THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[vertigoxo]

Day 171

 

Yet another day completed. Sigh.

[Anon333]

Day 3....

So today was better than day one and two....Last night I kind of had an epiphany....I really started to remember the things that turned me off to him and made me doubt even being with him when I was.....Here are a few...Some of it is shallow and mean, but it is helping me get over this and I cant help it if they are things that bug me.......

 

I hated that he smoked cigarettes...And I dont think I want to be with someone who smokes

I hate how the cigarettes mixed with the coffee all day made him smell and taste...total turn off

He would sometimes smoke right before bed and not brush his teeth or wash his hands

 

Besides that there were a ton of personality things about him that totally turned me off....

 

I hated how he swore and tried to act macho and cool around his friends.

I hated the weird hawaain beads he wore around his neck every day all the time....Sooooo cheesey

I hated how he would wear ugly mirror aviator sunglasses even indoors

Hated how cool he thought he was sometimes even though he wasnt

Hated how he didnt read books or never could stay awake through movies

Hated how since I quit drinking he still struggles with his drinking even after having pancreatitis, and even admitted he was an alcoholic

Hated the music his band played...was not into it at all

Was not too into how super skinny he was

He didnt have that great of a sense of humor or personality

Hate how he cannot be single and needs to have someone, thus the new girl right away...and I was actually not long after another serious relationship he was in..He told me himself that he is that type of person that will seek out someone right away because he is happier in a partnership

Hate how easily he gave up on me

 

I could write a list of good things about him...But many of these things often weighed heavy on my mind...I can say now I dont think in the long run I would have been truly happy with him...The sadness right now is the loss of him and all the memories, the fact that he walked away from me (possibly I have abandonment issues), the fact he is with another girl, and the fact that I did want to keep trying, maybe out of fear of where I am right now...But Since I am in this position and a breakup was going to be innevitable at some point, I better just keep with it and not contact him.

 

Here is a strange point to add though...The more I become calmer in my emotions and rational, and realize even though he dumped me, I really wasnt thrilled about him in the first place, the more I wonder if he will call or contact me....I know the sudden switch in my head to uncontrollable desperate emotions and wanting him back, to feeling more understanding and calm about it, is just part of the process.....Perhaps Ill be a wreck tomorrow...

 

The hardest part about it is him not being in my life, so obviously im not over it.....I almost wanted to contact him to say I understand why you left and it is okay I just still want you in my life to share things....But I know its not okay.....I know if I saw him with the other girl I would fall to pieces....but I know I found something to stick with and keep in mind.....

 

I dont understand why, despite the fact I had all these doubts about him when we were together and didnt think he was right for long term husband/father, why do I want him back so bad?

 

All in all day three was the first day I got my mind off things and only cried a handfull of times opposed to all night and day....Its weird that part of me just wants to heal and move on so that I can see him again....I know it doesnt sound right and I shouldnt think that way though...

[bitebenot]

Wow ! Doing a lot better already ! You see,we tend to only think of the good parts of the relationship after a break-up and forget the darker side.Its very good that you came up with this feedback on your own,it will help you to move on way faster.You still will have to deal with the ups and down but you know how to resolve them now.So in a way, it was better for this disruption to happen now instead of 5 years later with a child on your lap ! Others will learn from your conclusion," excellent " ! Now be proud of your achievements in such a short period ! Happyness aint far away.

[kvb10]

3 weeks complete... in the past 7 days I have had more good moments than bad moments. Things are definitely getting better.

 

One thing I do notice is that if I have a down moment, it's still pretty hard... like, the down times are not getting better or easier, they are just happening less often, which is good.

[jaygirl]

I just broke NC. I am sad. i dunno, i am sad. I wish i didnt. Ex said hi and i replied hi, and then it started from there. he started telling me about how his week had gone. it was like text bomb. He kept on saying he had been going to eat at the place 'we' loved to eat, and how he went to see the agent that 'we' both liked and all that. he ranted on (the text was like ten texts long. We didnt mention the relationship. it was just formal talk. he told me about work and how the past week has been very very hard for him, how he got broke, and all that.

 

I dont know, i am in a confused state right now. i dont know what to do. i am just confused.

