littlebird

You are an idiot. Good luck.

I am angry with you. I'm annoyed with you. You choose to walk away rather than deal with problems. Problems that could have easily been overcome. And then you walk around getting drunk, not sleeping, and crying your eyes out because you are so upset. For months. When we could have just worked it out. You are an idiot. There is no other explanation.

Day 9. Yesterday was very tough, but feeling better today. The truth is, this relationship was never going to work out, the guy has a serious problem with his priorities. He would say things, but his actions were not supporting them. He is full of issues. I frequently felt let down. Perhaps I really dodged the bullet here. Going to see a counsellor today, haven't been since March. Hopefully this will help.

Day 8. He is really gone. And perhaps it's for the best. It's very hard to accept that someone you loved was not right for you and that the relationship you put your heart in meant less to them than to you. When I think about the problems and the fights we had - they could have been resolved if we were both willing to make an effort. He decided not to bother, he chose to walk away. That is not love.

Day 7. Went out last night, it was fun but the thoughts of my ex literally never leave me. Today was just walking to a shop in the morning and was suddenly hit by this overwhelming feeling of missing my ex. While I have fun with other people, and yeah I find other guys attractive, I just remember this amazing connection that we had, this feeling of closeness. When he would just hold me in his arms and everything felt right, like the world could fall apart and I'd be fine as long as he's holding me like that. How happy we both were. Obviously this memory is from the stage of our relationship where everything was good between us, not the last two months where things went wrong. And I know he misses that too. But to him it's clearly not enough. And it hurts so so much to realise that he was willing to throw it away, that he didn't want to work things out in the end. I really believed that once the dust settled we could have rekindled what we had. But I was wrong, so wrong.

Day 6. Woke up early this morning and then spent 5 hours crying, I'm not kidding. A waste of time, I have a lot to do. But i just can't help it. I want the pain to go away Letting go of hope and accepting he's moving on is very tough.

You never asked why I felt unhappy towards the end. No wonder. You treated me like I didn't matter, I felt so so lonely. Lads, drinks, and drugs was way more important. You said you wanted to settle down and tone down partying, you suggested to live together. Even when you promised to spend a Saturday night with me, you'd suggest to buy drugs. And you dare tell me I was "sometimes too much fun". You were ALWAYS too much fun. I tried to keep up. I loved you, I was so blind I couldn't see another way to make you happy. We were both acting stupid and after looking back I thought that going through this ordeal would teach us a lesson. I certainly learned. That's what I meant when I said "it had to happen". But you don't seem to have understood. You think that I'm some kind of monster, that out of the blue I "became a different person". You didn't see any fault in your actions, you just blamed me for the fact you were upset. You broke my heart into a million pieces and just carried on living the life that ruined us. I was heartbroken after what happened to us, I perhaps didn't express it enough when we spoke last but I have had nightmares every night to this day.

Got a new reconciliation story, unfortunately don't have many details. Was speaking to a colleague of mine today, she recently got engaged. To my surprise, she told me that they actually split up last year. They were together for about 6 years, broke up (don't know if mutual or not) and were apart for 6 months. They still saw each other sometimes as they had a lot of mutual friends, but generally led separate lives. Then after 6 months he told her that he still had a trip abroad booked (from when they were still together), said he was still keen to go and asked if she'd like to come too. She was unsure at first but agreed to the trip, and they've been back together since and got engaged on another holiday last month. If I find out more details, I'll post here She also said that being apart for some time was actually good for them as they've been together for so long since they were quite young. She also said that it is important to let go of the past and forgive the other person for some of the mistakes they might have made.

Day 5. Felt weepy this morning. Yesterday was wallowing in misery, so today listening to some cheesy pop music to cheer myself up. Lots of work today so keeping busy. I need to meet some new guys to remind me that there are decent men out there. Just so busy as studying for an exam now, can't really go out that much

Day 4. Feel like death. All of the bad memories are hitting me like a truck, almost passed out on the tube today. Oh God, please can I feel better again...

Day 3. I've had enough. He will regret letting me go one day. For now, I just can't be bothered anymore. He's an immature idiot and I deserve better.

I really wish you would get out of my head so that I could focus on my work! Please. I really, really need to get a lot of work done. I am going insane today. I know you are struggling to forget me. I wish you would just let go of the past and admit we still have feelings for each other. But no, you are hell bent on convincing yourself we were not to be. Even though it hurts you. If that's the route you choose, good luck. Because I will continue to make it very very hard for you to get over me. By being beautiful, and sweet, and successful, happy with who I am and how I live. By being me.

