THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[trying2bestrng]

alr85, you are doing great. I have a feeling your ex is going to contact you. Then you will have to be strong. Men like him always come back. Even if its just to see where you are in the healing process. I know that now..

[trying2bestrng]

I am not going to start the countdown yet. I do however want to continue to express my feelings on here.

 

I really wish more people were consistent with their feelings each day. It really helps hearing other peoples journey, experiences and healing process. I believe it would help others more. I get that a lot of people don't want to talk about their day to day lives in detail, but the different ways we cope and heal matters more than you can imagine. When I find something I like to do, I get addicted. For instance, this forum. I know my story isn't very interesting but I hope what I say helps at least 1 person along the way. Even if it is just one tiny paragraph along the way.

 

My thought process probably sounds like I should be on the train to crazy town but I am not worried about being judged on here. I don't know anyone in person, so I feel free to say what I am actually thinking and feeling. My friends on the other hand DO NOT know my crazy thought patterns and emotional strain. Keeping it that way is the best right now.

 

I want to be able to come back to this forum one day and read everything over again and remember what I went through on a day to day basis.

 

I do not have any news to report today about my EX, other then he is always on my mind and I cant wait until he is no longer center of my thought patterns. It has been very stressful. I wish nobody else had this kind of hurt but on the hand, I am glad I am not alone.

[DreamySkies]

Thank you Alr85 and Trying...

 

I came close to texting him last night but thankfully I didn't. I had a few glasses of wine and I knew I was being very emotional. Before our contact resumed I would spend hours writing and thinking about how this reconnect would go down. I promised myself, and I swore to myself that if I could only get the chance, I would never take it fore granted. That I wouldn't get upset and angry and I would be patient. My response to him being unavailable to meet me last night, when I wanted it, really messed me up. I was falling back into my old ways of instant gratification and expecting him to do what I wanted, when I wanted it. That scares me. Because if it can come back that quickly how will I ever be able to control it if things did progress? From the very first day of our break up and as I journeyed through NC and the emotional nightmare of a breakup, I have never stopped believing that if there was any chance left, it would be one last chance and that I had to make sure I was in the very best place before I would do it. I don't want to regress to the fighting to the bickering and smothering. If he gets one whiff of the "old" me, I'm so afraid it'll push him away. I realize it's impossible for him or myself to expect myself to be perfect but I'm already feeling this "neediness" that I felt when we were together.

 

I'm questioning whether or not I've grown and changed as much as I thought I did? Or if I was just telling myself things to make myself feel better. The "love" and his "I hope" in his last two messages yesterday weigh heavily on my mind. How do I know that he's not giving me lip service. My counselor is adamant that he is doing this out of guilt. That this contact remains about him and what he wants and needs. Then I start thinking maybe I am painting the wrong picture of him? She has never met him, not once in the year I've been going to her. Maybe it's part of their job too, to naturally take your side? I don't know. I know the things I've experienced recently with other guys speaks volume about the differences and where I was compromising. Yet, on the same level there are things that I have yet to find in other people/men that my ex did have... I need to identify what I can truly live with and without.

 

I'm really sorry to airing this here. I don't exactly belong in NC anymore but I don't know where else to post either. I hope it doesn't make those of you in NC upset to see me griping about someone reaching out to me. I just truly don't know what is best right now and I truly believe I only have one chance at this if I want to be back with him. I greatly appreciate your patience and advice.

[trying2bestrng]

Dreamy,

Dont even think about not updating us on your journey. I would love to know what happens! I am happy you may get a second chance. Communication and patients is a must! Keep talking and sharing your experiences. Give us hope lady!

[js0905]

Day 15-- made it. Was so sure 2 weeks ago that he would have realized his mistake and contacted me again after believing I'd moved on. I was wrong. Maybe he is more emotionally stable than I thought and truly believed it when he said we have nothing in common and it didn't feel right anymore. I know for sure he was right, I'm just surprised he's strong enough to stand by his convictions. I guess that could mean he didn't love me as much as I thought he did and that's all the more reason I need to keep moving forward.

