How to date and NOT just have hookups!?!?

[Jazzybelle28]

Hi All,

I would really appreciate advice, as I am at my wits end. I think that there are many girls that go through the same thing that I keep going through, over and over and over again.

 

Basically, I don't know how to get into the dating process with the guys that I like. I'm 28 now, and ever since college it's always been the same thing. I develop a crush on a guy....we see each other around at parties and events and we flirt.....one night we get drunk and hook up. And that's it. Nothing more comes of it. By the way, when I say 'hook up', 95% of the time throughout the years its just been making out (although recently its been a bit more).

 

My latest crush was no different. I met him through my sister. He sent me a few evites to parties over the last few months....I would attend, and he would flirt with me, but then again, I think he flirted with many girls. But he never wanted to hang out or contacted me in any other respect. Then, two nights ago for New Years, I went to his friend's party. I knew he would be there. He sent me a flirty text beforehand to confirm I was going. We saw eachother and hung out all night and one thing led to another and I had sex with him, which is not something I do often. And now I am having anxiety and I feel so disappointed with myself. I'm trying to console myself by telling myself that things with him weren't going to develop into anything further anyway....that he had never given me signs of wanting anything more...but I still feel like crap.

 

I have a hunch that it might be because of the type of guys I like. Or then again, it might just be me. I think I give off a vibe of being too available. For instance, for all 4 parties he invited me to in the last few months, I would always show up by myself, even though I didnt know the group of people there THAT well. They are all friends of my sister (who lives in a different city and can't attend any of the events) so they are all very nice to me, but nevertheless, I'm kind of an interloper in the group. Also, I enjoyed myself around this guy so much that I'd always be one of the last ones to leave. So maybe he never really thought of me as much of a challenge? Should I have not attended any of these parties? Should I have not attended alone? Should I have only stayed for a little bit? Do these things make no difference? Does it just depend on the guy and where he's at in life?

 

Sigh....even as I type this.....I'm sensing I know what I am doing wrong (everything...haha), but obviously i still need some help/advice, because I can't seem to figure out how to do it any differently. It's frustrating because I know girls who, no matter what they do, will have guys bend over backward to date them (even guys like my current crush). I'm definitely not one of these girls. I'm decently attractive.....I guess....but I don't think looks are the real the issue....

 

I know this has all been pretty vague, but any advice would be so greatly appreciated Thanks!

[SoMuchLove]

I develop a crush on a guy....we see each other around at parties and events and we flirt.....one night we get drunk and hook up. And that's it. Nothing more comes of it.

 

Don't hook up. The chase is over once you give them that. There's nothing left. Having dessert before dinner...

 

If a guy doesn't want to date you ther's not much you can do(besides play games t make him want to date you... which it each there own). Other than that, gauge to see if they have an actual interest in you as a person. If they flirt with you and you give in that's being too easy. If they flirt just look at it as harmless fun and allow them to work to get you.

[itsallgrand]

So I'm just wondering, what type of relationship are you looking for this time around?

 

Are you wanting something more serious and lasting to eventually come of the dating? Love, commitment, all that down the line?

 

Or are you just wanting some casual dating minus the hook-ups? Companionship?

 

It may be a combo of being attracted to men who are giving off vibes of looking for a fling and the positions you have been putting yourself in.

 

I think you are just ready to slow down your pace. What you were doing isn't wrong; it was just geared to getting fast hits.

 

Dating takes more patience is all. You can do it.

 

I do think you may be making yourself too available, honestly. You'll get better results if you give yourself more credit. You deserve reciprocal interest and effort - I don't think your going out of your way to arrive at his parties was an equal effort to the time he put into a few texts or a bit of flirting.

 

Don't linger on the past tho. You are on to bigger and better things now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The kind of guys you are going for are the kind of guys who just want to make out etc with someone at a party and nothing more. It is not the fact that you are going to the parties that is the problem...it is the fact that you play tonsil hockey and then some with any guy you flirt with at the party. Why can't you go to a party and just talk to men rather than make out with them. Perhaps there might have been guys who were interested in dating you but when they saw you getting drunk and making out with someone else they lost interest.

