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G.I.G.S. (Grass is Greener Syndrome) and Rebound Relationships


centrino345

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Hey all,

 

After reading this forum as well as other ones. I've come to the conclusion that many people confuses rebound relationship vs. grass is greener syndrome (myself included).

 

From what I've gather thus far, these following seems to ring true.

 

Rebound Relationship

This usually occurs a few weeks to a few months after a breakup. This can happen to all age group. A dumper has a hard time dealing with the breakup and jumps into a relationship without actually getting to know the new person. This person is usually someone they just met. They do this to fill a certain void that the dumpee has left, and by jumping into another relationship it helps them get over the dumpee. However, this type of relationship don't usually last (average 3 - 6 months), because the dumper usually don't have enough time to deal with the issues in the previous relationship.

 

Grass is Greener Syndrome (different from Mayday11 thread)

This is different from Mayday11's thread because the dumper leaves the relationship to pursue another relationship with another person. Not because they want to be free or enjoy life...etc. This type of relationship usually occurs immediately after the breakup, or starts a couple months before the breakup. The dumper is usually young 20-25yrs old. What happens in this kind of relationship is that the dumper is in a long term relationship with the dumpee for 2 years or longer, and the couple are about to make a larger commitment to each other. The dumper gets "cold feet" as things are getting stale, boring, and predictable. They start to wonder, what else is out there? Is there anything better out there? Is this all I'm going to have for the rest of my life?

 

If there was someone that the dumper has been talking to for sometime, a "just a friend" type of guy or girl. They start fantasizing a relationship with this person. They start hanging out with this person more to see if there are any potential to have a relationship with this person, while still in a relationship with the dumpee. They usually do this consciously, but tells the dumpee that he/she is "just a friend."

 

This is usually when the dumpee starts to get panic, jealous, clingy and needy. The dumpee feels like they are losing their significant other. So, the dumpee begins to freak out and tries to save the relationship. Buying gifts, professing "i love you", paying more attention to the dumper, all the while the dumper is slowly checking out of the relationship.

 

The dumper starts seeing the dumpee in a different light because of their recent behavior. Dumper starts losing respect for the dumpee because they have become "nothing" without the dumper.

 

Then it happens, the dumper dumps the dumpee because they have decided to pursuing a relationship with this "just a friend." And often times gives the reason, "You have pushed me towards him because of your jealousy, neediness" or other like "I love you, but i'm just not in love with you."

 

However, what the dumper doesn't realize is they believe they are "falling in love" with this so called "just a friend". However, in actuality they are just bored and tired of the relationship with the dumpee.

 

They have fallen in love with the infatuation, the "honeymoon stage" of their new relationship. They often overlook any shortcoming of the "just a friend" person, because they're "so in love." This is sorta like rebound relationship, but instead of using the rebound guy/girl to get over the dumpee. They consciously start to believe this "just a friend" guy/girl is a trade up from the dumpee.

 

What the dumper don't realize is that once that "honeymoon stage" is over, they're usually left with the same feeling of boredom, tiredness, and the predictable relationship they become sick of with the dumpee, but instead with this new person.

 

They start to wonder again, start making another "just a friend." Then the vicious cycle continues. Or.. they jump back to the relationship with the dumpee if they dumpee have always treated them well.

 

Not trying to generalize, but these type of dumper are immature, and insecure of themselves. They always have to stay in a relationship to feel a sense of worth or belonging. These type of dumper do not understand what a mature relationship really means. In general they are just confused, they don't know who they are. They use relationships to define themselves and never have any introspection of themselves.

 

Now, this phase don't last forever and they often will learn over time. But, this usually happens when something catastrophic happens that will wake them up. And, often times the dumpee have moved on when the dumper finally realize how big of a mistake they have made.

 

I don't know if anything I've type even makes any sense.. maybe I'm just venting as I've fallen victim of the G.I.G.S., so I figure what others thing... please chime in if you have anything else to add. I guess this thread is more about G.I.G.S., but there are some similarity between rebound and G.I.G.S..

