How Do You Un-Kill Someone?

[sbux_addict]

All I can say is, you deserve it.

 

I'm so glad that he finally saw the light and was able to break free from such a horrible person as you. I honestly think that the only reason that you want him back is because he doesn't want to put up with your cr** anymore and therefore you have no one to put down anymore, maybe making you feel less powerful.

 

I say let this person go and start looking deep inside you and work on your issues. If you truly love this person, you will let him go. I doubt after your mistreatment he will come back, but that's the lesson you have to pay for horrible behavior.

 

You can't blame anyone but yourself - you knew what you were doing, you knew what you were doing was horrible, and yet you still did it...until it's too late. I don't think you really loved this person, so please, do him a favor and let him go.

[andomain]

and no, I wasn't trying to to take the blame off myself. I know how I treated him was wrong in a lot of ways, but I am human. I am a woman. He is actually more of a woman than I am in a lot of ways. I wanted him to be stronger and more assertive, but I did push too hard and I did it in the wrong way.

 

Now I can't get through to him at all. I've done everything I know how to do. If he wants to wallow in self pity (the same way I have been doing) and not talk to me about it, theres nothing more I can do.

 

Maybe he doesn't love me as much as I thought he did. I find that really hard to believe, because he made it very clear CONSTANTLY, but now he's just seemed to give up completely.

[sbux_addict]

Maybe he doesn't love me as much as I thought he did. I find that really hard to believe, because he made it very clear CONSTANTLY, but now he's just seemed to give up completely.

 

Puh-lease! Loving someone doesn't mean they will let you completely run them over 10000xx and still take you back.

 

You're a bully and I'm glad he loves himself enough to not put up with you anymore.

[andomain]

listen sbux addict,

 

I know you have every right to your opinion and by me posting on here, I left myself wide open for harsh criticism, but your reply was not helpful in any way whatsoever.

 

isn't that what these forums are all about? trying to help each other through things and figure stuff out?

 

I am not a horrible person, although I do admit to doing some horrible things.

 

Telling a stranger what a horrible person they are, telling them how they deserve to suffer is not so different than what I was doing to him.

 

Welcome to the club my friend.

[top bloke]

Firstly ..guilt is the first step to self realisation. Perhaps this her first step to reconcile her issues. No one has a right to judge someone trying to improve on the ways of the past

[Mavh25]

You sound like one of those people who like to push and push and push and see how far they can push people before they give in, so you can eventually say "See! you really don't love me like you said you did!"

 

the comments "If he wants to wallow in self pity" would'nt you be? he has every right to be doing whatever he wants right now, do you really think he will come and seek your comfort when he's never gotten it before?

 

You should leave him alone, atleast for a while. As Top Bloke says, go get some help, whether its just in the form of your friends and family or some other kind.

 

You are'nt going to change within a tiny amount of time, and he knows that so you should give him this break and make changes.

 

I am not trying to sound harsh, but it does just sound like you're p***ed he left you, and that he is'nt crawling back to you right now. You are'nt in control anymore like you like to be and it seems to be frustrating to you. You say you love him very much, I don't doubt that you care about him, but I would'nt let those feelings cloud the possibility that you may just want him back because you do not like the fact that he does'nt need you anymore.

[andomain]

Thank you. They can judge all they want, but I think condemning me for actions that I realize and admit were wrong, is pretty wrong itself.

[top bloke]

dr suess.. People recommend proffessional help because it can take so dam long. it i am extending my heart to this girl and if she wants i am happy to give my time to try to help via pm if she chooses. This woman stuffed up but doesnt mean she cant be helped. Pm is your friend if your up for the truth and

A step in the right direction

[sbux_addict]

listen sbux addict,

 

I know you have every right to your opinion and by me posting on here, I left myself wide open for harsh criticism, but your reply was not helpful in any way whatsoever.

 

isn't that what these forums are all about? trying to help each other through things and figure stuff out?

 

I am not a horrible person, although I do admit to doing some horrible things.

 

Telling a stranger what a horrible person they are, telling them how they deserve to suffer is not so different than what I was doing to him.

 

Welcome to the club my friend.

 

Well, now you know how it feels like to hear things you don't like to hear.

 

How is my post not helpful? I'm trying to point out to you that what you did was horrible. I do think that you deserve what happened - I don't think there's any other way around it.

 

I am a product of a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship, that's why I have ZERO tolerance for people like you.

 

THank you.

[Mavh25]

Lets face it, if it was a man posting this, all the woman and men would be telling him that he does'nt deserve the woman..

 

Noones trying to be rude to you andomain. I know you realise what you did was wrong, but I think maybe its too little too late. You wore him down and now he is out he will get some strength to move on. You may not even realise the extent to which you have damaged this guy. This is a case of, if you love him, let him be.

[andomain]

You are right to a certain degree, but like I said no one here knows me, or knows the complete story, and I yes I "would be" I AM wallowing in self pity. We both are. The problem is we are not communicating. If we could communicate I KNOW things would be ok. I'm not in "denial" about anything. I think I've made that pretty clear.

