THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[jeepman41]

lol.. ok, I see your point. And Brits and Aussies share a plethora of slang words. Apparently British slang is a particular favourite accross the pond but what really cracks me up is hearing Americans using it.. "w*nker, git, tosser, b*llocks" etc. Incredibly funny.

 

What the heck are bollocks and then I heard chicken bollocks in some movie? What's up with that? A cigarette is a fag? A mum is not a flower? A bonnet isn't something you wear on your head? What is cheeky?

 

 

 

ok, ok, I give in, lol!!! jeepman, you're a character... and a sweetie. Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

 

You might as well give in because although you may be upset about how your relationships turned out I'm not going to let you lament over it. We won't let these other people here let those exes get them down either. Don't you feel a lot better since we've been exchanging messages here? Does it appear like I'm flirting with you? It's not an appearance. It's another form of communication between the sexes.

[destiny0791]

What the heck are bollocks and then I heard chicken bollocks in some movie? What's up with that? A cigarette is a fag? A mum is not a flower? A bonnet isn't something you wear on your head? What is cheeky?

 

haha... ok, we're definitely sliding off topic here but in answer to your questions (some of which you probably know the answer to already but I'll do it anyway, just for poops and giggles):

 

bollocks = literal meaning is testicles, but it can also be an exclamation of annoyance, ie, "ah, bollocks!"

cigarette is indeed 'fag'... I was in a gay chatroom a while ago and innocently mentioned I wanted a 'fag' and was booted out. Much mirth ensued. lol.

mum is indeed mother, or 'mom'...

bonnet can be a hat but it is also a car 'bonnet'... what's the equivalent term in the US? I know the 'boot' is the 'trunk'...? Ah, I know. The 'hood', right?

Cheeky = impudent, insolent.

 

Hope that helps.

 

You might as well give in because although you may be upset about how your relationships turned out I'm not going to let you lament over it. We won't let these other people here let those exes get them down either. Don't you feel a lot better since we've been exchanging messages here? Does it appear like I'm flirting with you? It's not an appearance. It's another form of communication between the sexes.

 

I've never been one to pass up the opportunity for a little harmless flirting. It's fun! And something tells me we've experienced precious little of that between us in the past few weeks. I would imagine it's the same for the others here. You flirt away, pal.

 

By the way, how is NC going for you so far? How are you feeling these days?

[jeepman41]

I've never been one to pass up the opportunity for a little harmless flirting. It's fun! And something tells me we've experienced precious little of that between us in the past few weeks. I would imagine it's the same for the others here. You flirt away, pal.

 

By the way, how is NC going for you so far? How are you feeling these days?

 

 

Yeah I know we kind of got off topic there but it's all in good taste.

 

Tomorrow will mark week nine of NC with my ex. I didn't think I would make it this long but I have a strong resolve. I never did tell you the whole story behind that.

 

We had broken up in October. I was the dumpee. I felt it was coming and I was doing everything to try and prevent it. We talked some after but not on a regular basis but never talked about getting together. We agreed that maybe we rushed it and didn't get to learn the other person as an individual before we became so intimate. I went NC for almost 4 weeks

 

The Friday after Thanksgiving last year, she sent me a text at work and wanted to know if I was ever going to speak to her again. I replied short and curt and she misconstrued it as anger. I thought we ended the conversation on a positive note.

 

We reconnected again around Christmas by text and began to talk on almost a regular basis. We were able to talk about our past relationship, something we could do before. Every time I would mention it, she would go silent. We were able to talk about the good and the bad. I never came out and asked her about getting back together but I alluded to it several times in conversation.

 

We agreed that we needed to bury the past and start fresh. Her question then was "Where does that leave us?" I said we should go back to the beginning and start over. We continued to talk on almost a daily basis. I felt we were making progress. We continued to talk until March of this year.

 

Then on March 23 I received a text message as I was starting my work day. We exchanged our daily greetings and then the next message was "I have been super busy and not alone much but I have to tell you I am interested in someone else." Then she said "I know you and I are just friends but I have to tell you this in case you planned for more." I was blindsided. I never saw it coming. I was rejected in one sentence and subsequently kicked to the curb in the next.

 

I held it together and texted her back to let her know I was disappointed but I wasn't upset or angry which surprised her. I was boiling inside and about to blow my top but I never let her know. So all the while she was talking to me she another relationship going and claimed they were just friends but the relationship was changing. She messaged me and said "Last week it seemed like more." I'm not sure what was meant by that statement. I continued to actively pursue her on an irregular basis until April of this year when I realized everything I was doing was wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG.

