Sometimes the Truth Hurts

[SuperDave71]

We often assume that just because we have been in an intimate relationship for any length of time that the other partner owes us something when things take a turn for the worse. No matter how much you hurt or want them back, you feel cheated when they refuse to give you the answers you need. We all have our reasons for closure yet some of us never get the closure we need and others refuse to face the truth that the relationship is really over.

 

 

 

I will be the first to tell you that hearing the phrase “we need to talk” usually sends goose-flesh up and down my spine just because of the pretence of what it usually means. I can mentally rub the walls of my heart and feel the scars each love that left made and I can often recall how I felt when they ended it. I have heard them all:

 

 

1. “It’s not you, it’s me”

2. “I think we should see other people”

3. “We are just not compatible”

4. “I met someone else”

5. “I don’t love you anymore”

6. “I’m just not happy”

7. “I just don’t want to be In a relationship anymore”

8. “I need some space”

9. “We should just be friends”

10. “I love you like a brother”

 

 

After a while you begin to wonder what you’ve done right or was there anything you did that was good while you were together. Just to be clear and honest, I take responsibility for my part of any failed relationship but I refuse to ever blame myself. What does blaming do? Does it change your current situation? No. Does it make you look any better in the eyes of your ex? No. Does it make you feel instantly better? No.

 

 

 

What I have discovered in my experience is that I just want the truth. I don’t care for excuses. I don’t want someone to beat around the bush. I don’t want someone to treat me badly in order for me to break up with them so they don’t have to feel guilty. I don’t want someone to tell me anything about my partner and what they did or had been doing. I only want the truth. I will be the first to tell you, the honest truth can be more painful than the separation or break itself. For instance, who wants to hear that their partner was out kissing someone else while you were out with friends? Who wants to hear that your partner is secretly seeing someone else while you work at night? Who wants to hear that when you were out of town on business, your partner slept with someone else in your own bed? OUCH! Please keep in mind, these are only examples but we have all heard or possibly have our own horror stories. Why do we tend to feel so horrible when we hear the truth and why is it other just plain refuse to hear the truth?

 

 

 

Let’s dig a little deeper shall we…

 

 

 

The Truth and Nothing But the Truth

 

 

Have any of your old partners ever been 100% honest with you when it came to breaking up? I have and I cannot tell you how much I respected them then and now. I may not have liked what they had to hear but I was man enough to take it and I got over it much faster and even thanked them after time passed. Closure is getting the truth; nothing more, nothing less. When partners seek closure they want to know exactly why the other wants to break and how they came to such a conclusion. Sometimes people don’t know what they want so they break it off with a partner just because if they don’t know what they want how can they know they want to be in a relationship? I have been foolish enough to take someone’s words like “We need space” and respect their wishes as they are out sleeping around with someone who was in the shadows for weeks before the separation. Here I was thinking I will give them the time they need out of my love for them and they ended up stabbing me in the back and heart at the same time.

 

 

 

When someone tells you it’s over, the best thing to do it accept it. The sooner you do, the sooner you will start to feel better. I didn’t say this was an easy process but I take people words as what they mean. I have been the poster child of “You don’t really mean it do you”? way too many times in my life to not believe what they say. The sooner you learn to accept it is over, the sooner you will begin the healing process. Back up for one second and read that last line again. I stated the sooner you will begin the healing process but I refuse to say how long it will take. No one knows the answer to this but you. I guess you can look at it like a cut. The sooner you disinfect it and cover it with a bandage, the sooner it will heal. The more you don’t take care of it, the longer it will take and the more possibility of a noticeable scar.

 

 

 

There are no “What if’s” in this equation. The more you try and give credit to someone after they told you it was over, the longer you will sit around waiting for them to come back to you. Do you like to wait? Ever waited in a long line? Ever waited to board a plane? Ever waited for concert tickets? No one likes to wait but we do because we have to in order to take care of business. I know what you’re thinking. You want to tell me “Good things come to those who wait” and I concur. But waiting for someone who ISN’T waiting for you is just PLAIN FOOLISH.

