G.I.G.S. (Grass is Greener Syndrome) and Rebound Relationships

[Jatli]

I should also add she lives over 1 hour away. I have been in NC pretty much since moved with only a couple of slips

[sharky988]

He's not a great guy.

 

He's a lying cheating douche who's trying to position you as his Plan B backup girl. This is who you love - a man who would treat you so poorly?

 

Meh. You deserve better!!

[Destroyed 33]

I need to know!!! Please take your time to read my story here for more info and details:

 

Short version. 16 years, high school sweet heart, love of my life, "the one". We came from nothing together and built a great life together (from my perspective). We had one major bump in the middle of our 16 years together where she was unfaithful. It was a 3 or 4 day nightmare but we ultimately decided that we loved each other enough to work through it, and did. Beyond that, everything SEEMED to be great. We would have a spat from time to time about the dishes in the sink or something stupid I said that made her get all PMSed out and storm around mad... Really typical stuff every once and a while but always processed and talked to patch things up. Never any abuse, screaming, throwing stuff... We always talked and worked things out on the rare occasion that there was a blip or a little issue.

 

Long story even shorter: Everything seemed great. We just bought a house together a few years ago. Living the grown up life. I was convinced she loved me just as much as I loved her. We came a long way together. Best friends, sole mates, I love you's, hugs and kisses every day right up till the end... She had been seeing a guy where she works for three weeks behind my back and she just BOLTED! (This was 5 weeks ago)

 

So yeah, 16 years, she was about 15 when I met her in high school, the relationship really did seem to be great overall and I certainly wanted to spend the rest of my life with her but never pressured her to get married or have kids, I thought we were both content and when she was ready, so was I. No concerns. I pretty much treated her like gold and was always 100% dedicated and faithful... She turned 30 last year, boom, gone in the blink of an eye. Brand new person within 24 hours. Vanished. Cold, selfish, callus, self absorbed with no sign of remorse or regret or regard for me what so ever.

 

This the GIGS? Predictions? I love this girl more than anyone has ever loved anything in the history of mankind. Feedback appreciated!

[Brotherhood67]

To be fair, I don't believe in this GIGS-thingy personally, for me its simply breaking-up and eventually reconnecting later... Or not.

 

Yes of course, we sometimes feel this "I want to live my life before settling" but I never fully understood it because I fail to see the point in believing that our girlfriend/boyfriend is deadweight in this matter and would maybe be "okay" later.

 

For me they are simply our girlfriend/boyfriend and we should try to make the best of life with them, together. Life is short and meeting someone you care about is not so very common. So why risk it ?

 

I never understood that but many here do so maybe I'm a strange guy ^-^

 

As for you, Destroyed33, I don't believe you should look too much into it because it will impede your healing for the time being.

[sharky988]

I was a GIGS dumper who changed my mind and went back to my ex.

 

The way I see it, there are two kinds of breakups:

 

(a) the kind where you leave to be available for someone else

 

(b) the kind where you leave to be available for ANYONE else

 

I think GIGS is about the second kind. However, I don't think either circumstance makes a reconciliation more likely.

 

Just my opinion.

[Brotherhood67]

Yes, I agree.

 

The way I see it, GIGS is a way of describing someone who wants to experiment something else in a specific way but I don't believe that it has anything to do with reconciliation per se.

 

It's more of a possibility which could also exist in other break-up situations.

 

So don't look too much into this GIGS thingy, it is likely that it will give you false hope while, in truth, it has not much to do with a possibility of reconciliation by itself

[sharky988]

^^ Certainly in the cases of 33 and Troyalan, I definitely agree that clinging to this GIGS theory is clinging to false hopes.

[robert93]

Hi guys.I am dealing right now with my ex gf that I think she has GIGS.I don't believe 100% that this gigs syndrome applies for every type of people I think it varies and it is different in every situations.My ex left me for another guy because,from what she told me I didn't gave her attention lately and I was criticizing her.It all happened 1 month ago and a month before that we changed our "environment".We changed our hangout place and we met new people.From there everything started to go downhill.Those new guys are older(25-30 yrs old).One of them liked her from the start and well he pushed and pushed until she edcided to leave me.She said she is confused and that she wants to have fun.I begged and all of that but she was already with the guy so I pushed her away.I asked her to tell me the truth but she denied being with that other guy.She lied everyone even her mother.Funny thing her mother was with a guy when she was younger but that guy wanted to take her to another country with him.She panicked and left him.She then dated her current husband but he treated her bad he is an alcoholic and now she regrets that she dumped that first guy for the rest of her life.Now, me and her daughter we supposed to move to Italy with my mom to find jobs there.She was very excited about that and she was in love with the idea.But when we changed our hangout place she changed completely.Now she is with that guy but she hides the rel from everybody.Sh tried to give me false hope she tells everyone that maybe in the future we can work things out.I am leaving to Italy in 2 weeks so I want to move on and let her go.That guy she is dating is 7 years older than her(she is 19) and he is a player..he knows how to push her puttons.

