand what was happening he would sigh and act like I was so dumb and my effort was obnoxious to him. He actually got drunk one night when my best friend was in town and we were playing board games and he started yelling at me and embarassing me in front of her because I forgot to buy toilet paper. And then when I left the room because I was humiliated, he proceeded to tell her how lazy I am. She actually kicked him out for me but I let him move back in because he was just so full of apologies. I'm realizing more and more right now that I was the victim in a verbally abusive relationship and as his drinking progresses down the road and his frustration at his lack of fulfillment in life gets more apparent, he could very well become physically abusive. He rammed the dining room table into my thighs when he came home after a night of drinking one night after throwing a frozen pizza at my head. Then he proceeded to flip my table over and kick my storage ottoman over, breaking my sewing machine inside. What a sad man! Anyways, not contacting him today was easy. Usually after a good day like today, the next day is worse but we will see! We were headed down a very scary path. Thankful today for God's grace.

[trying2bestrng]

So I get woke up by my phone ringing and text message coming through and its my ex. So stupid me replies and he said he misses me and wishes for me and didn't realize how much he needs me and wants me to call him. So I said, give me a minute and I will call you. So I try and wake myself up all the way before calling him back. He sends me another message and said, its been a minute. So I call him. Turns out he broke up with his girlfriend and got beat up at the bar cause he was a drunken idiot. Great... now I wish I didn't call him. That man will never change. Too many nights I have been the one to clean him up after stuff like this. Im sure he will get back with his woman tomorrow and I will just be the fool that fell for his crap again..

[alr85]

Sounds like he needs a mother, not a girlfriend. I've been in that position before. I'm sorry he caught you off guard. I know if you were more awake and alert you would've had your wits about you. What did you say to him?

[JTP1994]

A month since I haven't text her drunk with the chance of reconciliation.

 

Not drinking for the foreseeable future to completely stop myself.

 

Wish I could block her number.

 

So annoying. It's just "Can we try again?" Leads to her saying "I'll think about it." And me just being upset about it all when I get the reply. All because I'm drunk. This ended May 13th of last year, and it's been all my own fault that I haven't kept myself to myself and let it all end and be buried.

[trying2bestrng]

Well, after he told me that him and his girlfriend broke up but all he could think about was me. My first thought was that he was just drunk and mad at her. He called her a few names and I said, you dont mean that and you two will get back together. He said he doesn't think so. After he told me he has done nothing but cry and feel lost without me I told him I have always missed him too. He said " ya right, you dont care" he was walking home and I offered to give him a ride and he declined and said he was almost home. He kept saying he misses me and I mean so much to him. Also that I am such a good person and felt better that he heard my voice.

 

These drunken conversations between us has happened many times in the past. After awhile they got really old.

 

Im sure divulged too much to him about my feelings. The last thing I wanted his him to know I've been hurting. He apologized for calling me and being a complete mess. I reminded him I did thesame thing to him a month ago. I never mentioned getting together or trying to reconcile. I knew better and figured it would be a waste of time since him and his woman wil probably make up. He sounded sad and hopeless. Mentioned he just wants to die already. I wanted to say, quit drinking so much and life might get better, but I didn't. Its not my place. He thanked me for calling him back and asked if I would call him today.

 

I dont think I will. I will continue to let him do the anitiating but i told him I cant be his friend and watch him move on at the same time.

 

Im curious to see what his face looks like. I could tell he has a fat lip by the way his voice sounded. Anyways, I cant decided if talking to him was a good idea or not at this point. Guess time will tell.

[korben]

Day 30. Now looking forward to day 60!

[alr85]

Day 5-- was hard like I anticipated. He went to a wedding last night that we were supposed to go to together and I ended up seeing pics he was tagged in on FB. Not sure whether he had a date or not but it hurt to see him smiling. Have to keep reminding myself that I deserve to have a provider and protector as a partner and he is not capable or mature enough to be either of those things. I deserve to receive the same amount of love I give and he is only a taker. He is emotionally damaged and an alcoholic and he chose his wreckless lifestyle over our family. That's how little we meant to him. I tried to read into everything he said and did to find clues that he loved us but if he loved us, I shouldn't have had to search so hard to find it. A friend reminded me today that love should be gentle and giving, not proud or selfish. What we had was not love. It was lust that faded into hate and resentment. Nothing more. Yuck-- today was rough. Thankfully my mom is flying in from out of state to spend 10 days here.. should be a good way to take my mind off of things.

