G.I.G.S. (Grass is Greener Syndrome) and Rebound Relationships

[gee]

Good stuff man!

 

Your ex hated clubbing..now is onto it. Mine hated drinking..now she drinks alcohol like water. Oh well.

 

gee

[Pandaman211]

You should really tell your friend to cut the informative reports about your ex out. I can understand why he told you she was in a relationship, to show you how ridiculous it is and not worth your time, and even about her going clubbing, b/c he probably knows that she doesn't, and to again show you how different she is acting. But really, if it continues its just a liability to be on your mind.

[Pandaman211]

But good thread. You've learned a lot since you first came here

[Pandaman211]

I absolutely love and am fasinated by this topic, and have a question to throw out there. Do men suffer from the rebound or G.I.G.S. more than woman...or visa versa?

 

My vote is:

Women - Rebound

Men - G.I.G.S.

 

Thoughts?

 

Yeah, you can't necessarily categorize based on gender. BUT from what I've personally experienced, my friends experiences, and what I've read, generally speaking, I would more or less agree with this. Just being a guy as well, I would be more inclined to a GIGS and think guys would be more prone to go down that path vs rebound.

[centrino345]

You should really tell your friend to cut the informative reports about your ex out. I can understand why he told you she was in a relationship, to show you how ridiculous it is and not worth your time, and even about her going clubbing, b/c he probably knows that she doesn't, and to again show you how different she is acting. But really, if it continues its just a liability to be on your mind.

 

yea, I told them, but I know they are looking out for my best interest. I started this thread to more or less remind myself of what's going on with her and myself. Reminding myself its time to move on and she may turn into someone that I may not even be attracted to anymore. Sure, I'd love to have her back in my life, but sooner or later she will have to go through thus phase. So why stop her? She's free to enjoy her life just as much as I have, only that I got it out of my system ealier than her.

[Pandaman211]

yea, I told them, but I know they are looking out for my best interest. I started this thread to more or less remind myself of what's going on with her and myself. Reminding myself its time to move on and she may turn into someone that I may not even be attracted to anymore. Sure, I'd love to have her back in my life, but sooner or later she will have to go through thus phase. So why stop her? She's free to enjoy her life just as much as I have, only that I got it out of my system ealier than her.

 

Great way to look at it, I'm proud of how far you've come dude in such little time. I didn't even come to these terms as fast as you did when I was going through my breakup back a few months ago. You're going to go through some bumps and question her and yourself, but in the end, you'll be fine. Its natural, just don't worry too much if you do come accross a bump in the road to think that everything has backfired and you're not better.

[neallo82288]

I am, basically, suffering from GIGS. My ex moved out and into a guys house. Well, exactly a month later, she asked to come home, but I guess she got buyers remorse and decided to stay. Well, when I went to go get her, her "roommate" was home (she apparently wants to sneak out) so I got accused of being a stalker. So, I sent him the texts and voice mail that had her asking to come home. Well, she has since gone off the deep end and I cannot figure out exactly why, but thats her life (I think he hit her or something, for there is no reason for her to bet as mad at me as she did). My phone number is blocked and the pay phone i used the other day, also. I have no way to contact her, which is fine with me. I know he is controlling, but he also, provides everything she could want. She told me the other day if I get my truck on the road she would come home, because she needs a ride to work and he provides her with one, she has no liscense but yet he lets her drive his car. I cannot take care of her and me so if she came back she would have to help out and she doesn't have to where she is. So, I am basically giving up and trying to move on.

[centrino345]

Sounds like quite a lot is going on with her and this new man. But, like I said in the previous post... there's nothing you can do about it. She's confused.. and she doesn't know it. It's up to you to be the bigger man and bow out when you can, or you can choose to continue this play, and end up getting hurt.

 

Her behavior now is probably not the same as the person you've fell in love with anymore. She probably thought that she needed someone complete opposite of you to "feel loved." But, she's wrong, and we both know that. However, she'll have to come to that conclusion herself.

 

Hope this helps. Keep your head up, and feel free to vent here if you need.

[Pandaman211]

Yeah thats a pretty messed up situation. Thats the best thing you can do.

[You and Me]

I just want people to know that G.I.G.S. can ruin something great. Don't be confused by it, don't let it ruin something you may not be able to get back!! I was going through the same thing. I was engaged and then I started to get all scared and have thoughts about what else is out there. I told my fiance that I was getting serious cold feet and might want to postpone the wedding and this crushed her. Things just got worse from there and finally she dumped me!! This is all because of some stupid thoughts and feelings I had that were nothing but fantasy and not reality, and I let it ruin reality!!

[Kraven]

I'm theorising my ex is going through G.I.G.S right now as well.

 

She is very home sick and anything associated with China is the best in her eyes nowdays. She wants to have a China-based BF even if she has to LDR while she finishes her degree here in New Zealand which will take at least 1.5 years (this is confirmed by a mutual friend so is pretty much first-hand information).

