THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[tujna]

Day 7 was extremely hard but I know it will get even worse before it gets better at all. Oh my God, just please give me strength to go on without him! I know I did all I could to keep him and there is nothing more I could do to prove my love to him. He is blind to see anything I do or did, all he knows is that it is all my fault and if I loved him I wouldn't have done that. He is faultless in his mind. He will never forgive or even come close to forgiving. I have to let him go, just let him go.

[tujna]

tujna,

 

you will do just fine. and you WILL make it to day 30.

 

before you know it, you won't even feel like calling.. because what is there to say really where you wouldn't lose self respect? that is my take on it anyway.

 

Thank you very much for the encouragement, twomonks. Indeed, I felt so weak today for first time over these 7 days. I hear people talking that the second and the third weeks are the hardest and I have not yet made it past the 7th day. Soon I might have my personal best

 

You are completely right: what more can I say that I haven't said, repeated, begged, pleaded. The truth is he doesn't even hear me. He only hears himself, he doesn't even one bit care what he put me through. He is so cruel and I will never forgive him that just in the way he doesn't have any mercy for me.

[twomonks]

tujna,

 

maybe you could turn around the lack of mercy your ex affords you, to thinking more about the mercy and compassion you can give to yourself.

 

i can understand your anger, but this is the time to also for you to self-reflect. is there absolutely NOTHING that you did in the relationship that you could have done better or in a more healthy way... that could have contributed to the demise of the relationship?

 

i say this because after the first week or 2 i started to realize just how much i had a part to play in the break-up (lack of communication, controlling behavior, not really hearing what he was trying to tell me). of course, this is a hard lesson to learn and realization to come to after the fact.

 

take this time for you to grow... you can do it. its all about you now!

[tujna]

tujna,

 

maybe you could turn around the lack of mercy your ex affords you, to thinking more about the mercy and compassion you can give to yourself.

 

i can understand your anger, but this is the time to also for you to self-reflect. is there absolutely NOTHING that you did in the relationship that you could have done better or in a more healthy way... that could have contributed to the demise of the relationship?

 

i say this because after the first week or 2 i started to realize just how much i had a part to play in the break-up (lack of communication, controlling behavior, not really hearing what he was trying to tell me). of course, this is a hard lesson to learn and realization to come to after the fact.

 

take this time for you to grow... you can do it. its all about you now!

 

You are absolutely right, twomonks. I am at fault. I did something which he will never forgive and this is the sole reason our relationship ended. However, what I did was consequence of his behavior to me over a five-year period. In the last one year I went through things no living person should have to go through and I forgave everything without thinking twice and never received mercy in return. It just hurts unbearably to see that you are able to forgive EVERYTHING to be with someone, even the most horrible things and he does not even have one drop of mercy. Yes, I should try to give compassion to myself because I will never receive it from him. It is just so hard to see his hatred and cruelty win over the love and everything that we had together.

[brazilgirl21]

Ok, so I basically need reassurance about NC.

 

I've been thinking today, is NC really the best? Should I REALLY pretend I'm fine, moving on, happy when I'm not? What if this just proves to my ex that I really did not love him and just wanted him back out of spite? What if it makes him believe that it only took me 2 months to get over him?

 

What if I told him I loved him one more time? What if I told him these two months apart (ok, with a text in the middle), only showed me how much I love him? Truly love him? That it showed me that I didn't want him back because I thought I had lost him, but that I wanted him back because I truly loved him.

 

After these months of NC, ok maybe 2 is not a lot, and like I said, I did text him once 3 weeks ago... but we haven't spoken at ALL. I know NOTHING about his life, he knows nothing about mine, we haven't spoken or seen eachother for months.

 

I mean, clearly, he is not going to contact me. Why would it kill me to try one more time? To tell him how much I love him? I will have to move on either way you know. However, without trying, I have nothing anyways.

 

I need reassurance as to why it is better to keep NC and pretend I'm fine and don't love him anymore.

 

With NC, it just feels like I'm building a giant wall between us... it feels like each day we are more distant and he's forgetting more and more that I exist.

 

thanks

[cl76]

Hey Brazilgirl21,

 

Yeh NC is meant to work for a couple of reasons:

 

1) It gives you time to heal yourself, to improve your physical/mental/emotional health, reflect, get over the pain, find happiness in other aspects of your life, get over your feelings of neediness and desperation

 

2) It sends the message to your ex that you have accepted the break up, that you respect their wishes, that they can't have you anymore, it gives them time to miss you and think about all the good times you had together, it allows them to heal the pain of the breakup and forget the anger they have towards you

[brazilgirl21]

Well, NC is NOT helping me heal at all. I don't know, sometimes it feels like NC is just a game...

