amanda50 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I've been to my first marriage counselling appt alone. Conclusion was that me and my husband were just good friends, that there is more to a relationship than just friends, the emotional side of our relationship is nonexistent and probably has been for a long time. She can also see why i am having an emotional affair with another guy from work. My husband will not discuss our relationship and just brushes it under the carpet and he knows about my emotional affair with this other guy. He's annoyed but forgets quickly and carries on as though nothing has happened. He is a happy calm kind of guy though. I am so attracted to this other guy. I know he likes me a lot from his actions but am not totally sure what he is after. We slept in the same bed a couple of times after nights out but he didnt try it on. I know he shouldn't be paying a married woman attention but I've been so vulnerable (depression which i'm being treated for) at times that the attention is sooo good. I feel like i am missing something from my life and am just not happy. I regret getting married, I was always anti marriage and am still. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 The solution to how you feel isn't going further into an affair, but continuing your counseling. Don't do any more things like sleeping in the same bed until you've really addressed your marital issues and decided whether you want to try to fix your marriage or divorce. If you are going to break up, adding adultery to the list before you do so just adds a heap of bitterness and angst to the divorce, and might make your husband less likely to go for an amicable divorce. So figure out whether your marriage should continue or not, and then if you do separate and divorce, you have plenty of time to date others. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 If you are that unhappy and are cheating on your husband, why not just separate and file for divorce? Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Amanda You can only control your actions. You cannot control his. If he is not interested in dwelling in reality and dealing with the situation at hand you are better off leaving. You mentioned he is laidback. Is it possible he is too laid back or too "nice" and unwilling to confront? Link to comment
amanda50 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 yes he is a nice guy and does not like confrontation at all. Leaving is difficult but will have to explore that avenue with my counselling. Its been a safe relationship so far, any problems have been forgotten and life has continued on until this emotional affair has rocked it all and made me think finally, after 20 years of being together. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Have you been married for 20 years? If you are so anti-marriage then how did you stay married that long and why do you still want to stay married? Link to comment
DN Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Your counsellor said she understood why you are having this emotional affair - but is she giving you 'permission' to do this in some way? Link to comment
amanda50 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Married 2.5 years, together a total of 20. Link to comment
amanda50 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Hmmm, i dont think she is giving me permission but see's, i think, that as i am not getting the emotional support in my marriage that is so needed, i am looking for it elsewhere and finding it. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 So you were together 17.5 years before getting married...was the emotional support not there for the 17.5 years or has it just been since the marriage. Link to comment
amanda50 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 My husband doesn't show emotions and never has when it comes to our relationship. Any emotion from me is not considered by him. To him we have a great relationship. To me we have a great friendship. Any problems are not discussed but forgotten. My cousellor says that a lot of pent up emotion can cause depression. I can believe it. The other guy is acting so considerate towards me that I feel it so lacking in my own relationship. I didnt really notice this until now. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 yes he is a nice guy and does not like confrontation at all. Leaving is difficult but will have to explore that avenue with my counselling. Its been a safe relationship so far, any problems have been forgotten and life has continued on until this emotional affair has rocked it all and made me think finally, after 20 years of being together. Amanda I am not one for fighting all the time however conflict is a natural and regular part of life. Its how people deal with it that matters. Your husband being the "nice" guy and avoiding the conflict has in a sense said you dont matter enough for him to bother fighting with you. Any issues you have are best forgotten about. Unfortunately they are never forgotten. They sit back somewhere in a dark corner of yours and his memory and fester like a wound. Like I said before he has to want to do this. There is help out there for people like him. For "nice" guys. He needs to have that passion in life that sometimes ends up resulting in conflict. It appears he doesnt and it has drained you. I can understand how that would be tough for you. Having said that. You need to do the right thing. That means ending this relationship if you are not going to try. Do not sell yourself short and cheat. It will not make you feel any better nor will it help you it will only complicate your emotions etc. End it before you head for greener pastures. That is the mature adult thing to do. You cannot live your life to the fullest with one foot in one relationship and another foot in another. You need to get all the way in with either one. Link to comment
DN Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 You are talking about your emotions, his lacking of showing emotions and not giving you emotional support that the other guy does. But what does that actually mean in real terms? What sort of emotional support are you talking about here? An example or two might help. Link to comment
amanda50 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Ok if I'm upset about something in the relationship, he does not want to talk about it, he doesn't consider that I am upset and need to talk. He gets angry and turns away from me. If I have problems outside of the relationship, he'll listen but contribute very little. The other guy is extremely helpful towards me at work and cant do enough to make my life easier at work ! He has time for me always. I've spoken about a couple of issues in confidence and he's been considerate about them. He listens and says the right kind of things that help. That's it in a nutshell. Link to comment
DN Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 The guy at work has no investment in a relationship with you. He doesn't live with you so he can talk about your problems, have a nice chat and go home at the end of his day - and leave them, and you, behind. He can take what he wants and leave the rest. Be very careful because if you leave your husband for this guy there is no guarantee that this 'support' will continue - especially if you were to move in together. The realities of life have a way of asserting themselves. Now about your relationship with your husband. You say he doesn't want to talk about problems - but do you mean he doesn't want to talk or that he doesn't want to listen? Do you want a monologue where you complain and he complies - or do you want a conversation where you both discuss, negotiate and compromise? Too often people say "we need to talk" when they really mean "I need to talk and you have to listen - and do what I want." But there are also two questions that you should be thinking about: - why did you marry this man knowing how he was and how you felt about him? - why are you sleeping in man's bed who is not your husband? Link to comment
amanda50 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 I definitely won't be leaving my husband for another guy. I want some 'me time' first if i do leave. Those 2 questions have been going around in my head all this time. All i can say is the friendship we have is really good and has kept us together. We talk about other things a lot apart from our relationship and we still know how to have fun together. But i'm sure that that is not enough in a marriage, maybe i'm wrong... Link to comment
DN Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I definitely won't be leaving my husband for another guy. I want some 'me time' first if i do leave. Those 2 questions have been going around in my head all this time. All i can say is the friendship we have is really good and has kept us together. We talk about other things a lot apart from our relationship and we still know how to have fun together. But i'm sure that that is not enough in a marriage, maybe i'm wrong... So - what is it you want him to do - you can't just say 'emotional support' because that is meaningless to him - it only has meaning to you. Link to comment
amanda50 Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 I'm not sure how to put it in words. Maybe i need to consider emotional support in more depth and discuss it with my husband. The other guy is giving me the emotional attention that i want - the points I mentioned in my previous post - they're not points to 'ring home about' but they mean a lot to me. He was a help in bringing me out of my deep depression... ok I was vulnerable but hey wish my husband was the one that helped me instead. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I'm not sure how to put it in words. Maybe i need to consider emotional support in more depth and discuss it with my husband. The other guy is giving me the emotional attention that i want - the points I mentioned in my previous post - they're not points to 'ring home about' but they mean a lot to me. He was a help in bringing me out of my deep depression... ok I was vulnerable but hey wish my husband was the one that helped me instead. Amanda there is a big difference between emotional support and emotional attention. Support implies some sort of comittment. I think you would do best not to confuse the "attention" this other guys is giving you for support. As for your husband. If you dont mind I'd like to recommend a book for him. It might be something you want to browse yourself (you can find stuff on it online). Its called No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Take a peek and see what you think. Link to comment
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