 

I'm a New Zealand born chinese.... so I don't fit her bill. She never would admit to it and sticks with the claims that our personalities don't match. We got along well before she went back home in China for a month. She tried to break up with me on her 5th day back to China out of the blue because she said she realised how much she loves it in China and would not leave if not for her parents insisting she finishes her degree here in New Zealand. She also refused to believe that I could establish myself in China which I carefully thought about and feel that I can do so. I was able to advert this break up but she got angry at something I did one week later (wasn't anything bad. I was drinking with my workmates which are all guys after work) and used that as an excuse to break up with me.

 

It took me 1.5 months to realise this and finally stop blaming myself. I feel that she is immature in her idea that every good will only come from China. I was trying to be a friend to her after the break up, hoping to get her back (stupid move) and she tries to string me along to get the benefits of having me around but not commit to me. I told her the other day that I can no longer be friends with her and she said "fine" but kept her back turned at me and kept walking as she was saying it. As far as I know now, she is actually in a LDR with somebody in China right now. Rebounding + LDR. Good luck to her. It might work out but hey, I don't care much now. I need to do some healing and maybe someday I can be her friend for real. For her Grass is Greener in China. I just hope she loves the next guy for who he is and not as a representative of life in china or else I would feel so bad for him.

[manup7228]

I have a question....

 

Completely hypothetical, and most likely doubtful in my situation....

 

If your pretty positive that your ex is suffering from GIGs, how/when should we start to respond to them via text/calls/etc...

 

Should we wait til they are single again? Should we wait until they flat out "want us back." My ex has been texting me trying to string me along throughout her GIGs process, but I quit responding about a month ago. I probably should just let it go and stop thinking about which actions I take will cause certain reactions from her, but I cant stop from thinking that maybe I am being to hard on her.

 

We are now at the point where I might see her on campus and I know she sees me, and we just walk on by. Sometimes she'll text me after saying she just saw me, but those have stopped. I guess she is just happy with her second new relationship, and only uses me when she wants.

[SighSob]

I used to feel relieved by reading this thread...I was like "well she's got GIGS, she'll eventually come back cause we are meant to be together..."...

Then as days went by I changed my mind. GIGS is not a disease...it's a whim. I'm no one's plan B. If my ex wanted to see if the grass is greener, that's fine, but I am forever and for once. I was willing to make our grass greener and I made it clear, but she decided to drop me and look elsewhere. I'm not going to forget this. I would like her to beg for me back just to return the favour.

[centrino345]

Manup7228,

 

I'm in no way an expert with this whole thing, but my ex is def. suffering from GIGS. If you read my post about my situation. Kinda why i started this thread.

 

How long has it been since the breakup? And how did the relationship end? How old are you guys? How serious is her current relationship? It's tough to answer your questions without more details.

 

As for when to respond and reply... I really can't give you a clear answer on that. My ex called me quite a few times right after the breakup, then sent me two emails. Turns out the calls were to just ask for my address, so she can mail back all my stuff. So, the reason for their call may not be the reason you're looking for. Be prepare for that.

 

If I were you, I would respond sometimes but not always, and keep it friendly. Try to act somewhat indifferent. For me, i've emailed my ex, and told her that I can't be her friend and if one day we cross paths again. We will deal with that when the time comes. She has since stopped contacting me and I guess started a full blown relationship with the new guy. I guess things like this are YMMV (you mileage may vary).

 

Feel free to PM me if you'd like...

[PJPaul]

This is a Great post. he has definitely done his homework on the subject.

[flash83]

this is a terrible post... this doesn't describe G.I.G.S. accurately from Mayday's original post.. what the OP just described was basically leaving your gf/bf to search for someone better or a friend.

 

original GIGS thread:

 

glaring differences between this post and the original theory:

 

1) THERE IS NO DIRECT REASON FOR THE BREAKUP

 

THIS THREAD

If there was someone that the dumper has been talking to for sometime, a "just a friend" type of guy or girl. They start fantasizing a relationship with this person. They start hanging out with this person more to see if there are any potential to have a relationship with this person, while still in a relationship with the dumpee. They usually do this consciously, but tells the dumpee that he/she is "just a friend."

 

 

ORIGINAL GIGS

The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.

 

there is no one that the dumper is dumping the person for. there is absolutely no fantasy, no friend, and no one he wants to be with. if this was the reason then they would not be confused, there would actually be a direct reason for the breakup, in the oringal GIGS - there is no hiding anything cause there is nothing to hide.

 

2) THEY ARE NOT SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING BETTER

 

THIS THREAD have fallen in love with the infatuation, the "honeymoon stage" of their new relationship.

 

ORIGINAL GIGS

Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you.