[Ariel85]

The real problem, hon, is that you lack boundaries.

 

You seem to think that if you hook up with a guy, then he will want to continue to date you.

 

I think you see how this has not worked out...

 

Remember - we teach people how to treat us. If you project yourself as someone who is DATE-WORTHY, then you will BECOME that person. If you continue to have crushes on guys who aren't even interested, and then give them sex, then you will continue to be miserable about your dating life.

 

If a guy is interested, he will ask you out. Otherwise you're just giving it all away in the hopes of keeping him around, and that will drive most guys away pretty fast.

 

Also, it does sound like you are pursuing guys who aren't too interested anyhow. Is this because it's safe?

[midnightrambler]

you get what you tolerate from men/women

[annie24]

my recommendation would be not to be too available to talk to them by endless typing/texting. like, don't respond back right away, or if you do, don't send more than a couple of texts a day, and only in response to them. if you are sending back and forth 50 text messages a day - i think he'll get the idea that you don't have anything else going on in your life.

 

and when you see them at the party - talk to him, of course, but don't forget to talk to others either. if they like you, they'll make sure to track you down!

 

oh yeah - and don't 'hook up' with them anymore. maybe a kiss at the end of the night on the cheek, or maybe one kiss, but no more than that. if he calls you the next day and suggests a real 1 on 1 date, then go!

 

i think it's unfortunate that some people have forgotten how to 'date'.

[annie24]

PS - i think we have to remember that flirting is kind of like browsing in a mall. just because you look at, pick up, or even try on a sweater, doesn't mean that you intend to buy it and take it home!!! keep that in mind. a guy who has sex with you with you isn't necessarily looking for a relationship from you. he may be content just to 'try it on.' my friend was telling me today she went to a jewelry store and the guy behind the counter let her try on a $50,000 necklace, even though she had no intention of buying it.

[Ball Four]

Everyone is going to tell you to just stop hooking up so soon but to me that's not the end all answer. I've had a great long term relationship with someone who made me wait and someone who did not.

 

I think you are on to something about the type of guys you are getting involved with lately. If I'm REALLY into a girl I want some one on one time like a date. A party with a bunch of other people around is the last thing I want at the beginning. It seems to me like they were just casting a wide net to get laid easier at their party.

[Batya33]

I would set boundaries - go to the party, choose not to hook up, and if the guy wants to see you again simply tell him nicely that while you enjoyed hanging out with him at the party, you prefer to get to know someone one on one. See what he suggests. if he suggests one on one time at his house, I would move on or perhaps say "well, no, I don't know you well enough yet to spend time with you at your house".

[CaptainPlanet]

Believe it or not I had the same problem. I could easily hook up with a lot of girls at parties because I was tall fit and confident. So I outright stopped hooking up with girls. Was painful sometimes when I knew I had the most direct in that I could think of. Almost comical at times.

 

The result is what you see now. A bitter angry 25 year old because girls simply won't date me. My theory is that people will hook up with other people if they act confidently, intelligently and can present themselves to be attractive. That does not really mean they like you or find you attractive. Meaning they won't go in for a full on relationship. Now I try asking out and forming a relationship with those same women and nothing would come of it ever. I can even think of one girl I could easily have made out with and possibly more but I didn't and asked her out instead. Ended up getting rejected.

 

When you have sex with them they usually want a relationship. But for some reason every time that happens I don't have much respect for the girl. Also the very attractive ones usually won't let me take it that far. When I got them home they'd almost always back out or just make out and not do anything else. A little bit of drunken fun on their part.

 

The bottom line is that I am not very attractive. People only want to date attractive people. You'll find attractive people that do a lot of hook ups usually end up in a relationship. Sorry, that is just the way it is. Maybe you are aiming a little bit too high ?

[Jazzybelle28]

Thank you all for your responses so far.

