My gf keeps old gifts from her ex and doesnt see anything wrong with it

[JadedStar]

She might have brought it up as a tease, i do'nt know and can't say that for certain. What is certain is your harping on this way too much. Let's say worse case it WAS a tease. the way you are going on and on about it is a bit too much. There is no harm keeping past gifts.

 

And you saying 'what is it with ya'll women" is insulting and doesn't put you in a very positive light. Men have kept gifts and notes as well. Melrich, who sided with you, also said he keeps them. And i am sure countless other men do as well.

 

Chill out. I think you are going to drive her away over something stupid. Ok if it were a tease or test, phooey for her. But it is NOT the end of the world but if you continue to harp on this and turn it into a dealbreaker you might lose. If that possible outcome is ok with you, then continue as is.

 

You might not be a controlling person, but you are bordering on being a very unreasonable person.

[tron123]

all this is getting me mad. part of me feels like saying im done with this relationship. but im not like most guys, im old fashioned. i dont like being single and i wanted to settle down soon (she said she wanted to too, incase somebody would say were probally on different pages) i always invisioned myself starting a family in my early 20s and im 22 now. im done with the party seen and meeting different woman.

[ghost69]

depends on what the gifts are. If they're mushy sentimental gifts like a heart-shaped...whatever, I don't know...then I would get rid of it. But if it was like a camera or something not so romantic, hell no I wouldn't get rid of it.

 

hell yeah. keep the good stuff for sure.

[ghost69]

all this is getting me mad. part of me feels like saying im done with this relationship. but im not like most guys, im old fashioned. i dont like being single and i wanted to settle down soon (she said she wanted to too, incase somebody would say were probally on different pages) i always invisioned myself starting a family in my early 20s and im 22 now. im done with the party seen and meeting different woman.

 

good luck being with someone you love based on this outlook on life.

[tron123]

oh, i said 'yall women' cuz it seems yall like to do things like that. holding on to the past. some guys might but not as much as girls it seems. i didnt mean to offend yall.

[JadedStar]

It's definitely not just women Tron...

 

When i started dating my current SO in his place on the bar was a big plant and the pot had hearts all over it. I said wheredya get that in a playful manner and he mentioned his ex.

 

not one time did it even ruffle my feathers. It was a great vase/pot. It was a great plant. It had hearts on it which even suggested it was a Val Day gift.

 

No way did i ask him to throw it out and it didn't bother me at all.

 

Ironically when we moved in together he decided to throw it out himself. I never asked and it didn't even make me feel the slightest but bothered had he kept it.

 

He still has heart boxers from an ex. Big deal LOL

[tron123]

It's definitely not just women Tron...

 

When i started dating my current SO in his place on the bar was a big plant and the pot had hearts all over it. I said wheredya get that in a playful manner and he mentioned his ex.

 

not one time did it even ruffle my feathers. It was a great vase/pot. It was a great plant. It had hearts on it which even suggested it was a Val Day gift.

 

No way did i ask him to throw it out and it didn't bother me at all.

 

Ironically when we moved in together he decided to throw it out himself. I never asked and it didn't even make me feel the slightest but bothered had he kept it.

 

im over the gift part, its the fact that she even wanted to keep the notes i dont understand

[laisla]

im over the gift part, its the fact that she even wanted to keep the notes i dont understand

 

she'll let go of them when/if she wants to. posters have said here several times that some people just like to keep the memories.

[tron123]

well, i guess i think differently than most people cuz i wouldnt keep love notes or hold onto past relationships, cause thats what it seem like ur doing.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If all she has is stuff that he gave her during her prior relationship with him, then no reason for her to give up purses or clothes or whatever. They were dating and he had a right to give it to her, and she just likes the stuff. Doesn't mean she still has feelings for him at all, just being practical and keeping things she likes or uses.

 

But if he is still giving her stuff and she is still taking it from him, then the problem is you have a girlfriend who is willing to use her ex to get goodies. She is taking all that stuff from him because she likes the stuff. But the poor guy is being a fool to give stuff to someone else's girlfriend.

 

and you'd be a fool to marry a girl who is willing to take a whole lot of material goods from another guy while she's with you. That means she's willing to sell herself for things, and is willing to use men to get things.

 

which means that if she meets a guy she finds attractive who can give her better things than you give her, she'll leave you for him. Or she'll lead a bunch of men on while with you to get stuff. One step away from prostitution in my book, to take gifts from other people under false pretenses.