 

Her description of this person sounds like someone who has the classic "Nice Guy Syndrome". She sent me an email that read something to the effect of " And I think if I wasn't involved with someone else maybe you and I would have a shot. But I AM and this person is a very, very nice guy and very sensitive. And he loves me a lot. If I was to breakup with him to re-take up with you it would crush him. I just can't do that. He treats me like a princess and makes me feel good about myself.

 

I don't know what the future holds but I think you should move on. There is no sense waiting around to see what happens to me."

 

I honestly wasn't interested in waiting around for her as I had already made up my mind to move on. I felt she treated me badly by not being forthcoming with info about this other guy. But I told her what goes around comes around. I backed away from her and went complete NC and I have never looked in the rear view mirror.

[destiny0791]

jeepman, thanks for telling me your story... and OUCH. This sounds an awful lot like what I went through with *Paul*. I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. Jesus, it smarts, eh? *Paul* told me the same thing about his gf, when I told him I wanted him to dump her. "I can't do that". They don't want to crush them, but they're willing to crush us... so that tells us where their true feelings and loyalties lie, and it hurts like hell, doesn't it? It hurts even more when you find out how you've been blatantly lied to. But I think you're fortunate that in the end she told you to move on (even though you had decided to anyway, you're clearly pretty strong-willed yourself)... I'm ashamed to say I still harbour some hope in my heart, even though I know rationally that there is none, although it's slowly dissipating, thank heaven... because he told me that he loved me, missed me, needed me, wanted me to stay so desperately... but as 'friends' (oh, how I hate that word now. Friends are wonderful but in the context of a relationship gone sour, it's the ugliest word in the English language). I wouldn't have wasted all those weeks afterwards trying to hold on, but essentially allowing him to use me and enjoy having his cake and eating it too, the greedy swine. I would have been able to let him go more easily. You seem to be bearing up well and moving on... it's wonderful to see.

 

For what it's worth, I think you're an erudite, intelligent, compassionate and very interesting man and it's her loss. And no, not flirting this time lol... just stating my honest opinion.

[CMS]

Destiny, it must have really sucked to have that happen to you, and its OK to have a little bit of hope because we are not human if we do not have hope, just do not let that hope drive you into doing something you will regret, but you are a strong girl so I do not have to worry about that. In my situation, it has been 11 weeks of NC, I made up my mind to move on about 1.5 months ago and even though I still do have a sliver of hope (to be really honest with myself), but that hope is fading slowly but surely and we are only getting stronger from this ordeal. You are right, acceptance is THE key! so keep on keeping on.

[jeepman41]

I know you ARE flirting, destiny0791. You are just the shy type type. But continue with the compliments. I love having my ego stroked by a sexy UK woman whom I've never met but I know she would make a great friend.

 

Yeah what's up with that "I can't do that. It will crush him"? I don't understand that either. She also made the naive comment, "I don't want to hurt anyone else." Anybody who gets into a relationship understands that there is ALWAYS a chance than you might get hurt. If you don't you are not emotionally mature. And any fool knows relationships are not based on logic, They are based on feelings and sexual attraction.

 

Destiny, sweetheart I am strong willed. But I still do harbor feelings for *Marian*. I used to call her by the pet name "Baby Girl" and she absolutely loved it. Do I wish that we could get back together? Back in March it would have been a definite yes. But being in NC has caused my feelings to shift from longing to more like apathy with a warm feeling for her. Being with her was like being on a drug. I woke up in the morning thinking of her, I thought about her throughout the day and we used text messaging to communicate, and she was the last thing on my mind before going to bed.

 

She said that we were physically compatible the whole time we were together. She said no man had touched her physically the way I did. And yes that "let's be friends" is a slap in the face. Why would you want to be friends with someone who just ripped you heart out of your chest, threw it on the ground and stomped on it? I can't imagine why any sane person would settle for that and that's what you are doing. Getting a demotion in the romance department. No thank you. I'll just get me a big old dose of NC and pick up the pieces. Nothing can fix a broken heart but time and space and you never know how much you need until you get away from the source of your pain.

 

I wonder to myself if she came back would I allow her to get back in my life. You always wonder when you are the victim of unrequited love. That's the only kind of love that lasts the longest. You keep wondering about coulda, woulda, shoulda and driving yourself insane. And your former partner has a new love interest. They say that once your former flame passes the "honeymoon phase" of their new relationship they become vulnerable to outside influence. But now you view this person in a whole new light. Do you still want them back after say 2-3 months down the road or maybe even longer?