 

 

 

No one said this would be easy. Healing is a gradual process but the key is knowing you will eventually feel better if you want to. Sitting around moping is not going to speed your recovery. Thinking your ex is waiting by the phone for you to call is you trying to visualize what it is your heart wants. You are hoping they are wanting you back but you don’t know so you choose to think about it or “wish” it. I wish I was a millionaire and I can wish it all I want but probability says it will not come true if I merely “wish” it too happen and do nothing. The same applies for healing. If you want to heal yet do nothing to help yourself, why would you expect your heat to heal any faster?

 

 

 

The bottom line is we all want to feel loved and respected. If someone says it’s over, then try and understand that this is for the best regardless of what it is you want. Why try to convince someone that they are making a mistake when they don’t see it they way you do? Why beg and plead for someone to stay when their heart has already packed up and walked out the door? Begging, pleading, crying, stalking, texting, emailing constantly is not going to make someone’s heart comes back. You are going to make yourself seem childish, less mature and possibly show your ex that they are doing the right thing but leaving you. Don’t do it.

 

 

Refusing Not to Accept the Truth

 

 

I hate to admit it but I am somewhat of an expert in this area. For years I assumed I was the perfect catch. Not in an arrogant way but I thought I had it all figured out. I was respectable, loving, kind, gentle, giving, honest and trustworthy. What took me the hardest time to realize is that when someone treats you exactly how you want to be treated and makes you happy but DOESN’T MEAN THEY WILL LOVE AND STAY WITH YOU. I had a horrible time seeing things from other people’s perspective. I was a great listener but what I mean is I thought if I gave 100% of me to someone they would want to stay and give me 100% right back. THIS was not the case. This was a hard lesson for me back in my younger days because I thought I was doing exactly what they wanted me to do. When someone tells you it’s over, you tend to want to try harder than to give up.

 

 

 

I would often tell myself, “I love this girl and I am going to fight harder to keep her”. Oh the agony! I would cater to my ex’s, buy them expensive gifts, flowers at work, write songs, mix CD’s or whatever else came to mind. What I did not realize is that I was making things worse. I assumed my gestures of love would SHOW or DEMONSTRATE my love for them when the truth be told, it was making me look desperate and needy. After years of doing this with several women, I got the hint. If you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result…well you get the idea.

 

 

 

The more we use our hearts to think, the more we get in trouble. I choose to never assume what someone is thinking. I ask unless they tell me. If they said they loved me then I would assume they did BUT I would expect actions to back it up. Why is it when people say it’s over that some just can’t accept it? “Oh they didn’t mean it. We are perfect for each other” they would tend to say. WRONG! You are assuming from YOUR point of view and not theirs. I would often believe my ex was sitting at home thinking of me. I had never been so horribly wrong. My ex said and did two things.

 

1. Said it was over

2. She left

 

 

Now I know this sounds a bit elementary but when your heart is involved it gets rather complicated if you let it. Why would I have assumed she was thinking of me or wanting to get back together in the above example? The answer is BECAUSE I WANTED HER TO WANT ME BACK.

 

 

The sooner I took her words and actions to be the truth, the sooner I always got back on my feet. We can hope for the best all we want but the way I see it is that is someone wants you badly enough, they will do anything to have you. The more we wait and wait and wait for an ex to come back, the longer the imaginary line gets. You will wait and wait. You might even wait so long that your ex is now dating, engaged or even married. Have you ever waited so long that you find out your ex is married and has kids? Why was it that you finally stopped waiting? What made you realize that they moved on possibly weeks before they broke it off with you? It has to do with being honest with yourself. It’s not easy getting over someone but you can do it. Realize that all things happen for a reason. You may not know what it is at the moment but I promise down the road you will understand.

 

 

 

The key to healing is you. You are responsible for your own thoughts, actions and feelings. There isn’t a drug in the world that can take away the memories of your past. You can’t turn love off like a light switch, it merely changes roles. Be grateful that you have felt love and even the heartache though difficult. Learn from your mistakes. Learn that no matter what that life keeps on moving forward. It doesn’t have to do with blaming your current situation on life giving you a unfair shake. It has to do with what you do with the circumstances that life throws at you. You are an extraordinary person. Live your life like there is no tomorrow.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[sosilver]

Thank you for this post....Its a great help

[SighSob]

I think that the key to moving on is to separate the thought of what your ex once was from the person she is now.