 

 

*Day 60*

 

I keep on coming back here after all of this time to see if I can say something helpful. These board has helped me immensely but it's time for me to go....LOL!!

 

Still will check on here on and off to see what is going on and if there are ever any developments. Last time he threw a "bread crumb" my way was 42 days ago.

 

Pretty sure that he is done now. Anyway I read this article about how guys seem to get over girls a lot faster and in a different way.

 

It doesn't mean they didn't love you or didn't care. I'm going to paste the article below because it made me feel better and maybe it will do the same for you.

 

The website it came from is "A New Mode" and the girl that wrote it is called Sabrina -

 

 

"I feel like lately I'm surrounded by breakups. Not me, but it seems that everyone around me is in the midst of the world's worst kind of pain, the pain that places a

firm grip on your heart and is merciless and unrelenting. We've all been there.

 

The one issue that seems to keep coming up is the fact that the guys seem to

have a much easier time of it. For instance, one of my friends just ran into her ex

who she broke up with about two months ago. She said he was nice enough and

pleasant, but he just seemed so fine and nonchalant.

 

Another friend went to her ex's place for the always excruciating exchanging of

the stuff left behind and was also frustrated and hurt by how not-hurt he seemed

to be. An another friend, who recently ended her engagement, can't understand

how the guy just seems so fine and so certain that they did the right thing, with no

longing and no regrets. After breaking things off they have had numerous

conversations and while she's still so broken and hurt, he seemed so solid and

sure.

 

One after the next they all come to me and ask: "How is it possible that he's so

OK? Is he a sociopath or something?"

 

I empathize enormously with all of them. I remember that feeling. When the love

of my life broke up with me it was the most brutal, emotionally-taxing day I had

ever experienced.

 

We cried and talked about how much we loved and appreciated each other, and

how sad we were that it just wasn't working. Even though I was devastated, there

was a comfort in knowing he was devastated too.

 

I saw him a week later (he promised to come over and install a printer for me)

and while I was expecting another sad, yet sweet, cry-fest with emotional

declarations of how much we really loved each other, he was all business. He

just seemed so fine, so okay with everything. I, on the other hand, had lost five

pounds because I was too nauseous to eat and couldn't stop crying long enough

to even swallow a bite of anything. But not him, he was just....fine.

 

I think that day was even worse than the breakup. I felt like what we had meant

nothing, I mean, how much could I have really meant to him if he could be so

okay after only a week! I tried to hash things out again, to talk about what went

wrong and why this break up really was the right thing. He didn't take to it,

though, and instead coldly said, "There really is no point in going over all this

again."

 

It was like a sucker punch right to the gut. There was a point to me! I needed to

hear it again, to see his pain to know he really cared and that this was hard for

him too! Granted, I don't see how that would have helped me move on in any

way, but it would have been nice to know I wasn't alone in this world of pain.

 

So what gives? Are guys these cold, callous, unfeeling monsters?

 

In a word, no.

 

Men and women process and experience relationships very differently. This goes

for the actual relationship as well as the end of it. Generally speaking, women are

more emotional and men are more practical. In this sense men have it easier

because logic and reason make a lot more sense than emotions do most of the

time.

 

Women typically need to feel their way through a process. If they feel

longing for a guy, it doesn't matter that they logically know he's not right for them,

they will find evidence to support what they're feeling and will have a harder time

letting go, believing that he really is the guy for them.

 

Men do experience profound pain and sadness after a breakup--trust me, I hear it

from my guy friends just as much as I hear it from my girl friends--however, men

typically take a much more logical approach. If they see a solid reason why a

relationship will never work, then that's it, they're done. It doesn't mean they don't

love the girl or care for her, they just know it would never work and there's no

point in obsessing over it.