Day 7. Dreams were disturbing last night, however the day was alright! Went out for some drinks last night, met quite a few new people who were all really interesting company. Flirted with one of the guys, he got my number and texted me today to meet up next week. Also two blasts from the past have been texting non stop, wanting to meet. A male friend is taking me out for dinner next week, we're just friends but he loves inviting me places, we always have a great time! Got quite a lot done today, a bit of work and also house chores. Cooked a lovely meal. Need to send off a CV now, been recommended by a friend for a potential new opportunity. Then sit back with a glass of wine and a good magazine to catch up on current affairs. Seriously, with this whole break up story I have had trouble following what goes on in the world - time to get out of the bloody bunker haha!! To be honest, this break up has done a world of good to me. Don't get me wrong, I still feel incredibly heartbroken. However, I also feel more like myself every day.

Day 6 I am back. I first started NC about 5 weeks ago. He messaged me 2 weeks in, I ignored it. He then tried again a few days later, I responded. We exchanged a few messages in the following week, then I casually invited him to meet to catch up. He at first said he "wasn't ready to meet up as friends" but then we ended up meeting anyways. Very emotional meeting, we got some things off our chests. He was crying - I've only seen this guy cry on three occasions: when we were breaking up (he made a decision after a bad fight), when we had "the break up talk" a few days later, and during this last meeting. Neither of us brought up getting back together, although he said things like "We had many good times, it meant a lot to me, it's so difficult". And I said things like "We had it all, how could we f**k this up". Exchanged texts that night. Bumped into each other at work next day and had a casual chat. Day after he was messaging me with cute pics of animals and links to songs, so I sent some links as well and we were chatting like in good old times. So a few days later I send him a short text, just asking about his weekend. He took a DAY to reply. The response was fine, but he didn't ask any questions back and the fact that it took him a day to reply to a simple message didn't particularly make me want to continue texting. In fact, that's exactly why I started NC the first time round - I texted something simple and he only responded the next day, but I knew he was on whats app and seen the text. It's not even a "friendzone" since neither of us are really ready to be friends. So if we are not back together and not friends, I guess more NC is in order. I have been thinking about him a lot in the past week, ranging from nostalgia and imagining how happy we could be if we resolved our issues and got back together, to dark thoughts about futility of it all and how he's never going to change his mind. I was also tempted to contact him, coming up with all sorts of potential texts: casual text, happy clappy text, revealing my feelings text, etc, etc. And then I asked myself - am i prepared for ANY response, even one I don't want to hear? Will I get upset if he doesn't respond? Will I regret it if I pushed too much? The answers to all of these were "Yes". So NC it is.

I had that too, particularly in the beginning. Just when you catch yourself feeling happy, you get scared. I think it's coz you then imagine that's how they feel without you. You are afraid that if you let her go in your head, she will let go too. Of course it doesn't work this way, but hey minds are often irrational.

It is really too early for LC for you Alex. If you message and he doesn't reply, it will only reinforce the feeling of rejection. Let him live a life without you, and give him an opportunity to realise what he is missing. If you have to do LC, then "How are you" is not going to achieve anything. I'd suggest go NC for a few weeks, and then try to reach out if you still want to - but come up with something interesting. Either something that shows that you not sitting around moping but instead leading an interesting life (e.g. a picture of a nice landscape coz you're traveled somewhere beautiful, or a funny sign you saw somewhere - if it's funny it will make him laugh regardless, and provoke a positive emotion towards you), you get my gist. But you have to feel more confident and happy first My thoughts are with you my friend, you can do it!!

15 days of NC today. I am back from hols looking fresh, heard from my friends that my ex has been partying/drinking hard, looks crap, and has been asking/talking about me. Of course it's still difficult for me, and he's on my mind a lot, but I am getting to the point where I am kicking him off the pedestal and putting myself first. If you read my post from a few days ago, another ex from 8 years ago texted me recently after seeing a cool pic of me on FB. I replied, and we've been texting back and forth, he's being very flirty, bringing up memories from the past, saying he misses me and wants to see me. Funny that I am not interested in him, but it's good banter. I wonder how long it will take for the most recent ex to get in touch. NC is definitely great though, helps to detach yourself. I managed to avoid him at work as well. AlienQueen - keep NC. He has to give you more than a few compliments and a promise to be in touch I had it with my most recent ex, he would tell me how great I look, let's meet to chat, etc. and then go cold, then start sending me cute pictures of animals, then ignore me, then talk again. Blah. All of this was messing with my head. Does he care? Does he not care? He could be confused as well! He told you he was finding it hard, of course after a long relationship even the dumper hurts, but this hurt is often not enough to get them to come back. Sometimes it is what prevents them to come back. NC allows both parties time to heal and get their heads straight, and then you can think more clearly, feel stronger, and either go on without them or try and give it another shot with all the confidence you gain Keep up being busy, yoga and driving lessons sound great! Trust me, living an interesting and fulfilling life will make you feel so much more confident which will 1)help you move on, 2)may make your ex regret his decision, 3)will attract new guys.

