Do you cut people off - completely?

[Batya33]

In the last 5 years I cut off two people. Most recently, a friend for almost 30 years - the relationship became increasingly toxic and early this year she did the last straw thing so I cut her off (and I posted here about it). I would be willing to be in contact with her if one of her family members was ill or in a bad situation. For the most part I am relieved to have her out of my life but of course there is some sadness and some ambivalence.

 

The other person I was friends with for almost 2 years, she was a "train wreck" and I dealt with it ok until she subjected me to her drama. I ended our friendship 5 years ago. Two years ago I learned that she had been diagnosed with cancer so I sent her a card opening the door for her to get in touch if I could help. She didn't. I know through mutual friends that she is doing ok now. I had some ambivalence but again, mostly relief.

 

A friend cut me off years ago and I never really understood why. We were very close friends for about two years in grad school and one day she cut me off and i heard the reasons why second hand. They made no sense, I tried to get back in touch, I apologized, no deal. Over the years I heard she was not doing well emotionally/mentally.

[Kinetics]

I can be very mean to people if I really need to, but generally I don't do it.

 

There's been times where I almost thought of cutting off ties because of their actions or attitude problems. But after a certain period of time, you learn to forgive them.

 

People aren't inherently evil, we all have our quirks and it's up to others to be able to tolerate it or not. People tell me I have a high tolerance, but well...it's simpler than that sometimes, I choose to ignore it.

 

That and friendship is a mutual thing. If you try to maintain it, and the other guy keeps distancing away from you, well there's really not much you can do about that.

[JadedStar]

Yes, I've done it to my mother's entire side of the family, and I've done it to my father. I've also done it to a former friend. And maintained it.

 

For me, it's not out of spite, it's a symbol that these people do not deserve my time, recognition, or relationships.

 

yea, neither time that i have done it was out of spite. As a matter of fact i don't look at either of them with any negativity or ill will. I wish them both well. I just couldn't have them in my life.

 

I don't even see the act as being mean. I see it as being productive. I didn't end any of these relationships with any malice and told them both i wished them well. They couldn't honestly say "well jaded was a btch about it" because I wasn't.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Wow.. I can really relate to all this recently.

 

Family: yes I have cut off an aunt of mine. It's mutual though. I posted a thread about her recently, and how she used to verbally/emotionally abuse me by calling me names and downgrading/degrading (?) me to my face. To this day when I recently, finally confronted her about all this, all she had to say was "well? So what? I admit I said it, b/c it's true." (She used to call me a lazy piece of SXit, selfish, user, good for nothing, and that all I do is sleep and eat. Wth?

Funny thing is, this all happened during 5-10 yrs back. I still haven't forgotten all the stuff she told me and how she made me feel bad for even watching tv, I'd still talk to her if it wasn't for her still being so mean for no legitimate reason. Problem is she seems to hate me and won't talk to me at all unless it is to give me a dirty look or whatever.

 

I cut people off but if I see them I don't mind saying a simple "hello". Life's too short to waste your energy hating someone and trying to get revenge on them.

I cut off my aunt/she cut me off ever since I was 16 but we've spoken on and off. The last years though we don't speak at all even though she visits my house to see other relatives.

 

 

I also avoid another immidiate aunt and her family, due to them always gossiping and badmouthing/critisizing me and all my actions behind my back. I hate 2 faced people.

 

 

Friends: yes, in highschool I had friends, Best friends who I cut off. We'd been friends for yearsss... I'm talking 5+ years, ever since I was 8. When I was 15 I finally had enough of them using me, and also always leaving me out of things. Or making me feel like I was an outcast.

At first I was lonely and it was hard making new friends. But eventually I made some really nice friends who DID include me more and where alot more friendly/welcoming.

 

I cut off another friends too who I cared very much for. But she was eally selfish and inconsiderate. We've been friends for 10+ years. I hadn't spoken to her in a year till recently. I only called to say hi to her.

 

Excuse my longgggg reply lol. But this question really got me thinking/expressing myself.