 

To be clear, I am not making out or having sex at every party I go to. Far from it. And most of that action was in college. In college I went to many bars and parties, but only on average kissed maybe four guys a year. I started having sex at age 23, and since then I've had four partners in all, one of which was a boyfriend I was with for 2 years. Another one of the four is this latest guy. So I'm definitely not playing tonsil hockey or having sex with every guy at every party. But yeah, all the same, I'm doing SOMETHING wrong. I do want a relationship, ultimately. I do not want hookups. Might have been ok for college, but definitely not fulfilling at this point in my life.

 

The irony of it all is that I'm terrified of guys knowing that I am flirting with them or interested in them in any way. Here's my typical thought process: "Yay! So-and-so invited me to this party! Oh no...but if I go does that mean I'll look desperate?"

 

Then I get there, and try to act a bit distant and very platonic, to compensate for the fact that I might seem into him by having shown up at the party. This happens over and over for a few events. And then finally, in my frustration that things are going nowhere with this guy, I get drunk and flirt and then overcompensate by hooking up.

 

Does that make sense?

 

You deserve reciprocal interest and effort - I don't think your going out of your way to arrive at his parties was an equal effort to the time he put into a few texts or a bit of flirting.

 

Thanks, itsallgrand. I do realize this....but in all my relationships, both romantic and platonic, I am used to putting in more than I receive....I am working really hard at setting better boundaries for myself and trying to have reciprocal relationships.

 

A few people mentioned that my problem is also partially due to the type of guys I pursue, which again I think might be true. But I'm frustrated because it seems like there are girls out there that know how to get a relationship out of any type of guy, even the so-called 'noncommittal' types....

[Ball Four]

These guys e-vite and text you about parties but are not asking if you want to grab a cup of coffee or something? To me that is telling. Maybe I'm wrong.

[Jazzybelle28]

CaptainPlanet, for me I don't know if it's necessarily aiming too high, or if it's aiming too, how shall I say it.....sleazy (hope that doesnt offend anyone). I am pretty sure all four guys I've slept with, including my ex-boyfriend, were pretty darn promiscuous.......I think I might be fighting a losing battle with these types. But I have a hard time controlling who it is I like. Plus I'm hard on myself and tell myself that if only I was a better flirt and better at playing the game, I would be able to make these guys want to give up their promiscuous lifestyles and be in a relationship with me.

[Batya33]

You don't need to be better at playing games. My advice is to stop choosing to get drunk and thereforee choosing the consequences which for you involves hooking up and giving men the impression that you are not serious-minded.Getting drunk is a game you play with yourself so you can tell yourself that your actions were not in your control.

[itsallgrand]

A lot of the effort, I find, that goes into dating is not just the choice of who to give a chance but who to not even bother going there. Walking away. Being on your own.

 

Don't worry about these women who seem to be able to make a relationship with any guy - no matter how promiscuous, high risk, or whatever else the guy may be.

 

There are countless stories on this board of women who have so much going for them, and yet continue on in a relationship with a guy where it isn't working (or worse, there's infidelity, abuse, he doesn't treat her right) because they have this idea in their head that they should somehow be able to make it work.

 

I don't think it works like that. It's a two way street. It takes two. If one person isn't willing or able to give you what you need, or to even give you a shot, that is their deal and not yours.

 

I guess I'm trying to get you to see that how a man acts towards you, whether he asks you on a date or not, what he gives out - those are things you can never ever control or decide.

 

The best you can do is go out there and put out your best, a good accurate reflection of who you really are and what you want, what you welcome into your life and what you will not tolerate - and leave yourself open to meeting and getting to know new men.

 

You just have to trust that there is someone who will be able to see and appreciate how much you have to offer. And when someone like that comes along, he will put some effort into spending real time getting to know you.

[Sierra2214]

Hey there. I am 26 and have the same problem with guys and dating these days. I have only been with 3 guys (one who was my longtime bf and two others who I was dating and in love with) I am flirty but have strong values and am not one of those crazy drunk girl types who seems loose.