[JadedStar]

I also mistakenly thought (the way his OP was worded) that this was STILL occurring but it seems the OP clarified this is all past gifts. I agree that if it was current its a disrespect issue, but i dont think that is the case.

[laisla]

well, i guess i think differently than most people cuz i wouldnt keep love notes or hold onto past relationships, cause thats what it seem like ur doing.

 

that's where you and her differ. you have to consider if that would be a dealbreaker.

[ColorBlue]

I agree that is odd to keep notes, but it ISN'T unreasonable. If it were me, I'm not sure whether or not I'd throw away love notes, I'd probably feel weird about them after a while. But some people like to keep these things! As long as she isn't reading them all the time, what's the big deal? Why can't you just chalk this up to "Oh well, she thinks differently than me on this and its not really all that big of a deal anyways."

 

IF you are still insisting she needs to lose the gifts, That is completely unreasonable. Why give up free things like the things she's been given? They're practical, and they serve a purpose in her everyday life. Just because you would throw away everything from an ex, doesn't mean that's how everyone should act. Everyone is their own person. As it looks anyways, from the opinions of the posters in this thread, Most people would keep gifts like these. That one poster's BF even kept the Valentine's plant pot for awhile, until he voluntarily threw it away one day.

 

There are faults on both sides of this problem, but you need to be able to let go of some things. I realize you've sacrificed for her at every turn, as I think you've said, but you didn't really Have to. You could have had her sacrifice as well. Maybe you were being a pushover and maybe you weren't, but it seems weird to me to bring up what you Have done to try to win a point over. Each situation should be treated as its own, in my opinion.

 

Like the poster above me said, you should figure out if this is a dealbreaker for you or not. But as most people have said, this isn't as big of a problem as you're taking it to be.

[JadedStar]

I still have my wedding ring in my jewelry box from my first marriage. My SO knows it. He doesn't care. He knows that the marriage is over, i am over the ex, and that there is nothing to be worried about. If he really was bothered by it i might have given it to my daughter, but i never even think about that ring. I just couldn't see throwing it away.

 

If someone can handle a person having a wedding ring, i can't imagine why swallowing her having a purse is such a big pill to wash down.

 

I think you both should suck this one up and realize that this is such a petty thing to be worried about. If she did bring this up to tease or taunt, then she got hers when you made a big issue of it. But even if that is what she did, its time to let it go.

 

If you don't want to then be prepared to lose her. Your posts are so stubborn and immovable. Maybe you never experienced any real relationship strife yet and that is why you choose to make this such a big deal. And yes, you CHOOSE to do this. It is not something that most people would lose sleep over.

 

Evaluate your love for her and this issue. Which one is stronger? If the former and not the latter, please just let this drop.

 

Life is too short and if we find someone we love we should be able to overlook the little things, and this IS a little thing.

[laisla]

^ she's right.

 

if i had some nice jeans or some jewelry from an ex i'd still keep them lol. actually i have this diamond heart necklace that an old "friend" gave to me...i still have it, cause it's pretty and i don't want to get rid of it. my boyfriend doesn't care, he got me another one which i wear more often.

[tron123]

oh, i've stated in earlier post that the gifts arent important. I yelled at her that she should give the gifts back, but i admit I was still reacting and heated from when she told me about the notes. i know it doesnt make sense to give gifts back. i mean my own mother has kept things from her previous marriage, but I cant wrap my mind around why she would want the notes.

[JadedStar]

How many people actually sit down and read old saved emails and letters? I have a few saved, not from ex's, but some emails i saved for posterity. I can't remember ever really reading them even tho i saved them.

 

I still say let it go. She might just be a sentimental sort. Like i said if my guy can handle my keeping my old wedding ring couldn't you handle a few notes?

 

Is she keeping them out in the open or tucked away in a box? if tucked away they are going to be out of sight out of mind. YOU are bringing them to mind every single time you mention them and you might succeed in making her think maybe i should have stayed with the ex.

 

I think you are going to succeed in perhaps giving her thoughts about this relationship you'd rather not have her think....you are going to create a self fulfilling prophecy. You dont like her having them as you dont want her holding onto the ex yet everytime you make an issue of this she has to think of those notes again, and likely him.

 

if she keeps them on the nightstand, sure that is petty and trite. But if they are tucked away in a box like most people do, big deal.

 

And very uncool to have raised your voice and demand she get rid of those gifts. That IS controlling.

[tron123]

this argument took place between texting, in person,and on the phone. when i yelled she should get rid of the stuff, it was a yell through texting by using, !'s and caps. ive never raised my voice to any woman in my life, my mother taught me better than that.