 

It doesn't mean men never act on their emotions. The ex I told you

about who was all cold and distant the day he set up my printer

called me a month later begging to see me. This is why a lot of the time an ex will

come back into the picture. Sometimes emotions will be running so high that

you'll both abandon your better judgment and get back together, other times he'll

snap back into logical shape and will apologize for his moment of weakness and

promise not to do it again.

 

Another important difference between men and women is the way they deal with

stress and emotional issues. Women typically like to talk about it and hash things

out. They don't necessarily need a solution, the talking itself is therapeutic.

 

When men are feeling off balance, they will typically withdraw into their

metaphorical "man cave." They will put a guard up and retreat into their inner

world to work through what they need to. This is why men don't need to go over the

details of a breakup ad nauseam. If you run into an ex and he seems a bit cold

and distant, it's not because he doesn't care and never did, it's because he does

care but he knows there is no use in acting on those feelings anymore so he

guards himself and puts on a seemingly cold facade.

 

Another instance of men acting on logic and women on emotion is the fact that

women like getting assurance from a guy to know how he feels. That's why a

woman likes to hear a guy say he loves her. I mean, imagine if a guy said 'I love

you, and if that ever changes I'll let you know. But going forward just operate

under the belief that I do love you." No woman would ever be satisfied with that!

 

Women need to hear it because when they hear the words they experience the

emotions of being loved. It's not about knowing he loves her just to know, it's

about hearing it so she can feel it.

 

This is true in a relationship and the same thing can happen when a relationship

ends. You may logically know he loved you, but the moment you don't feel it

anymore you start to question it and need the assurance. And when a guy is

being cold and distant and not giving it to you, your irrationally assume it's

because he never cared.

 

For all those going through a breakup, my heart goes out to you. It is the hardest

thing in the world to go through, but there is a light at the end and you will

emerge even better and stronger. And no matter how he acts, remember that he

did care, his feelings were real, and move forward knowing that you had

something special that gave you what you needed at the time and are now free to

find something better that will give you more for the future."

[alr85]

Thanks JS-- That really makes a lot of sense. My ex describes that situation to a tee. He told me the night he moved out that he really cares about us both but we don't have anything in common. The contact that I have had with him has been very cold and abrupt. It's good to know that it's not because he hates me. When I called him out on the cold messages, he handled it very calmly and wasn't rude. He was just matter of fact-- which hurt more than no response at all. I'm sure he is hurting but not enough to have one of those moments of weakness. He's too stubborn for it.

 

Day 16- A girlfriend of his friend got in touch with me today. I asked about him-- I shouldn't have but I did. She said he fell of the radar around the same time I blocked him on fb. He was an avid fb user and he hasn't been on. He also hasn't hung out with any of them. Apparently he's at the bar every night, takes home bar food and goes to bed. Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. In my head, he's fallen off the radar because he has a girlfriend taking up most of his time. I know. I'm creating a fantasy. I still can't wrap my mind around this. I can't believe he's gone. I don't have a desire to talk to him. I know he doesn't want to hear from me. I miss so many things about him but ultimately, he wasn't good for me or my daughter. i've gotta suck it up, stop obsessing and move on. So hard. Blah-- 20 days will feel good I think. This is the longest I've made it.

[trying2bestrng]

Im feeling different about him today. It feels like im beating a dead horse. Maybe I'm just holding on because its familiar and I hate change. I anitiate contact yesterday and we sent a few joking texts back and forth. After we stopped I felt weird about it. Maybe I'm realizing that it's finally over and I need to let him move on.

I spoke to my Dad last night and he asked about the guy I am seeing and heard he was a really good guy from my sisters. My sisters told him that he can get drunk and doesn't act like a complete moron. He said that was nice to hear considering my ex couldn't manage to do that. My family loved my ex but knew he didn't deserve me. They have really taken a liking to my current guy. Ha! My sisters cant wait until summer when they can see him without a shirt. That is saying a lot cause they

critique the heck out of everyone I date. Always find the bad and let me know their opinions. I guess thats what sisters do.