 

Again, they have not fallen in love with the honeymoon stage. The original GIGS only applies to relationships about 2 years and longer.. the dumper KNOWS what the honeymoon stage is and isn't looking for that.

 

3) THE DUMPER KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS

 

THIS THREAD

Not trying to generalize, but these type of dumper are immature, and insecure of themselves. They always have to stay in a relationship to feel a sense of worth or belonging. These type of dumper do not understand what a mature relationship really means.

 

Honestly why did you stay with your partner for more than 2 years if he/she is immature, and insecure? Wouldn't that be part of the dumpee's fault then?

 

You might as well rename this thread to "Leaving your partner for someone who they think is better syndrome". The original GIGS thread doesn't nearly apply to everyone who posted here.

 

I understand you may be frustrated for whatever reason but please do not mixup GIGS with something else.

[lucasky]

I think this thread has some value to it, certainly, but I do have to agree with flash83.

 

The thread they linked, an older post on the same topic, comes off as a bit... further down the road of healing than this post is. That is to say, when I first read this post it sounded as if there is still some hurting going on for the poster, and as such, some negative and perhaps presumptuous emotions have been poured into the explaination of an ex who left for greener pastures.

 

When my ex left me for someone else, I certainly would have poured my heart into this post and agreed with every aspect, however, as time as passed, I've had another relationships and learned more about myself, I think I can see how... someone who moves onto greener pastures is not necessarily immature. Yes, being left for someone else really REALLY hurts... but I think many dumpees in this situation (including myself) tend to over victimize themselves and play the ex off as either a villain, or immature.

 

Its important to realize and come to terms with the fact that... we loved our ex's once. We probably did not see them as dumb, or mean people, sure some of them may have been, but when were hurting we tend to play up bad attributes of ex's to make ourselves feel better. It can be very hard to play the devil's advocate with oneself, but I think a big part of healing is just letting go of accusations and explanations, and simply accepting the end outcome of things, regardless of how we project the situation to have been.

[centrino345]

Flash83,

 

Not quite sure where your hostility is coming from... but I figure i should reply.

 

I didn't base what I said just on Mayday's thread (please refer back to my first post). Its from reading other forums and books plus stories from my friends. I put Maydays name down because I felt that he deserve some credit because it was his post that got me interested in the topic.

 

Let me ask you a question...

 

Say you have an old car, and you can trade it in for a newer car, for a minimal fee. Would you do it? Or rather, would you at least think about it?

 

Chances are you will, because your old car is getting rusty, broken..etc. So you begin to wonder if you should make the trade. I mean it's only for a minimal fee, so why not. However, you probably only saw the car being newer, but didn't look under the hood. And months later you found out this new car is really a lemon. Now you're stuck with this car... but then you start wondering again.. maybe I can get another car. Trade this no so "new" car in for another one. That's what GIGS is.. you figure the grass is greener on the other side, or in this case, the car is better. Isn't this the same as..

 

"Leaving your partner for someone who they think is better syndrome"

 

 

I think you're basing too much of your post on Mayday's thread. And using his statement to discredit my post. Which I feel is kind of wrong. You said,

"The original GIGS thread doesn't nearly apply to everyone who posted here." Yes, which is why I made this thread. Because I felt while Mayday's post is great, but there's more to the story. Often times dumper don't give dumpee the real reasons not because they are confused, but because they're afraid to hurt the dumpee's feeling, or to ease their own guilt. Of course, there are dumpers that really don't know why they feel a certain way.

 

Please understand that i'm not frustrated.. and I don't feel that I'm mixing GIGS with anything else. But, I think you're basing your definition of GIGS on just Mayday's thread. So, in a sense you're the one mixed up.. or taking things to literal from someone else's post. Of course, we're all entitled to our own opinion, but please don't discredit me just based on Mayday. I'd love to hear what you think what GIGS really is, in your own words.

[flash83]

Honestly if you wanted to give him credit thats fine, just don't call it GIGS (especially on the thread title?). Its very misleading.

 

No.. you have a completely different version of Mayday's post, just like how a person with GIGS has nothing to hide, there is nothing more under Mayday's thread. You basically took his post, changed it up - and gave it the same name. There isn't more to the story.

 

I really don't know how else to break it down for you.. a very important characteristic of the original GIGS is that the dumper has no real reason for the breakup.. its a phase that he will have to go through. he isn't leaving for anyone else. but your version basically says, hes leaving his gf to bone another girl that he has in mind already. how is that even similar??

[centrino345]

lucasky,

 

Yeah, I was quite hurt when I made the original post. Which is why some of my negative thoughts may have made into the post. I may have generalize a bit (as i said in my post) by saying the ex as immature and insecure. However, I believe this is usually the case, not always. I agree with you that we have to simply accept that its over. Which is why I made the 7 points to tell the reading to move on and accept that it's over.

