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I don't know how to move on


Notreadyet87

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Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?

I think my bf might break up with me... I wrote a post about it yesterday. Basically my bf of 5 years (I'm 21) found out that I had a secret abortion two years ago. My bf always thought abortions were evil. And he always said that he would be really upset if I did something like that. On top of that the first two years of our relationship were rocky because I lied a lot. We were just starting to do really good, when one of his cousins told him I had an abortion last week. Since then I have not heard from him. We've broken up before (in the past) and he would always call me right away to break things up but he has not called to dump me yet and its been 10 days. He is not one to never call again--because he is a straightforward guy--so I'm not sure why he hasn't called to dump me yet. His cousin told me that my bf understands why I had the abortion, but he's hurt that I did it. His cousin also said that my bf plans on having a talk with me about the abortion. I guess he just isn't ready to talk yet.

If you want to read more about it, click my name, I have the thread posted in relationship conflicts. But I obviously know that I shouldn't have had the abortion. I was pressured and I did it and regretted it later on. I could never bring myself to tell him, because I knew that I was wrong. I told my closest friend (who is married to my bfs cousin) and she told my bfs cousin last year. Now a year later--and out of anger with me--he tells my bf what I did.

I know my bf is hurting because I betrayed him and lied, and I already have a history of lying--but things were going good for us, and I just feel like I lost my soulmate. He hasn't dumped me yet so I'm not sure if he is or not, he usually would've by now... I'm surprised he hasn't, but I'm also scared that he still might dump me.

My friend (who is currently at my bfs place) said that he's locked up in his room, not really doing anything. I don't want him to be hurting. And I know I need to give him his space, but a part of me wants to go over to his place, or write him a letter or call him. I'm having a really hard time right now because he's my first love and I've been with him for five years and I'm used to seeing him a lot. I can't stop crying. :sad: I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on from him. Everything reminds me of him. And I got really drunk lst night, and now I feel like * * * * . I really don't know what I can do to remedy the situation. This is the worse pain I've ever felt and I don't really have anyone to help me deal with it.

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As I said lastnight he feels just as bad if not worse than you. YOU had the abortion a few years ago. He is having the abortion NOW. Men have feels about this too. Remember how you felt in those days???? That is how he feels today. He is devistated about that and finding out the woman he loves is not the person he thought she was.

 

Leave him be for now.

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Victoria is right. Maybe calling him isnt the best. He'll come to you in his ownt ime. Dont move on yet. Just think about what you'll say to him when you do talk to him.

 

Be prepared for the worst. I know you were stressed at the time, but its a big thing to hide from someone you love and I dont think I'd be able to forgive it.

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I don't think you should be thinking of moving on from him until he has said he wants to leave you.

 

Does he know that you are aware he has been told what happened?

No he doesn't know that I know that he knows. I hadn't heard from him since last thursday, which is odd because he always calls and we see each other frequently. His phone has been turned off since last week as well. I had no idea what was going on, so I was going to make a surprise visit to his place last night. When I was on my way over there his cousin actually called me and asked, " Are you over Chris? I'm trying to get in contact with him" (My bfs name)

 

I told him I was not over Chris place. He then asked me if I had talked to Chris, and I said no, and that I was making a surprise visit over there.

 

And he told me that I shouldn't make a surprise visit but didn't tell me why. A few moments later my best friend calls me because she is married to my bfs cousin, and she tells me, "Don't go over there, Chris knows that you got the abortion"...

 

And then it all made sense. The phone being off, not calling me, etc.

 

So no... He doesn't know that I found out that he knows. But I was told by his cousin, that chris plans on having a talk with me about the abortion.

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I don't think you should be thinking of moving on from him until he has said he wants to leave you.

 

Does he know that you are aware he has been told what happened?

 

Well, I can understand the concern given the circumstances. More than a week of silence from someone you are that close to would make anyone think about that. As difficult as it may be, I would sit quietly and do nothing. He is probably confused, facing a profound contradiction. It may take time for him to sort out.