[jaygirl]

What do i do? ignore him the next time he sends mean IM, should i ignore it like nothing happened before, or should i tell him again that i want to go NC?

[bitebenot]

What do i do? ignore him the next time he sends mean IM, should i ignore it like nothing happened before, or should i tell him again that i want to go NC?

 

Go NC and dont tell him anything at all.Desappear from him ! As you can see,communicating with the ex is never good unless they crawl back !

Dont feel bad,emotions are sometimes so strong that we cant help ourselves.Just learn from your mistakes and dont repeat them.Hang on,you can do it ! Dont forget,the flesh is weak but so is the mind sometimes.

[bitebenot]

Wisdom...

G.Bernard Shaw stated " We are made wise not by the recollection of our past,but by the responsability for our future !

/Take responsability for your own future because no one else can be held responsible for improving your life.It is yours and nothing will change unless you take the lead !

/Develop a clear vision of your future.Eliminate vague wishes and have specific goals.Remember you cant manifest what you cant see.

/Take action,be bold and create your destiny with your own hands.You might read books and listen to others,but nothing will change until you react.

 

I guess we all need this to overcome a broken heart.

[Loxxt]

Anon, looking at your post kind of makes me depressed... with my ex.

 

The problems with my ex seemed to be in terms of being responsible and selfless. I loved his personality (at least 95% of it

 

I know this is cliche but he'd rarely help me with the housework unless I asked.

Same with cooking, dishes, and OMG laundry? Yah right! It made me feel like his mother sometimes. He'd usually leave the car on empty, so i filled it. He only filled it if we were going on trips or somewhere accross town. The list goes on. In fact I made one. I got well over 30 points!

 

Today I'm back to day one. I sent him a text today in reply to one he sent 4 days ago.

 

Just to clear the air this was our last conversation on feb 17 (after almost a month of NC):

 

Me: "There is a bunch of mail for you in my mailbox. Please pick it up and fwd your mail asap. You are not welcome here so don't drag this on any longer. I wish you the best. Goodbye."

 

Him: "Hello. I understand. I am sorry. My problems aren't yours. I was waiting for funds to forward my mail. I appreciate your patience. I'm on the way to forward mail. I can't explain for truly sorry I am I shut you out when we should have fought through. I wish you the best. Bye."

 

FFD to today and I finally wrote him back (with a lot of my reply being mooched from a post I found on this site, hehe)

 

Me: "Hi. Sorry for the delay in replying I've been really busy. I don't know why you'd say that but if you want to discuss us trying again then it might be something I would consider discussing. If that's not your intention then it's probably best for both of us if we leave things the way they are. I'm doing really well and think that seeing you just for the sake of seeing you might be a step in the wrong direction. Only you can make right the wrongs you've done. Take care."

 

Wow.... as I was writing this, he answered me.

 

This is his response...

"Hey xxxx. I'm glad to hear things are doing well for you. Of course its on my mind as to weather we could have a better second go. And god knows you are an amazing person to spend time with. However, I agree with what you said, I wouldn't want to ruin this "cooldown" time. I said what I said to make peace with how I feel (I'm not sure what he's specifically referring to here. He was always flip flopping whenever we spoke in person and I had deleted all txt messages between us awhile ago.). I want you to know I've filed an application for the xxxx program with the canadian forces last week. If you're interested in knowing more you can ask me or look it up. It's really cool. Anyways. I'll hopefully be leaving for training this april. So in the meantime I thought you and I deserve a chance to talk as friends before I leave. Even if we could reconnect. I wouldn't want it to be now. I have a long career ahead that would be great to have your support first and foremost. Well. Sorry for the long text. Had to figure out before I said anything. Have a good night."

 

I'm lost again..... I guess part of me is happy because he will be away from his gf... ugh I hate saying that. It makes me feel like the "other woman" even though she is. I know him and I have a longer history (at that point it'll be 4 yrs VS 4 months) and since she won't be with him, their relationship will have the same elements as the one we'd have.

 

I hate how kind he acts. He's again trying to keep me as that friend, that crutch. How do I say no??? Should I say no? If I do I'm afraid he'll just walk away.

[bitebenot]

LOXXT...heres my opinion..take it or leave it..ill be honest and to the point !