 

I've been learning how to play drums. The guy im seeing now is a Rock Star at it. Very impressive. The first time I seen him play I almost couldn't contain my composer around him. Very sexy, I felt like a groupie. Haha. So he is teaching me the basics right now. I can actually play some what of a beat now.

 

After drum lessons he started talking pretty deep about his feelings for me and got a little choked up. It was very sweet. I started to feel guilty about being so obsessed about my ex when I am with this amazing guy already. I want to get to the point that I can express the same feelings back to him. He worships me and sees my value more then I do. I cant hurt this man... I would be crazy to let him go. Woman already throw themselves at him. He gets very irritated when that happens and doesn't put up with girls acting "stupid" to try and get his attention. I was never one of those girls. In fact when he first met me I was still living with my ex. He said when he first saw me he asked his friend who I was and how can he get a girl like me..He never stepped on my ex's toes but when he found out that we broke up he swooped in!

 

So why would I jeopardize something so great for a jerk that never appriciated me until I was gone? Nope I wont do it. Im staying right where I am.

[DreamySkies]

js0905 - I wish you the best and can't wait to "read" where your life takes you. I hope you're never back on this board for healing... only to share advice and support Thank you for posting the article too.

 

alr85 - I would trust what the friend's gf said over your ego right now. He's probably doing exactly that, and is trying to think and process what is next. Whether that be rekindling things or continuing on into a different adventure. I can't wait to read how you feel come day 21. You can do this. I'm joining you once more so we'll do it together.

 

Trying - The new guy definitely sounds like a keeper. As long as you are comfortable with the relationship then I say jump in and stop looking back. I don't know if you need some individual time to heal or not? Either way I wouldn't go back to your ex if it meant leaving who you have. I think you're on the right path and I think the best part is your family does care about him too. That always makes life easier... if anything for the holiday's alone!!! I'm happy you're starting to see more of the flaws and broken parts of the prior relationship and seeing the things to come with your new guy!!

 

I haven't responded to his texts. There is a great big part of me that wants to say to hell with all of this and just take maters into my own hands. Meaning, I meet up with him this weekend and I show him how awesome I am. Then slowly fuel the romance and slide right back into his arms. Then I have the reality of the matter and what I have been working the hardest on, and that is I cannot control anyone or any situation. I can only control myself. I'm sad and nervous but I am going back to NC. He's not ready to be my bf right now and he may never be for that matter. It'd be better for me to hire someone and pay them to help me at my worst than to have him help me and bring with it the wave of emotions. I'm upset that I have to do this, but I know ultimately it'll be for the best for right now. All I can focus on is right now.

 

Another reason I want to pull back is after some self reflection. I've been on enough dates the last few weeks to get a good feel about where I am in my healing. Of those two dates, two of the guys have stuck out to me. Oddly enough those two guys are the ones that seem hardly interested in me. The way this makes me feel is how I feel with my ex, unwanted and undesired. My thoughts wander to 'what is wrong with me' and 'what did I do wrong'... Until I can get to the point where not returning a text doesn't make me nervous and feeling down, I'm going back to focusing on myself. The past few weeks I have packed my weekends with dates and friends. This weekend I am not doing anything, or at least I am not initiating anything. If I am asked out by a friend/guy I'll go. I'm not going to put any effort into it. Instead I'm going to do projects with myself and my condo and just let everything be.

 

Some day my life won't hurt. I can't wait to get there. I know I am closer now than I was 4 months ago!

[msumma423]

Day 3 for me. Even though I miss her, a lot, I am starting to see her flaws more clearly now. I really did put her on a pedestal when she didn't deserve it. I am trying to move on and let go, but I'm having a hard time doing that. In the back of my mind, I hope she is starting to regret the break up. She walked away from me when I was at my best, I treated her so freaking well, I loved her the best I possibly could, and I did everything for her. I know this probably contributed for the loss of attraction, but at least she knows how much I care and how good I am for her. I have already made the decision that if and when she tries to come back, she is going to have to go through some of the same loss I felt. She is going to have to earn me back because I am worth it, I am worth fighting for. If she doesn't come back, her loss. She lost a great guy that loved her so much and did so much for her. I'm really not losing anything. Still, it's so hard because I miss her presence, her touch, her smell, everything. It felt so good to have her in my arms, looking into my eyes. I just wonder how she didn't feel the same intense feelings I felt. This sucks, that's all I know. But I also know that the best things aren't always easy. Either we get back together and are stronger than ever, or I find someone better than gives me what I deserve.