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I'm trying to move on, because I am preparing myself for the worse. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have them smashed. I know that this is a big deal and that he may not forgive me or ever look at me the same for doing this to him. The other issue is that I don't want to talk about the abortion, because it is something that I recently cae to terms with. As I said, I was pressured into doing it. During the time period when I was to have it, my bf was unavailable to reach. Later on after it occurred, the same people who told to me to get it, are the same people who told me I shouldn't have done it. I obviously felt betrayed and hurt. My parents don't even know that I did it, because I was told to keep it a secret from them as well. And ironically the same person who told me to keep it a secret(my grandmother)also has a history of keeping big secrets from people she loves.

I know it's not her fault that I was weak, and got the abortion done. But nonetheless I felt betrayed and I regretted it. I just don't really know how to get him to understand because he loves kids, and a big problem is that his mother was going to abort him, and his father stopped it from happening. So it hits close to home. I don't know if he's going to dump me, in the past he'll dump me and call me like two days later to get back with him. But this time I think that I really messed up. I know he loves me a lot, but I think that he doesn't trust anymore and probably thinks I'm evil. That's what hurts. Because when I did it, I was weak and naive... I wish I hadn't. I always do. And I hate that he didn't find out from me.

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I have interviews and papers due this week, but all I can do is lay in bed and cry. I've been crying since ten this morning. I just don't know who to call. I know this sounds bad but the last break up I had, I tried to commit suicide because I couldn't deal with it--that was when I was 16 and the relationship was only 8 months.

I'm just starting to feel very depressed.

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It's all very well saying you don't want to talk about the abortion but if he does then it won't serve you to avoid it.

 

There is no need for you to apologise over getting the abortion, nor do you have to justify your decision. It was your decision to make in the final analysis. But I do think you need to explain why you felt you could not talk to him about it and tell him what your feelings were and why you felt you had to make that decision.

 

In other words - it's not about the decision, it's about the way it was handled regarding him.

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Till he is ready. It is kind of sounding like you want to run away from the responsibilty, do yourself the favour and stand up for not telling him at the time and for keeping it a secret. I am not blaming you in the least for the abortion, but you did handle him knowing very wrong like DN said.

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I also believe he's hurt, because around the time that I got pregnant my best friend was also pregnant. She kept her and her bfs baby. I got rid of his. I think that hurts him. he always said if I loved him I wouldn't get rid of his baby.

 

It's not fair for him to put that pressure on you, especially if you werent ready and it was a bad time for you. You needed to act quickly and if he wasnt there for you thats his problem.

 

You shouldnt have lied. But you know this, and you werent in the best of mindframes.

 

all you can do is give him space, answer any questions he has, prepare yourself for the worst and be strong hun

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Well I always have a habit of running away from bad decisions I make. That is why I tried to commit suicide before. I guess I just want to pretend like it never happened, because thats what I've been doing. But to be honest a part of me is relieved he knows, because I tried to tell him so many times, and couldn't.

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Sorry if you already answered this, but why didn't you discuss the abortion with him before it happened?

 

Was it his baby?

 

Either way, you have the right to decide what goes on with your body. I have been there. It's a HORRIBLE place to be-to have to make that decision.

 

The bottom line FOR ME is that a man has no clue about the agony that goes along with pregnancy, abortion, labor, periods, etc. So I must do what I feel is right for ME. A man could walk away after his orgasm with the woman pregnant and the only one who would pay the price is the WOMAN.

 

So, while I understand that he seems to be upset by your decision, would he have stuck by you, no matter what? YOU are the one who would bear the burden of the baby-again, with pregnancy,labor, childrearing.

 

I guess I'd like some guys to weigh in on this-how did you feel if it happened to you? If not, how WOULD you feel? Disregarded? Disrespected? Relieved?

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Yes, she has a right to make the decison but he has a right to his feelings. Everyone always says it is only about the woman and feel that men do not care and just orgasm and then there is a baby and it is done. My husband was DEVISTATED when our baby miscarried, devistated. Men have feelings too.

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Just as the woman is entitled to her feelings a man is entitled to his - even if it is not his body that would bear a child. To disregard or minimise those feelings is hardly fair, nor, if someone wants a relationship with a man in this situation, is it wise.

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