 

Our ex's loved us - they really did! We assume that just because they felt love for us for X months/years, they are supposed to keep on feeling it for the rest of their lives. It doesn't work this way (and I don't get why, if you ask me). I've bumped into some old texts of my ex and my jaw dropped: all kinds of "I love you", "I need you", "I can't live without you", "Please don't ever leave me", "You will be my treasure forever"...and what hurts the most is that she was honest!

[HoopUK]

Heh, yeah.

 

'I don't think anything could be dull if I were with you' was the one I saw recently. Eyes are stinging even writing that down.

[IMAbadman]

I only know that as long as I did the best I could, their reasons for leaving don't matter.

 

If someone doesn't want to be with me any longer, that is all I need to know.

 

 

Great job SuperDave! Good informative post.

 

Misskitty16, right on target girl. Those two lines above say volumes.

 

 

OK everyone... GROUP HUG!

[90_hour_sleep]

I will NEVER EVER again ask for the truth. If someone doesn't want to be with me any longer, that is all I need to know.

 

i would much rather have the truth. truth is absolute. even if the truth is ''i just don't know''. it's truth. i think it really depends on your own situation. while many situations are the same...many are unique. i think in these instances a more unique approach might be worthwhile. i agree with the main points of this thread...mainly that it is ultimately YOU who must decide what to do with your situation. regardless of what anyone tells you...it's only advice. it should not be taken as gospel. it should be absorbed...considered...and if applicable...applied by YOU to your own unique situation. i know people find comfort in being able to identify with other peoples' situations (i'm as guilty as the next guy)...but relationships are complicated...multi-faceted organisms. they live and breath. each one is as different as the two (or more) people who create it. i agree completely that you're in control of when you move on. it's definitely a choice. i just think it's worthwhile to be honest with yourself about your own situation. it's sometimes difficult to find trust in yourself when you're experiencing emotional turmoil...but i think it's probably the most important thing you can do for yourself.

[SuperDave71]

There is a huge difference in hearing the truth and facing the truth.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[90_hour_sleep]

There is a huge difference in hearing the truth and facing the truth.

 

i think some of us need to hear the truth before we can really face it.

[o_hopeless_o]

i love hearing the truth more and facing it then not at all. for me, i know i can get over it when it comes to things such as ex's and being hurt by them. thats just knowing me. i get infuriated when i hear something different then what they told me, and not that they have too but if they are willing to answer a question, be honest.

[UCLAMike]

Honesty stings, but it's the cure.

 

Euphemisms and evasion is a band-aid, and often a wrong size for the wound at that.

[SighSob]

What do you mean with "the truth"? I know my ex doesn't want to be together with me (she dumped me, duh), that's all I need to know. Why would I want to know the specific reasons? It's just additional un-needed pain. It's not evasion or euphemisms, more like refusing to hurt over something pointless.

[cristal]

I love the part where you said "to stop thinking with your heart". That has always been my problem and it has always over-ruled all logic.

 

You would have thought by now, that repetition would have taught me a lesson. LOL.

 

Truly brilliant post SD! This went straight through the heart.

[jasper01]

I have an additional thought about this that may or may not help depending.

 

A LOT of the time..more than most people will be willing to admit, the real reasons are generally not known by the person making the exit or pulling away.

 

What they say and do, and what is actually going on in them are certainly related. But they may not understand how. It took me a long time to see this.

 

If you do the work of learning to understand them without judgment, you're on the road to changing the situation - no matter what they are doing or who they are with.

