blackpanther

Thank you all for your advice. I'm going to be spending some alone time to think things over. But it really has been very helpful. I guess it's just really hard to accept that maybe it isn't worth it... especially when you're too caught up in it. My life pretty much does revolve around him... it's happened in past relationships. Either way, it's time for change. Thanks.

He told me that I have to be able to trust him, which is true. I feel like I'm somewhat justified in feeling mistrustful but I try to work towards trusting him. He tells me that while during our relationship he has never given me any reason not to trust him so by now I should trust him and that it's my fault if I don't trust him and only my problem. I agree it is up to me to just accept it and move on... What I find frustrating is that he can do all those things... things that quite blatantly tell me he doesn't really think I'm important or a priority. And then everyday he'll call me to say goodnight and since I can't drive, he ALWAYS picks me up and drives me home and does favors for me. That he'll buy me things(moderately as I buy him little things) and that he just makes me feel so wonderful and happy when we're on good terms. Why is it like he is two different people? It makes it so hard. That way, when he treats me bad and I feel so terrible I cry a whole night over a stupid fight I feel like maybe we should end things. And then the next day, we'll get along and feel so happy and everything feels better and picture-perfect and then I think to myself: What was I thinking? It's like one big circle I want to break out of.

Yes... I know it is controlling. And I don't want to control him or make him feel that way. So only when things REALLY upset me do I mention it upsets me, otherwise I tell myself that I can't tell him what to do. But maybe I'm just not that good at it. I guess sometimes I'm just really scared. He told me he would go anyway, and there's nothing else I can say anyway, so I just shut up about it. I always try to tell myself that if he cheats, he cheats. There's not much I can do about it either way... but I just feel so scared sometimes. I try my hardest not to bring it up. And I try my hardest to tell myself that he won't cheat on me. And most of the time I feel fine. It's really only when I'm feeling insecure and upset with him that it really worries me. Unfortunately a lot of our relationship is about him and what he wants to do. If he doesn't want to do something, he makes up a 'logical excuse'. Either it being family obligations or school obligations or that he is tired. And yes they can all be good excuses but I started to notice a pattern. And to Rose, that is EXACTLY how I feel. I've even said to him: You just want to hide me away and only take notice I'm your gf when you're with just me. I like going out and having fun. I'm understanding in the fact that we have our own friends. For instance, one weekends we reserve one night for us and one night for our friends without eachother. But I don't see why on our "us" night we can't go out with eachother's friends. This has also been a common theme in our relationship. When he's with me, it's always at his house we hang out, or we go out to supper or a movie alone. I like going out and so does he. But he will not go with me. He tells me he's tired and would rather stay at home 'ALL the Time' with a few exceptions like my birthday. And then the next night he will go out with his buddies to a bar. And so I decided okay, we'll switch it up next weekend. I'll see him on Saturday so he's not tired... Well, he went out on Friday night with his friends and then was too hungover to go out with me on Saturday. It's like I can never win. So that's another reason I'm not too happy with his 4 day party... it's like I'm never good enough to go out with but everyone else is.

Hey, this may be a little long, but I'll try and keep it as short as I can. For a little backround, I've been dating my SO for about a year and 4 months. We've had a lot of problems and it's been a bumpy road. We have almost broken up a number of times mainly due to the fact that we have fought a lot and we weren't very happy eachother. I don't usually come on forums to get help because in a way I believe that how could other people, especially strangers be objective since there is no way that anyone could know the full story in detail. Obviously I am here because I am hurting so the story I give is my point of view and quite biased. However, I just feel so alone and desperate to gain ANY insight or helpful advice. And I don't have many girlfriends really that I'm close enough to talk to about this. The one guy friend who would talk to me and give me advice likes me, so obviously he would want my boyfriend and I to break up. So... here goes. First of all, our relationship started on mistrust. I never thought it would be an issue, but it is now. You see, I met him one summer and he had a girlfriend. I was filled in that he was decided whether to break up with his current gf or get with this other girl who he knew that he liked and she liked him back. Well, when this other girl was gone away, he met me. We were instantly attracted to eachother and he forgot about this 'other girl'. Eventually I started dating him... while he was still with his ex. He broke up with her about a week later since she was away as well and couldn't tell her before then. They were also on a break at this point. So here's what we're fighting about right now. He just started university this year. And we all know that in University you meet a lot of new people and party(if that's what you're into which my SO is). Well, it hasn't been much of a problem. He's made lots of new friends and a lot of which are women. It didn't bother me... well, it did in the tiny littlest bit, but I would never mention it to him. So then he told me last week that there was this 4 day party hosted by his university and that he planned to go to it. This caused me instant fear. It has always kind of been in the back of my mind that if he decided he met me and dated me by cheating on his ex, then couldn't he do it again? I just kept trying to not think about it and push those thoughts away. The thing is, my other friends who are at Uni told me about these parties... such as how everyone is flirting with eachother and how everyone hugs one another and my friends themselves hooked up with numerous people at these things. In their words: Basically this 4 days party is to just find hookups and flirt a lot. So that makes me REALLY scared. But here's the thing... obviously I mistrust him somewhat... but even if I DID trust him completely, I still wouldn't want him going. I know I wouldn't. It's 4 days of partying. I'm not invited(please be noted that... I want to hang out with his friends and meet them but as of yet, I only see him when we're alone...) and I feel left out. He told me that since he wants to go, and it's his first uni party, he does't care if I'm upset and he's going. That's the final word. He said if I could logicaly give him GOOD reasons he might reconsider it. But he said that my trust issues and me just 'not liking' it isn't good enough. The thing is... the way he talks to me, he makes me feel like he doesn't care at all if he ever does anything that upsets me. Also, I should point out that during this 4 day party, they will most likely be going clubbing. And yet, as of now he refuses to ever go clubbing with me. I've been asking him to, just once(because he's never been) to go with me and see how it is. But he refuses. Yet he told me if they do go clubbing for the party, he will be going. It just makes me feel so small and unimportant. It's been a common theme for me to feel this way. Another example is that last week my friend was perfroming for charity at this bar. She really wanted me to go and the other person I could have gone with backed out on me. My boyfriend told me that he couldn't go out or drink until his exams were over because he had SO much studying to do. So then yesterday he told me that he was going to a bar on Friday with his friends from school. He told me it's because he didn't have as much homework and that he wanted to go so I could have a chance to hang out with his friends. Yes, that part is nice. I just don't understand why last week when it was something he didn't really want to do, he said he couldn't go out again because he had to study yet this week, because his friends asked him, he suddenly had time. Maybe I'm just paranoid. So I got a tiny bit upset and so he told me instead of going to his house for supper, he's just drop me off at home because: "I would rather do homework, than spend time with you when you're upset"... which can make sense, but I wasn't planning on actually having a full-on fight about it or continuing to be angry... I was about to forget about it....I don't understand... Anyway, basically I feel unimportant and belitted. He is very logical and not emotional. I'm very emotional but I do try to be logical. He tells me he wants a gf who is understanding, implying I am not which makes me feel bad and that he doesn't want me. I feel like I'm dirt. The thing is, I only feels these ways during fights... I don't feel that way when we're happy. It's wonderful when we're happy. I don't want to let go of him because I LOVE him so much. But sometimes I feel like I'm masochistic because I stay with him even though he can really hurt me. (not physically but emotionally). But when we're happy it's the best thing I've ever felt. It's like we're just one person when things are great. I don't know what to do anymore... I don't know if it IS me who is just paranoid and making fights over nothing or if I'm ever justified. He makes me so confused. Any help please....