Because I have to let these memories out.

[Dagless]

I have never talked to anyone, fully, about what happened. I have always said things like “I knew what to do” and left it at that knowing that people will know what I meant without going in to detail but I think that I need to let this thing out because I have found myself pushing the memories away recently and I know that it can not be health to do that. I warn you that this is going to be an honest account of what happened because I need to get it all out.

 

December 30th, we’d been shopping and then we went for Sunday lunch in town which we had started to make a routine of. The little one was a getting tired and started to get a little naughty so we set off as a wiped the table off she said “ You’re a proper little daddy aren’t you”. That made me smile. When we got home there are a few minutes just filled with idle talk, I remember hugging buy the sink and saying that we had such a nice day and I told her that I loved her. We went and sat down and we got out the Thomas train track and she said “Why don’t you get out the lego blocks and make some bridges while I’ll do us a drink?” I went up stairs and she went in to the kitchen. I was the last time I saw her how she really was, just a little thing, walking from on room to another and that was it.

 

I was up stairs on the top of the landing when she called out my name. There was a little bit of concern in her voice that just felt odd but when I called back she didn’t answer. When I got in the kitchen she was just lying on the floor gasping for breath and she was making a wheezing noise. I got on the next to her and asked her if she could hear me and her eyes were just open wide and at then the boy started to get scared. I don’t know what took over but it did, I told the kid to get in the other room and then she stopped breathing. So I turned her on her back and I checked her pulse in her neck and then in her wrist and there was nothing. Just for a fraction of a second I didn’t know what the hell to do and then it was like a switch was flipped in my head and I knew exactly what to do. I called the ambulance and I remember getting annoyed at the woman because she was keeping me from helping her “I know what to do, should I hang up or what?” I couldn’t even tell you how long I was doing it for, I got up and opened the back door so I could hear them coming. As I breathed in to her she was making a gargling sound I found out later that this was because her lungs had started to fill with fluid. The kid kept looking round the door and I had to keep telling him to stay in the other room. Then the sound of sirens getting closer, help was coming.

 

I could see them working on her through the glass doors between the lounge and the kitchen and I knew that when they took her in to the ambulance and they hadn’t got her heart started that I had lost her. The first response guy took me in his car to the hospital and he took his time, I knew why. I’ve never been a believer in God but when I was in that car I’ve never prayed so hard in my life because at that moment there was only the hope that she wouldn’t die and nothing else mattered. Nothing.

When I got to the hospital (I was on my own no one else came with me, Lisa’s family had the little one but not one of them came with me I never understood why) The paramedics were out side with the ambulance and their faces just dropped when they saw us and I thought this is it, this is where you are going to take it. My legs could hardly keep me standing up.

 

I sat in a little room on my own for awhile but I have no idea how long it was before they told me she was breathing on her own again. They asked me to phone somebody because they didn’t want me to sit on my own. When my Mom and Dad got there they told them that Lisa had suffered a cardiac arrest, I knew that it was that which had happened but hearing it just stunned me. From then on time just slipped away as they took her to the ICU and we waited to see her. Looking at her I didn’t know what to do, I had no idea how we had got here she just walked in to another room and then she was intensive care.

 

I thought that she would just wake up and be fine but when they turned the sedation drugs off she just lay there and twitched. On the Thursday I knew she was gone, I just broke down. Having hope torn from you is just the most horrible and painful thing, it's like someone tearing your soul in half.

[tiredofvampires]

Oh, this just feels like someone cutting me to read, it's so hard to know of this happening to you...it's making me cry! As well as I know your story...the devil IS in the details, isn't it?

 

This is very courageous of you, Dags, to finally put all this raw experience into words. At last. And it's never too late to have it out, you know. Because it's still in there, and as long as it's unspoken, some parts of it might still seem unreal in ways. I know by the way you've written this that it must in some ways almost feel like yesterday, to recount what is so etched in your mind...the way you've fleshed it out, I can see it in pictures, I can imagine being there. It's all so shocking -- the suddeness of it, the way we go through life never expecting that to happen. How it happens every day to people, but when it happens to you, the world and everything in it just STOPS, FREEZES and becomes as if a dream.

 

You showed great ability and composure, strength and judiciousness in the face of the moment.

 

The sweetness of what you were feeling just before up against what happened just chills me through and through with sorrow.

 

But you know something? One of the last things she heard from you was "I love you." And since it happened...it appears things have to happen in this life, whether we want it or not...it happened when she was full of love and the goodness of life. And you.

 

I would not presume that to be great consolation when still struggling to live with the loss and the hole it leaves...as you've already weathered the initial and aftershocks. But some things remain true forever, and whenever these memories come up, you've got to return to the same things you told yourself in the very beginning: That you loved her and she knew it, she even knew it minutes before.