[FreelyPB]

Day 3 of NC

 

Yesterday was rough emotionally. I'm not sure if it was my negative feelings regarding this situation or that I was PMSing...it was probably a mixture of both. I made an appointment to see a psychologist on Monday. I've dealt with depression for many years and think now would be a great time to focus on my mental health. I owe that to myself and my future spouse.

 

I also spent sometime watching The Secret last night. I didn't realize how negative my thinking had become -- my negative thoughts are probably the root cause for my depressed mood lately and partly why my relationship didn't work. I decided that every time I post here I will post something I appreciated about my ex. I want to focus on the good and accept that he was in my life for a reason. He definitely taught me things and showed me things about myself. Just because the relationship is over I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water

 

So here goes, one thing I appreciated about my ex was that he is such a gentle spirit. Until him, I'd never met a man as gentle as he.

[InkedBrunette]

Day 1.

 

Our story: I broke up with him. It broke my heart to walk away. I knew he was lying.. and I wanted SO badly to believe his lies.

 

The day I broke up with him he told me he was never leaving me, I was the one for him, we were soulmates.... then he belittled me about how I raise my son when I asked if we were going to talk that night. Like we usually do. ...Instagram. He had photos of a 24 yo ex in his bedroom. Ready for St Paddys day. I lost it, he told me to take a xanax.

 

He said I was crazy, a psycho, a stalker - and then told me "I just smoked pot with my roommate and then went to bed". He's 58.

 

I want to believe his lies so badly... I find myself trying to break no contact but I cant. I changed my phone number, my email, blocked him on facebook, deleted my skype and created a new one - I went out of my way to be invisible... but its killing me.

 

I'm 31, he was 58. He cheated with a 24 yo and while I knew he was cheating and the red flags were always there that he was not right in the head... I refused to accept them.

Now, beause I apparently have no self worth LOL I find myself wanting to go back to him. I want to say yes, love me. Lie to me... and I dont know why. Im just insane in the brain I guess

[msumma423]

Ok so its Day 4. It is truly amazing how some time apart can really change the way you think of somebody. While I was in contact with her, I saw her in this way where she was perfect, so amazing, and could do no wrong, even if she did make a mistake. Now that I have had just 4 days apart, I am starting to see her as she truly is, a liar, cheater, manipulator, and a user. She took me for granted after the break up and thought I would always love her and be there no matter what. It is finally becoming clear to me that she is not the one for me. The one for me wouldn't lie to me or f*** someone else. I am 99.99999% sure I would never take her back in the future. It would literally take a miracle. She would have to be on her knees promising me on her families life that she would never cheat on me again, lie to me, or treat me the way she did. I would have to believe it 100% that she's a completely different person, and theres no way that will happen. I have finally accepted the fact that the relationship is over, and I am done hoping that we will get back together one day. Honestly, I don't even like who she is. She is the definition of selfish and immature. Yeah she's super hot, but thats got nothing to do with the word relationship. ITS OVER, DONE, and now i can finally move on with my life, knowing that there is someone out there that will value me, appreciate me, and love me. It really is her loss. She lost an amazing, caring, loving, smart, sensitive, successful guy and that was committed to loving her forever. What did I lose? A liar, cheater, manipulator, user, emotional abuser. HAH! This really was a blessing in disguise, its just so hard to see that right away. I am so excited for what lies ahead. I am excited to improve my life in so many ways, and prepare myself for meeting the girl that is right for me. Wanting what you can't have is a very real thing. That is the ONLY reason I wanted her, well that and the amazing sex. But I digress. For anyone going through a breakup and missing their ex, THEY DONT DESERVE YOU. If they don't want you, theres no reason to want them.