You are digging your own grave here ! Deeper and deeper you go ! He wont walk away from you,he'll walk over you ! Nothing will work until you learn to let him go ! The fact that hes going away for a while doesnt mean he will get over his new gf or dump her ! He might just as well forget you instead of her !

Why should he stress ? Hes got two women clinging to him ! The way its going now the novelty will win over you and she will thank you for it !

From now on im sure you know what to do ! Now you are back to square one !

Get rid of the monky on your back and let go of him ! He knows how desperate you are and he will use it to his own advantage !

[Anon333]

Day 4

Need to keep this up writing every day...

I am not as emotional but I am still so sad and miss him...I have a pit in my stomach all day long. All day long he is right there in my head....Even though yesterday I wrote all the negative.

 

Loxxt, I may have not liked parts of my exes personality and all those things I mentioned (smoking, swearing, etc)...But there were good things I try not to remember. For instance he would do dishes and do considerate things and cook dinner for me....There were alot of good things about him, but Id rather not dwell on that.

 

I know that you know you need to stay in No Contact with your ex in order for you to heal. I know its not easy, but just continue remembering the negative things about him. WOuld you want to live with someone forever who was too lazy to help with dishes and didnt fill your gas tank? Im sure it would lead to a long list of other lazy things. Imagine if you had kids? Wouldnt you want someone proactive that you could count on to do those little things? Just a thought....Just really keep with that mind frame. WHy would you want someone who doesnt want you...Once that emotional connection is gone (through no contact), you will be able to see this all very rationally...

 

As for me, it is really like a drug, one day at a time...What is difficult is that I know that any time now I am going to eventually run into him with the new girl, and I just absolutely DREAD that thought.....4 days really feels like eternity right now and Id do anything to speed up time....One thing I can say, is the fact that thoughts of him are so painful, if he were to come back, I think I would throw up from anxiety and not knowing what to do...To be totally emotionally connected to him and miss him with all my heart, and yet to rationally know I dont want someone who doesnt want me, or someone I haver doubts about when I was with him, is a double edged sword......We couldnt have won I guess....And it makes me sad he felt that way before I had to force myself to try and believe it....

 

Finally went to work today and I felt like a zombie....Like I said before. I know that No contact is in order for me to heal, but each day that goes by, I wonder to myself does he miss me yet? It is hard to believe time will just go on without anything else between us ever again....That he just left things the way he did when I was begging to make it work...I just picture him with another girl just telling himself how much for the better it was we werent together.....

[jaygirl]

My new day one. Feels so sad.

[Anon333]

Jaygirl...Try not to be sadder than you were before...You are working on healing and even though you had a setback, that doesnt change the fact that time has passed since you have actually been with your ex...Also, it sounds to be like your ex took your contact and used it as an emotional crutch, telling you as much as possible about what is going on in his life in one text....You are still emotionally there for him and it proves he misses talking you and telling you about his day if he told you all those things....Now just drop out of the picture so he knows you may not be there for him....You cant be there for him,....You need to be there for yourself.....He wants you as a friend maybe, but if he really wanted and missed you enough he would tell you...So I guess you knwo the answer like everyone else tells us...

 

We may be addicted to our exes and hearing from them connects us to them for a second and then makes us feel worse...As though relapsing from a drug....Honestly, lets do a little reverse psychology and make Not Contacting our exes the drug that makes us feel good.....Just know with each day we are closer to feeling awesome...Most likely if they come back it will be after we are healed....so why not focus on that and know that if they came back now we might be an emotional unsure wreck about everything....

 

Just takes painful time..i know its rough...Im here with you and so are a ton of people..It is a personal thing that feels like the end of the world, and yet everyone goes through this, loses weight, feels that pit in their stomach, mind cant stop racing, loses any enjoyment in life. This is part of life and we will get through it like I have before and will now...and we will be better people for it!

[jaygirl]

Thank you Anon. U don't know how much hope your words brought to me. Its a new dawn, a new NC for me.

