THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[bitebenot]

Don't you love when your friends have no idea how to help! After my breakup, I was absolutely miserable. And my best friend was trying to get me question my ex's motives! How the hell does that help? The last thing you need to do in that situation is to try and figure out what the ex was thinking. Looking back I wish I would have punched him that day

 

LOL...your comments really made me laugh hard.He should know when to zip it ! What are friends for huh !

[DaveTrump]

Don't you love when your friends have no idea how to help! After my breakup, I was absolutely miserable. And my best friend was trying to get me question my ex's motives! How the hell does that help? The last thing you need to do in that situation is to try and figure out what the ex was thinking. Looking back I wish I would have punched him that day

 

haha - Friends are great because they all have different attributes. I just leant on the right ones. Have to say though, almost my entire family are consistently useless with helping with heartbreak, so friends that you can lean on is what you eventually find out. Sometimes, the ones you least expect are the ones that really shine.

 

But it's not all about them giving advice. Maybe they can restore some clarity through listening but I think just having a laugh with them where you can just switch off for a few hours really helps. That's where your not so helpful friends can be great, just by hanging out with them and relaxing.

[DaveTrump]

Don't you love when your friends have no idea how to help! After my breakup, I was absolutely miserable. And my best friend was trying to get me question my ex's motives! How the hell does that help? The last thing you need to do in that situation is to try and figure out what the ex was thinking. Looking back I wish I would have punched him that day

 

haha - Friends are great because they all have different attributes. I just leant on the right ones. Have to say though, almost my entire family are consistently useless with helping with heartbreak, so friends that you can lean on is what you eventually find out. Sometimes, the ones you least expect are the ones that really shine.

 

But it's not all about them giving advice. Maybe they can restore some clarity through listening but I think just having a laugh with them where you can just switch off for a few hours really helps. That's where your not so helpful friends can be great, just by hanging out with them and relaxing.

[kvb10]

Day 5 begins.. dreamt about wanting to get back together and woke up with a love song in my head.

sigh.

i was really angry with her last night knowing she pursued (but didnt chea) someone else behind my back.

but i also know that we had a hard couple of months and i was not affectionate and loving enough at the time so i kind of feel like i pushed her away. i feel like we both gave up on our relationship because we were in a rut. that makes me sad.

[FoundYet]

Going into Day 10

 

I cried all week prior, I cried the majority of those ten days and I cried myself to sleep last night.

I am now starting to finally eat more, getting myself up, out and doing stuff but always night time, brings the tears that make me fall backwards.

I have fallen back to my old ways of looking him up on FB just to look at pictures. I am forcing myself to only do it once a day. Nothing is different, our pictures are still there. It keeps me calm, a false calm I know it. I'm waiting for a shoe to drop. I feel that it will come soon. I'm scared of it because I don't want the tears from that first week to come back.

Am finally going and hanging out with friends tonight. I am hoping it helps, if even just for a little.

Still, I miss him.

[FoundYet]

Day 9 of no contact is great! I think its normal that you still miss him and dont be too hard on yourself about looking at the pics. Maybe soon you can start a -no looking at him- challenge. Have a great day.

 

Thank you for the encouragement.

I did try the no looking and I failed. For some reason it is excruciating to me I hope to be able to one day though.

 

I also been having dreams lately about my ex. and I getting back together too. I dream of the good times, the fun times and, for me, in the end, they become the bad times that maybe I could have changed, wishing I did something different in some way and we end up still together, then I wake up sad, thinking of the missed opportunities, IF they were opportunities missed.

But.. we'll get through this. We're suppose to get through this, it's just taking time, a lot of time. We can do this...right?

[kvb10]

Hey FoundYet.. I know exactly what you mean. It's part of the process. After my first ex, I actually occasionally would even dream about her years later and wake up feeling lonely and nostalgic. That all stopped once I met my most recent ex. But now she is an ex too and now I am back at square one.

I've thought about it a lot and I am fully aware of why this happened. I know that I couldn't have changed it though. I just wish I knew then what I know now. I wish we had communicated more.

But you're right... we can do this. Right now the days are dragging by. But flash forward to the future and we're happy and fine and everything is okay.

[kvb10]

NC is getting harder. I thought it was supposed to be easier. It was easier for the first days. But now it's like, this is really how it is. This is it. We are no longer in contact. Just like that my lover and best friend is completely gone from my life.

 

I am considering going to LC.