 

Even after the lying and cheating, I gave forgave my ex and gave her so many chances to become a better person that deserved me. She shat on those chances. Well its her life and if she wants to experience massive regret for letting me go, have fun with that. SHE WILL feel regret one day. She walked away from the perfect guy for her and was too ignorant to realize it. Thats fine. I understand now that this happened because my higher power is showing me that she isn't the one. All I can do is have faith in that and move forward with my life.

[alr85]

Today is day 18. Not sure why but I woke up in so much emotional pain today. I've been overly exhausted from not sleeping so that could be the cause I suppose. I'm seconds away from crying. Is this the depression stage? I'm getting no joy from life this is so painful. I miss him more than ever. Our mutual friend made a status about him last night. I guess he had a great night bowling. I'm imaging his silly salsa victorious dance. I'm in so much pain.

 

Dreamy- your resolve is admirable. I'm glad you're able to be strong enough to wait. Keep listening to your heart.

 

Trying This new guy sounds awesome. So glad you've chosen to stay by his side. Your ex never deserved the love you had to offer.

[trying2bestrng]

alr85,

 

Breaks my heart when I hear you are not doing good. You need to get out there and have people posting happy pics of you as well!! The ultimate revenge is to be or at least appear to be happy. He will take notice. I did not have that option with my EX. He hates Facebook and is scared of the internet in general. I un-friended his friends long ago. I did not want him to see what I was doing and vise versa. You on the other hand may benefit from this. He needs to see that you're happy as well. Hang in there girlie!

[trying2bestrng]

One year ago today I moved out of his house.

 

I remember that day perfectly. I was a complete wreck. My anxiety was through the roof. I made the mistake by letting my sister give me some medication to calm me down. It was awful! I felt like climbing the walls and couldn't sleep for 2 days!! Aderal or something like that. I could have killed her.

 

I was packing my things into a big trailer my boss lent me. My Ex was gone most the day, giving me space to get everything packed up. He eventually came home and I expected him to be drunk. He wasn't...he stood in the kitchen and said " you don't have to move out you know. We can work this out"

 

After the events of the previous night I had no choice. The fight was terrible. I went totally U F C on him. Kicking and punching him as hard as I could. If I had a gun I would have shot him. I was looking around for any kind of heavy object. A baseball bat would've been ideal. Im only 5 2. But I came unleashed until I couldn't catch my breath anymore. He pinned me to the ground and said " we are over". I said " f*** yes we are!!

 

I moved out and started all over again. I didn't have much money and it was more of a smash and grab when I left. I left many of my things behind. My mom helped me buy a few things to get started. I didn't even have a bed. I slowly got back on my feet and was so relieved I didn't have to deal with his drunken nights anymore. It felt great!!!

 

My ex got more and more depressed as I became less and less a part of his life. I felt bad he was hurting and did what I could to comfort him. That was a bad idea! He needed to feel the loss without me helping him. I was truly over our relationship. So I thought.

 

When I started dating my current guy, I had no intentions on having a relationship. He was going to be a summer fling and that was it. I was a complete wreck and he rode all the emotional waves with me. He stuck it out and fought every step of the way when I tried to end it. I tried to end it at least 10 x. Nope he wouldn't go. I love this man. He is the one for me.

 

With that being said my Ex called me last night ,after the bars closed of course. He left a message and was crying and drunk (again). I put my phone on silent after his "call me maybe" ringtone started up. Haha. I'm so glad it didn't wake up my boyfriend (he stayed the night) I did not want to explain that to him.

 

Today he sent me a text saying sorry for the voice mail and good morning. Against my better judgment I called him. We spoke for 45 minutes and of course I laughed a lot. We both did. That's what we always do.

