karvala Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 The bottom line FOR ME is that a man has no clue about the agony that goes along with pregnancy, abortion, labor, periods, etc. So I must do what I feel is right for ME. A man could walk away after his orgasm with the woman pregnant and the only one who would pay the price is the WOMAN. So, while I understand that he seems to be upset by your decision, would he have stuck by you, no matter what? YOU are the one who would bear the burden of the baby-again, with pregnancy,labor, childrearing. I guess I'd like some guys to weigh in on this-how did you feel if it happened to you? If not, how WOULD you feel? Disregarded? Disrespected? Relieved? Well I'm a guy, and I'll weigh in by first saying that I'm astonished that this view still exists anywhere. Being pregnant is the start of long process that, if uninterrupted, lasts the best part of 100 years. For the vast majority of that time, the mother and the father are able to have a more or less equal role the experience. I am thereforee completely mystified by this approach that says having a child is 100% about the woman. A child has two parents, from conception onwards. I am in favour of a woman's right to choose on the whole, and I respect the fact that the first nine months of the process involve her much more than the father, and require changes to her body that the father does not have to go through. But the father was already involved biologically and emotionally at the point of conception, would be implicated biologically, emotionally and financially if the child is born and raised, so the notion that the father should have no say in what happens, is expected to have no opinion, and even no feelings or right to know that the situation exists, purely based on the nine months in between conception and birth, is both irrational and frankly downright offensive to me. If a woman I was with got pregnant and had an abortion without even telling me, as though the situation was somehow nothing to do with me in spite of my role in creating it and the enormous implications for me in terms of having a child or not having child (a rather major thing!), I would be extremely upset, extremely angry, feel totally betrayed, and probably never speak to her again. Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted October 20, 2008 Author Share Posted October 20, 2008 Yes the baby was his... I didn't talk to him about it because I knew that he would want me to keep it and not support me getting rid of it. But after I made the appointment I started to have second thoughts, and I began calling him, but he didn't answer my calls... If I would've talked to him I wouldn't have had the abortion... I was pressured into it. And I think that he's really hurting that I did it, without consulting him. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 Hi NotReadyYet, You've already gotten a lot of advice on this matter, so I don't have much to add. I echo DN's advice - please get in touch with him (phone, e-mail) to tell him that you have heard that his cousin talked to him, and that you would like to talk to him when he is ready. Please stop going through your best friend and your cousin as intermediaries. I really don't think that is helping the situation. His cousin is, from what I've read here, THE LAST person you should be taking advice from, and him telling you to stay away does not necessarily reflect what your boyfriend wants. So I would reach out to your boyfriend. And then, if his cousin tries to get involved, say that this is a private matter and that you wish to keep it between the two of you, and that you will neither be "receiving" messages from your bf through the cousin, nor sending them. This is really no one's business but yours and your boyfriend's, so please try to keep others out. Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 I just got a call from my friend. My bf wants me to come over, so that all four of us can talk about this situation. But I really don't want to talk about it with my friend or her husband, and what's more is that I don't want to be dumped tonight, I have an interview tomorrow and important things that have to be done all week long. I'm just worried now, and I don't know if it is a good idea to go see him today. I really don't know how to explain myself or the abortion... Link to comment
DN Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 I agree with you that it is not appropriate for the other two to be involved in what should be a private discussion between you and your boyfriend. Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 What should I do? I'm getting ready to go over there, but I'm not really sure what to say. I have this feeling that I'm going to be dumped... Link to comment
DN Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 I think you should say that you prefer to talk to your boyfriend alone. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 You talk to him alone, it has NOTHING to do with them. Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 Well I talked to him last night. And no my friends were not involved. He basically just sat next to me and asked me if it were true. And I said that it was. He then asked my why? And I told him but I didn't really tell him all I wanted to tell him. After that he asked me when it happened. I told him when it happened. And then he just kept saying, "You killed my baby?" He looked so hurt, so I just asked him if he wanted me to leave. And he said "Yes". So I left. The whole time I was talking to him I didn't look hi in the eye, and I was very emotionally removed. I had no emotion in my face or voice. No tears. Nothing. I basucally retreated. There were a lot of things I could have said and should have said. And I know that I should have fought harder before leaving but I simply couldn't face him. Now I just found out from my friend that he has not been to work snce he found out this situation, he's drinking a lot, really hurt basically, sad... I'm worried now. I don't want him to hurt, and I know that yesterday I should have NOT have been so removed from the situation. I am going back over to his place. Not really to talk, but to bring him some items (care package) and make sure he is okay. I am just extremely worried about him and I really want to make this situation better. I don't think I should have left the way I did last night either... Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 My question is if its a bad idea for me to go over there today with a care package and to possibly talk with him (not about us) to make sure he is coping through this. I am just to worried to carry out my normal daily functions. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Why were you emotionally removed? Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 I retreated from the situation. I didn't even look at him. I think I just didn't believe it was real. I just don't want him to think that I don't care about him. Or that it wasn't a big deal to me. I'm not really sure what I should do. He doesn't really have any emotional support right now. And I know that he is not taking this situation well. I think he was hoping that it wasn't really true. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Then tell him EXACTLY how you feel WITH the emotions. I think that is what he is looking for. Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 Would it be too soon to go over today? I know he didn't go to work today. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 I would go and see him since the cat is already out of the bag. Link to comment
karvala Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 I second Victoria's comments 100%. He said what he needed to say yesterday, and behaved how he needed to behave, and you may experience more of that, but the only way you have any chance of getting through this and coming out of it with the relationship still existing is if you just persist, persist, and persist some more, with unconditional support of his pain and openness about exactly how you feel in the situation as well. So go over there today, and tomorrow, and as many days as it takes, until he's convinced that you still love him, you care about what happened, you're sorry for how much you hurt him, and that under no circumstances could it happen again. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get lucky. I certainly wish you the best for it. Link to comment
Notreadyet87 Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 Well I went there today. He actually went to work(I'm happy he did). I brought him the care package and the letter. His roommate took it, after yelling at me for not talking to him last night when I should have. So I'm going to continue to go over there and see what I can do. But in the meanwhile I think I'm going to get counseling about this situation. It didn't dawn on me until today, that the reason I wasn't able to tell him about it, was because I pretended like it didn't happen. I've been in denial. Thank you everyone I will let you know how it goes Link to comment
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