[anon12]

NC is getting harder. I thought it was supposed to be easier. It was easier for the first days. But now it's like, this is really how it is. This is it. We are no longer in contact. Just like that my lover and best friend is completely gone from my life.

 

I am considering going to LC.

 

It gets harder, you start to question your own motives, But you need to realise, what you contacting them is going to achieve?

 

Not alot!

 

It gets easier in time.

 

Day 8 since i told her im gone for good.

[pepsi71ocean]

It gets harder, you start to question your own motives, But you need to realise, what you contacting them is going to achieve?

 

Not alot!

 

It gets easier in time.

 

Day 8 since i told her im gone for good.

 

I agree, 3 years later and im almost a normal human, no way i would have made it without NC.

 

It has to get harder before it can get easier.

[kvb10]

It gets harder, you start to question your own motives, But you need to realise, what you contacting them is going to achieve?

 

Not alot!

 

It gets easier in time.

 

Day 8 since i told her im gone for good.

 

although everyone tells me theres no chance of getting her back, I feel like I didn't even try to reason with her.

What if she really is gone for good? What if she starts seeing her crush and they start going out? I can't be friends with her while she is dating someone she left me for...

 

It's going to be a LONG weekend.

[anon12]

although everyone tells me theres no chance of getting her back, I feel like I didn't even try to reason with her.

What if she really is gone for good? What if she starts seeing her crush and they start going out? I can't be friends with her while she is dating someone she left me for...

 

It's going to be a LONG weekend.

 

I doubt theres really anytihng you can say to make her change her mind.

 

( Heres a good example, from dumpers view )

 

I questioned myself a hell of alot to begin with aswell. It did work to get her back. Twice!

 

If there wasnt really any deep problems with your relationship, then who knows, she might come back, But if she does start dating her crush, theres nothing you can do about it.

 

Times a healer... I mean, today the new anniversary thing on facebook, someone told me my ex had it as 15th November with this new guy, which, was 5 days before she left me. Honestly, im slightly pissed off, but did i get that empty feeling, and a sunken heart? Nope.

 

Stick with it, you'll question your motives for NC everyday, Did you do everything you could? honestly, yes. But it takes two. Just give it time, and eventually, if theres no signs, your motive for NC will shift from using it to get her back, to distancing yourself so you can heal.

 

Best of luck!

[bitebenot]

Contacting the ex is a very bad idea.What would be the point ? Try to reason with her/him ? Its a waste of time..by doing so you tell them " i love you and i'll wait as long as it takes " ! You then become a safety net,a dormat ! You cant reason with them,they know what they are doing and its on their own free choice ! If you convince the ex to come back,it will be a short stay ! Once they leave,they have to earn their right to come back ! You cant be available to them that way,its not logical ! First the ex left because they mostly fell out of love,you cant produce that for them,impossible ! When they ask for reconciliation then you know its sincere.When you ignore them, you make them pass a test,they fail or they succeed.Staying in the picture isnt helping none,they cant miss you at all.They have to see what they are missing and loved by creating a void,you have to be scarce.To do that you need to desappear completely ! If there is a better way to bring the ex back i would like to know ! When they are away,they can start to miss you,feel nostalgic and sad.They wonder if they made a mistake.If that doesnt work,they are gone for good.How long does it take ? No answers...but many times i saw from threads i read,it seems its always around 3 to 5 months and sometimes more.Not many do come back,check on your own if you want to,i did.Thats why you need to move on as soon as possible.Waiting for them is a waste of time and the healing process and the nightmare goes on and on.Imagine being stuck for a year or two with no results ! While they are having fun,your in hell.So the best is to move on,heal and lose all hopes of them coming back.Time to go out and meet new people and someone else to love.When the ex founds out you are not waiting,it will be another strong point for them to think about.Just by healing you already lose and waste six months of your life that you will never recover again.

[kvb10]

Thanks for the link, that is a really informative post. Good to hear from a dumper. My situation is slightlyyy different because she got a new love interest at the end of ours (but didnt cheat and isnt with the love interest now) but she does still love me and misses me and is taking the break up just as hard as I am. She said she was so sorry this happened and that she wish it hadn't and that she is mad at herself that it did (that she got feelings for someone else and that we didnt work out). So who knows... maybe one day she will come back. Until then, I've got to keep working through this pain and get myself back on my feet.

 

I'm glad I'm giving her her space. I'm glad I'm giving myself the space too. Thanks a lot Anon. It's given me the extra kick I need to keep my head up tonight.

