FoundYet

Been a few days. Doing better. Have laughed today.

I did my thing.. And now, I actually have nothing to say to you. The silents is not deafening. Time.

Yup, I broke it. I had to. This emotional hate over him, I couldn't take, so I texted. I did something nice. That's just how I cope with negative things. He was happy to hear from me, then asked me to go somewhere with him right after. I told him, no. I couldn't see him, not with trying to work on my negativity toward him. We just texted a little over what I sent and that was that. That was probably a stupid thing to do for a small fix, but that anger was hurting me more then I knew. It calmed my hate for him a bit. And at this point, I don't actually want to talk to him. I did this just for me. Was it selfish? Most likely. But it helped and it's what I needed at the moment and I wasn't scared to do it, which was weird. Or is this a false feeling.. hmm. So, starting over at day 1. It was a month. The previous time was three months, so I know I can do NC, but this time was hate, while the first time was total sadness. The hate, for me hurts worse.

I think I may break today... it's a sad day and when i'm sad I do stupid things. i already know what i would say. crap. this second time around breakup thing, I'm being more stupid.

Why do I want to talk to you again? I hate you. But why? If I talk to you again it would be just for me to say to you that, I hate you, to your face then probably brake out in tears. But that's a mean thing to do, and I'm not mean. These feelings are hurting me. I don't like them. I've never felt hate before. Hate is just as powerful as love. How sad is that? I'm actually crying over hate. This is going to be a long night.

I hear ya. It's like they think the whole relationship is summed up in one or two lines and then Ta Da, all cleared up. Yeah, that explained everything. So basically he said, it was you who missed something to gained something but lost something in the process? Don't you just like the back-handed ways people blame the other to justify themselves. Mttens, he did lose you and your love. He doesn't feel broken because he filled the hole with glue so quickly. Sometimes it sticks but most times the glue won't hold. Sadly here, the hard part is working on you so you're not broken over your loss. It's a 'one day at a time.' Be sad, be angry, cry, but don't loose yourself, so you can be the one to say, 'I truly survived.' I wish you the best of luck.

Today is angry day. Because all day yesterday I wanted to talk him and thinking maybe. So today I'm being hard on myself for having wanted that. It's a fight with myself. I feel bad, hurt, sad. But I didn't call him. Stay NC NC NC.

Angry rant day. A quote told to me the ex. 'Being broken means you survived.' Sorry but being broken does not mean you survived. It means you lost. You lost trust, you lost love, you lost something or someone. You just lost. That's it. But that's the hardest thing to admit to oneself when you live in a world where it's all about winning and succeeding and shameful to lose. 'Being broken' means: you're still broken. To truly survive, is a basic instinct, it's called healing. Healing means you can freely go back, without fear, to accept what happen, what you lost, how you lost it, then learn from it and are ready and willing to move on. It's when you have healed/accepted, that you can actually say, you've survived or in it's own way, that 'you've won.' Because it's the winning that everyone want. But winning here is not to show who is better than whom. It's a personal victory. An acceptance and moving forward victory. Where you can truly say, I 'was' broken, and I survived. Sadly, I'm not there yet.

Alas, back to NC after the brakex2. It seems a littler easier this time around, but those crying fits still hit you when you don't expect them.

You lied to me. That much worse.

Kazzz1, I empathize with you. I'm still struggling to reach that last section. Letting go of a memory is so hard to do. Or maybe just the waiting is.

This is a work in progress that I need to get off my chest. I just keep changing it because I would come back to this poem taking more notes every time the ex came up. WHAT...WHAT TO DO? What do I do? Do I grow a pair and yell, 'You can't have her too!' She wants ME. She cares about ME. She LOVES me. But where are you? Gone! And, who are you? Just no one from my past. Yes, I said it. You're no one anymore! She loves me and wants me and it has nothing to do with you! What have I done? I met a women and I didn't think of you. I met a women who made me fuzzy, warm and tingle inside. She, who always smiled and laughed and looked at me for me, Healing the pain I held deep down, along the wayside And I was loosing myself in her too. What did I do? I thought of you and she saw it too. She saw it in my eyes. I quickly turned scared, but saw into her's too. I noticed that light, the twinkle I loved, Slowly slide away by my stupid, quick notion of you. The quieter she got, the more pain I felt, but she stayed, Still trying to smile, with butterfly's inside, still holding onto hope, Waiting for me to concur And push away my past of you. What happened? Still thought of you. I pushed her down then pushed her away. She loved me! And where were you!? You left, moved on. I left and tried to moved on too... But this, this is the one I lost because of you. I've lost relationships cause I wasn't ready, But her, she was different from you. For when I was with her, I was ready. She, for once, made me forget about you. But then, when alone on my own, Where were you? Still in the dark, holding me down, Still in my past, clutching my heart, too. But she, she got through just for a moment. A moment that scared and frighten and exhilarated me and over-powered you. What did I lose? I lost my chance at happiness and love. You broke my heart, so then, I broke her's too Because I thought of you. What do I do? I LOST my chance at HAPPINESS and LOVE!! I have no desire for you. I now have no need to think of you. Now, I can move forward, But, hopefully, with her too. ~Found Yet?~ (Just change the she's to he's and it will work just fine, too.)

Whoops...that was unexpected...

I have been feeling weird/sad all week and I don't know why, so I decided to look at one of your many webpages not relating to FB, I know, bad idea, but it's been a few weeks without looking... and the one I chose...hmmm Why is that picture there? On the main page, for all to see, when it was never there before? Why? Why that picture?

Wow, I cant believe I've just completed 8 weeks of NC. The beginning days were hell. Then came all the ups and downs. Now its slowly evening out. And it helped greatly to post it all here. Didn't think it would work but, Time slowly heals.