 

I'd have to say of all the compliments I've gotten over the years, I've never been called erudite. Sigh...dem UK womens, dey jis got a way with words dat make an ol' American country boy wanna swoon. Lawd have Mercy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You silver-tongued fox!!

[destiny0791]

Destiny, it must have really sucked to have that happen to you, and its OK to have a little bit of hope because we are not human if we do not have hope, just do not let that hope drive you into doing something you will regret, but you are a strong girl so I do not have to worry about that. In my situation, it has been 11 weeks of NC, I made up my mind to move on about 1.5 months ago and even though I still do have a sliver of hope (to be really honest with myself), but that hope is fading slowly but surely and we are only getting stronger from this ordeal. You are right, acceptance is THE key! so keep on keeping on.

 

cmswifty, thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement, they mean so much. I haven't always been this strong... but when I started NC (for the umpteenth and FINAL time) I knew that there was no hell I could suffer being without him that could possibly compare to how I felt sitting on the sidelines, waiting for his new relationship to implode while instead it went from strength to strength... and why? Because he had me to listen to his problems so she didn't have to. Because being there for him, willing to accept his crumbs boosted his ego and he took all that positive energy to her. But you're so right... we're human, and looking back right now, I'm not hard on myself for it. It is indeed human nature to want to cling on to something you care for and have come to rely on, and to hope for its return. But no matter how I'm feeling, hell will freeze over before he hears from me again.

 

11 weeks NC, that's fabulous! You are doing so well. The time during NC passes so damn slowly, which makes it that much harder. Can I ask you, has your ex contacted you at all during that time?

[Laylan]

73 days NC and i'm starting to hate him. Is this normal?

 

My ex broke up with me because i wanted a future together and he wasn't sure what he wanted.

[CMS]

She texted me and wishing me a happy birthday in mid of May and to which I replied "thank you" and thats all the interaction we had. So I guess I am lucky in the sense that she respect me enough to let me heal in peace, for that I am grateful. All I know now is, that chapter of my life is over but I am excited to see how the new chapters are going to unfold.

[jeepman41]

73 days NC and i'm starting to hate him. Is this normal?

 

My ex broke up with me because i wanted a future together and he wasn't sure what he wanted.

 

 

You will go through a whole gamut of emotions while you are doing NC. It is normal to experience hate, doubt, anger, frustration. You can wake up feeling one way and in a few hours time feel completely different. Just stay strong and resist the urge to make contact.

[jeepman41]

Destiny I once read an article that alluded to exactly what you are experiencing. It said that if you are the person who got dumped and you remain friends with the ex they will develop an emotional attachment to their new partner because you stay in the picture and give them support. It happens that way more times than not.

[Laylan]

Thanks Jeepman41,

Making contact i will not do. Knowing that he didn't want me makes it easy to stay away, it just doesn't help as far as my emotions go. I just wish for it all to go away!!

[destiny0791]

@ jeepman

 

Awww.. busted!! I thought I was hiding it so well, too. Can't fool you, hehe.

 

Telling us they don't want to finish their new relationship because they don't want to hurt that person is a cop out, they just don't want to feel like the bad guy. It's like they're saying, "I would be with you, but he/she loves me and I'm a nice person so I don't want to break his/her heart". Bull. They are with that person because they want to be. If they really wanted to be with us, they would be, nothing would stand in their way. I asked him, "do you love her?" "Probably not... but I like her. She's cute". Of course he loves her. He was willing to lose me over her, and still is. When I told him for the final time that I was leaving and not coming back, he said, "I hope you change your mind". Maybe he's still hoping, I don't know. But he ain't getting.

 

Sweetie, I was exactly the same with *Paul*, and still am. I still think of him constantly. But I will say this... a few weeks ago I would awake every morning and immediately be hit with that terrible sinking feeling, that sense of panic that he's gone, and a wave of despair would wash over me. Now, that feeling is gone. I don't exactly leap out of bed singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" and backflip into the bathroom, but it's an improvement nevertheless. I have to admit that despite my initial doubts, NC really does work. Boy, does it.