 

I have been trying to figure it out now--why the guys I am interested in come on so strong and then become aloof. The last few I dated it started with flirting and then 'hanging out' which of course is not dating. They would text, call me and court me like crazy. I kissed both but would not sleep with either and would not stay overnight. They cooled off and that was it. It is so frustrating bc I really liked both and thought we had a connection-both mentally and were attracted to each other. I am kind of starting to see the picture after talking to my friends/family and on here.

 

I think part of it is the guys I choose...charming, handsome, confident... but at the same time extremely selfish. They lure you in and come on strong, courting you. But most are probably just interested in hooking up and whatever fulfills their needs that minute or night.

 

I tried everything...playing aloof...hard to get...not responding to text messages, saying I was way busier than I was etc. but that didn't work either. I guess bc they reached their only goal of getting me to lay with them and kiss them bc I finally came over without setting up a 1 on 1 "date". It's a shame that these games are played.

 

Dont be mad at yourself or disappointed with yourself for sleeping with him. It probably wouldn't have made a difference. He either wants a relationship or wants to hook up and it seems he just wanted to flirt, hook up and mess around.

 

You seem to have your head on straight and are recognizing what I have realized also. I will not be flirting anymore via text or going over to hang out as I now know that its all just part of their game. If someone is interested, make them work and actually take you out and give you that respect. I will do so next time around...

[bulletproof]

Maybe next time a guy asks you to come to a party, tell him you're busy. If he's interested he will likely make the effort to ask you on an actual date that involves just the two of you.

 

If you do happen to find yourself at a party with a guy you like, maybe try not to drink so much, or at all. If you want someone to take you seriously, you have to be a mature person. Save the drinking for safer times out with your friends.

 

There's a great quote: you have to be the person you'd like to date. In other words, like attracts like. I know you think you can't control who you're attracted to, but you might want to gain some insight about why you are attracted to certain types of people. Maybe a little part of you doesn't take yourself seriously, so you are projecting that and finding guys who don't take you seriously, either.

[Truth317]

I'm 28 now, and ever since college it's always been the same thing. I develop a crush on a guy....we see each other around at parties and events and we flirt.....one night we get drunk and hook up. And that's it. Nothing more comes of it. By the way, when I say 'hook up', 95% of the time throughout the years its just been making out

 

Spend less time at the parties drinking and more time sober so you can pay attention to what's going on.

[Scorpion Fury]

Don't hook up. The chase is over once you give them that. There's nothing left. Having dessert before dinner...

 

If a guy doesn't want to date you ther's not much you can do(besides play games t make him want to date you... which it each there own). Other than that, gauge to see if they have an actual interest in you as a person. If they flirt with you and you give in that's being too easy. If they flirt just look at it as harmless fun and allow them to work to get you.

 

The real problem, hon, is that you lack boundaries.

 

You seem to think that if you hook up with a guy, then he will want to continue to date you.

 

I think you see how this has not worked out...

 

Remember - we teach people how to treat us. If you project yourself as someone who is DATE-WORTHY, then you will BECOME that person. If you continue to have crushes on guys who aren't even interested, and then give them sex, then you will continue to be miserable about your dating life.

 

If a guy is interested, he will ask you out. Otherwise you're just giving it all away in the hopes of keeping him around, and that will drive most guys away pretty fast.

 

Also, it does sound like you are pursuing guys who aren't too interested anyhow. Is this because it's safe?

 

Don't hook up. The chase is over once you give them that. There's nothing left. Having dessert before dinner...

 

If a guy doesn't want to date you ther's not much you can do(besides play games t make him want to date you... which it each there own). Other than that, gauge to see if they have an actual interest in you as a person. If they flirt with you and you give in that's being too easy. If they flirt just look at it as harmless fun and allow them to work to get you.

 

 

I agree with these. STOP HOOKING UP. No one wants to buy the cow when you get the sex for free. And importantly, stop getting drunk with them. it impairs your judgment. If you're going to drink with them, I say stick to a two-drink maximum.