 

I'm so glad you shared this, and I'm thinking of you with so much care.

 

(((hugs)))

[Pkittie]

very very painful...May God give you the strength to bear it all!

[Dagless]

There have been nights where it wouldn't stop playing through my mind and I'd bashed my head on the pillow to make it stop. The image of her being carried through the door is one that stayed with me of a long time.

 

There are times I've blamed myself that she died because I was there and I should have been able to save her but that is why I keep Jack's quote there as a reminder that we can't always control things and it is only natural to blame ourselves when that happens.

[Seraphim]

Dagless,

 

I am SO sorry for your pain. I know it SO hard to go on when someone dies. It is important to get those memories out and talk about them. She is always with you in your heart and mind and she is looking on you from where she is (I think heaven) and wants peace and love for you. We are here for you.

[tiredofvampires]

The hardest thing to accept in life is this, even if it might be one of the simplest:

 

At the time, in the moment that anything happens -- we do only what we can do, only what we are able to do, only what he have tools to do, only what we know how to do, only what we've learned to do, only what it is that we understand to do, only what we sense we should do -- only what we've become and are and can be -- up to that moment in time.

 

And nothing more.

 

There is so much we ask of ourselves in hindsight, when it is truly impossible to have been anything other than we were then, there, at that time, in that way.

 

Though of course, there was NOTHING else you could have done for her, and you know that in your heart of hearts, even though who doesn't wish to be able to do the impossible when something like that strikes?

 

The ultimate "acceptance", even if death doesn't seem acceptable, is that we surrender to the limitations of being human.

 

I've been coming to learn that most things that happen to us -- beautiful or heinous, and everything in the middle -- are not under our control. The only semblance of control we really have is how we deal with the roll of the dice, what we do with it. It's so very little, the choices we are allowed -- and yet, ironically, we could not be heroes if it were any other way.

[raining.stars]

Thanks Dagless for sharing your stories. I can feel your pain, but I can also feel the love too between you and Lisa. She was lucky to find a love like you just as you were lucky to have her. I know some things will just never make sense, but the love you have for each other is so strong and that is all that makes sense when something senseless happens.

[raining.stars]

Beautifully said TOV.

It is like that quote 'The same reasons we are hurt by life are just as mysterious as why we are blessed with beauty and joy'.

Control is an illusion, We can't choose the cards we are dealt with but we choose how to play them. (sorry I can't stop quoting things lately lol but they are true)

 

much love to you Dags

hoping today turns into a great day for you

[mellybelly]

Oh dags....

 

thank you for sharing, i hope it helps you to let it out and fully express what happened.

 

"Having hope torn from you is just the most horrible and painful thing, it's like someone tearing your soul in half." Ohhh, I relate to this so much, and my heart really hurts for you to feel this.

 

I wish all the best in the world for you Dags. Just know you did everything you could for your love....I know it's so hard sometimes. TOV is so true about the ultimate acceptance is surrending to our limitations of being human. But UGH it just sucks so much sometimes!!!!!! I'm having a hard time with that right there...I'm having a hard time accepting in general, but sometimes we just have no other option, do we?

 

We can question so many things in this life...but the love that you had with your sweet Lisa, that's real, and it's something you can hold on to. Despite everything else feeling so out of control....

 

Sending you so much love and peace Dags!!!

[wtm78]

i think it is very brave of you to finally let those out... keeping them all to yourself is just going to eat you up from the inside.. like what this forum is all about... you are not alone and you should be... letting them all out helps you to know that there are people around you that care.. i remember one of your post you mention that you started sharing with your boss.. that is very admirable... it takes courage and strength to confine in someone, especiall one who is of authority over you... sharing your sorrows also helps you to built new relationships with people.. and their support will definitely help you through difficult times.. it is not easy to go through what you have went through alone.. and you shouldnt be alone... i know it suck big time to paddle through the water against the tide and current all by yourself... it is a big step that you share.. because now people will now and can now come along and help.. and god can now do a healing work in your heart...

 

you are never alone...

[Angel_baby]

Dags I think it is good to let out and tell this story. I am so sorry of your loss, when I read your posts they are filled with emotion and love for her. They always touch me. This post made me cry, no one sees anything like this happening to them. You are a very strong person to have handled all this and still be here today.

You are in my thoughts *hugs* If there is anything I can ever do just let me know.

[KG]

Dags,

If anyone can empathise, it is me. The scenario is almost the same, right down to waiting in the hospital.

I hope it has done you some good to write these things down...perhaps I will follow your lead.