[ChaosOrder]

I haven't cut anyone out of my life... yet... Although I am actually planning to next month, when I get a chance to see him face to face. He's been really ignorant and heartless with regards to hurting my feelings on a number of occasions in the past few months, and then ignored me when I called him on it. I've lost all respect for him, and I don't think that I could ever trust him again, so I'm going to cut him out of my life, even though we've been close friends for 3 years.

I haven't told any of my other friends that I'm going to do this because I want to wait until I can see him face to face and tell him in person, where he can't just ignore my emails. I'll try my darndest not to do anything like smack him in the face (even though he deserves it) and just professionally tell him that I don't want any contact from him at all, ever again. This might be difficult since he's one of a circle of friends and will affect friendships with these other people, but provided I disown him in a civilised manner I should hope that they understand.

Hey, if a friend is truly undeserving of your time, and you seriously don't even like them, and can't rely on them, why still have them as a friend?

I've never done this before, and I hope that I never have to do it again, but I'm sure now that I have to do it this one time.

[Applewhite]

That is pretty close to the way I feel. Except even though I tried, she wasn't very civilized. Well I guess that is shame on her and not me.

[Abby]

This is an interesting thread and I can understand why many people choose to cut others out of their lives.

 

I've seen evidence of some very clear communication in this thread whereby the person cutting out the offender has explicitly told them why it's happening.

 

I'm wondering, are there any people who cut others out of their lives and NOT say anything to the other party? Do you find they bug the hell out of you when they've realised something is wrong?

 

I've been silently cut out of people's lives and have absolutely no idea why. I've tried to open a dialogue to establish if I've upset/offended them and while I understand they may no longer want a relationship with me, in the very least, I hope that they will accept my apology. That is, of course, if I have done something to upset/offend them rather them deciding they're just bored with me and moving on to someone else. But I'm met with more silence, so I'm still none the wiser; whether it's me or them. It's not a good feeling.

[laisla]

I'm wondering, are there any people who cut others out of their lives and NOT say anything to the other party? Do you find they bug the hell out of you when they've realised something is wrong?

 

I've been silently cut out of people's lives and have absolutely no idea why. I've tried to open a dialogue to establish if I've upset/offended them and while I understand they may no longer want a relationship with me, in the very least, I hope that they will accept my apology. That is, of course, if I have done something to upset/offend them rather them deciding they're just bored with me and moving on to someone else. But I'm met with more silence, so I'm still none the wiser; whether it's me or them. It's not a good feeling.

 

*raises hand* me.

it usually isn't about you, it's about them. cutting you off out of nowhere is a way for them to deal with themselves. of course sometimes it's the person they cut off who angers them or pulls the last straw, however by being cut off silently it just makes it less confronting to the person who cut you off. let them go. don't pursue them and try to apologize. it will NOT help.

[ChaosOrder]

That is pretty close to the way I feel. Except even though I tried, she wasn't very civilized. Well I guess that is shame on her and not me.

 

I'm not expecting him to act civilised when I do it in fact, and that's why I'm going to employ a certain tactic. (Or at least I plan to) I know that once I tell him that the friendship is over, he's going to start asking questions about why I've gone to this extent... So instead of giving an enormous explanation, which would likely result in an argument, my plan is to have a letter on that day, which would include detailed information on all of my reasons for doing this. (If I do something like this without giving an explanation, my other friends might think that I've 'gone off the rails' and that I haven't thought the decision through) I can basically tell him that the friendship is over, that I don't want him to contact me ever again, then give him the letter of explanation and walk away.

I'd be afraid that if I was to tell him myself, that I'd be swayed should he start apologising and crying or something and that I'd not go through with it because of my emotional state. (I've been friends with him for 3 years and we had some good times, so it's obvious that this is going to be a hard thing for me to carry out) He's had chances to apologise, and yet he still refused to do so, and I pretty much know that if I was to back down he'd just start crapping all over my feelings again when he thought that I'd gotten over it. (He's already done that before)

 

Do people think that this 'letter' method is a good idea? Any possible complications that people can think of? I already know that he'll likely show our friends the letter so I'll be taking that into account.

[Andie.]