[thelosingside]

I agree with your post very much could you please explain more on "If you do the work of learning to understand them without judgment, you're on the road to changing the situation" I'm just wondering I mean what is there to understand? Like why they broke up with you? or..? I would be very thankful if you could elaborate, thank you

In response to the original point of the post, I have to say I am for truth. I suspect part the reason us "guys" that have been dumped without a reason or one that made sense are being prohibited from moving on because of the lack of psychological closure. It's like having a puzzle and missing one piece before you can finish it and put it away it's so damn irritating. I'm for truth all the way, so ladies BE TRUTHFUL! It's alot more satisfying and psychologically helpful for you to give a damn reason instead of just pulling a houdini. Sorry I sound bitter, I guess I am. : /

[John Bendix]

I have an additional thought about this that may or may not help depending.

 

A LOT of the time..more than most people will be willing to admit, the real reasons are generally not known by the person making the exit or pulling away.

 

What they say and do, and what is actually going on in them are certainly related. But they may not understand how. It took me a long time to see this.

 

If you do the work of learning to understand them without judgment, you're on the road to changing the situation - no matter what they are doing or who they are with.

 

This a post with a key element in it. If they do not know but feel compelled to get out of the relationship, they will never to be able to truthfully tell you. Their emotional wall, created in self protection forbids them from feeling their own feelings and pain and certainly any attempt from someone else to "get in".

 

The point by SD, seems to me, is acceptance. Acceptance of what is right now is the key, to all of life. Doing otherwise is irrational and dysfunctional and will lead to more suffering.

 

Searching for the truth of why they need to do this, while all the while the truth is right there. The acceptance of the truth that they have left. Judging them (We have all been guilty of this) accomplishes little except retarding our acceptance which in turn leads to more suffering.

[journeynow]

...The point by SD, seems to me, is acceptance. Acceptance of what is right now is the key, to all of life. Doing otherwise is irrational and dysfunctional and will lead to more suffering.

 

Searching for the truth of why they need to do this, while all the while the truth is right there. The acceptance of the truth that they have left. Judging them (We have all been guilty of this) accomplishes little except retarding our acceptance which in turn leads to more suffering.

 

Well said. Thanks, John. It's simple, yet so difficult, because we choose or reject acceptance with each moment. It's continual. And often it is about accepting ourselves.

[mikeca]

Yet another good post, I suggest if you enjoy them go find and read through some of his older work, I'm not gonna bump anymore haha

[mad rabbits]

Many people lie, because they are weak - and because they are weak, they assume we are weak too, and would rather be placated with some BS.

 

It is our responsibility to determine our truth. Not THE truth as we may never know. We cannot rely on nor expect honesty from others.

 

And our truth is whatever one helps you walk away from that person that does not want you anymore.

[journeynow]

It is our responsibility to determine our truth. Not THE truth as we may never know. We cannot rely on nor expect honesty from others.

 

There is wisdom in this. Thank you, badhabits.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you cristal

 

-SuperDave71

[Yaz]

Is there any wisdom in getting the truth? Like asking why? I have read this is a bad idea if you want to reconcile (I am the dumpee).

I am aware of the hurt that this would cause me... just wondering if it'd help me heal better than I am.

[SuperDave71]

Yaz,

 

Let me ask you this, would it make a difference if you DID ask? What I am trying to say is would the ACTION behind it (the action of asking your ex why change your current situation) conclude to anything different?

 

 

Sometimes it is the words that AREN'T said that scream the loudest.

 

 

 

Thank you for your response.

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Yaz]

Thanks, Dave. I guess I'm just hoping and yearning for him.

He was so cruel to leave the way he did, with the door open at my side and (probably) closed on his. Closure has to come from within, and he has screamed it all over town that he doesn't want me (silently, of course).

He's not coming back. I can hear the words, I can understand them, but how do I face it and deal? How can I erase the hope he so callously left with me?

[SuperDave71]

Yaz,

 

 

What can you do to change his mind or heart? I know you know the answer to my silly question.

 

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Suzuha]

I understand that feeling of hope. Sometimes it kills you and other times keeps you going. It kept me going until I found out he had someone new. And rather quickly at that. While I have no idea what will help but I've always hated guessing. But it will hurt when he tells you and you'll end up regretting alot. That is what happened with me.