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Do you cut people off - completely?


Applewhite

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I just wanted to hear from people who have - or have never done this.

Do you cut people off completely? Relatives, friends?

 

I don't think I do this too often, but I have done it, and in those cases I feel it was justified. But I would like to hear other peoples thoughts on it.

 

When a family member has been disrespectful to you or another family member, or you have been through years of abuse with them (not necessarily physical) do you feel it is the right thing to do to chose NC forever and ever.

 

With friends, if you feel that they are lying, using you. If you feel they are jealous of you and selfish and through their actions this affects you in material and non material ways, do you thing erasing them from your life is the right thing?

 

Have you done any of these before? If so how many times, how old were you, how long was the friendship/relationship?

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I do. Ive done it to my dad and numerous people that were not worth my time. Sometimes things happen where one party is 100% wrong. Dishonesty is a big one. Ive lost friends ive had for years. As we grew our ideals changed (especially politically) and our goals change. Some people socialize differently, grow different beliefs, lack beliefs, lack education, etc. I think its okay, you will not get along with everyone and if you do maybe not forever. Its all a part of growing up.

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I've had to cut friends out. I haven't cut family out because no one has really treated me that badly. My brother doesn't treat me great and he's obnoxious, but he hasn't crossed a line. I just limit my contact. But with friends, I've definitely had to cut ties. Some have stayed gone and others I've reconnected with. What I can say is that the friends I reconnect with, something has to have changed. I don't go through the same issues twice. And it probably won't ever get back to what it was, but I at least try to have a decent friendship where there once might have been a very close one.

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I've had to cut friends out. I haven't cut family out because no one has really treated me that badly. My brother doesn't treat me great and he's obnoxious, but he hasn't crossed a line. I just limit my contact. But with friends, I've definitely had to cut ties. Some have stayed gone and others I've reconnected with. What I can say is that the friends I reconnect with, something has to have changed. I don't go through the same issues twice. And it probably won't ever get back to what it was, but I at least try to have a decent friendship where there once might have been a very close one.

 

May I ask what the issues were?

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I think "cutting people out" sounds like it has a lot of anger behind it and carries some malice towards the 'cut out' person. On the other hand, I think making a healthy decision to not continue in a toxic relationship with a friend or family member because that's what best for you is healthy. But it wouldn't mean that you wouldn't acknowledge them a party or on the street....just that you're no longer interested in putting energy into the relationship. And, healthy you is not anger or spitting about it...just thinking "meeh...that didn't work for me...I'm glad I'm not wasting anymore of my time"

Maybe I just got too caught up in the semantics....??

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Well I think of one friend in particular. It was a friendship that evolved into it being all about her. She would talk for hours on end about the same issue, a guy. She three-way called me into her voicemail so I could hear messages left by him. She gave me word by word examinations of conversations. She called at least once a day. Left two voicemails because the time on one wasn't enough. I rarely heard her ask how I was doing or what was going on with me. There was even a time when I told her a story about a guy in my life and as soon as I stopped she goes, "OK get ready for this one..." and started talking about herself. I had to remind her that she didn't even comment about anything I had just said. I also had to pay $200 extra on my cell phone bill because she was calling me from her house phone and not her cell phone and I didn't realize it. I never told her that though.

 

So we ended up having a huge fight while I was away in grad school (I think there's a thread on this) because she called me upset one day and I just couldn't talk at the moment. She got pissed off at me and wouldn't talk to me. I texted her two times once I got to the library to study and no response. We didn't talk for two months and then she called asking if I was mad at her. I told her I was upset because I did a lot for her as a friend and then when I can't talk, she acts like that. She told me that she was so depressed that night that she was going to kill herself and thank god the guy called. I explain to her that there was no way I could have known that. She then got off the phone with me, saying she had another call and she'd call me back but never did.

 

A couple years later I'm living back where we met and I run into her at my gym. We're polite but it's awkward. She eventually sends me a facebook message to talk about it and we work it all out. She apologized for how she acted and I explained how I felt the friendship had become one-sided. We're not as close as we were before AT ALL, but we're friends. We're actually hanging out Friday night and I'm excited!

 

Wow that was long...I'm sorry.

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I have cut off almost my whole family. The only ones I talk to are mom,dad,sister (and her family) and grandma. No one else could care less about how or what hey are doing. Not that they ever did anything wrong to me but I just don't care about them.