I've sort of 'cut people off' in a way. But it was usually them doing it first so I was pretty much forced to treat them the same way. I have bascially no contact with anyone in my dad's family. And somewhat limited contact with people in my mom's family (and my mom herself has limited contact with some of her family).

 

The reasons for having little or not contact are actually petty. Certain people decided to hold grudges for some pretty silly things. It's just ridiculous.

[ChaosOrder]

I've sort of 'cut people off' in a way. But it was usually them doing it first so I was pretty much forced to treat them the same way. I have bascially no contact with anyone in my dad's family. And somewhat limited contact with people in my mom's family (and my mom herself has limited contact with some of her family).

 

The reasons for having little or not contact are actually petty. Certain people decided to hold grudges for some pretty silly things. It's just ridiculous.

 

I know that some people might look at my situation (won't go into it) and think I'm disowning someone over something 'petty', but it's gotten to the point where I know that if I don't do something drastic about it, he's just going to walk all over me again, and again, and again... and I'll just end up getting emotionally hurt, again and again and again... so I just think that it's not worth it in the long run, and I'd rather end it now and get on with my life.

 

My dad and my brother don't speak to eachother anymore after a somewhat 'petty' argument, and they're now both much happier people. I think that this will likely be the case when I disown my friend next month.

[hmdreamer7]

The reasons for having little or not contact are actually petty. Certain people decided to hold grudges for some pretty silly things. It's just ridiculous

 

I've had this recently with a sister of mine. Firstly, she had a huge fight with one of her childhood friends, and they didn't talk to each other for a couple of years. Finally, her friend contacted her, gave a heartfelt apology, even sent an apology letter... and my sister decided that she wasn't going to apologize back. I've asked her why not, and she never had a reason, she just wouldn't. It was as though she liked the idea of someone groveling at her feet - not exactly like that, but that sort of feeling I guess.

 

Then a couple months later, my sister and I start having fights. They were mostly petty and immature comments made by both of us, but I felt that she was being much more harsh to me as she would make comments about my career and my image, which, with my image, she knows I'm very sensitive about it. I couldn't take it anymore, and for the first time in my life, I cut off ties with her. Now I can't stand the thought of being in the same room with her. Just recently we've been emailing and it's been cordial, and I do feel that we have a good chance of going back to the way things were before our fighting... so in this case, I feel our NC has helped us. I only wish I could say the same about her and her friend.

[Binoo]

I've never cut a family member out of my life before.

Friends on the other hand...

 

I used to let people step all over me. I always cared if people liked/approved of me. Now, I'm too busy with my own life that I simply just don't have the time to care anymore. Friends are so temporary. Especially these days when it's difficult to find someone who can even hold a proper conversation. I don't find I become attached to friends very easily anymore and can only think of a couple geniune and close friends that I would terribly miss if I were to move away etc.

 

I find that generally, people only become friends with other people because of favours etc... money, connections and so on. Maybe I'm just bitter but I have no problem completely dismissing someone from my life if I find they start mooching off of me, being abusive etc.

 

Also, in response to a question asked on the thread: Yes, I have cut people out of my life without mentioning it and you know what? A lot of them were so apathetic and self involved that they didn't even notice or ask until several months later.

[tom1607307597]

I've had to do it a few times with old friends from high school. Usually it involved having to come to the conclusion on my own that these ppl weren't interested in keeping any kind of friendship going. Most of the time it just happens, you stop talking to each other and then stop making contact. Whether or not it was done w/o mentioning it has always been kinda ambiguous with me (maybe both parties decided to do it). If they don't want to be in your life why should you waste time trying to make them a part of yours. That's my reasoning anyway. The only time it's happened with family members was with a few cousins and who I was never that close to begin with. In their case we just weren't very close to stay in contact all the time.

[bittertea]

I'm wondering, are there any people who cut others out of their lives and NOT say anything to the other party? Do you find they bug the hell out of you when they've realised something is wrong?

 

 

I'm in the midst of doing that right now It's almost like a mutual cut-off. But on my part, it's practically out of necessity because I can't stand to deal with getting the *no-response* if I confront her. It also kills me not knowing * * * happened. Especially when things just abruptly ends.

 

Just feeling entirely clueless, helpless, angry and sh*tty atm.