 

The thing is I think of GIGS more like an impulse when relationships are not going well.She had that impulse to leave me and she saw that guy better than me.The thing is that guy wants her for sex as far as I know.In this GIGS stuff I think that the one suffering from it really doesn't know for sure if he or she is making the best decision.They are all confused because they don;t know for sure that the other guy/girl is really better than their exes.They just jump head first because of that impulse and a lot of them are realizing that they made a mistake.This happens whith immature and young couples.They don;t know what they want for sure.I don't hope that she will come back and I don't think I will take her back if she does.

[lostrabbit]

I heard a good saying I wish all GIGs sufferers would stop and think about- I wish mine had

 

The grass is not greener on the other side- the grass is only green where you water it!

[Truelove2]

Hello everyone, I have been reading this thread and the Mayday11 thread. I am just another dumpee of the situation.

I will not waste my words writing about ALL my situation with my boyfriend...well ex, because what I have read is very similar to my own...so I save some words for you to read but of course I will be telling you some information.

 

The thing is we have a strong bond for being in a relationship for almost 2years. Very strong one despite we are in our twenties. We both were well aware of this (still am) and people around us could see that, his parents first. Our relationship was very good and were made for each other like two soul mates, to make it short.

 

The drop was when he actually went right and left and then again right about leaving me or not around Oct/Nov. Oh yeah, he is very immature (even his parents said that to me) and he is not able to face things properly. He prefers to hide, run away than facing problems or issues. He tried to break up with me twice. The first (unexpectedly out of the blue and out of our relationship) for unjustified and stupid reasons but he soon made up his mind (within hours) and apologized. Above all, the second time came as a bomb to me. He said that he wanted to leave me for a friend of his that he actually "knows" for just a couple of months. If someone stabbed me with a knife in that precise moment, I would have felt less pain, literally. I cried on Skype (at the time we were abroad in different states for just 5 months) and was really desperate. Well you can imagine my reaction and even thought of killing myself because I was depressed at that moment but my friends there stayed close to me. Bless them. After few days, he apologized literally through messages and wanted to fight together for our relationship (although we did not have problems, there was just "this friend of his" that was kind of persuading him and he was fine with that). All his friends and parents were aware of this because he sent out an e-mail to everybody about him making mistakes and needing time. So for a couple of weeks everything was getting better, we apologized, exchanged our opinions and true feelings for each other, planned when to see each other....). At that time he was doing all this with me, he told me that he was not in touch with the girl. He was sorry for this because this meant a loss of a friend (in his opinion). All was right when a friend of his called him about the girl (she contacted this friend of his to make him contact my boy) and he went through panic attacks.

 

Well to make this story short ( I already wrote too much XD), he did not contact me anymore, he put his parents in between (yeah you are reading well) and only god know what he was doing. After exactly two weeks (like he spent with me) he sent me an e-mail saying that our relationship was over. No real reasons, just changes in him because he was in another country and had experiences (like I had as well) and he relationship was over. It was just before Xmas and invalidated me the flight that he bought for me earlier that month to make me visit him (or see each other anyway). I cannot explain how that feels. Paid not to see me. After that e-mail, nothing more. A Skype conversation was to be made but he first canceled it for nothing. After two weeks I actually sent him a message because I was still waiting for that Skype conversation as HE said (by the way, no happy new year wishes) and he answered very coldly (obviously) and kind of behaving like a boss-who-knows-everything-and-you-shut-up so he said "what's the purpose of the conversation from your side?" "you can ask me questions and I answer", "talking gets us no where", "there is no goal", "our relationship is over and there is no future for our relationship". This killed me again as this are harsh words above all to a person that only cared, loved, supported him and he used to do. We had to Skype but I could not make it that time (on purpose). He got angry. Then he got kind of jealous because that night I went out (excuse) and asked me for another Skype. This time I decided that this was too much pain, I mean, it was already I NEVER EVER cried so much for a person, but it was like I was not ready and I am not emotionally ready yet to face this, so no Skype.