 

but back to the issue, ive always lived by this formula and thought others should too, "if my girl isnt happy, than im not happy." if i did something that made my girl upset than i would stop it or get rid of it. even if i didnt see what the big deal is. and i thought she would do the same. ive never asked my gf to change anything about herself, but she wouldnt even consider this and think it over, even if i was wrong to ask her to get rid of stuff.

[Snoopy24]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I want to say in my opinion you are being extremely controlling.

 

Now if she had old letters on her bedside and read them every night..then yea, you would have every right to be mad.

 

She is with you, not them. Some people like keepsakes from their past. It doesn't mean she is still in love with them. You have to realize every relationship she has had, is a part of who she is. I have never had a bad break up so I don't see the need to throw years of my life in the garbage just because I'm in a new relationship. It doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less. I have boxes of letters and gifts from ex's in my basement. I haven't looked at them in years, but they are there, and will stay there.

 

I really think you should let it go. If you keep harboring on this and she were to throw it all away, she was probably hold some resentment towards you later on.

[Rabican]

If the gift is a love letter, a poem a mushy photo of the two of them in a nice frame... yeah its time to get rid of it.

 

If the gift is a nice pair of shoes, a jacket, a watch etc. why should she throw away perfectly good clothes, items etc. because you feel insecure.

 

lets say I had an ex, that bought me a watch (I dont) but Ill be darned if I would get rid of it, and buy a new one just because the current girl didnt like the fact that the ex bought it.

[lady00]

ive always lived by this formula and thought others should too, "if my girl isnt happy, than im not happy." if i did something that made my girl upset than i would stop it or get rid of it.

 

Have you considered that she may think it is unreasonable of you to demand this of her? I think it's a nice philosophy, but I would never give it to a demand my bf made that I found to be unreasonable. If I think it's a good idea or not a big deal and it makes him happy, then yes. But you assume that it's not a big deal to her. It may be an issue of principle to her.

[tron123]

why would she ask did i want her to throw them away. part of me think it was my, "yea, u should throw it away!" reaction that made her be like, no!, all stubbornly.

 

now she is saying she know why i got upset but she doesnt want to talk about it and wants to move on. but i think if nothing got resolved than something similar will come up in the future. i would rather work things out now then for something similar to come up later when done commited to each other.

[blackpanther]

Listen to yourself.

 

Your gf can do what she wants when she wants. Being committed to eachother doesn't mean you have to give up things you believe in or change who you are. It means accepting your SO for who they are.

 

I think your main issue is that you believe because you do so and so for her and 'never' get anything in return that she should do this for you. Life and relationships don't work that way. That is an issue all in itself and you should talk to your girlfriend about that- that you feel you give and she takes and does not give back. Maybe from that she will realize to start giving in other ways or you will decide not to give so much.

 

Marriage and/or commitment doesn't mean your SO should do everything you want them to do. It means you respect them and love them for who they are and you are willing to deal with and accept their faults. It's also about compromise but everyone has a right not to compromise on things they don't want to. Meaning she may not be willing to compromise on the notes but she may compromise in other ways.

 

The biggest thing I learned in my previous 3 year relationship is: Is it right to make someone do something they don't want to do? Why would you want to hurt them?

 

And personally, I always keep a box of little reminders of previous relationships. I have barely ever even looked at them. When I did look at one from a relationship I had that ended 4 years ago, I laughed because it was funny to read about myself and him back then. I definitely had and have NO thoughts of getting with him ever again. Anyway...

 

My final advice to you-

Accept your girl for who she is and try to work out on the main issue- that you feel like you give and she does not give back. It's an important issue. Also realize that just because she wants to keep the notes does not mean she wants to get back with her ex or thinks about him and memories. It's a part of her life that she doesn't just want to throw away. Can you accept that?

[tron123]

my gf just texted me to say she's sorry and she loves me. i told her i love her too but i still need her to read this email i sent her earlier in the day. In it i told her how i felt about things and why i reacted the way i did. i apologized for some things. others, i still was confused about. shes gonna read it when she gets home in a little bit. so ill let anybody who still cares no how it went and how she responded to my letter.

[tron123]

ok,she says she read the email and shes sorry about the notes. she now undertands why her keeping notes upset me. whether she truly is gonna get rid of them, i dont know. but the fact that she still loves me, is sorry, and wants to be with me should mean something. so im gonna let the issue go and just try to move on wth her.