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I think "cutting people out" sounds like it has a lot of anger behind it and carries some malice towards the 'cut out' person. On the other hand, I think making a healthy decision to not continue in a toxic relationship with a friend or family member because that's what best for you is healthy. But it wouldn't mean that you wouldn't acknowledge them a party or on the street....just that you're no longer interested in putting energy into the relationship. And, healthy you is not anger or spitting about it...just thinking "meeh...that didn't work for me...I'm glad I'm not wasting anymore of my time"

Maybe I just got too caught up in the semantics....??

 

I do see your point, and in the specific situation I am thinking about anger was present. But more importantly my anger came AFTER my rational decision that I was better off without that friendship. It was like a moment in time a light bulb lit up and I suddenly realized I was being used. I wasn't angry then and there, I was just aware, and it got me thinking do I really want this person in my life.

 

Anger came after some further interaction. And it did not change the fact that I already wanted them out of my life.

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I did cut her off for a long time. This all happened my first year of grad school. So we had that last conversation March 2006. I didn't become friends with her again until maybe six months ago? So for all that time we had zero communication, probably close to two years.

 

But you asked about cutting someone off and if you'd let them back in again...so that was my example of when I did cut someone out and I did let them back in.

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I just reread your original post. You asked if you thought cutting people off for good is the right thing to do. I guess my point is that for me, if the person has changed and I don't think past issues will resurface, I am willing to do so like that in that example. If she started showing the same behavior (which she has not at all), then I would have distanced myself again.

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I did cut her off for a long time. This all happened my first year of grad school. So we had that last conversation March 2006. I didn't become friends with her again until maybe six months ago? So for all that time we had zero communication, probably close to two years.

 

But you asked about cutting someone off and if you'd let them back in again...so that was my example of when I did cut someone out and I did let them back in.

 

Well I understand what you are saying, even though I am not sure I have been through something like that. Your friend was going through a phase, and whatever she was going through made her act in certain ways that was not acceptable to you. But there are certain traits people have that no matter what phase they are in and out of, it is THEM. And after their 30's I doubt many people have the insight or strength to change themselves so deelpy. (Some may but I am talking about averages here). Things like values, way of thought, they're true personalities. Selfishness, lying, cheating, using/taking advantage of or just different values, these kinds of things.

Your friend really didn't have many of these problems, perhaps maybe selfishness but I believe it was only on that issue and as I said it was a phase for her. She eventually realized what was wrong and changed it.

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If you're talking about someone who has a personality that you don't want in your life, then I think it's OK to distance yourself. You are allowed to pick and choose who you let in. Like another poster said, cutting off is kind of harsh. You can be civil with someone without having a lot of contact or letting them in.

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Haha..yes..I have definetely needed to cut people out of my life who were "toxic" for me.

I have had situations very similar to Daligal's...very self centered "me first" "friends". it gets REAL old..REAL FAST. Some peopleare just emotional vampires...and will suck the living daylights out of you. My ru;le of thumb is..if someone is bringing more misery than happiness to your life.....dump them.Life is too short.

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Yes, I have done this. ONce with an aunt that was always harassing and staying in my business and another with a friend who was continually being harassing and insulting. I removed them both from my life and have not spoken to either of them in years. I told them why i was doing it, and didn't act petty, I just told them it wasn't good for me to remain in the relationship and i stated that i felt they should find people who are more likeminded because I was not of the same mindset. They both loved drama and gossip and it got to the point that being around them caused more tension than anything good and i don't care to subject myself to such negativity.

 

I'd do it again if the issue ever presents itself.

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i recently had to cut a girl i really liked out because at first we were really good friends and getting really close, but something happened which led her to get a boyfriend, ,

 

and since then shes been really quiet, i ask how shes doing and she tells me, but she doesnt seem to care about whats happening in my life or anything, and i still had feelings for her.

 

i decided it would be best to just cut her out because thinking about her would just bring about more pain

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Yes, I've done it to my mother's entire side of the family, and I've done it to my father. I've also done it to a former friend. And maintained it.

 

For me, it's not out of spite, it's a symbol that these people do not deserve my time, recognition, or relationships.

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I have "cut people off" in the sense that I have chosen not to continue having a relationship with them. I have done this with one or two so-called friends (who were clearly NOT my friends) and a couple of members of my family who treated my parents very poorly. There is no anger or malice involved in my situations -- at least not anymore -- I have let go and forgiven them, but for me, forgiveness is very different than keeping up a relationship with people who are toxic to me and/or other people that I love.

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