[js0905]

Wow!!

 

Day 50 and well honestly now it is much easier for me. Still think of him at least once a day and even tear up a bit at times. The more that time passes, the more I realize how "Not good for me he was". So I think I get sad now not so much because he is gone but because my romantic fantasy of him and what we had is "shattered".

 

The things he said and how he said them (which made me feel so good at the time) when we first got together were just words. He knew how to use them and once he knew he had me then he slowly faded away.

 

Which means in reality none of it was true or real. It's hard for me to finally accept this...

[Kaytie]

I'm sorry the day was hard, but it's so good that you are trying your hardest to put things into perspective and remember why you deserve better! I am doing the same

 

Having your Mom near you will do wonders. I spent the day with my parents and it was a godsend to have something else to talk about, even mundane things!

[LatteLove]

1 month - I made it!!! things are getting better. I went on a date yesterday and I actually didn't think of you while I was with him. I'm feeling better and stronger.

[trying2bestrng]

He called me again several times yesterday. He was crying and a total mess. I just feel like he is using me as a crutch cause him and his lady broke up. He kept saying he missed me and hates his life without me and he cant help but cry everytime he hears my voice. He wants to see me when he gets back in town on Friday. I know doing the NC is what did it. As soon as I stopped chasing him and he realized I wasn't coming back he freaked. Im also sure he is stressed about his breakup. They may even get back together. If they dont I have a choice to make. Do I want to put myself through that again? Do i give up the man I have been seeing that treats me like gold and loves me very much? A part of me wants him back but he hasn't changed and I left him in hopes he would for the sake of our relationship.

 

It has been 1 year since I moved out and 8 months since we have been intimate.

 

Perhaps im in the wrong forum now. This is the no contact forum but by telling my story I can give hope and strength to those that want to get back with their EX with NC and how effective it can be. As you can tell, its never too late if you're in contact with your EX To start NC. 1 month ago he didnt want me back and was happy with his current girlfriend. Broke my heart and i have been a mess since. Tables are turned and now he is a mess.

 

Im still very much on guard with my feelings and his intentions. Not totally convinced im not just a crutch but it wont stop me from thinking about what I really want to do. Now I have a new set of problems and I wont make any rash decisions.

 

Good luck everyone and stay strong!!!

[alr85]

Thanks for the encouragment Kaytie-- I swear if I couldn't vent on this board, I would have contacted him a million times already trying to make sense of this situation. I know I've reached out a few times, but it would've been worse. Something about seeing my own thoughts in black and white in front of me keeps me from being able to deny them I hope your journey is getting a little easier. It's so so hard when there's a child involved because your heart breaks for you and for them. My daughter still mentions him daily, usually if she's upset about something else or tired. If I ask her to verbalize why she's upset, she'll say she misses ****. I don't always believe it's the reason she's crying but I can't deny that she too is grieving in her own way. That part of it makes me angry beyond belief-- at myself for not seeing his true colors before I invited him into our lives and angry at him for not being more gentle with the hearts that we'd entrusted him with. We deserve better and you deserve better!!

 

Day 6 was easier. Spring break is over so I went hours without thinking of him while I was teaching. I have hope. First time in a while I've had hope that I can overcome this. Also helps that my mom is coming

 

Trying2bstrong--- I have so many mixed emotions for you. I'm happy and nervous and excited and scared.. I'm sure that's the realm of emotions you're experiencing too. You know in your heart the right choice. No one here knows what's on your heart. I hope the end result is you being happy again You deserve it. Keep us updated!

[DreamySkies]

I ended up responding to my ex on Friday afternoon, over 48 hours after his initial text and call and over 24 hours after his email. I was consuming so much of my time thinking about it but I wanted to assure myself that I could live with the decision I made. Ultimately I reached out to him and told him that his email confused me and but that I would be open to talking to him about it. He responded immediately and asked to call then. I declined and asked that we speak later that evening after I had dropped my son off with his dad.

 

Shortly after I received messages from his mom concerning my health. I knew then that someone had been in contact with him that knew about my recent biospy results. I had severed all contact with any mutual friends, so this was confusing at first. I sent him a text message apologizing but I didn't feel speaking was no longer a good idea and that he had no right to share my life and health with other people.

 

He responded that whether I believed it or not that there were tons of people who were concerned about me and that while he hadn't asked that those people would be reaching out. I was livid. I went from feeling in control and strong enough to have the conversation I wanted to have with him. To feeling like a loose canon all over again. I ignored those texts and planned to ignore any further contact for my own sanity.