Exactly 3 months since the BU, 12 days of NC. On a holiday, flying back home today. Yesterday posted a cool pic of myself on the beach with a cocktail etc. Got loads of positive comments from friends, nothing from the recent ex. However guess what, another ex bf who broke my heart 8 years ago sent me a text within an hour of me posting the pic, telling me what a great photo and how stunning I look. Not that I care now but quite funny, got some ex action, just the wrong ex!! This ex who texted actually did come back, back in the day, after about 5 months, but it didn't work out. One thing is, he came back when I improved my looks, made new friends and started dating someone else. Funny how these things work. Focusing on yourself and living life to the full is the only way. If they don't come back you will move on in the end! *Off to get a mojito*

Day 9 of NC. Almost 3 months since the BU. I'm lying on a beautiful beach miles away from home. I thought I could run away, that the change of scene would help at least a little bit. But I can't stop thinking about him, and today is particularly difficult. I thought it would get better with time, but it only gets worse. I am still in love with him and I really miss him. I put a lot of effort to improve myself and the quality of my life since the BU. And on paper my life is pretty awesome. It just makes me sad I can't share it with him. I'm gona have to see him anyways when I'm back as we work in the same office. I don't have to work with him directly but it is still difficult to see him. Although I suppose in terms of getting someone back, as is the topic of this forum, this is sort of an advantage if used wisely (he can witness my improved looks, hear about my promotion, etc etc). Anyone else had a situation with having to see their ex at work? If so, I'd appreciate some tips!

I have a few stories of my own too. This will be long When I was 16 I started dating this guy from school. In the beginning he was chasing me like crazy and we were together for about 1.5 years. I broke up with him as I felt he didn't appreciate me enough and didn't make enough effort. In fact, it's been going on for some time and after a particularly crappy Valentine's Day date I broke up with him the next day. He pretty much went NC for a couple of months. At first I was very happy to be single again and was sure I made the right decision. After a couple of months I started wondering what he was up to and missing him a little bit. So I messaged him on MSN (popular back then) and we agreed to meet up. When we met, we had a good time, he told me how much he missed me and we got back together. Then after a couple of months I got accepted to go to university abroad and I knew I'd be leaving in a few months for good so broke it off again. He was devastated. He then went abroad for a summer job, we started missing each other and calling each other again. He stayed on in that country which was neighbouring country to where I moved to for uni. We kept in touch and I kept asking him to come and visit but he kept postponing it. I thought he was not making enough effort and then I met someone else and ended things with that ex for good. So here comes the next story. The guy I met at uni - we dated for 8 months. We were joined at the hip and spent way too much time together. We both were quite jealous which caused a few fights, and he dumped me saying he did not feel the same way anymore. I was devastated: I cried and begged, we ended up sleeping together but then I found out he was messaging other girls at the same time. I went to my home country for summer vacation. I spent all summer crying over him but at the same time worked on myself: lost loads of weight through going to the gym, died my hair completely different colour, got new clothes and make up etc. Came back to uni and made loads of new friends, was going out and posting stuff on facebook. Found out ex started dating our mutual friend during the summer and was still with her. By now I was feeling happy without him, and started seeing another guy but nothing serious. So fast-forward a couple of months (about 5 months since the break up), and ex finds an excuse to text me about something and then asks if I want to go for a drink. I say sure, went to meet him with no expectations to get back together. We have a great time, he sees how great my life is and ends up telling me that I am so awesome and he never stopped loving me etc. We slept together the same night, then started seeing each other a bit. Being young, I jumped into it full on and started demanding more commitment. He broke things off with the other girl but was not ready to be officially in a relationship with me. I pushed, and he said no, and left me heartbroken again. I went into depression, and during that time one guy-friend of mine has been very supportive and then confessed he really liked me. I said I can't be with you coz I'm still not over my ex. The guy was very upset but accepted my response. We stayed friends but then hooked up a few of times over a few months, and he was always there for me, we spent loads of time together etc. 7 months after he first confessed his feelings for me I realised how great he's been to me and started developing feelings for him. We got together and our relationship lasted over 4 years. We had our ups and downs of course. In the end I felt there was not enough commitment from him (after 4 years I wanted to live together and he said he wasn't ready) and he started behaving selfishly, not taking my opinion or wishes into account. We had a fight and didn't talk for 5-6 weeks, after which time he texted me and we agreed to meet up. I met with him and he wanted to get back together. I said I don't see the future for us, so perhaps we should stay apart. He was extremely upset, and so was I. After speaking to my family, I called him the same day and said let's give it another shot. We then stayed together for about 6 months but things didn't really change and I now was sure that he was not the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life. I broke up with him, he thought we should stay together but accepted my decision. We went NC for a month or so and then texted and went to an event we bought tickets for before we broke up. I could tell he still had feelings for me but I was over him. After that more NC, and then we both started new relationships around the same time. He is still with his new girlfriend. My most recent boyfriend and I broke up almost 3 months ago after 14 month relationship which brought me to this forum. So in every long-term relationship I had (apart from the most recent one) the dumper came back (twice I myself was the dumper, once I was the dumpee so can see it from both perspectives). In the first two situations I was probably too young to really analyse the break up and compatibility with those guys. With the 4 year relationship we tried to discuss our issues and work on them, but in the end we were not meant for each other. After the most recent break up, I went through a much more thorough thought process and can see a possible reconciliation with my ex, but it depends on whether he'd also be interested to reconcile and willing to change some things. I am giving it a bit more time as I'm not ready to have that discussion yet, need more time to heal and move on so that if he's not interested I don't feel ruined again. We don't hate each other and talk sometimes, but nothing about the relationship. Need to become stronger for the next step.

