How Do You Un-Kill Someone?

[andomain]

I don't usually post things in forums, but I'm going to now. I'm going nuts.

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend shortly after Valentines day. We did the whole "friends" thing for about 2 years and then I finally decided I wanted to be with him (we were pretty much together anyway, so I figured why not)

 

I treated him HORRIBLY from day one. He tried so hard to get in, but I wouldn't let him. When we fought, he would always apologize to me (even if it was my fault, which it was most of the time) I tore him down, ripped his heart out on a daily basis, but he still stayed.

 

I didn't know I wanted him. The whole time, I was busy making him feel like less than human, and I didn't care. I would apologize, but whatever it was was ALWAYS because HE MADE ME behave that way. I never took any responsibility for my own actions.

 

I made him feel like he wasn't good enough for me.. When I told him I loved him, I would say "I love you, sometimes" I made him feel ugly, stupid, and worthless. I wanted things to be ok. I wanted to be IN LOVE with him, but I didn't feel like I was. I loved him, but never felt IN LOVE with him. Until now. Now that I have a feeling its too late

 

he is the greatest thing thats ever happened to me, and I pushed him away. I beat the hell out of him and THEN shoved him out the door.

 

he says he still loves me, but he needed time to "think" I don't know what that means, and it scares me. he said that no matter what I will always be a part of his life and I will not lose him, but he has shut me out. I want to blame him, but I can't. I did this to myself and I know it.

 

We have emailed a few times, doing the "friendly" thing, and I kept telling him I was ok. he said he was ok, hurt but ok. he still wasnt ready to talk to me though on the phone. I wasn't ready to talk to him on the phone either.. I am now, but he still isnt talking to me.. in fact the last email I sent him I told him exactly how I feel. I apologized sincerely, made a complete ass out of myself. I told him I didn't know if I could just be friends with him. I told him I wanted to get back together and make things work.

 

No answer.

 

The ball is in his court now and I'm terrified that he wont throw it back. If he loves me as much as I know he does, I really don't understand why he's not talking to me.. Isn't that what people do when they love each other? I don't understand this whole "I need time" thing. Time to figure out that he really is fine without me? I know he loves me, and I KNOW I LOVE HIM. It took this huge drama of breaking up and really being hurt by it, to figure that out for myself. I feel like I've killed someone and I want desperately to bring them back, but I have no control over it.

 

he is hurting right now, he has made that very clear. I want to make things better. I have made THAT very clear, but he's still not talking to me.

 

I told him I know something has been broken, but its nothing we can't rebuild and make into something even better, If he would only let me back in.

 

It's SO hard keeping myself from emailing him again.. Today I gassed up my car and took off work early to go up and talk to him (he lives 3 hours away.. a BIG issue in our relationship) but I changed my mind. He knows how I feel, and as much as I want to talk to him and work things out, I know if I go up there and force the issue I would really be shooting myself in the foot, and making myself look like a desperate crazy girl.

 

I've made an ass out of myself enough I think. Pride was something that was very important to me. I swallowed it completely, and put myself out on the line. I feel like I've totally humiliated myself for nothing.

 

I could get over him, but I don't WANT to get over him. We fit in every way imaginable, but I refused to really let him in. Now I'm scared its too late. I really didn't know what I had until it was gone. I miss him horribly, and i'm SO scared of being without him forever.

 

Today is the first day I haven't tried to contact him at all. All of this is still really new and I really don't know what to do. I've been a horrible * * * * * to every guy i've ever been with and I ended up pushing them all away forever. I can't lose this one. I don't WANT to lose this one. He was my best friend, and I killed him. How do you revive someone you have killed?

[Zeitgeist]

Start by giving him some space and time. This serves two purposes. It gives him some room to get over his resentment of you. It also gives YOU the chance to work on your issues. It's not enough that you recognize that you have them. If you were to get back together right now, it's highly likely that you would fall back into the same patterns. You're used to doing it. It's not like you did it before because you wanted to. So look at it this way, the time off will allow you to try to fix your issues and thus, by extension, give the best possible chance at reviving the relationship. If you don't and you go back into the relationship before you're ready, you're going to kill it permanently.

 

IMHO, the likelihood is very VERY high that he will come back again the near future to test the waters, so try not to worry about "losing" him. His feelings won't go away that easily. In the meantime, work on the self-reflection and figure out why you say or do the things you did, that you now regret. This board is a good place to test out your thoughts and ideas. When he does come back, you can test yourself. Try to set a standard for your own behavior and words in certain situations. Then see if you can meet that when you are around him.

[andomain]

Thank you. I can't argue. I know you're right. I guess I just wanted someone to tell me all is not lost. It feels lost. He said HE feels lost. I know I feel lost.

 

How much time do you think it will take for him to talk to me again? I know thats a silly question and no one can answer it except him.. but this whole thing is absolutely killing me. I'm not a patient person, but I'm doing my very best.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it greatly.