 

What if my ex thinks he made the right decision to let me go because I'm "proving" to him that I didn't love him? I did iniate the break-up process... I don't know, sometimes I just get REALLY confused as to if NC is the best thing... or simply the best thing to make you ex forget you.

 

This is the GBT forum, we obviously wants our exes back.

[cl76]

Well, NC is NOT helping me heal at all. I don't know, sometimes it feels like NC is just a game...

 

What if my ex thinks he made the right decision to let me go because I'm "proving" to him that I didn't love him? I did iniate the break-up process... I don't know, sometimes I just get REALLY confused as to if NC is the best thing... or simply the best thing to make you ex forget you.

 

This is the GBT forum, we obviously wants our exes back.

 

I don't feel NC is a game of "who's going to give in first?". Who long have you been on NC? If it's less than a week then you are still in major pain and can't see the forest through the trees - I know because I was there too recently. It's tough but it gets heaps easier after a couple of weeks.

 

I am on my 20th day of NC. I found this to be great time for "healing". The NC time is good because you are in "damage control" mode. NC is part of your plan to win him/her back. If you had no plan you would surely lose your ex forever.

 

If you keep badgering your ex to get back together you are in fact reinforcing her/his reason for leaving you. All you are doing is PUSHING them away even further. Too much time apart makes them forget you, but a little time apart makes them miss you - or so the theory goes. Have a plan and it won't feel so hopeless.

 

edit: So you "improve" yourself during you NC time. You know you are ready to contact your ex again when you've become a strong and happy person again without them. at this point your ex should see you in a new light and you have a shot of getting them back.

[brazilgirl21]

Well, I'm not in the beggining of NC.

 

Last time I saw him was around January 27th? Last time we talked on the phone was on February 16th...

 

Then 3 weeks ago I texted him about us not speaking at a party and he texted back... but anyways, it had been almost 40 days of NC, now I'm again around Day 20.

 

So yes, I'm NOT in the beggining at all. It's not getting easier either. Specially since my ex is dating someone else.

 

Should I just give up? What if I cant move on? I don't know, I CANNOT imagine that I'll ever meet anyone else. What if NC is making it EASIER for him to move on?

[cl76]

Well, I'm not in the beggining of NC.

 

Last time I saw him was around January 27th? Last time we talked on the phone was on February 16th...

 

Then 3 weeks ago I texted him about us not speaking at a party and he texted back... but anyways, it had been almost 40 days of NC, now I'm again around Day 20.

 

So yes, I'm NOT in the beggining at all. It's not getting easier either. Specially since my ex is dating someone else.

 

Hey Brazilgirl, I don't really know your situation of course. I;'m following a strict plan to get my ex back.

 

Now, apparently you are not meant to initiate ANY contact with your ex during NC. I see you have done this and by doing so he seems to know he can always get you back. You want to make him think he can't have you anymore. So just hold strong there and dont contact him anymore.

 

In order to stop being obssessed with the ex you're meant to go out and do other things: get fit, eat healthy, new hobby, change your hair, fix your teeth, buy new clothes, meet new people, DATE other people, read relationship books, go on a holiday etc etc...

 

This will help you heal. It'll give you back your confidence and self esteem. It will allow you to move on in the case you can't get him back.

 

Now, again according to the books, you should not worry about your ex dating a new person. Aparently most rebounds fail (like 90%). But this can't happen if you the ex thinks he can always get you if it doesn't work out with the new person. Apparently your ex will most likely be comparing the new date to you and in most cases the new date can't compare because you have a lot of history with your ex.

 

So go NC, fix yourself up, when you're strong and happy again contact him. Arrange a coffee and show him your new improved self. Hopefully by then, the novelty of the new date has faded, and here you come out of the blue looking and feeling fantastic! It'll blow his mind.

 

Look, it doesnt always work but you will be in a good position to move on if thats the case.

[brazilgirl21]

Thanks you! Amazing advice.