 

Don't you hate it when they say things like that though? How much you turn them on, how important you are to them, how you're the only person who can make them happy... oh, the lies he told to me too. "I love you so", "I'm yours, I've always been yours, always will be yours".... arghhhhh! I could never do that, no matter how much I wanted to avoid hurting someone. If only they knew the devastation it causes when the truth comes out, which it inevitably does. When I think of that, I could kneecap him. But most of the time I'm like you, I just look back fondly on the good times and treasure the memories. We did have some good times. If it was all bad, we wouldn't have any feelings for them at all.

 

As for taking him back... part of me says yes, part of me says no. I think the longer I go with NC the more the "no" is likely to win out, although I highly doubt it will come to that anyway. They only come back if the relationship was good, and while we did have our good times, we also had a lot of problems... many, many petty, stupid arguments, many times he annoyed the crap out of me and I screwed up and allowed my anger to take over, and over-reacted. We were incendiary, in more ways than one, lol. And you're absolutely right... it is like a drug, and doing NC is literally going through withdrawal. I quit smoking 5 years ago (started again 9 months ago, stupid me) I LOVED my fags and that was nothing compared to this.

 

Praise where it's due... and finally, speaking as a UK woman... you're awright, me ol' china. Cam dahn to Blighty so I can take yer aht to the local battlecruiser and we can get well Brahms and List, it'll be a roit bubble barf! (decipher that one if you can... lol).

[destiny0791]

She texted me and wishing me a happy birthday in mid of May and to which I replied "thank you" and thats all the interaction we had. So I guess I am lucky in the sense that she respect me enough to let me heal in peace, for that I am grateful. All I know now is, that chapter of my life is over but I am excited to see how the new chapters are going to unfold.

 

That's good, that she respected you enough to let you heal. And nice of her to remember your birthday. I didn't trust my ex enough not to contact me so I changed my number (I did let him know... not out of spite, purely so he would understand it was what I needed to do in order to move on). I wished him well, it was my last message to him, and that was 24 days ago. Cutting him out of my life was definitely the only option, and absolutely the right thing to do.

 

You have a wonderful attitude though, you're looking forward, not back, and you have hope for the future. Good things can only happen to you from now on. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. You're well on your way!

[jeepman41]

Praise where it's due... and finally, speaking as a UK woman... you're awright, me ol' china. Cam dahn to Blighty so I can take yer aht to the local battlecruiser and we can get well Brahms and List, it'll be a roit bubble barf! (decipher that one if you can... lol).

 

Well, it would take a while but I could decipher it but you might as well be speaking Chinese. I haven't got a clue but I could break it down eventually.

 

Yes, if your ex wanted to be with you they would. Some people go from romance to romance seeking that high you experience during the honeymoon phase. I noticed in the email she sent, she stated he loved her but she liked him. I found that to be and odd coincidence but she "liked" him enough to maintain a relationship with him. That was back in April when she made that announcement to me. When I finally had the courage to implement NC and stick with it I started feeling better. I broke it a couple of times and it was always back to square one. I was met with "I am involved with someone else now" or "There is someone else involved now." I remember asking her was she happy and she said "Yes". I told her I was happy if she had truly found happiness. They say your love is unconditional for someone if you can wish them to be happy even if they are with someone else.

 

I don't know how their relationship is going nor do I care. Every day my resolve gets stronger for doing NC to maintain my sanity. Sometimes it feels like you might be going crazy because of all the emotions. I never knew the power of NC until I went into my 4th week. I counted the days as they turned into weeks and the weeks became months. My last conversation with her was way back in April. No exchanges during May and none so far during June. The last message I received from her was asking for forgiveness. I chose not to reply.

 

Most breakup sites recommend doing NC for 30 days and then trying to reconnect. Other advocates recommend going at least 60-90 days. At the end of 90 days, I'm sure I will feel a lot better. I'm wondering if she contacts me, will I respond? Right now it's about 50-50 either way.

[destiny0791]

ok, first things first... most of it's cockney rhyming slang and written in the cockney accent (so to speak), so I'll help you out there. lol.

 

"you're all right (a good person), my old mate (china = china plate = mate). Come down to Britain so I can take you out to the local pub (battlecruiser = boozer = pub) and we can get very pissed (Brahms and List = pissed = drunk), it'll be a right laugh (bubble bath (pronounced 'barf' = laugh).

 

Part of me is happy if he's happy... part of me isn't. That's natural, I guess. We'd all rather our exes were happier with us, let's face it lol. But for a short while I couldn't blame him for what he did... LDRs are difficult, you need regular physical intimacy with your partner in order for your relationship to survive. She's there, she's local, I'm not. We argued like cat and dog. Who's to say that if I had met someone local, I wouldn't have done the same thing? I like to think not, but I don't know for sure. But the fact remains that he betrayed me, he let her come between us, so I can't stick around any more. He might be happy for her to be in his life, but she damn sure ain't gonna be in mine. So I'm gone, for good.