[annie24]

hi - well, to be honest with you, i think you just need to hang back and give him space. you were horrible to him, treated him like crap, and there is a very good chance that he will say he doesn't want to go back to you, why would things be different, why will you suddenly start treating him better? i was once in his shoes, where i was in love with a guy and he was horrible to me. so, eventually i broke it off with him. he came back years later, telling me it was the biggest mistake of his life and asking me to take him back, he promised that he had changed, that he was ready to be the man i wanted/needed. i said no way. i was just hurt way too deeply by him. i was able to forgive him - forgiving in the sense that everyone makes mistakes.... but i wasn't able to forget and i couldn't take him back. i was just hurt too deeply.

 

i also might have taken him back - but he was very impatient and wouldn't give me the space/time i needed to sort things out in my head.

 

i don't know what decision your ex will make, but i think you should do some serious work on yourself, and learn to treat your next bf better, and figure out why you were so horrible to your best friend. i recommend counseling. good luck

[top bloke]

You killed the guys spirit I am sorry to say.If he comes back it will be a miracle.You dont deserve that treatment and neither did he from you..

[andomain]

Thank you for your reply as well. I know I need to give him time. I understand him needing time, and I do know I need to work on myself. I can't say that he was 100% innocent, although I do take most of the blame.

 

We have had a long distance relationship for the last 2 years. He still lives with his mother, (he is 30 years old) and is completely devoted to her. Thats a big reason for part of the way I treated him, but I should have been more understanding about the situation, but the way I treated him was wrong no matter how you look at it.

[annie24]

I've been a horrible * * * * * to every guy i've ever been with and I ended up pushing them all away forever. I can't lose this one.

 

i think you should really go to therapy and explore this issue - why do you keep pushing the men in your life away? that's an important question to ask, and i think you need to get to the bottom of it before you can have a successful relationship.

[andomain]

To you Top Bloke,

 

I know I killed his spirit. I am completely to blame for that, but he has his issues as well. I don't know if I would say it would be a miracle if he comes back to me. I know he still loves me and I know I love him. If he doesn't come back to me I will accept it and move on. I don't want to, but I will.

[top bloke]

I think you need to see a counsellor. You had a loving man and rejected him badly. What happens if he comes back...what will you do? How will you treat him.?

[andomain]

Believe me, I have been exploring it.. Not for LONG, but I definitely have been exploring it. I'm not trying to make excuses by bringing up his mother issues. I know I could have been dealing with all of that in a totally different way. I have no good excuses for my behavior. Fear is the first thing that pops into my mind. Fear of giving up control. Fear of being hurt, but I did bring it on myself. I crushed his soul before he could crush mine.. But my soul is crushed anyway now. I did a good job of making sure that would happen I suppose.

[andomain]

I can't say that I'm going to become a totally different person, if he comes back, but the cruelty would stop. THAT much I am sure of, and yes I am SURE of it.

 

I love him with every fiber of my being, and I would do just about anything to prove that to him. I've done all I can do for now, aside from driving up there and begging for his forgiveness, which I will not do. almost did, but I stopped myself.

[top bloke]

Believe me, I have been exploring it.. Not for LONG, but I definitely have been exploring it. I'm not trying to make excuses by bringing up his mother issues. I know I could have been dealing with all of that in a totally different way. I have no good excuses for my behavior. Fear is the first thing that pops into my mind. Fear of giving up control. Fear of being hurt, but I did bring it on myself. I crushed his soul before he could crush mine.. But my soul is crushed anyway now. I did a good job of making sure that would happen I suppose.

 

Fear is a natural emotion that when used can bring about powerful changes in our lives. Fear also holds us back from being the best people we can if we let it rule our minds. Please realise somethnig..we owe it to ourselves to live one good day at least on this earth so get a grip on your fear and anger. You dont have to be afraid of the man who loves you dearly in his heart..the man who was commited to lay down his life to protect his love...you. You see only you have the power to control the power of your emotions over your mind. Reign them in and you will be free of the nemesis which has caused the rift with your man. Only then can you be ready to open your heart fully and love fully. I like you and sympathise but please re read what I have just posted and acknowledge that you are responsible for positive action in your life so please do it or get some help..please do it..please do it for all of us who see your anguish right now and wish we can give you a big group hug because you need to change...

[top bloke]

I can't say that I'm going to become a totally different person, if he comes back, but the cruelty would stop. THAT much I am sure of, and yes I am SURE of it.

 

I love him with every fiber of my being, and I would do just about anything to prove that to him. I've done all I can do for now, aside from driving up there and begging for his forgiveness, which I will not do. almost did, but I stopped myself.

 

Go and get help but tell him.I think this is your biggest chance because it would be hard for him to give himself to you after the suffereing as you are ..Dont you agree?

[andomain]

Thats what i'm trying to do. Thats what I AM doing. I don't think he would want me to change myself completely. he did fall in love with me for a reason, he fell in love with everything except the cruel part, and thats the part I have to change. I just hope its not too late to save what we had. It's not like I treated him like crap EVERY day, but apparently I did do it one too many times. I regret every single time, but theres nothing I can do to change the past.