I am not breaking it this time. My life does not depend on him, and I can be happy without him

[1guygirl]

well...before i left for working away over weekend, it was day 2..evening...got added on fb by a lad i was talking to on some truther forum...he went through all my pics on fb and we commented back on forth quite a bit, i will prob see him at the next truth meeting - was jus nice ya know

 

day 3, was all positive etc etc. i was at work as a live in carer and theres hardly any signal there. i went to my room and ex had sent me text

 

"my jumper arrived today, thank you for sending it i wz kinda hoping you might hand deliver it lol xxx dont wanna wash it, prob should but dont wanna"

 

i ignored it all, until he sends other texts bout him having major sh*t with his daughter...i am a compassionate being and so gave him some advice bout her etc cos he said he didnt know where to turn or what to do...yes that is his prob now but...well ya know...but then this contact from him set me back and i knew he would contact me again. i was amazed he text bout jumper cos i sent it 1st class so it would have got to him DAYS ago, so mabes he was jus looking for excuse to text. I also knew his next excuse to text would be about his new job...and i didnt wanna hear it....so i made the hard decision to firmly say....

 

"Anyway, im gunna take some time out myself - i know what i need to do, take care babe, glad things are working out for you xxxxx"

 

oh i did mention to him earlier that i was moving in cpl weeks too *rolls eyes*

 

he then texts..

 

"Does time out mean no contact between us? I hope you find some happiness, ya kna, you deserve a good guy xxx i'm always here if ya need me sweet heart xxx"

 

now, i HATE it when they can jus say "hope you find a great guy" kinda thing...in his context its like hes admitting he wasnt a decent guy, so i have to believe him. I know he WILL respect my nc and not text...he felt just how lovely i was for the final time, i dont know where things will go from here but now i can delete them texts and start again...thank f*** i wont have to hear about his new job!!!

 

day 1

 

good to know im not gun a get drawn into his selfish needs or hold his hand through this breakup.

 

besides, i gotta a house to move into, with new bed, new walls, new memories to create, my pole art to finally do ?? AND now i can get a f***ing cat (he was allergic to them)

 

love n hugs to everybods

[Loxxt]

So I'm back to day two for... Probably the third or fourth time. I know I need to go NC but here's where I'm at a crossroads. Either I lay it on him, wish him good luck but make it clear I'm not here for him. Or I just ignore the message. Obviously he didn't get what I said in my txt. I was TRYING to say that I might consider talking about "us" but if that's not the case we should leave it be, in other words everything or nothing. None of that friend zone b.s.

 

I know I have to go NC, I'm just not sure how to initiate it. I know he thinks he can have his cake and eat it. He acted this way a week after leaving me. I fell for it then but I'm smarter now...

 

Feeling a little better than last night. At least I'm not crying now. Although my apetite is nearly gone. I feel like I've lost 20 pounds since he left. I feel so weak, physically. In the past month I was eating more but right now I feel like I'm back to square one except I'm growing numb to the pain. Every time he gives me bait I take it and he pulls back and gives me false hope. I don't get how people can act this way. I don't know why I'd take him back after all he's done to me.

 

It's sad. It really is a game of you want what you can't have. I want him back he knows this but he has a new toy so why does he need me? He wants that friend in me that he threw away. I live I learn I go NC and move on. He shows he wants me I show I want him so be pulls back. I finally go completely NC and let go. Then he'll want me back cuz he knows he lost me. But too little too late. Again with wanting what you can't have.

 

I know in the long run NC will only help me. While the alternstive may leave me feeling somewhat satisfied I know it will never make me feel loved or fulfilled. I might be winning the battle but I'm losing the war...

 

Why is the simplest advice the hardest to follow? We all think we can bend the rules. I've learnt that doesn't work for me, it only causes pain. Now it's his turn to experience the loss of a best friend and feel like he isn't needed.

[1guygirl]

anno isnt this the case its as if THEY KNOW and they initiate contact, not letting us go, but not going all out to get us back...

 

but...if hes got a new toy, the consideration changes...they dont need an NC explaination...he made his choice, now yure making yours...

 

no more crumbs

[kvb10]

Day 22... it's a good day..

 

To everyone just starting NC

 

I KNOW it's hard... it SUCKS. But trust me, every day further you go on NC, you WILL start to feel better. You will still have very low days in between along the journey... but having just completed 3 weeks, I already am feeling better and proud of myself and stronger. The first 2 weeks will be hard, but just push through it. You can do it... it's only going to make you stronger.