 

This is so hard. I wish I could combine these 2 men (minus the drunkenness). They both have traits that I love and do not love... I just need to stay strong and remember how awful it was to be with him. Sometimes the good overrides the bad. I would be a FOOL to go back. My heart hurts today. I feel incomplete

 

I hate this!!!!!!

[FreelyPB]

Day 4 of NC

 

It's only been 4 days but it seems as if it's been weeks. I searched the internet for love stories that moved me...I printed them out and taped them to my wall. I did this to remind myself that if love happened for them then it can also happen for me.

 

What I appreciated about him...his height. He's the tallest guy I've ever dated. I think I'm attracted to taller men now.

[alr85]

Today is day 19-- My daughter has dance class on Saturday mornings and it's my favorite day of the week. We are fortunate enough to live in a state with beautiful weather and it's so nice to get out and feel the warm sun on my face. Moments when I'm out of the house, I feel clear and unburdened. As soon as I get home though, I'm surrounded by his memory. I've rearranged furniture, gotten rid of every reminder and yet his presence is still here. Still hang onto hope that he's coming back down the road-- I'm living in a fantasy land.

[littlebird]

Day 9 of NC. Almost 3 months since the BU.

 

I'm lying on a beautiful beach miles away from home. I thought I could run away, that the change of scene would help at least a little bit. But I can't stop thinking about him, and today is particularly difficult. I thought it would get better with time, but it only gets worse. I am still in love with him and I really miss him.

 

I put a lot of effort to improve myself and the quality of my life since the BU. And on paper my life is pretty awesome. It just makes me sad I can't share it with him.

 

I'm gona have to see him anyways when I'm back as we work in the same office. I don't have to work with him directly but it is still difficult to see him. Although I suppose in terms of getting someone back, as is the topic of this forum, this is sort of an advantage if used wisely (he can witness my improved looks, hear about my promotion, etc etc).

 

Anyone else had a situation with having to see their ex at work? If so, I'd appreciate some tips!

[trying2bestrng]

He called me Friday and pleaded for me to stop by for a minute on my lunch. So I did..I was so nervous, my heart was racing. I haven't seen him for a couple months. When I walked into his house he was standing in the kitchen. No shirt on and still in his sweats. He emmidiatly started crying. He said " why did you wear your perfume?" I laughed and gave him a hug. I said "Im always wearing my perfume"

 

He buried his face in my neck and cried. I handed him a paper towel to wipe his face. He straightened up and I got a good look at him. He was drunk... he apologized for being a mess. He was a mess!!! So sad, I couldn't help but compare him to the guy I am seeing now. They are so different and I found myself wanting to run away fast and never look back. He was so skinny and I asked him if he ever eats. He said rarely.

 

We talked and he asked me about the guy I am seeing and wondered if he would beat him up if he knew I was there. I said, yes he probably would.

 

He said " I want to marry you, you are my lady, is that possible?"

 

I said " you need to get yourself together, I am not going to come back to you when you are still the same guy before we broke up. I need a strong man to take care of me. Show me you can be that man".

 

I suddenly regretted saying that. I already have a strong man.

 

I stayed and talked to him for another hour. He was crying most the time. I felt sorry for him. I was glad I stopped by so I could see for myself that he is even worse then I remembered him.

 

I know we will never get back together. I dont think I need to start a countdown again. He made me realize what I deserve. I am stronger then I thought. I know my self worth and I deserve more then he can offer me.

 

I am sad today. Not because I miss him (for once) but because the man I once loved is no where to be found.

 

I will always have a love for him but I am no longer in love with him. I will however always be in love with the man he was 4 years ago. That man is gone...

[alr85]

Today is day 20-- I would like to say it feels a hundred times better than day 1 but it doesn't. It feels the same, if not worse. Time keeps passing but my heart is still stuck in the past. My friends are annoyed with me at this point so I've just stopped talking about it. I know they all think I need to just "get over it." It seems so easy for it to just roll off their tongues. I'm not sure what else to do to get out of this funk. I've booked our schedule solid. Between dance classes and swim lessons, we are only home 2 nights a week. It feels like this sadness is going to swallow me whole if I don't tread carefully. How can I be so very aware of all of the ways he is wrong for me and we are bad for each other and yet still ache and long for him? My heart is aching. When will it stop? When will I feel whole again?