[top bloke]

He fell in love with you because you are beautiful to him in many ways that most men just cant describe about their partners. the english language just seems to lack the words to describe.Get help hon. Your a good person held back by this internal problem which needs addressing..Fix that and then you have a better chance to reconcile the relationship..tell him though so if there is a flicker of hope then he may wait for you ..

[andomain]

I can't say reading everyone telling me I need a shrink, helps my state of mind any, but I do understand why it's being said.

[top bloke]

I think you are a smart girl. Most people I know have seen a shrink if you must know even me. There is no shame in admitting a problem and you can be alot better for it. Can you deal with it yourself? Will you treat him kindly? You have the choices to use your loss for improvement of your self.

[andomain]

I'm not against seeing shrinks. I have seen many in my days to be honest.

 

Not trying to take the blame off myself here, but aren't ALL women guilty of treating members of the opposite sex like crap at some point or another? I have a lot of guy friends and they're always talking about how "evil" women are. I never put myself into that category, in fact I agreed with them, not fully realizing I was talking about myself.

 

i get along GREAT with guy FRIENDS, but as soon as I start developing feelings for a guy. I turn into a very controlling person. I never really saw that before. I would just treat them like crap and think it was for their own good.

[top bloke]

So how can you get close to someone with that problem? You need to solve it or get it solved with help

[top bloke]

why do you want to hurt men that get close to you? Why are you really afraid? Has something happened in the past??

Evil and good are choices we all make.

[top bloke]

I want to help you.I feel helpless waiting here

Edit...thanks for your communication ..we shall resume when you get back...

[1MoreChance]

hey sweetie sorry you are in such agony.

congradulations on your one day being able to control yourself from contacting him. take it one day at a time.

you say you have always done this type of pushing guys away. how about trying to get some help for yourself instead of trying to get him back? I think you will go back to your old ways if you both get back together. you are in panic and guilt and remorse mode right now.

i think you need to be with yourself and learn to befriend yourself and address your issues (which seem serious) and get some help.

I don't know what your issues are but try to seek a therapist to help you. you must find the source of your behavior / emotions in order to change them. you must learn to care for yourself and forgive yourself.

you can do it. you didn't kill him. you hurt him and now he needs time and space. give him time and space. In time you will be able to get your thinking straighter and ask for forgiveness if you wish to, by voice or letter...

don,t be too hard on yourself. the past is the past, it is what it is. you have NOW to start changing yourlife and yourself.

take care

[1MoreChance]

I'm not against seeing shrinks. I have seen many in my days to be honest.

 

Not trying to take the blame off myself here, but aren't ALL women guilty of treating members of the opposite sex like crap at some point or another? I have a lot of guy friends and they're always talking about how "evil" women are. I never put myself into that category, in fact I agreed with them, not fully realizing I was talking about myself.

 

i get along GREAT with guy FRIENDS, but as soon as I start developing feelings for a guy. I turn into a very controlling person. I never really saw that before. I would just treat them like crap and think it was for their own good.

 

"Not trying to take the blame off myself here, but aren't ALL women guilty of treating members of the opposite sex like crap at some point"

 

Denial talking, and yes you are trying to take the responsibility off of yourself.

 

"I get along GREAT with guy FRIENDS, but as soon as I start developing feelings for a guy. I turn into a very controlling person."

 

You have fear and trust issues . you are very scared WITHIN THE REALM OF INTIMACY and that is why you are controlling. get help.

[dr seuss]

Andomain,

As someone who has known you for many years , I can say that I had to laugh when the other posters say you need to seek professional help. roflmao! (no offense).

You are complex, very complex, and one of the most intelligent people I know. You are hypercritical though of many things, yourself especially. As you know, and all your'e friends are aware of also , is your overly heightened sense of guilt.

I dont believe you are a bad person at all. I think some of what you have said about how "terrible" you are , is an exaggeration, derived from a overwhelming feeling of guilt.You know it's true, I do the same thing.}

However,I realize on any " relationship forum" such as this , the simplest answer to give, is the all too convenient " seek professional help". Though some people may infact need "professional help" I think that we as a society use that as a crutch when we dont have an immediate answer.

This is a society based on the premise of " immediate gratification" as being what is important. Somehow the virtue of "patience" has gotten lost in the shuffle.

 

Working through ANY relationship problem takes time, and doesnt necessarily require a shrink to take huge sums of money from you in order for the problem to be solved.

The key to resolving a problem is to fully understand the other person's perspective, and them yours, and then to make a mutual effort to understand each others feelings without letting our egos and pride distort and ruin our progress. I know its easier said than done, and there will be mistakes along the way. The resolution can not be achieved instantly, nor should it be. It is the mistakes that we make along the way that cause us to grow and learn more about ourselves.

[andomain]

I don't think I'm a BAD person.. I never said I thought I was a BAD person, but you are right about the guilt.

 

I went from blaming him for EVERYTHING, directly to blaming MYSELF for everything, and I believe he is busy blaming himself for everything right now as well, and we are not talking so nothing can be fixed. That part REALLY frustrates me. I know thats what he's doing. he blames himself the same way I blame myself, but instead of talking to me or ANYONE for that matter, he shuts himself off and hides.