 

I was actually the one who wanted to talk face-to-face as soon as I was back and do everything for staying together. I was the fighter and even thought to go see him but people told me not to and honestly, it was clear I was nothing for him so I was not ready to receive another slap,this time real that the relationship was really over.

Just a couple of days ago, his status on Facebook says he is in a relationship...I cried shortly after I read it. So he lied about everything and he was in the GIGS for quite some time (as mostly happens). Basically he is now in a LDR with this girl after breaking up with me. By the way, the girl knows mostly everything about this situation of 50% of this, so she has a guess of how he is treating me. His parents sent me a couple of e-mails that they sympathize with me and are sorry and want the best for me.

 

Like most of you already said I AM INTO 2 MINDs NOW. I would do anything to get back together with him. We were REALLY in love with each other and the strong bond we had was clear to the world. I still love him despite everything because I face things and not run away from them. On the other hand, I want to let time pass by and see what happens. Pity is he changed is mind because of the GIGS and the new place, new girl, new everything...so I guess new spark and the honeymoon period with this new girl (which he is in a LDR now...what kind of start does this new relationship have?!) I do not know how he can live without thoughts of our bond and be soon with her after all the mess/panic attacks/changing mind faster than the weather/LDR.etc.... (maybe he was already before with her when he was with me but who knows?!). Another thing...how could you get in a relationship with someone who use hands on you and abused of you? I mean...this is crazy. She did, yeah...

 

I wrote way too much and still not enough to let you of my situation. Thing is my feelings are very strong for him. I thought he was the one and everything (and he said the same) so I love him very deeply and cannot get him out of my head. So this whole thing is like killing me because it was so sudden and it stroke actually our amazing relationship. Anyway I got an internship and will soon start working. Then have in mind to apply for a dance class, doings some sports and so on to occupy my mind...

 

I wish that he realizes what he has lost (the love of this life according to him) and that our bond is meant to be. Want him to come back to me in some time...of course, as everyone said, he will be back when I will have already moved on with my life and maybe at that time I will not care anymore. Because I never wanted to be in this situation and this was all like "surprise!!!" but of course I am powerless at the same time. Wish he can be mature enough to understand and realize...

 

Please what do you think? I know this situation can be very similar to yours but please let me know about a possibility of reconciliation or anything else you want to say!

Many many thanks!!!!!!!!!

 

P.S. I am trying hard to be as rational as possible now XD

[Truelove2]

Hello robert93, totally understand your point of view and share that she is confused (madly) and she had that impulse to leave you for the other guy. Immature is another key word for the dumper. I would not say that the word young can be applied to everyone. For instance I am young as my ex is and I was dumped. So sometimes, age is not a relevant factor, it really depends on the personality and values of the person itself. Agree about the dumpers. They all think other people are better, but in effect, it's just the spark of the moment and the beginning that persuade them into doing more with the other person, rather than staying with their partner (and that spark is not there). Some realize what they have done months or years later...but some do not. I am having a hard time in thinking that maybe they will never realize (how can they not?!) but I guess only time will give most dumpees an answer about that.

[Cfc86]

Hi,

 

I met my girlfriend at 16 and we had been together for nearly 13 years. We have had our ups and downs through this time but she has always been so sure we were right. About 5 weeks ago we had a huge row as I saw her sending flirty but innocent txts to another man. This is something she has never done in 13 years. It was also a week before we were due to sign to buy our first house together as we have always rented. This lead to me grabbing her which I regret more than I can say. I have never done anything like this before. We then rowed for about ten days until she said it was over as she felt differently now. She said she felt suffocated and was not sure we were right for each other. She said she was not leaving me for anyone else. I chased her heard via phone calls and texts which made me look clingy. She moved back to her parents but has been round 4 times to collect some stuff. We also went for lunch one time and then spoke about any changes to situation she said she still felt spark was gone and told me she now has feelings for this other guy. I need to let it play out. The next night she popped round and we had sex. I now believe she has seen this other guy. This has now moved out of our house completely after living together 9 years.do you think this is G.I.G.S or something else?

[faraday]

If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Cfc86]

If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

Spot on major mess up - I was planning to on our next holiday. I did not realise it was a big issue to her as she never mentioned it. Bad decision by me I thought we were so strong.

[faraday]

Spot on major mess up - I was planning to on our next holiday. I did not realise it was a big issue to her as she never mentioned it. Bad decision by me I thought we were so strong.

13 years is a LONG time to be dating. I think any woman would start to question your commitment level (unless there was a prior conversation where it was made clear that marriage was off the table and both people wanted that)...and that would lead to questioning the relationship. It's not okay for her to be texting with other men...and it's not an excuse...what she did wasn't right....but my guess? She was seeking validation.