 

 

Trying-- I read your situation and it sounds so much like mine. I think I expected that losing my daughter and I would make him mend his ways, stop drinking, become more mature and responsible. In reality, he is drinking more now than ever I hear. I think I'm imagining that if we end up back together, it would be 100 times better because he will have realized what he lost. In reality, our break up has caused him to have to deal with emotions and feeling emotions makes him drink more. His alcoholism is an illness and it's cyclical. I'm glad you escaped. Grieve the loss of the man you knew years ago and treat it like a death, because it really is I'm no expert but I think it's ok to feel sad over this. You're just now getting to the part where you realize it's really over and he's really gone. I think I'm at that point now and with it comes a nasty depression in my case

[muskrats21]

My story: We fell madly in love. She was in a relationship of 4 years which ended 7 months ago. We've always had a "thing" for eachother. Known her for 20 years. We've both been divorced. Both in another serious relationship after. And then both single. Our timing was perfect. So we went out on a date and it just went CRAZY from there. Head over heals about eachother. Everything you would ever want in a relationship! I could elaborate, but I've told my story in a few threads. The short version is... it was like nothing we've ever experienced before. Love like no other. THAT kind of love.

 

After 7 months and him finding out she was happy and serious again, he decided to walk back in her life and tell her he wants her back. She is conflicted and tells me about it. After a week of pleading and begging and selling myself, I joined here. I threw everything but the kitchen sink at her trying to make her wake up. I firmly believe it's simply because he doesn't want her with anyone. Why wouldn't he have this revelation when he was with her or when she was single? But anyway.... She wanted "time" and "space" to figure out what the feeling was. She loves me I know that. And never really officially broke up. She just said she has to sort her feelings out. Which to me meant wants to explore something with Ex. I told her i'm not sitting on the sideline in some sort of half assed competition while she decides if she wants me or not. That should already be answered. So that's how it was left. I have no clue what she has done since then in regards to her Ex ( I presume established contact again).

 

So... yes I accept the challenge.

 

It is day 4 for me of not making contact to her. She did send me a text 2 days ago telling me she hasn't stopped thinking about me and hopes I'm well. Not sure what that counts towards but I didn't reply. Some juvenile back and forth FB posts about relationship kind of quotes obviously for the other to see. I since deleted the ones I put up. Was kind of still trying to get my point accross indirectly I guess. So it's really been 2 full days of absolutely nothing I guess. To be honest, feel horrific!!!! Just miss her so much. Weekends were our time together. Thought of her making arrangements with her EX makes me want to puke. Thought of if she is even thinking about us or not disturbs me too! But I will not bend or give in as bad as I want to. So... I'm in I guess. I will post here daily

[alr85]

I'm posting here because I want to message him. I can't wrap my head around how much I'm hurting and how he's living his life like it's normal. How my heart feels like it's barely pumping and he's doing fine. It feels so unfair. I keep telling myself that if I'm hurting this bad, he must be hurting too.

[trying2bestrng]

Alr85,

I bet he is no happier than you. Especially if he is drinking more than ever. Stay on track with nc. Its better for you and your daughter. We dont want these drunk jerks. They are bad for us and wont change. Please stay strong!

[sadbutrue]

Day 87

I'm feeling like a veteran

[alr85]

It was close "Trying." I typed in his number and then the text I wanted to send (Hey stranger-- Hope you're doing well. You crossed my mind today. Just wanted to say hi) and right before I hit send, I had the familiar overwhelming feeling of anxiety knowing that it would either be ignored or responded to with one word. He's still not ready to hear from me. I feel it in my stomach.. and I'm still not ready to deal with the rejection.