 

I've just been doing everything you know?? Getting out, trying, I even tried to date someone else. Nothing seems to work. My situation is very complicated, well it was (my thread has over 1000 replies), and I just can't seem to get over this. I'm going to therapy, trying hard, but nothing is working. Not being able to talk to him is killing me.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to go out with him for coffee, as his gf HATES me. He dated her for 1 months, broke things off with her to get back with me again, then dumped me and went back to her. We were together for 3 years and I really broke his heart when I left him =[

 

I only came back after 5 months and when he started dating this new girl.

 

The thing is, technically, she's not that new anymore since they've been together for a while, 2 months prior of me getting in the middle, and 2 months now... so what if it's the real deal for him?

 

She won't allow him to go out with me as he dumped her and cheated on her with me before. =[

I'm so depressed, I feel like I have really lost him forever.

[cl76]

Should I just give up? What if I cant move on? I don't know, I CANNOT imagine that I'll ever meet anyone else. What if NC is making it EASIER for him to move on?

 

Never give up. No retreat, no surrender. You need to become strong again on your own.

 

I know you feel that he is the ONLY one for you. This is a LIE, we who get dumped tell ourselves. It's simply not true.

 

NC contact will in fact make it harder for him to move on. He will think of you more in your absense, wondering what you are doing. NC often pulls the ex back to you - it doesn't push them away. All you need then is ATTRACTION and you're well on your way to get back with your ex.

 

Unless too much time goes by and they move on completely.

[cl76]

Unfortunately you're going into a realm I've never been to. I'm trying to get my ex back for the first time only.

 

You got him back once, this is a great achievment - but how did you lose him again so fast? I can only assume that what broke you up in the first place WAS NOT RESOLVED the second time. During NC you're supposed to reflect on the relationship so you can make it work the next time.

 

Your situation is so tricky. I don't think there's a way you can win him back yet again without proving that you really have changed. Even so, he may be happy with his not-so-new girl. They've probably bonded through this drama and none of what I've said can really help anymore

 

At some point you're going to have to let go. By all means still do all those things to improve yourself and remember that there are other guys out there just as good as your ex.

 

Date lots more and you will eventually lose the attachment you have for him. Seriously, there are other nice people out there. Sorry if this doesnt make you feel better.

[brazilgirl21]

How much is too much time?

 

I mean, seriously, I thought I had moved on completely last year. For the first 4 months I was completely over him. Well, look what happened when he really did move on...

 

However, I feel like now our relationship has ended over 1 year ago already, so even though we were back together in dec/jan, for him the relationship has been over for over 1 year, you know? I feel like for him these last months together was just him finally letting go off me... satisfying his ego of having me crawling back, and then leaving me forever.

 

I lost him because apparently he thought we got back for the wrong reasons... Like I only wanted him back when he had found someone new. I made a lot of mistakes as well...

 

About our relationship back then, it ended because of lack of passion, I got the GIGS syndrome... but we everything was perfect and we got along great. When we got back, we were VERY VERY passionate and crazy in love. I have no idea why he let me go other than the fear I'd leave him again?

[cl76]

From the books I've read - they say that after your initial period of NC, you contact the ex and if you can't get back together within 2-3 months, it's time to move on.

 

So sounds like you broke with him, then after 4 months you got back together. During this time, he moved on but you didn't really.

 

They say that when you get back together again, you're meant to start all over again - a completely new relationship where you forget about the past. You make completely new memories as though you are different people meeting for the first time - otherwise how has anything changed?

 

I don't really think he had ego, I just think he wanted something to have changed but it became the same after a while. If you got back with him just because he was seeing someone else then what does that really mean to you about what you wanted? I guess we have to ask ourselves sometimes if we REALLY do want our ex back.

 

Finally, I want to say that most people leave relationships due to a lack of ATTRACTION - both physical and emotional.

[brazilgirl21]

No, after 4 months we didn't get back together, after 4 months he was still very in love with me and I had moved on (not with anyone else). He tried one more time, I said he should move on, he effectively did so.

1 month after that I went after him... we got back together 2 months after that... we were together for about 2 months, but it was never a proper relationship because he was not ready to forgive me... he was not willing to give us a try because according to him, how could I ONLY want him back once he had found someone else.

 

I have no idea what went on with us, all I know is that it made me realize how much I love him, even though in the beggining I was ALSO unsure if I only wanted him back becuase he had someone else, now, however, I realized that was not it at all.

[tiggboriqua]

Day 4

 

A pretty Good Day for me !!!!