 

It's going to be rough for the next while...have you read through threads on here about going no contact, and what steps to take to move on?

[Cfc86]

13 years is a LONG time to be dating. I think any woman would start to question your commitment level (unless there was a prior conversation where it was made clear that marriage was off the table and both people wanted that)...and that would lead to questioning the relationship. It's not okay for her to be texting with other men...and it's not an excuse...what she did wasn't right....but my guess? She was seeking validation.

 

It's going to be rough for the next while...have you read through threads on here about going no contact, and what steps to take to move on?

 

Thanks for your input much appreciated. We had previously had convos about marriage and I said I didn't believe in it etc but was committed to her - we had lived together for 9 years!

 

I think you maybe right and it messed with her head and I only made it worse by pressuring her on why she did it..

 

Yeah it has been rough and I just want her back but I am not sure it will happen. I have read the no contact which I have been trying but she keeps contacting me by calling, txting and emailing about things she doesn't need to. Not sure if she checking if I am okay or it something else? I am not initiating contact now and she is going on our holiday we had booked next week so that will make it easier too.

[Cfc86]

Update

 

I stopped contact and it took one day for her to start ringing me pritty much every day. I tried to keep it light and friendly and as normal as possible. We did however discuss situation as we spoke for 2 hours last night. She tells me now she is not sure it's right because she misses beginning of relationship inc butterflies and excitement etc?????

 

I am now even more confused. I need to move on I think but it so hard.

[faraday]

You guys were together for her entire adult life...I bet she does miss you. Keep in mind though that nothing has changed...the reason you guys broke up is still there...and it's more likely that she misses having someone around...she's never been alone...it will take some adjustment. Keep going.

[Cfc86]

You guys were together for her entire adult life...I bet she does miss you. Keep in mind though that nothing has changed...the reason you guys broke up is still there...and it's more likely that she misses having someone around...she's never been alone...it will take some adjustment. Keep going.

 

That's the thing I don't. Know why she changed. Yeah I know she misses me. I just can't understand reason for breaking up it is gutting. I am keeping it up but will speak if she contacts. I do want her back so badly but only if it truly what she wants.

[Kehv]

Exactly what happened to me.

 

My Ex was with me for 6 years and we started dating when she was 17 years old. I was her first so we did all the partying together but she hardly ever went out on her own. We also had plans to marry, have kids....

 

Then all of sudden less than 2 months ago my Ex broke up with me. The only difference with the story above is that I did not see it coming. My ex basically replaced me for a colleague, went steady with him after 2 weeks of the breakup and also had sex with him. Now almost 2 months after the breakup they are going on a holiday (which was planned even sooner ofcourse). My ex says he's amazing and he did more for her than I did in 6 years (according to her). You probably realise this feels like your heart has been ripped out and stomped on. It also makes me feel like this guy is way better than me. My ex said she's already over me and that we will never get back together in the future (so not even after a breakup).

 

I've learned from this experience. It's the hardest time I've ever had to go through in my life. Imagine the girl of your dreams just dissapears overnight, falls in love with some other guy, has sex with him quickly after the breakup and while they are having fun (party's, holiday) you feel like you've never meant anything to her. All the time your ex is giving you some hope so you can't forget her. My ex was calling me everytime I tried doing NC and ofcourse I fell for it. What I do know is that you can't talk your ex into getting back with you, no matter how hard you try. There's no way you can get your ex back, unless maybe the person he/she is dating breaks up but other then that I don't think there's any way soon.

 

You will have to forget her and you will have to stop hoping she will get back. Still...... there's some 'hope'

[Kehv]

Not sure if people still read this thread but I still have something to add to above post.

 

It has been 2+ months since the breakup. My life consists of ups and downs, sometimes I feel OK and sometimes I feel really depressed whenever I think of all our good times. At this very moment my Ex is on that holiday with her new boyfriend. Prior to the holiday, My ex wanted to hang around with me a lot. First time she called me she visited me because there was still one item left in my appartment which she needed. She later told me it was an excuse to see me (whether that's a lie or not). My ex also said her boyfriend knew she still hung out with me (which I do not believe, because what boyfriend would let his girlfriend hang out with her ex?). My ex asked me to get a drink the day after and I told her it wasn't a good idea.