[mwh67]

Day 26...had a dream that she called me...seemed so real that when i woke up i still thought she had called me but she hadn't. oddly enough i didn't feel too disappointed. starting to feel much better...i think one of the best things you can do to keep your mind off of it is to keep busy at work and have a plan for every weekend with friends. ive got things lined up for the next 4 weekends and knowing that i do seems to make me feel less down because i have things to look forward to.

[mwh67]

interesting note. my buddy just commented on facebook on a photo of me and her. he commented that he liked my shirt. 2 seconds after he had commented on the photo she untagged herself. odd lol

[clarebear2486]

Day 1- I deleted him as a friend on facebook...I also blocked him from searching for me on there as well... I blocked him on AIM instant messenger.. and if he texts me.. I will not answer... He made his choice of being with another girl... and now, I'm making my choice by not caring anymore... I won't be someones safety net that they'll have to fall back on in case the new relationship doesn't work out.. That's not me and I respect myself far too much to go through that.. It's been almost 2 yrs since he broke my heart.. and well.. I'm not going to allow him to keep coming back around and breaking it even more, when it's taken me so long to move forward with my life and move on as best as I can... Thanks SuperDave71! You've given me the inspiration and the will power I needed to do this for myself... and well, I'm hoping for nothing but good to come out of all of this

 

Good Luck everyone!!! I'm sure you all know that it's not as easy as it sounds to do this! But it has to be done sooner or later, otherwise, the one who let you go in the first place, will not open their eyes and realize what they lost.

[bitebenot]

Day one and you already deserve a medal ! A good start,keep thinking that way and you will make it.

[anon12]

day 9, and im feeling fine

[kvb10]

congrats anon.

 

I've always believed that all things that rhyme are true... so I guess it makes sense that you're feeling fine on day 9. I'm on day 6.. on day 9 I have plans to meet an old friend so I guess that means I'll be feeling fine too.

 

Sorry I just have to enjoy my momentary good-ish mood.

[anon12]

congrats anon.

 

I've always believed that all things that rhyme are true... so I guess it makes sense that you're feeling fine on day 9. I'm on day 6.. on day 9 I have plans to meet an old friend so I guess that means I'll be feeling fine too.

 

Sorry I just have to enjoy my momentary good-ish mood.

 

Keep yourself busy, and that momentary should turn into permanent!

 

glad your sticking with it good luck!

[syxx87]

Day 26

 

I dont know why but for whatever reason, this whole past week has been me thinking heavily about her after not really giving her much thought most of last week. No gloom or moping fortunately, but still having her on my mind a great deal. However, I am starting to accept the possibility that she may never come back and that me and her might be done for good. Not that that is what I want, but atleast now when the thought comes to my head, I dont freak out and wonder what I should do, I just accept it and say whatever happens, happens.

 

I've learned that actions speak louder than words and that talk is cheap. She has said so much stuff to me, to her sister, to my best friend, and I guess to others about still loving me, missing me, and prospects of getting back together with me but has done and showed little to nothing to backup all of her talk over the last two months so I'm done getting my hopes up and will now try and have the mindset of it happens great but if not, oh well.

[kvb10]

Day 6... Was pretty depressed today, worse than during the week. Cried a bit, laid in bed feeling lifeless.

Finally got up and showered and cleaned my room and went and bought some groceries for the first time since the break up (8 days). Gotta start eating at some point!

 

Anyways... I am trying to focus on the fact that there is really -nothing- i can do right now to change the situation. I just have to work on me, and once I get myself where I need to be, if I still want her back, I can try that then. But for now, I've gotta get my life back.

 

She's supposed to be contacting me in the next couple of days to check in (we decided to do NC for a week at first). Not sure what she'll say (its definitely over, its not like she needed time to think). I think she just wants to check in because it was a clean break up and we both miss each other and feel a loss. I'll probably write back because I do want us to have some kind of relationship one day.. whatever that may be. She told me the same thing. I'll keep it short and sweet, but also concerned and positive. After that I'm back on the NC challenge. I'll keep you posted.

[anon12]

I wouldnt agree on a time frame with your ex for when you break it, it kind of removes the chance of nostalgia kicking in, if she knows in a weeks time your going to talk again.

[kvb10]

I wouldnt agree on a time frame with your ex for when you break it, it kind of removes the chance of nostalgia kicking in, if she knows in a weeks time your going to talk again.

 

Thats a good point. After this contact I will make sure it's left open when or if we talk again. I think I'll tell her that she can contact me if she'd like though.