 

He ended up calling at exactly the scheduled time. I answered and we proceeded to speak for two hours. His email, his call, and his texts wasn't because he wanted to get back with me. He wrote me because he had received an email from my dad about my latest health. Even though I have asked my dad multiple times to not contact him and to respect my wishes. The first hour or so of the call wasn't good. I was left crying multiple times and just upset with everything. I expressed to him how none of those said "friends" reached out to me and for him to be involving them yet again in my personal life was unfair. He said that they just didn't know what to say or what to do. I called bull on that and said you don't just do or say nothing. I told him that they picked his side and that they are free to do so. Just as I am free to not allow any of them back into my life.

 

I apologized to him about things I did in our relationship, while not intentional, that with the space I had a better understanding. He admitted guilt for how messy the transition ended up being but confessed that his love for me never died. That it was the hope that we would work out did. So it was based off that, that he made the decision to leave the relationship. He once again offered to come over or do anything with me because he wanted to be there for me and help me. Yet not as my boyfriend or with the intentions of getting back together. I told him I wasn't interested in this and that it would cause me more hurt and sadness to entertain such a situation. He kept insisting and offering that when ever I needed something I could contact him etc etc. Again, I had to decline.

 

The whole time I was thinking to myself how he wasn't reaching out to me because he wanted me back or our relationship. He was only scared about my cancer and I'm assuming once again trying to settle his own guilt. He told that once he received the email from my dad, that he was sitting at work with his partners. He read it and he went numb and one of his business partners asked him what was wrong. He shared the email with them and they all were upset and that the shut down and left for the day.That he has since been reading and looking up clinical trials etc because he wanted to understand better what options I had and whatever. This would explain why I received a random text from one of the partners girlfriends asking to meet up next week. I ignored the text as she too is just a pile of bull. He went on to say that he never thought we'd never talk again but that we had to get to a healthy post relationship spot where we could try and be friends. He expected that to take more time/months, but that he was tired of being angry and upset over this.

 

We shifted to conversation to other things, his work, his family, the typical stuff we use to always talk about. For a moment it felt like old times. He told me about his weekend plans, his hobby is music so he was peforming at three different venues over the weekend for St. Patrick's Day. He told me about a convention he was going to this week in Vegas. In the past knowing he was doing something without me, that appeared like fun, would make me so upset and jealous. Instead all I could think about was better your liver than mine! He said he really appreciated me taking the time to talk and that he would like to reach out to me again once he returned from Vegas. (I didn't acknowledge this statement/request.) That if I needed anything to please not hesitate and that if I needed to talk to please reach out. I told him good luck and and take care in closing. He said bye and that he'll talk to me soon.

 

He sent me an email with links we had discussed about a new treatment option and signed it "yours", once more.

 

The next day having a night to think about the call and conversation I had one thing i wanted him to clarify. I had asked him on the phone if he ever had any hope that we'd get back together, once we broke up. His response was mixed in with a bunch of other questions so I didn't really understand. So I asked him again in response to his email the same question and he responded that his answer was no, he had no hope at the point of our breakup. "I have found something new to hope for, however, and that's for you finding a way to beat this cancer. There's nothing saying that I couldn't see us back together eventually if given the right circumstances, but that will take time. Thank you very uch for speaking with me last night, and I'm here if you want to talk again. Yours,"

 

I haven't wrote back and I don't have anything further to say to him. I don't need his hope, nor do I need him. I have been fine since the conversation/email exchange. I haven't cried about him. I haven't been sad. I haven't been mad. I've been exactly how I felt before he even reached out to me. I am hoping he does not reach out to me later this week upon returning from his trip. I think I made it clear on my part that I didn't wish for anything further from him. I'm not sure though if he is going to persist? He's already presisted more in this exchange than he ever has.

 

I won't lie, I had played with the scenario of allowing him to come back into my life to help me. Utilizing this time to show him how much I have changed in the past four months and the new things I have discovered about myself. Something I wanted so desperately only a few weeks prior to this. Just the chance to "show him". I don't believe I am strong enough to even make such a risk. I don't think I'm strong enough to see him in flesh, to give him the opportunity to help me even. Unfortunately I have to agree with him, we needed time and I still need mroe time. With this time my desire for us has withered away to only memories of the good times.