 

The day after she still called me asking me to get a drink. I refused but she became furious (probably because she isn't used to me rejecting her), she then send me an e-mail in the middle of the night (guess she couldn't sleep well since it was 2:30) in the mail she blamed me for all kinds of things but still said she wanted me to be happy and did not want to lose me as a 'friend' but she said it's best not to contact each other. Because I did not respond to her E-mail she started messaging me again the day after (I thought we had a NC?) because I did not respond she started calling me and even visiting my appartment (I was not home). Afterwards she started messaging and calling me. I picked up the phone and she was emotional (but did not want to tell me why) because I did not want to be her shoulder to cry on she became pretty pissed off and told me I would never speak to her again and she won't be available to talk to me anymore (yet , she did not block me).

 

Somehow my ex really wanted to be friends with me for whatever reason.

-Egoboost?

-Boredom?

-To Hurt me?

-Emotional crutch?

-She wants me to tell her I'm fine with the breakup?

-Backup partner?

 

Whatever the reason she still made it clear she won't get back with me. So there's no reason to hang out with her and get more hurt.

If she acted like this WITHOUT a boyfriend it would seem like she still loves me.

she has 5 signs that would normally be great for you if you want your ex back (they probably won't apply to ex's with a new partner):

-Contact (she still wants contact with me)

-Jealousy (not sure if she's really jealous but she keeps track of my facebook (through friends, I blocked her), Checks my appartment to see what I'm doing (and if there's someone else) and asks me about my dates, what the girls look like and what their names are.

-Wanting to be friends

-Breakup Sex (we had breakup sex and last time she told me she wanted to have sex with me but it wouldn't be right)

-Emotional (She's angry and emotional which is better than indifference)

 

Overall, I'm not sure it's really GIGS. It could mean she just moved on to a better guy (in her eyes). I do still hope she will ever see the light and come back to me but when that happens I'm most likely over her.

[Jusstme1977]

It will be alright.

[Tombaby]

KEHV,

 

I'm in the same boat as you. It hurts. Right down to the we can't talk anymore... Feeling replaced. Like everything you had was a lie because you were replaced so easily. That's the worst part. Them being "in love" so quickly. Like they didn't love you.

[Kehv]

KEHV,

 

I'm in the same boat as you. It hurts. Right down to the we can't talk anymore... Feeling replaced. Like everything you had was a lie because you were replaced so easily. That's the worst part. Them being "in love" so quickly. Like they didn't love you.

 

It has been a while since I last posted that.

 

My ex dumped me for another guy after 6 years. Perhaps, because of my begging they were officially in a relationship (sex) after 2 weeks. She wanted to hang out with me until 2 months after she dumped me, that's when I told her I did not want to be some kind of friend to her. (I think i wrote this in the last post aswell).

 

Anyways, after that she went on a holiday with the guy already after 2 months (since I got dumped). They are moving their relationship pretty fast If you ask me.

 

I've had some communication with my ex (it has been 3,5 months ago now). She messaged me things like "How are you" or "Congratulations!".... things without much meaning. It seems like she is passed the stage of mission me. I'm giving her all the freedom with the new guy, there isn't much I can do. Her birthday is coming up so I guess since she congratulated me I should return the favor but I'm not sure yet.

 

So yeah..... to be honest not much has happened. The only thing I can do is just wait and perhaps she realises she still loves me someday. The other guy isn't just a loser so things may take a while (if she ever changes her mind).

 

I'm doing better now ofcourse but still think a lot about her. Still can't understand why she left me while she mentioned marriage 2 weeks before she dumped me. Time Will Tell!

[cmpatable]

Kehv every time you respond to her you are only hurting yourself, especially if you have the smallest bit of hope of her one day realizing anything. It's clear as day what she is doing, and she knows that you will be there if she needs you. Do NOT wish her happy birthday... after all the only reason she congratulated you is to make sure she still has you tied up. You are making this easy for her. I am not saying she will come back if you go No Contact because chances are she won't, but at least you are not giving her any support for the mistakes she is making.

 

My ex left me about 4 months ago and although I think it's completely healthy to have some hope we need to make sure we are working on ourselves and being independently happy. The biggest mistake you can make at this point is to wait around for it to change because if it eventually does you will be sitting in the same position as when she left. One thing I've taken from my break up is that many of us on these boards dealing with the same issues don't realize our own part in things. Regardless if our exes have acted cruel or handled things poorly we need to remain introspective and focus on being the best individuals we can be and make sure we are always growing... even in relationships!... then the right relationship will present itself. It takes a break up for us to learn and grow, so instead of focusing on if she is learning from her mistakes... let it happen naturally because it is completely out of your control and work on what you can control. Yourself.