Romi Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Hello! Well, here's the problem I'm having: It's been almost 5 months since I been dating this guy. The relationship is really great. He is VERY caring and affectionate with me. He shows me by his actions that he cares about me but NEVER said anything about his feelings. If he missed me, if he want something serious with me... There's another thing that bothers me and that is that I don't want him to be with me because we have A REALLY GOOD TIME IN BED but there's nothing else developing for our future. Also I haven't meet his friends or family. Last month we went on a trip together and he didn't post the pictures on his Facebook profile (he post all the trips that he made). I don't want to tell him that I'm developing feelings for him because I'm afraid to be rejected And I think he already knows... My question is: How to ask him where I'm standing in this relationship (if there is one)... Without making he feel pressure or something like that. Also is it 5 months enough time to ask him if we have something serious or not? Tomorrow I’m going to talk to him about this but I don’t know where to start the conversation… Please I need an advice... Thanks a lot! (Sorry about my bad english but my native lenguage is spanish...) Link to comment
ghost69 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 5 months and you are still only 'dating'? you aren't exclusive? he never had the talk with you? if you want to know, bring it up with him. 'where do you see us going? where do i stand with you?' if he acts weird or tries to back out of any emotion anything, sorry, but you are more than likely 'fun' and not a 'gf'. you have to put some pressure to find out it looks like. sorry. i usually ask a girl to be exclusive after 1.5 months if it's going good and we see each other 2-3 times a week. Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Chances are, if he is taking you seriously, then the same question has crossed his mind, too. 5 months is long enough for you to feel comfortable with expressing your emotions. You shouldn't be afraid of being rejected. Next time you guys are having a conversation, just casually bring it up. Maybe when you're having some alone time, you can ask, "So just out of curiosity, how do you feel about me?" or "Where do we stand?" What I usually do is play the "Question Game", where I get to ask him a question, and he gets to ask me one back. Guys usually like that idea, because they may have a few questions in their minds that they want to clear up, so that gives them an opportunity to lay them out on the table, too. Bottom line, if you can't be comfortable and communicate effectively with your significant other, then you shouldn't be in that relationship to begin with. Link to comment
Romi Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 Ghost, thanks for you reply. We already talk about been in an exclusive relationship and we are used to see each other 2-3 times a week. And on weekends too. I know you are right about what you said. I need to confront him and see his reaction. But I don't know how to tell him what I want without make him feel pressure or something... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Ghost, thanks for you reply. We already talk about been in an exclusive relationship and we are used to see each other 2-3 times a week. And on weekends too. I know you are right about what you said. I need to confront him and see his reaction. But I don't know how to tell him what I want without make him feel pressure or something... something casual...'where do you see us going?' see what he says. it's a pretty innocent question. he will more than likely know from that question that you have more than just hanging out friendly feelings for him. he will at least get the clue you want more. it will take some pressure....otherwise he may never get around to it. who knows, maybe he is scared to confess his feelings to you. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 there is always some risk in what you say and your actions. but you really want to find out right? if you don't care, then don't ask him. but your post makes it seem like you want to know if you are wasting your time. don't you want to know someone is into you? Link to comment
Romi Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 Yes of course i NEED to know what his feelings are for me and where do I stand in all this.Tomorrow I'll talk to him and see how he reacts to my questions. If he feels pressure, then he's not the right guy for me. On friday I'll write again to see the results... Thx!! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Yes of course i NEED to know what his feelings are for me and where do I stand in all this.Tomorrow I'll talk to him and see how he reacts to my questions. If he feels pressure, then he's not the right guy for me. On friday I'll write again to see the results... Thx!! np. if he backs out of answering, more than likely he isn't into it. i suggest if he does this, don't keep asking. Link to comment
Romi Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 If he's not into it I'm thinking in telling him "Why are you still sitting in front of me"? Because he was using me for sex for sure! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 If he's not into it I'm thinking in telling him "Why are you still sitting in front of me"? Because he was using me for sex for sure! whoa. i'm not sure if that is the right way to go. lol. ouch. Link to comment
