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I can't believe this!


redrose85

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I found out via facebook that my brother and his wife (of only 2 years) are splitting up. This was a couple of months back, and my mom said that my brother is moving out and they could maybe work things out, but it wasn't looking too likely. The facebook world was notified before most of his own family. Since then, I hadn't heard much about it, and I was kind of harbouring hope that they were patching things up (for my neice's sake). \

 

Today someone (unintentionally) made me feel even worse about the whole thing. I had put up a ring for sale (a gemstone ring that I just don't wear much) some facebook friend of my sister in law messaged me today asking if it was my sister in law's wedding ring! Talk about adding insult to injury. Now random people know all about the breakup of my brother's marriage, but I am clueless except for the random bits of gossip. How on earth am I supposed to respond to a message like that? No, it isn't her ring, but thank you, random stranger, for clarifying that my brother's marriage is indeed over." Talk about adding insult to injury!

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is it more that they are splitting up or more that you found out through facebook?

 

I am absolutely baffled at the things people share/ post on facebook.

 

If that is the case, then I'm sorry. I like facebook for keeping in touch with friends (especially when I'm working overseas) and photos,but that is it. I don't post abotu the woes in my life.

 

I had a friend on facebook write as his status...

 

 

"'Bob' can't believe his girlfriend got an abortion without telling him"

 

Honestly... the things people write about thier private lives

 

have you talked to your brother about this sort of communication?

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I had a friend on facebook write as his status...

 

 

"'Bob' can't believe his girlfriend got an abortion without telling him"

 

Honestly... the things people write about thier private lives

 

have you talked to your brother about this sort of communication?

 

I know I'm completely off topic here, but ARE YOU KIDDING?! Why would anyone post that? I'm absolutely shocked by that and I don't even know "Bob."

 

Anyway, yeah...to the OP, I can understand your being upset by finding out this way. But I'm wondering how communication is between you and your brother normally? Does he come to you/talk to you otherwise?

 

Sometimes, the whole online environment gives people a false sense of safety, sort of a buffer between them and others, so it's ten times easier to just type and post something like that rather than having to pick up the phone or look your family/friends in the eye and say, 'My marriage is failing.'

 

Think about it; he probably feels like crap and just wants to avoid the subject entirely. He can't deny that it's happening, so posting his status on Facebook might just be his way of getting everything out in the open without have to talk about it openly.

 

If you're close, you can broach the subject with him, tell him you're sad you found out that way, but you're there if he wants to talk. If you're not close, maybe take a page from his book and send him a message--NOT a wall post, please!--and just say you're there if he needs to talk.

 

In the end, though, it is what it is and all you can really do at this point is be there when/if he comes to you.

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^^^^ no I'm not kidding! And this guy is 30 years old too!!!!

 

I almost had to run away from my computer in disbeleif when I read that.

 

Sorry OP, didn't mean to derail, but yeah I totally feel for you when you find out this sort of thing through facebook. It really is a sad sign of our times that people think this is an appropriate method of breaking up, telling the world you someone had an abortion or someone had an affair.

 

As much as I like facebook for keeping in touch and photos, its this sort of stuff which makes me want to delete my account altogether.

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The decision to divorce is an incredibly traumatic and devastating emotional experience.

 

Perhaps the posting on MySpace is their way of dumping the news and running since they know family in particular may try to influence them to stay married, when that is not what they want to do.

 

People will usually make the announcement first to people they think won't judge them or try to talk them out of it, to get empathy and support rather than to deal with the onslaught of emotions that can happen with other family members who might oppose the divorce.

 

So they distance themselves from people who might be critical of their choice, and try it on for size with people who might be empathetic.

 

And they may want people to find out in a non-face-to-face way like MySpace so that they don't have to have a million emotional conversations. They dump it out there, then let a lot of the fallout and initial emotional response happen before they talk to the person. I remember when I got divorced, i dread the next 'Yes, i'm getting divorced' and having to rehash it again and again with each person as they found out. So they're getting it out there, like a press release rather than having to deal with people calling and questioning them one by one.

 

So to an extent your sense of outrage may explain their choice. If they know the family with rain criticism down on them, they may be avoiding telling you til the last possible moment when they feel stronger about the decision and further along the process, as in 'we've made the decision, the papers have been filed, so don't waste your time trying to talk us out of it.'

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I don't know what the relationship with your brother is like, but you sound more upset that the 'rest of the world' knew before you did, than compassionate towards your brother in a difficult situation. That said, I don't get how he could have put something like this on FB either. When you say you hadn't heard much about it since, had you contacted him, only to have him ignore you? If so, that sounds very upsetting.

 

The comment about the ring for sale is absolutely outrageous - but it does say something about the sister-in-law's friend. And the fact that she's messaging you about it tells you that, actually, she doesn't really know what's going on either. Otherwise she'd know from your sister-in-law that it's not the wedding ring at all ...

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I realize that it's not about me and my feelings, and I am sympathetic for my brother above all. My sister in law has never tried to be a part of our family, and she is not really good for him and their financial welfare... but I am sad for my brother, and for the rest of my family.

 

They didn't even post a message. They simply changed their relationship statuses at first to "it's complicated" then they erased their relationship statuses altogether. That is my brother's style though, non-confrontational, non-communicative, so it makes sense. I sent him a message when I saw what was going on, and never heard back. I just think it's in really poor taste. But, oh well. That's a sign of the times I guess.

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