 

I know he will talk to me again, I just don't know when. In the meantime I wanted to talk to as many people as I could, including strangers. Which is why I'm here.

[dr seuss]

dr suess.. People recommend proffessional help because it can take so dam long. it i am extending my heart to this girl and if she wants i am happy to give my time to try to help via pm if she chooses. This woman stuffed up but doesnt mean she cant be helped. Pm is your friend if your up for the truth and

A step in the right direction

 

I should clarify, I do acknowledge that some people need expensive professional counselling, but many times relationship problems can be solved with time, mutual understanding , respect, and communications. I think sometimes people panic too quickly when a problem cannot be solved immediately..

Top bloke, I also want to acknowledge your sincerety, you have good insight, as do alot of people do , even though some others on here may be overly sensitized based on their prior relationships experienced and are lashing out at andomain unjustly without knowing the facts. To those people, I encourage them to seek profesional help. They appear to possibley have a residual psychosis brought on by their past experience, and use lashing out at others or as they say" zero tolerance" as a means to cope, but is self destructive. My heart goes out to them.

[andomain]

your post was not helpful because you are pointing things out that I already stated.

 

I know I deserved what happened as well, but I don't deserve to be condemned by you or anyone else for that matter.

 

I'm sorry you suffered, but don't hate me because of the way you were treated by someone else.

 

People like me? You don't even know me. You're judging me and condemning me simply from what I chose to write on here. I guess I can't blame you for that. I chose to write something that painted me in a very bad way, and it was true, but there really is a lot more to the story.

 

we created this mess together.

[top bloke]

I should clarify, I do acknowledge that some people need expensive professional counselling, but many times relationship problems can be solved with time, mutual understanding , respect, and communications. I think sometimes people panic too quickly when a problem cannot be solved immediately..

Top bloke, I also want to acknowledge your sincerety, you have good insight, as do alot of people do , even though some others on here may be overly sensitized based on their prior relationships experienced and are lashing out at andomain unjustly without knowing the facts. To those people, I encourage them to seek profesional help. They appear to possibley have a residual psychosis brought on by their past experience, and use lashing out at others or as they say" zero tolerance" as a means to cope, but is self destructive. My heart goes out to them.

 

I am not here to save a relationship which she beated to a pulp.My question is who is going to help her realise and change the self destructive behaviour.

I dont feel like letting her go back out there with the same problem because it is a waste of an intelligent woman who will never know how to llet herself be loved.

[andomain]

the only person who is going to help me realize and change my behavior is me.

 

you guys seem to be totally bypassing the fact that I have admitted my wrong doings, and I understand what I have done.

 

You're all treating it as if i'm still behaving this way, and somehow you KNOW i will continue to do so, unless i get professional help.

 

I'm not denying my bad behavior. not trying to cover it up. i've just put it out there for the whole world to see and scrutinize.

 

i do appreciate ALL feedback, even the hateful ones.

[andomain]

I'm not even exactly sure why I'm here to tell you the truth.

 

Perhaps it was a bad idea.

 

I'm suffering just as much as he is, and it kills me knowing that he's hurting. Believe that or not, its true.

 

Talking about it on here is getting me nowhere. I know I need to give him time. If he decides to open back up I will let him in and treat him the way i should have been treating him the whole time. I'm not saying we will never fight again, but the cruelty will stop. That much i am sure of. If he decides not to talk to me again, I will accept it and move on. Thats all I can do.

[sbux_addict]

your post was not helpful because you are pointing things out that I already stated.

 

I know I deserved what happened as well, but I don't deserve to be condemned by you or anyone else for that matter.

 

I'm sorry you suffered, but don't hate me because of the way you were treated by someone else.

 

People like me? You don't even know me. You're judging me and condemning me simply from what I chose to write on here. I guess I can't blame you for that. I chose to write something that painted me in a very bad way, and it was true, but there really is a lot more to the story.

 

we created this mess together.

 

Well, if your idea of getting advice from people or being helpful is asking people to sympathize with you and sugar coat you and tell you what you want to hear, then I don't think that's being helpful at all. The other poster was right in that, if you were a man, you probably would be chastised worse than how you're being treated right now.

 

This is your situation, I don't need people saying sorry about my situation. I'm merely saying that I don't usually react this way with posters, but I know how it's like to be treated exactly the way you treated your ex-bf. I'm not creating a mess - please, I got better things to do.

 

Good for you that you want to change - I'd give you that. But don't come here expecting people to sympathize with you.

 

Other than that, I got nothing else to say to you.

[top bloke]

the only person who is going to help me realize and change my behavior is me.

 

you guys seem to be totally bypassing the fact that I have admitted my wrong doings, and I understand what I have done.

 

You're all treating it as if i'm still behaving this way, and somehow you KNOW i will continue to do so, unless i get professional help.

 

I'm not denying my bad behavior. not trying to cover it up. i've just put it out there for the whole world to see and scrutinize.

 

i do appreciate ALL feedback, even the hateful ones.

If you are able to win with a shift of your mind then good luck to you god bless.

Peace unto you cya.