 

Below is from a separate post I've made on page 3, I figure I'd add it here so reader can read it here if they don't go through all my posts.

 

Yeah, this is just what I've gathered from reading the forums. I guess the thing to remember is that, they need to grow up without us being around. Often times the G.I.G.S. happens when they've started dating the dumper at a young age, so they never got a chance to experience the dating life. For me, I started dating my Ex since she was 18.. she's now 22. She never really had a real chance to be "free" per say. For me, I had my share of partying, dating, got all that out of my system while i was in college. Where as for her, she was with me since she was in HS, and till now just graduate college. So, it makes sense that she has the G.I.G.S.. I may be right, i may be wrong.. but this is just my own theory.

 

I guess the important thing to remember is that, there ain't nothing we can do when they suffer from this syndrome. They'll have to experience life without you, make their own mistakes, and learn from them. It's almost like a parents telling the kids, "don't drink, don't do drugs." But, this often is the reason people starting doing these things. To experience it themselves, and learn from it.

 

Same thing with dating... parents may say, "we love your bf/gf." But, this may be the exact reason they dump us, because most poeple have rebellious nature in them. They do what parents don't want them to do. This is the case for me as well, her parents loved me, and wanted her to marry me. I guess she just couldn't live under that pressure, thinking "is this it?" "My life would be spent with this guy for the rest of my life?" Then she start looking around, and seeing what else is out there.

 

If all of us can step out of our circle and look at things subjectively, then it'll be easier to understand what's going on in their mind. And chances are we have a better idea of what they're thinking than themselves.

 

I guess the moral of the story is, when someone is suffering from G.I.G.S. we have to realize there's nothing we can do. We have to let them go, experience life. They may or may not come back, but we shouldn't put our life on hold hoping that they'll come back. We move on, if they come back, great.. Because at that point, we have the ultimate decision of if we want them back or not. If not, then at least you once shared something special together. Besides, lot of times when people suffer from G.I.G.S. they will turn into something that's complete opposite of what you've become so accostumed to. You may not want them back.

 

Important points to remember

1. Move on, because they already have.

2. Let it go, because they have already let us go.

3. Stop hoping, right now it's hopeless.

4. They will change and you may or may not like what they change into.

5. Remember the person you fell in love with is no longer there. They have changed, or else they wouldn't have broken up with you.

6. Accept the fact that what you love is the image you have of them in your mind. Not what they are now.

7. Keep reminding yourself of point 1-6.

 

Hope what i typed make sense to you all. I'm struggling myself, but it's getting a bit easier. She's going out clubbing tonight with her friends according to her facebook newsfeed (friend told me, i didn't check). Clubbing is something she's always hated doing (refer to point #5 and #6).

 

If anyone would like to add more points to remember, i'd be gladly add it to my post.

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I am actually going through this right now, except its a little bit different for me. I started to get cold feet and wonder what else might be out there, there was no actual "friend" that I hung out with though...there was actually no one else, just my thoughts. My relationship went downhill after I told her about my cold feet. Eventually, she dumped me, I didn't dump her. So now I am realizing what a huge mistake I made.

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My ex is in a rebound I think? She left because she thought I didn't want to marry her not true. She started dating a guy a week later. Never met him before we split. She basically moved in with him 2 weeks after they met. She hardly even new him when she moved in. She is 24 but there was no cold feet as she was the one who wanted more right away. She broke up with me but was taking it hard for that week she was alone. She could not deal with the breakup on her own.

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What you just wrote pretty much summarizes my ex. He actually started cheating on me the last 2 months of the relationship. I became really paranoid, obsessive, whatever you'd like to call it because he was constantly lying to me about her. She knew very well about me. Well, now it's been 6 months and they're engaged, or so I've heard. Funny how he proposed to me too even earlier than that time period. Although he is 25, he is very immature for his age. And funny how his longest relationship was 18 months, and that was with me. His other relationships were 8 months to 1 year MAX. So I doubt this one will go any far. Plus, it really shocked me that he liked her who was the complete opposite of me. And yeah, after we broke up, he called and I said, "So a new girlfriend 3 days after the break-up?" and he went, "Well, I'm just trying to move on with my life." Perhaps he was really hurt or who knows. Either way, I have learned that such people are not reliable people. Their emotions are all over the place. They can't even be happy with themselves. They have to run to other people to comfort them.