 

I really don't think you can put a time limit on NC. 30 days might be fine for some people, but not nearly enough time for others. And there's no obligation to reconnect with your ex. They threw us away, so why should we come back for them, no matter how much time has elapsed? I'm not advocating cutting them out of your life forever, if it's not what you want. But I've come to realise it's the right thing for me, as painful as it is. The more I think about it, the more I realise I couldn't trust him again and I don't want to risk re-experiencing that dreadful pain. I think sometimes we can fool ourselves into believing we've moved on emotionally when in actual fact it's far from the truth. I've decided it's best to be safe and leave him in the past, where he belongs. As for you, sweetie... I would recommend you wait until the 90 days is up, and then see how you feel. If you're sure you no longer have feelings for her and want to re-connect, go for it. If not, that's fine too. The most important person here is YOU.

[hpinky]

Day 4 continued

 

The feeling of missing you is high today. My urge to call you is high. I do understand that I can't so I won't allow myself to. I keep thinking about whether or not you are thinking of me. We shared four years together, you have to be thinking of me right? I hate days like this. I wish I could just stop missing you.

[bebop]

Day 4 continued

 

The feeling of missing you is high today. My urge to call you is high. I do understand that I can't so I won't allow myself to. I keep thinking about whether or not you are thinking of me. We shared four years together, you have to be thinking of me right? I hate days like this. I wish I could just stop missing you.

 

Feel like that today, keep looking at photos posted from the weekend still no tag on the photos of them together. Shouldn't be looking but I am!!! must push through?!!

[Melting]

Arggggggggggggggh back to Day 1 *sigh*

[jeepman41]

Day 4 continued

 

The feeling of missing you is high today. My urge to call you is high. I do understand that I can't so I won't allow myself to. I keep thinking about whether or not you are thinking of me. We shared four years together, you have to be thinking of me right? I hate days like this. I wish I could just stop missing you.

 

 

Only four days into NC you will still be experiencing some powerful emotions. I know as I have been there. The urge to call or text or email is very persistent. It will gnaw at you but you must remain strong. IT WILL GET BETTER!! Focus on how much better you will begin to feel.

[CMS]

Wow I was completely off on my interpretation on that line, lol. You are right, the only important person here is you. I firmly believe that we are going to become stronger and more confident from this experience, surely this journey sucked, but whatever can't kill you will only make you stronger. We will emerge from this ordeal triumphant.

[hpinky]

Bebop I feel your pain!! I just wish I could get off this rollercoaster of emotions.

 

Thank you jeepman for your encouraging words. I really hope it gets better. It's so hard!!

[NVT]

Day 6...

 

Today was rough. I feel like everything I've known these past two years has just disappeared. I feel like ghosts are real, except they're alive and still able to think and feel. I see your "ghost" everywhere. Every room in my house reminds me of a memory to do with you. As I walk through the house, I can almost see the past versions of ourselves... cuddled by the fireplace in the winter, kissing on that couch, laughing by the window... Are you haunted by my ghost too? You surely must be, I can think of hundreds of reminders of me in your every day routine. Today was horrible. I almost caved and contacted you but I can't face your cold words anymore.

[destiny0791]

Wow I was completely off on my interpretation on that line, lol. You are right, the only important person here is you. I firmly believe that we are going to become stronger and more confident from this experience, surely this journey sucked, but whatever can't kill you will only make you stronger. We will emerge from this ordeal triumphant.

 

Indeed we will, cmswifty. I thank God I found this forum, and you lovely people... it's helped me more than you can possibly imagine. I feel like a new woman already!

 

Day 25

 

Wow. Can't believe I've come this far. 5 more days till the first hurdle. Then I'm going for 60, then 90... onward and upward!

[Rosesiren]

Day 1

 

7 Years of relationship...

He doesnt want to get married...

I have not much time left... Parents are pressurising me and i cant say "No" to them and cant say "Yes" either... May be 3 months is all i got...

He loves me but says he loves his freedom more and it will be dreadful for him being a married man... He asked me to move on..

Tried 10 days of NC but lost it when he messaged me 2 days back asking me "How i was feeling", but he is still strong with his decision.. He definitely has an upper hand.. Lets see if it works for me...