 

So, I don't regret responding. I don't regret my action. I think I have continued to handle myself very well in my responses and reactions. His last response came in on Saturday around noon. Before the breakup I would have held my phone and waited for the response and I would have fired something back within seconds. I haven't had any desire to say anything and I didn't watch my phone. I went shopping for bedding for MY bedroom It was nice not having to consider anothers opinion in the matter.

[js0905]

1 month - I made it!!! things are getting better. I went on a date yesterday and I actually didn't think of you while I was with him. I'm feeling better and stronger.

 

Congrats!!

 

Things do get better as you said.

 

Keep up the good work =)

[Kaytie]

DreamySkies - you are awesome!!! Good work maintaining your boundaries and staying strong.

[danman794]

Day 1, my first real love. I have checked her twitter and facebook often. She posted "its a new me" on twitter the day after which hurt (although its very likely she was faking bc I know it hurt her a lot too). She also deleted some stuff that was on her wall from when we were together. I saw that 3 days later and it didnt hurt too much (maybe because I also realize that she is looking at FB and thinking of me). I cant get her out of my own head and want her back. We were together 13 months and spent every day together except for school breaks and summer (we are both 19). Any encouragement would help. I think ill want to get her back in a few months but I am going insane and need to be able to think straight again.

[trying2bestrng]

Day 1

After yesterday I believe I was just a short fix for his bad weekend. He didn't call like he said he would. Im a fool, I should've stuck with NC. Its not easy, especially when he was so upset and crying. It sounded convincing. I was there for him when he needed "someone" to make him feel better about himself. He just took advantage of my feelings for him.

 

With that being said.. I was reminded in every way what a mess he is and he has not changed at all. Still a drunk with a ton of hatred for himself. He is never truly happy. He constantly finds the bad in every situation. Blames everyone else for his unhappiness. 8 months ago he was depressed cause he was he was laid off and not making any money. Now he is working and making money but hates it. Its always something with him. He is just a unhappy drunk. Im sure him and his girlfriend made up and he doesn't need me anymore. At one point when we spoke he called me is girlfriends name. I said " really? Did you just call me your girlfriends name?"

 

Yea, I cant do it. I cant be with such a selfish jerk. That poor girl he is with can have him. I wont do it again. I was blinded by the simple fact that he finally was showing signs he wanted me back but it is not so. Im done with him. I wont answer his call again. I refuse to be this pathetic woman that makes him feel better when he fights with his girlfriend. Lesson learned AGAIN! He knows I have a big heart and i care about him. He just took total advantage of me and its my fault for allowing him to.

 

I went on a dinner date last night with friends and the guy im seeing now. I was looking at him and realized...there is no way I could dump this man for my Ex anyways. I know I would regret it! I feel good when im with him and I love

[sadbutrue]

Day 74

When we discover some truths, it seems that everything else was a lie.

[trying2bestrng]

Continued... I love that women trip over themselves when he walk into a room..he is gorgeous. .. He doesn't even seem to notice or care.

 

Im a fool and it stops now! My ex is not worth all this heartache. Its my fault I allowed him to use me. I cant save him from himself... no one can. I am going to focus on my work and move forward. He is not worth it and I would be so unhappy if I took him back. He has not changed and never will!!

[alr85]

Trying-- I'm angry for you. We can share the anger together. His actions are selfish and cowardly and they seem to be indicative of the kind of person he is. I hate that you're feeling the way you are but you sound at peace in spite of it. I'm glad you have found someone to share your time with that appreciates you for the person you are. Now you can give yourself to him alone. Your ex is a disgrace.

[trying2bestrng]

He is a disgrace and a weak coward! I am almost embarrassed that I cared so much about him and spilled my guts all over this forum. All of the praying and hoping he would come back to me. What a joke!! I would be a bigger fool then him if I ever fall for his crap again. I am nothing but his victim and I refuse to be treated as such from a weak minded, selfish DRUNK Jerk! I thought about sending him a message telling him exactly how I feel but he doesn't deserve anymore of my precious time. I will not speak to him again and it WILL drive him crazy when he realizes I am gone and he cannot use/victimize me anymore. I am so angry at myself for putting him on a pedestal for so long. He never deserved it. He is a horrible person and I feel bad for his new girlfriend.

 

I will eventually forgive him... because I refuse to hold hatred in my heart for anyone but I will NEVER give him my tears or friendship again. He has abused that right and he will not get it back from me.

[JA0371]

Why don't you just change your number?? Sounds easier than dodging his drunken texts..