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I can relate to a lot of what you posted because I feel that I fell victim to the same scenario with my ex. Though it shouldn't matter, I'm left questioning whether or not her rationale for leaving was truly GIGS OR if she has deeper routed issues, like Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

My ex and I were together for 18 months. We had a very healthy, loving, faithful relationship. She was the one person I trusted with everything. Unfortunately, she broke up with me b/c she said she was 'unhappy' and that she was no longer 'in love' with me.

 

We broke up last June, but continued to maintain contact b/c she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship and had no intent of pursuing another one. This web of lies continued until I was exposed to the truth in November.

 

Approximately 2 weeks after we broke up, my ex began sleeping with her female boss and her boss's boyfriend. This continued for several months. When her boss didn't reciproate the depth of my ex's feelings, she quickly entered into another sexual relationshp with two other people from work, one of which she's been in a relationship since November.

 

I know that my ex never owed me an explanation of her behavior, but i'm sorry, that doesnt obsolve her from being honest. Any decent human being who once loved you, should have the decency to expose you to the truth. Even when I didn't elicit a response, she went above and beyond to assure me that she hadn't been intimate with anyone or looking to be with anyone.

 

Additionally, she spread awful lies about me to others. ie. I never paid for anything when we were together, I never wanted to go out and do things, etc.

 

From what I've read about Borderline Personality Disorder, everything she's done and has done in the past is very reflective of this Mental Illness. From what I know shes been with about 14 people (she's 24!), all of the relationships ended b/c she was the 'victim' of wrong doing. I just dont think she's fully capable of loving like a 'normal' person can and has NO sense of identity whatsoever. I've seen her adapt to her surroundings and others like that of a chameleon.

 

What Im trying to get at here is HOW do you determine whether or not it's a case of being emotionally immature, GIGS, or something deeper like BPD??

 

Suffice it to say, I haven't talked to her. The last time she contacted me was a few weeks ago. But, I haven't seen her since November. Even then, she was lying to my face telling me that she missed me, loved me, but wanted to be alone. Now I feel like a fool knowing she had already been with 4 people by the time we met up!

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Dani0613

 

Well, based on what I gathered. I'm not sure if you would call your ex with borderline personality disorder. I would say she's more a less a commitment-phobe. She jumps from one relationships to another (G.I.G.S.). She keeps hopping around until she finds what she wants. This is a sign of insecurity and immaturity on her part, because she doesn't know who she is. She's hoping that she can meet someone that'll define them, and if having sex with these people will make them stay around, that's what she will do.

 

She's searching for something, and that "something" is what she'll have to find in herself, no one person out there can define her. She has to come to that conclusion herself.

 

She didn't expose the truth to you, because she didn't want to seem like the bad guy. She in a sense was trying to protect both you and herself. She says all the she missed me, loved me...etc to make you feel better. But at the same time you can be her safety net in case everything else falls through.

 

I'm sure you guys shared a very good bond together, but people her age just don't know what they want. Did she grow up from a sheltered life? or Did she grow up being very independent?

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My ex came from a very crappy home structure. Both of her parents have been married and divorced 3 times each. The first divorce happened when my ex was 4 y/o.

 

Her step father (from the ages of 4-18) died about a month before she broke up with me. She definitely went thru a VERY self destructive period from the time we broke up in June to about November of last year.

 

My ex also has anger issues.

 

I would agree with you, in that she's very immature and doesnt know what she wants. However, it's other behaviors that she's displayed that I question. The lying to others about me. The lying to others about each other. The manipulations. The false accusations. All of this was completely unwarranted.

 

I can tell you that she is extremely emotionally immature. I can't have contact with her right now, it's just too hard for me. I dont know if she'll ever reach out to contact me at some point.