[ScorpiGal83]

Day 12

 

I still miss him and our life together. We LIVED together for 2 years, moving to two different apartments in that time. All the stress of moving and the relief of finally getting our place together, and sleeping next to each other every night, waking up with that wonderful person, kissing him goodbye in the morning (i had to leave early for work), fetching him from work or waiting for him to come home, deciding what to eat for dinner... sharing a towel....

 

*SIGHHH*

 

I MISS HIM.

[hesnotworthit]

DAY 8

meh, today was ok, im so sick of school work...haha funny how thats whats anoying me today...and not him, like it would have used to of been...

holidays are 3 days away. And that kinda scares me, seeming my last holidays where filled up with seeing him. And now ive gotta fill these holidays up with myself, and my friends.

Someone in my year broke up with their boyfriend today and was crying dramtically in every class. And it made me think, of how far ive come. No i didnt cry for the whole school to see, but i certanly got close to it, i just remember the fear, shock, desperation and complete misery i was in the day after we broke up, i was so out of reality in my suffering, (plus it didnt help that we had to be having a where-reltionships-can-go-bad seminar that day!) But yea, im so much better! Im completely in touch with the old laugh hard, silly, joking, bubly, outgoing me in my group that im in, that i was before i ever met him! Of course i still feel * * * * ie at times, think about him a lot and have the occational cry at night...but im doing good!

I wish his birthday wasnt next weekend though. Its tempting me so so very badly to break NC and text him and tease him about how old i always told him he would be at 19... kinda bumed too i dont get to share the day i planned with him too... Its like next weekend will be the last excuse ill have to text him, or get in contact with him for ages! Cuz there wont be any significant events for another 6 months or so...and i dont want to text him just for the sake of talking after his birthday, i plan that if i texted him on his bday, it would be the last contact id allow for a long time... and i dont want there to be any hard feelings, seeming the last contact we had wasnt all so positive... But at the same time, i think it may be too early to talk to him, and it may stall or push back my healing process... what if he tells me he has a new gf? That would crush me! Why cant his birthday not be for a few more months!!? This sux!

[ToodlePip]

Day 28

 

Its been hard, but I know this is my journey and its time to reclaim my life.

 

Leone

 

Quite. Great comment twomonks!

 

Day 17 or something - Bad day again today - but seeing my therapist for the first time in three weeks today so hopefully I can reorganise the mess that is my head right now.

[pace of ace]

Right, i'm officially signing up for the ena no contact challenge

 

Been broken up from my ex for a year and i've been the "back-up guy" for too long now. My ex telling me all the things i wanna hear, but not re-committing to me..... so now i'm going to do something for myself.

 

So as of today on Day 7

 

Fed up of feeling anxious, sad, lonely... wanna be me again. Don't wanna be dependent on another person for my own happiness. It's time to heal.

[Clabs]

Good for you Pace - that is what I like to hear! She has jerked you around for far too long so it is great that you are going to do something about it

 

Take it easy and stay strong. Come back here before you do anything daft if you have a weak moment.

 

Mark

[pace of ace]

Good for you Pace - that is what I like to hear! She has jerked you around for far too long so it is great that you are going to do something about it

 

Take it easy and stay strong. Come back here before you do anything daft if you have a weak moment.

 

Mark

 

 

Cheers Mark. I will, i'm sure you'll be hearing alot more from me!

[tujna]

Day 8

 

OK, I feel like I can't take this any longer... I don't know how to let him go, I simply can't. I know I wouldn't achieve anything by calling him but I feel so desperate from losing him. How do you let go someone you have been for 7 years, all the time since you were 20. I just can't do it. I am so hopeless. All I have achieved before is 7-8 days of NC and then I give up because I can't do it, I feel I am dying without him. Please, advice!

[Jabbe]

Day 12

 

I still miss him and our life together. We LIVED together for 2 years, moving to two different apartments in that time. All the stress of moving and the relief of finally getting our place together, and sleeping next to each other every night, waking up with that wonderful person, kissing him goodbye in the morning (i had to leave early for work), fetching him from work or waiting for him to come home, deciding what to eat for dinner... sharing a towel....

 

*SIGHHH*

 

I MISS HIM.

 

I know what you mean. After 2yrs, we finally got to live on our own away from military. We finally had a chance to build something. Out of nowhere, she bailed out on me. You can make it through this. Just stay focused on other things.

 

For me it's been 9 days and I feel like I'm on top of the world. It's like us parting was the best thing that could've possibly happened in my life. I keep myself occupied by associating with other people and enjoying my hobbies.

 

You'll make it.