 

Every time you complete another week you will have something to be proud of yourself about. Contacting them is just going to pull you back down and make you feel crappy. If you touch a hot pot and it burns, would you continue to do it? Nope... Think about it the same way with contacting them... If you contact them, it just hurts... don't hurt yourself anymore.

 

You don't need them to be happy and to heal. The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. You can do this.

 

Make a list of things you will force yourself to do when you feel like you're about to contact them...

 

For example... if you feel like contacting them, force yourself to do everything on this list first:

 

shower, take a bath, call a friend (maybe list about 5 people to call before calling them), take a walk, color in a coloring book, write in your journal WHY you want to call them and WHAT you expect to achieve... If each time you want to call them you force yourself to go through this list, it'll get easier not to call.

 

Ever wonder why there are so many songs about heart break? Because everyone goes through it. What you are going through is completely normal so don't be too hard on yourself if you are having a really hard time. Ups, downs, hot, cold... it is so confusing but it is completely normal and you WILL get through it.

 

Much love to everyone going through this hard time.

[vertigoxo]

Day 173

 

7 more days till I've completed 6 months of NC, and 7 more days it will be one year since the break-up.

 

I'm starting to get bored with ENA, lol! I guess I am moving on pretty much.

[Loxxt]

So I decided to reply. My final reply.

 

I admit I was emotional when I wrote it but I was the good kind of emotional. Feeling like I need to forget about him and his bull and lay it on him.

I wrote, "Look, either you want to fix us or you don't. And frankly you don't seem to know what you want. If you were serious about me you wouldn't be with someone else. I think the best thing for both of us is to let go. Good luck in your future endeavours.

P.S. There is mail for you in my mailbox."

 

Again his answer was all over the place. Again with the I pull back and he falls in... Ugh. But honestly I'm not letting it get to me but I figured I'd post it in case anyone wants to give me feedback.

"Hey xxxx,

I understand I'm lost. I'm happy but lost. Some day I hope it makes more sense. As well, the mail has been forwarded. It just may take a few days to take action. Thank you for getting back to me. Its means more then you know. Take care. Bye

xxxx."

 

Day one almost done again. I hope there will never be another day one. I hope he gets the point.

[1guygirl]

i think ya got ya answer...non comittiel BS - time to NC - yeah it means more to his ego...tell yourself to tell him *under your breath* JOG ON KN*B HEAD

 

ya worth so much more than scraps...even scrap can be tasty, this is jus rubbish bin material

[Diagonal]

Day 1 complete.

 

It wasn't that tough as I've realized that this NC will be good for me either way.

 

If we get back together then great - NC will have been a tool which has helped make that happen. If not, then at least I'll have healed more effciently rather than in bits over a loooonger period of time.

 

I still really miss her and it's the weird things that remind me of her but I'm trying the 'instant shift' technique - so if I find myself dwelling or thinking about things that get me down, I shift the focus onto something else.

 

Well here goes to day 2

 

Hang in there guys, see you on the other side

[FoundYet]

Oh my gosh...5 Weeks of NC.

 

I never thought I could in the beginning and yet here I am. Better, happy, smiling and moving on.

 

A quote now runs through my mind when thoughts of him come up, "A thought!? An Image!? Is that all I am to you, you romantic, dreaming fool!?"

Yes, that's all he is to me now, just a thought and only an image. And yes, I still am a romantic, dreaming fool without him in my life and ecstatic about that!

[Amano Ginji]

Moving on is a 4 stage process. I like to measure my progress based on the following 5 levels.

 

1. You know your still stuck on your ex when your counting the days since the break up.

2.You know your getting better when you start counting weeks instead of days.

3.You know your doing good when you start counting months instead of weeks.

4.You know your doing really good when you start counting years instead of months.......

5. You know you've moved on when you cant remember how long it has been since you broke up.

 

I have made it to level 3. Just 2 more levels to go and I will be as good as new

[mwh67]

day 15 round 2. doing quite well...every once in a while i go back to thinking about her and remembering the good times..but itll be ok. kinda weird though that lately her sister has been IMing me a lot. who knows...oh well