 

I had given a mutual friend of ours the ring that my ex gave to me on our 1 yr anniversary and asked my friend to give it back to my ex. When my ex was given back the ring she turned to my friend and said, 'oh....do you think this is a sign that Danielle is getting over me? This is painful, I didnt expect to feel this way'....this was the week of Christmas.

 

I dont know. I just miss the person I fell in love with b/c we worked very well together. I think once the honeymoon stage fizzled out, she jumped ship. She doesnt know what mature love is and I believe she has a deep fear of intimacy and abandonment. She admitted to running away once the relationship reached another level..ie discussing living together.

 

She has NO healthy template of what a relationship should or could be based on what she's seen with her parents.

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I think my ex is a victim of G.I.G.S. but it doesn't matter anyways...

THEY DUMPED US.

THEY ARE INSECURE AND IMMATURE.

THEY ARE DATING SOMEONE ELSE.

DO WE REALLY WANT THEM BACK?

 

The answer is...yes...no, wait...NO!!! NO WAY!!! MOVE ON GUYS!!! Stop wondering why and when and how...start looking for someone better.

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I think my ex is a victim of G.I.G.S. but it doesn't matter anyways...

THEY DUMPED US.

THEY ARE INSECURE AND IMMATURE.

THEY ARE DATING SOMEONE ELSE.

DO WE REALLY WANT THEM BACK?

 

The answer is...yes...no, wait...NO!!! NO WAY!!! MOVE ON GUYS!!! Stop wondering why and when and how...start looking for someone better.

 

I have definitely distanced myself and forced myself to put the relationship I had in the past. Unfortunately, that doesnt negate the fact that I did deeply care of this person and, at times, still question the demise of the relationship.

 

Se la vi...

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The lying to others about you is just her way of justifying to herself and others what she did was the "right thing to do." It her way of lowering the guilt she feels from doing what she did.

 

She's emotionally immature as you've said, but i'm sure that's what attracted you to her in the first place. Because, she was probably cute, innocent and naive in your eyes. Yes, she has deep fear of intimacy and abandonment, but have you looked at yourself? Your fear is exactly the same, only reversed, you fear is not deep rooted, it is on the surface level.

 

Instead of looking at her having personality disorder.. i think you should consider that both party may have deep rooted problem with co-dependency.

 

May I recommend a book to you? Read "Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love" by Pia Mellody. It opened my eyes, as I'm sure it would open yours.

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Not to worry, I've already gone to a therapist to address and discuss the relationship and loss incurred. I've been doing tremendously well dealing with it and have come a long way. I have read 'co-dependent no more' and it too helped! Thanks for the advice!

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Not to worry, I've already gone to a therapist to address and discuss the relationship and loss incurred. I've been doing tremendously well dealing with it and have come a long way. I have read 'co-dependent no more' and it too helped! Thanks for the advice!

 

How's that book Dani? I've always wondered..

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Your post does strike a cord with me. I believe I am too a victim of G.I.G.S. but I was also on the other end of it as well. He left his ex-gf for me. The only slight difference, is that I don't think he harbors as much resentment towards me than his other ex. I had so much faith that he would work on himself, but he masked his feelings in having fun and developing this new relationship with a recent coworker. He was her supervisor this summer and also the last summer and then started hanging out with her and another coworker right after our break up (seriously I mean like a day after). But I am not surprised now that he has not dealt with the end of our relationship when he cannot even deal with his own father's death which happened in the beginning of our relationship. I sometimes wonder what the point of him returning my call (I wished him a happy new year and hoped his xmas was good on NYE). It was probably to tell me that he was in this relationship. But then why tell me that he harbored guilt over the holidays? The convo ended quickly since I had an appt with my counselor. I will never know since I am definitely not contacting him again.

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yeah, my ex contacted me numerous time after the break up, and finally she emailed me for an address so she could mail my stuff back. Turns out she mailed back my stuff along with most stuff I've given her. Then she proceeded to changing her facebook relationship status to "in a relationship." so I guess I won't hear from her ever again.