[andomain]

miss addict,

 

I meant him and I created this mess together.. not YOU and I.

[FreedomRing]

This is the bottom line, imo. Based on this, it's obvious that you don't respect who he is, as a person. So say you do start working on yourself...how is that going to relate to your view of him as being weak and non-assertive? No matter how much work you do on yourself, he is who HE is. Are you willing to accept him AS he is, is the question?

[Kiteless]

You killed the guys spirit I am sorry to say.If he comes back it will be a miracle.You dont deserve that treatment and neither did he from you..

 

I got a second chance from the guy who's spirit I killed. I realized my mistakes, owned up to them, told him how I could fix things, and changed immediately. It took him some time, but I was lucky enough to get a chance to prove myself.

 

If you can get a second chance, it isn't easy once you do. You can't fall back into old behaviors, at all.

[andomain]

here is the story.

 

When I met him i wasn't sure i wanted to be with him as more than friends. He wasn't my type physically, but there was something about him that I really did like a lot. We became very fast friends, but we also started having sex. Why, I'm really not sure. I told him over and over again that we needed to not have sex and just be friends, but we always ended up having sex (partly my fault, partly his) I was really confused about it because I had never been in that kind of situation before. I've never really been friends with any of my boyfriends. Just jumped right in to a relationship with all of them.. but with him it was very different. The sex should not have happened, it led to a lot of confusion. But we did become very good friends through all the confusion. we would talk to each other every Night on the phone for HOURS, and i mean EVERY night for up to 5 or 6 hours.. we have been doing that for 2 years. I would also go up and see him on wknds, and he would come down here and see me on wknds. I loved him with all of my heart, but I wasnt in love with him.. he was very clearly in love with me. I WANTED desperately to be in love with him. here was this great wonderful guy.. why couldnt i BE IN LOVE WITH HIM?? because he LET me walk all over him.. THATS WHY. he even told me on several occasions that part of him LIKED to be treated that way. he got some sort of twisted pleasure out of it I guess, thats what he said anyway.. I dont know if that was just an excuse for him to save face or what.

 

another thing was that I was pretty much always the one calling HIM. That was a big issue as well. I would call him out of the blue, just because... he rarely did that..

 

His brother was/is also a big issue.. his brother is a grade A a**hole.. can i say that? no one in his family likes him, but they put up with him because he is family, at least thats what they have told me. When me and Ben were on the phone he would start crap with ben, and even insult me over the phone for being "rude" by calling ben when he was there. his brother hated me as soon as he realized ben was in a serious relationship with me. Ben lets him interfere with our relationship. his brother would NEVER stand for ben interfering with HIS relationships, but ben lets him. I am not the only one he lets walk all over him. he lets EVERYONE he cares about walk all over him.

 

He lives with his mother right now, because she is alone and needed help fixing up the house.. I went down there once and re-did her whole dining room, re-tiled the floor and everything to surprise her.. got it all done before she got home from work.

 

I like his mom. I really do, but she treats ben more like a husband than a son. she doesnt want to let him go. he is all she has. I understand that, but thats been a big issue as well.

 

I wanted him to stand up for himself.. not just with me, but to EVERYONE. start living for himself.. he is a VERY talented artist. he went to school for 6 years and has all kinds of degrees.. but he is living with his mother in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere.. wasting his talents and wasting his life to take care of his mother and make sure his brother is entertained. His mother can take care of herself, she just doesnt want to be alone. his brother is just a jerk.

 

I've tried to talk to him about all of this.. we've had many fights about it and he agrees that those things ARE problems, but he refuses to do anything about it.

 

I could not be IN LOVE with someone who has no backbone. when I broke up with him, and he refused to talk to me, that showed a backbone, as much as it hurts me, and as mad as I was and am that he is not talking to me, its exactly what I wanted.I'm not saying I wanted him to stop talking to me, but he is showing strength now, and its made me see him differently. funny how that works.

 

Its all still pretty confusing to me, but i know I do love him, and I know he loves me, but we BOTH have issues. Issues that can not be resolved if we are not talking to each other.

[lady00]

I got a second chance from the guy who's spirit I killed. I realized my mistakes, owned up to them, told him how I could fix things, and changed immediately. It took him some time, but I was lucky enough to get a chance to prove myself.

 

If you can get a second chance, it isn't easy once you do. You can't fall back into old behaviors, at all.

 

I think this advice is spot on. You really have to change and stick to it. It's change on your part + his forgiveness that could make things work. It's not impossible. But it will take work on your part and faith in you on his part.

[JadedStar]

You killed the guys spirit I am sorry to say.If he comes back it will be a miracle.You dont deserve that treatment and neither did he from you..

 

Yes, I agree. If he were the one asking the question we'd no doubt tell him to run and not look back...and i have to say to you the same only that I am saying LET him run and not look back.

 

YOu treated him horribly and he needs to move on to try to rebuild his self esteem elsewhere.

 

And you should move on as well. And take these as hard lessons learned for the future.

[lady00]

I think you first and foremost, as you've already recognized need to give him some space and time.