valiantv Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Tomorrow I'll talk to him and see how he reacts to my questions. If he feels pressure, then he's not the right guy for me. Be careful how you react to his response. If you start asking awkward vague questions like "Where do you see us going?" you might be met with a blank stare or an awkward response. This doesn't mean he's not into you, it might just mean he hates awkward questions! I think you're better off not using the job-interview technique, and just ask him the questions you want to hear the answers to. Or better still, ask him the awkward ones, but if he doesn't respond satisfactorily or gives a sheepish "I dunno", then be direct, clarify and ask him the question you really want to know the answer to, like "Do you want something serious with me?". Link to comment
Romi Posted September 18, 2008 Author Share Posted September 18, 2008 Valiantv thx for your answer. Tonight I'm going to meet with him and I'm pretty nervous because I became really attached to this guy and I don't wanna loose him + He's been doing all the right things, for example he just get back from a trip to Germany and he spoke to me everyday on msn and also send me pictures that he took... On the same day he get back, he came to see me... But in the other hand I think it's time to clarify what he really wants. I'm 29 and I know that I want a serious relationship and I don't want to lose my time on someone who doesn't know what he wants or is unsure about been with me... Thanks again for your advice! Link to comment
Romi Posted September 19, 2008 Author Share Posted September 19, 2008 Hello, well, yesterday i spoke to my now ex. Of course we decided to break up. I asked him if he had feelings for me and he said that he was comfortable with me, he cares about me, but still no feelings so I told him that it was better to break it off and continue in separate ways... He told me that he wanted to stay in contact anyway but I told him that I have a NC policy and didn't want to talk to him anymore. He was a little surprise because here in Argentina, we don't use NC and he said that he'll write me anyway. I'm not gonna answer if he does. I mean what's the point? I just want to preserve myself, be strong and move on... Hmmm I think I need a big hug... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 If he's not into it I'm thinking in telling him "Why are you still sitting in front of me"? Because he was using me for sex for sure! weren't you in bed, too? You were having sex with him without telling him your intentions or asking him where you stood - so you agreed to have sex without knowing whether he saw a future. That's not "using you" - he's entitled to assume you're comfortable with what's happening if you say nothing. Edited to add I just read the update, sorry things didn't work out and maybe next time put off having sex until you have a talk about whether there are serious intentions - it sounds like the sex resulted in you getting more attached than you otherwise would have. good luck. Link to comment
Romi Posted September 19, 2008 Author Share Posted September 19, 2008 Batya, please do not answer WITHOUT actually knowing the full details. At the beginning of the “relationship” I spoke to him about sex and told him that I don’t do it if I don’t have an emotional bond with the person (I’m not talking about falling in love but feeling that we are going somewhere etc etc and it was something very special to me) he agreed to the terms up front. I read this in a yesterday’s thread: But if she's dating a guy and he's giving her reason to believe he also has feelings and the relationship is going somewhere, and she starts having sex with him because she expects him to have an emotional bond as well (and he deceives her), then she does have a legitimate complaint. You wrote this: The way I've lessened the risk of it just being about sex is by waiting until we've been dating at least a few months or more, being exclusive before having sex and seeing actions consistent with future intentions. That was just what I did. I think there’s a risk having sex only knowing the guy for 2 months and I learn by my mistake. I should wait a little longer or until I know his intentions… What happened was that we both were spending a lot of time together, we dated for 5 almost 6 months, had sexual relationships, made a trip together, etc but there was never any actual talk about being in an official relationship...I assume (MY MISTAKE) that we were official because he was certainly acting like if we where on an official couple and I end up learning that the guy was thinking no such thing...he was just having some fun. This is where the whole "leading someone on" and "being used" is quite a legitimate complaint. I would never assume something like that again… Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 Thanks for sharing. I respectfully disagree that he used you in any way. You chose to risk assuming exclusivity without having the talk - that wasn't wrong or right to risk, but it was a risk you took. Because you took that risk, he was entitled to assume you were fine with the arrangement. I agree that next time you shouldn't assume. women who consent to sex without having the talk and then blame the guy for "using" them often end up being cynical about men in general - and that's a shame. My point was that you should avoid that mindset and accept responsibility for your own choices and risks. when I wrote what I wrote I meant that the people agreed to be exclusive, not assumed. sorry if you misunderstood. Link to comment
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