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My ex boyfriend left our 2.5 year relationship to be with another girl. Even though he denied it when I asked him during the break up. Now I am just pissed that I ever met the guy because he means so much to me that I hate living life without him. Life was great before I met him...and now just seems to bland without him in it.

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How's that book Dani? I've always wondered..

 

 

The book is very good and definitely something I was able to relate to. I can say that I've grown so much since the first time I read the book and even now, after having endured my break up. Time really is a healer and taking time out to focus on ourselves is even better.

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*Adds to favorites*

 

This is all the EXACT SAME STUFF I have been saying about G.I.G.S. ever since I first heard the term and began theorizing it... of course I based my own theories on my ex... and the OP's description matched my ex right down to the smallest detail.

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I dont think you can categorize based on the person's sex. I really think it just has to do with the person's emotional maturity (or lack thereof). My ex is female and I could say that she's applicable to both GIGS and rebounds. She's NEVER bee alone. She hops from one relationship to another and when things get too comfortable and she's reached a point where things could escalate to another level, she runs into the arms of someone else.

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*Adds to favorites*

 

This is all the EXACT SAME STUFF I have been saying about G.I.G.S. ever since I first heard the term and began theorizing it... of course I based my own theories on my ex... and the OP's description matched my ex right down to the smallest detail.

 

Yeah, this is just what I've gathered from reading the forums. I guess the thing to remember is that, they need to grow up without us being around. Often times the G.I.G.S. happens when they've started dating the dumper at a young age, so they never got a chance to experience the dating life. For me, I started dating my Ex since she was 18.. she's now 22. She never really had a real chance to be "free" per say. For me, I had my share of partying, dating, got all that out of my system while i was in college. Where as for her, she was with me since she was in HS, and till now just graduate college. So, it makes sense that she has the G.I.G.S.. I may be right, i may be wrong.. but this is just my own theory.

 

I guess the important thing to remember is that, there ain't nothing we can do when they suffer from this syndrome. They'll have to experience life without you, make their own mistakes, and learn from them. It's almost like a parents telling the kids, "don't drink, don't do drugs." But, this often is the reason people starting doing these things. To experience it themselves, and learn from it.

 

Same thing with dating... parents may say, "we love your bf/gf." But, this may be the exact reason they dump us, because most poeple have rebellious nature in them. They do what parents don't want them to do. This is the case for me as well, her parents loved me, and wanted her to marry me. I guess she just couldn't live under that pressure, thinking "is this it?" "My life would be spent with this guy for the rest of my life?" Then she start looking around, and seeing what else is out there.

 

If all of us can step out of our circle and look at things subjectively, then it'll be easier to understand what's going on in their mind. And chances are we have a better idea of what they're thinking than themselves.

 

I guess the moral of the story is, when someone is suffering from G.I.G.S. we have to realize there's nothing we can do. We have to let them go, experience life. They may or may not come back, but we shouldn't put our life on hold hoping that they'll come back. We move on, if they come back, great.. Because at that point, we have the ultimate decision of if we want them back or not. If not, then at least you once shared something special together. Besides, lot of times when people suffer from G.I.G.S. they will turn into something that's complete opposite of what you've become so accostumed to. You may not want them back.

 

Important points to remember

1. Move on, because they already have.

2. Let it go, because they have already let us go.

3. Stop hoping, right now it's hopeless.

4. They will change and you may or may not like what they change into.

5. Remember the person you fell in love with is no longer there. They have changed, or else they wouldn't have broken up with you.

6. Accept the fact that what you love is the image you have of them in your mind. Not what they are now.

7. Keep reminding yourself of point 1-6.

 

Hope what i typed make sense to you all. I'm struggling myself, but it's getting a bit easier. She's going out clubbing tonight with her friends according to her facebook newsfeed (friend told me, i didn't check). Clubbing is something she's always hated doing (refer to point #5 and #6).

 

If anyone would like to add more points to remember, i'd be gladly add it to my post.

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