[centrino345]

Honestly if you wanted to give him credit thats fine, just don't call it GIGS (especially on the thread title?). Its very misleading.

 

No.. you have a completely different version of Mayday's post, just like how a person with GIGS has nothing to hide, there is nothing more under Mayday's thread. You basically took his post, changed it up - and gave it the same name. There isn't more to the story.

 

I really don't know how else to break it down for you.. a very important characteristic of the original GIGS is that the dumper has no real reason for the breakup.. its a phase that he will have to go through. he isn't leaving for anyone else. but your version basically says, hes leaving his gf to bone another girl that he has in mind already. how is that even similar??

 

Flash83,

 

I'm not quite sure why we're even talking about this. I don't think it's wrong for me to use the term GIGS in my thread title, as Mayday is not the person to come up with the term of GIGS. You can search all over the web to find GIGS, and you get different opinion/definition of what it is.

 

Yes, my idea of GIGS may be different from the "Original GIGS" posted by Mayday. However, this is my take of what it means.. Maybe I shouldn't have give Mayday credit for my post then? Would that have been better? Maybe I should come up with my own term? My post was the merely give others in my situation my own explanation of what's going on, and not giving them false hope. If you read to the addendum to my original post, I told the readers 7 points they must remember to move on.

 

Yes my definition GIGS, is when a dumper leaves the dumpee for another person. However, there can be many more opinion/definition of it. A dumper can leave without a reason at all, much like Mayday's tread. Or leave the dumper for another person, much like my thread. I still believe my post has some value to the community of ENA, as I'm not giving my readers false hope, and telling them to accept and move on.

[flash83]

The reason why I am upset over this is because I suffered from GIGS, yes I was the dumper. I was really confused and worried that only I had this problem and when I found Mayday's post it nailed every single symptom on that list. I was glad that there are other people that felt the way I did and that it confirmed exactly how I was feeling. It was different from any situation I have tried to find:

 

- I was in the best relationship of my life, I loved my girlfriend to death and she loved me.. everything was perfect until I realized I started feeling less happy around her.

 

- It was very sudden, there were no fights, no suspicions, no nothing.. and certainly no girl on the outside.

 

- I wanted to experience different things, I started partying more, tried new sports, and did things I normally would not do.

 

- I knew that I still loved her, and that if I was a bit older I would definitely marry this girl.. and I wished that we met a bit later on in life. But unforunately it was not the right time, and I felt like I needed to stay away from her (hence Mayday's theory of a high chance of the opportunity of reconciliation).

 

- I tried to put it off, I tried to do different things with her to make myself happy but nothing worked... and after 4-5 months of trying I told her that I had to do this.. that putting off a breakup just prolongs my urge to be free again.

 

- I want to stress again, I didn't do this for anyone but myself. Infact I was depressed over the breakup because she was my lover and best friend. I felt like I had absolutely no one else. She was my life, but I knew I had to do what I did.

 

 

That is what I went through and how I related it to Mayday's GIGS. I found your thread insulting to those who actually went through what I did. You basically called me a liar saying that I left her for someone else. Anyone I will date in the future will be people I have never met during our relationship.

 

Honestly, please do come up with your own term. I like your idea but it certainly is not Mayday's GIGS theory or even close to it.

[centrino345]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I understand what you're saying, I myself was the dumper and suffer from the "original GIGS" years ago. I just wanted to be "free". However, my post was just to add to Mayday's thread. In my opinion, GIGS can have many reason. The dumper can have another person lined up, they can want to be free, they may want to enjoy life. Or they may not know the reasons at all.

 

Please understand my intension for my post was not to offend. Certainly not trying to make you feel bad, or give the dumper a bad rep. However, too many people on ENA have been dumped for someone else, because their ex were young and though that a relationship with the new person is better, or GIGS. I will edit my original post a bit so people don't get confused.. if that makes you feel better.

[SighSob]

My two cents:

 

Breakups that occur due to violence, cheating, lack of attraction, long distance - in other words for CLEAR REASONS - are "normal" breakups.

 

Breakups that occur cause the dumper is not happy anymore even if there's still attraction and love are what I call GIGS breakups. I'm not saying the dumper is immature, selfish or mean in any way, but it's sure harder for the dumpee to understand why the relationship ended.

 

One last thing: since love is not maths, everyone is entitled to his own opinion.

[flash83]

i think SighSob put it best by that simple statement that GIGS is when the dumper isn't happy anymore yet they are attracted to the person they dump.

 

Centrino I am glad you went through it, so you understand that it does exist.. and how I could be offended because a lot of people don't believe in GIGS because they think there HAS to be a clearcut reason when there really isn't. Its disturbing for us dumpers because how can we possibly be happy if we are with the ones that we love most?

 

Anyways if you could change or alter the name that would be fine, there is possible 2 GIGS, one for for sobsigh described, and one for those leaving for someone else.