And I have had the scene play out in my head for 2 years now, and am only now beginning to see it lessen.

My best to you.

KG

[Dagless]

Thank you all so much for your love and support. I know that I did all that I could do having being thrown in to that situation and when I think of what could have happened then I think that at least she was given the best chance she could have been given.

 

I don't get the constant reruns anymore but I think that was because of how I handled it at the time. It was my minds way of saying "look, this is what happened, it was real and you need to feel the emotions that when along with that."

 

I felt bad this morning for thinking about all this but to know that this isn't just in MY head anymore, that it has been put out there for people to read has made me feel better.

 

I continue to feel stronger as the months go on. There is more to this story which may come out in time, if it needs to.

 

I think the most important thing you can do is let things out.

 

((((Hugs))))) to all of you!

[15 Storeys High]

Now I know why it was so difficult for you to read some of what I wrote when I needed to get the same stuff out. I'm so sorry mate. I can see that story happening from both sides.....yours and the paramedics.....it's heartbreaking. I wish this didn't have to happen anyone. I think it helps....to get it out.....especially the little details that no one else knows that eat you up inside. I think it helped me. I'm glad you did this.....wrote it all down.

[Seraphim]

Pretty much the same thing happened to my grandmother when I was 13. I was staying the weekend with her, my brother and I. It ws Mother's Day and I woke up and she was crying and said she had been sick in the night. She had called my mother to come to take her to the hospital and pick us up. I remember sitting in her living room, she had a small apartment. I heard a crash in her bedroom. It took me seconds to cross the floor and in that time she was turning blue and she was laying on the floor. I tried to pick her but she was fighting me. I could see in her eyes she was terrified, but she wanted to go because she missed my grandpa too much he had died 5 years before. I remember being outside myself watching me. I ran into the hallway of the apartment to scream for help. I ran back to her. I picked her up as best I could and held onto her so she would not die alone. I could hear her gurgling and feel her body going cold. I kept hugging her close and telling her I loved her. My mom got to the appartment but her mom was already dead. I carried the guilt for that day for many years cause the last thing she told me the night before was, please do not let me die. It was she knew. The dr said that the heart attack she had she never would have survived not even in a hospital. I still miss and love her but I know now I could not have saved her.

 

You will come to this acceptance as well, sooner than later I hope because it does lessen the pain. And keep letting the details out. It is a part of grieving. We are always here to listen.

[tiredofvampires]

To be a person is to have a story to tell. —Isak Dinesen

 

There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you. —Maya Angelou

[Dagless]

Now I know why it was so difficult for you to read some of what I wrote when I needed to get the same stuff out. I'm so sorry mate. I can see that story happening from both sides.....yours and the paramedics.....it's heartbreaking. I wish this didn't have to happen anyone. I think it helps....to get it out.....especially the little details that no one else knows that eat you up inside. I think it helped me. I'm glad you did this.....wrote it all down.

 

Yes it was hard because I could not only picture what you had been through I was seeing myself doing what I had to do but knowing that you had been through something similar gave me so much strength. It only brings us closer my friend. I just couldn't keep all this in anymore, it was just my time to tell my story and it has helped.

 

When she was in the hospital is a different story, I think that will have to come out at some point too.

[Dagless]

The reason I am posting all this now is because Lisa's father contacted me a few days back, in fact almost a week ago and he didn't know what had happened, that Lisa had died. When I got that text from him I felt like I was back when it first happened, I started to cry almost uncontrollably. It was horrible being transported back 10 months like that, everything was still there in my head.

[mellybelly]

The reason I am posting all this now is because Lisa's father contacted me a few days back, in fact almost a week ago and he didn't know what had happened, that Lisa had died. When I got that text from him I felt like I was back when it first happened, I started to cry almost uncontrollably. It was horrible being transported back 10 months like that, everything was still there in my head.

 

Oh, Dags, I'm so sorry, I see how that could transport you back!! It was the hardest thing for me talking to Michael's mom the day he died. I didn't want to have to tell her it was true. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that now, ten months later...that's hard. Love to you my friend. HUG.

[Dagless]

Oh, Dags, I'm so sorry, I see how that could transport you back!! It was the hardest thing for me talking to Michael's mom the day he died. I didn't want to have to tell her it was true. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that now, ten months later...that's hard. Love to you my friend. HUG.

 

Thank you melly. It was just such a shock coming out the blue like that, one minute I was getting on with things and then bam! I get this text saying "When you see Lisa......" I just broke down.

 

It's so hard telling people news like that ((hug))

[KG]

Dags,

Had a similar thing happen this weekend..." How s K__?" And having to try to explain it all over dain...brings it back so terribly. Plus having to burden someone else once again.