I know of this couple who have been together for about 5 years (both were in their twenties) and then broke up as the girl wanted to focus on studying and went to do a masters program abroad. The guy was telling her before that she should stay, and wanted to move in together etc. but she made her decision and left. It was not an LDR, they broke up. He started seeing someone else after a while for about 6 months, even introduced the new girl to his parents, but couldn't really forget his ex-girlfriend. So about a year after the break up the girl finished her course and returned to their home country. They got back together (I don't know the details of the process unfortunately, but the guy's Mum said both of them have changed and matured during the breakup). Within a year of reconciliation they got married and now also had a baby.

11 weeks since the break up. 5th day of NC. Was in LC for the first 4 weeks for practical matters (we were moving out of our shared apartment). Then started texting and talking a bit. We work in the same office so sometimes bump into each other. Last week even went for lunch (my initiative, he was happy to meet) - no talk about relationship or BU, just catch up about friends/family/work etc. Last interaction was my text 6 days ago (nothing too personal) to which I received a friendly response. Since the break up I have improved my life tremendously. I'm looking better than ever, doing sports (even signed up with personal trainer recently), taking care of myself, partying less, got a promotion at work, studying for a professional qualification exam, attending interesting exhibitions, spending time with friends and making new friends, etc. etc. At first I started making improvements in a hope that he will see how great I am and come back into my life. Then, when he didn't seem bothered I had a feeling it was all in vain ("No matter what I do, he still doesn't want me"). Until finally I found myself in a place where I am happy with who I am and what I am doing with my life, I am proud of the progress I made, and it doesn't matter what he thinks about it as I KNOW I AM DOING THE RIGHT THINGS FOR ME. We were both living an unhealthy lifestyle and personally I never want to live like that again. He on the other hand is not looking great and seems to have been partying/drinking even harder since we broke up. If that is what makes him happy, there isn't much I can do. I also attended counselling sessions which helped a lot - I would highly recommend it to anyone going through a heartbreak. Not only it will help you with the immediate stress of the break up, but you can also explore personality traits and events in the past that might have affected you and how you behave in a relationship. I am going on holiday in a few days, which will help me keep up the NC and obviously remove the opportunity to see him at work. I won't keep NC forever, just until I finally healed and don't feel like my insides are in knots when I talk to him. I think the key thing is to be happy with yourself, and not NEED the other person. Only then you can feel whole and have a healthy relationship, whether it's with your ex or a new person.