Just venting and looking for support

[rapunzel]

I recently went for a second try with my ex. After 3 months just the other night (Thursday) after a great day of swimming/hiking and a fun event at night, he pulled away and pretty much gave me the "friend" talk...although he held my hand earlier that day, gave me other signs of attraction and just a few days earlier sent me emails signed "XOXO" and was rubbing my back and doing public displays of affection.

 

I am pretty confident that he cares for me/likes me (well he has said he loves me but he has never said "I Love You") but I think he is still in "love" with HIS ex and unfortunately, not in love with me. He was in an on again/off again relationship with her and when she finally decided to move on and date other people earlier this year (March), he got very depressed. They had been broken up for about a year and a half when we started dating again in May. I also dated him last year, not knowing about the extent of the relationship with her. He would not commit to her and once she was unavailable, he WANTed her. He actually admitted this to me 3 months ago but also told me he was doing his best to put it/her in the past. They had not been intimate in well over a year and a half. Although he was honest with me about this from the beginning this time, I decided to take a chance and we fell back into a relationship. I cannot fault him, he did tell me where his head and heart were at. But I had read a book ("Make up Don't Break Up") that suggested that you could build a relationship with someone who was grieving a past relationship but that you have to be very patient, and confident and able to withstand the "yo yo" ing of this person, which would be bound to happen. We had an established connection, we have an intense physical attraction and we have a lot in common

 

A male friend who knows us both sat me down last night (although my ex has not talked to him about me this time around) and told me that he KNOWS that this is not the guy for me and that I should move on and never look back. He said he knows men and that based on his actions, this is not the man I'm going to end up with. I know my ex was and is attracted to me, but emotionally he is just not there or available.

 

It hurts terribly and I am currently working with him about once a week. Next week I have to see him twice. I'm very worried that I'm not going to be able to move on from this having to see him once a week and sometimes more. Yes, sometimes I get a few weeks off but I know I need at least 2-3 months, well maybe even six months, of No Contact to get over this.

 

I have no doubt in my ability to do strict NC. I can assure you if I did not have to see him and work with him in this band, I'd disappear. I would not call, email, etc.

 

So I'm stuck now with a very, very difficult decision to possibly have to quit this wonderful musical group I'm in with him, with other great people that I love....because I have to get over this person. I frankly don't know how I'll be able to move on with the constant reminder of having to see him once a week. How will I be able to meet and date other people and actually be available to be attracted to someone else?

 

Somehow I still have hope and I guess I am wondering if there is anything I can do to save this or to rebuild the attraction that perhaps I lost with this guy. I feel I have to get out there and start dating other people and maybe he will realize what he is missing with me. Or am I just kidding myself? Yes, I have to move on for MYSELF and not for him.

 

Anyway, I know I have myself to blame for this, and I take 100% responsibility for my part in it. I'm feeling pretty fragile at the moment as last night at rehearsal was the first time I saw him since Thursday when this happened. We spoke very, very briefly. He was kind and friendly and kept it to band business. I'm just posting for some support as I know I can survive this (I did last time) but the next few months are going to be tough, tough, tough. I have to get through seeing him twice next week at a rehearsal and a show, and the next show we have is in November.

 

Any positive, uplifting thoughts on how I can deal with this situation are more than welcome. I actually know what the answers are but it's helpful and healing to have input from people who know what I'm going through.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Batya33]

It's a count your blessings time for sure plus a time to be other directed - whethee that means volunteer work or small or large kindnesses for friends where the topic of "the ex" would be irrelevant - that to me is the best way to heal rather than dwelling on it.

[Clabs]

Hi Honey

 

So sorry about your situation, I really am.

 

I really don't think there is anything that you can do to save this or rebuild the attraction. At the end of the day, he sounds like a real emotional mess and is not capable of offering a healthy commited relationship to anyone - there is just too much baggage he is dragging behaind him. You have tried this before and it didn't work out.

 

I think you would do yourself a huge favour by getting your head well and truly back on straight - don't date someone else to make him jealous - it is not fair on you and it is not fair on the new person and I know that you reconise this.

 

I know it sucks that you work together - it makes it very very hard, but you have two choices here - stay working where you are and keep any interactions with him purely business. The other option that you really ought to consider if you think you are always going to struggle what with constantly seeing him at your current work is to seriously consider moving somewhere else.

 

I know that you love working where you are, but you have to consider your emotional well being and also just how long this has dragged on for. You know that this mess is not a problem with you, it is a problem with him and you will find someone who is emotionally available and a better partner to you. Maybe under the cirmstances, you should consider looking to work somewhere else. Maybe that would be a kickstart to a beautiful new chapter in your life that you so deserve.

 

Hope this helps hun.

 

Mark

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This guy couldn't even commit to his ex (the one he is pining for) and that is why she walked away from him...so clearly he has a history of not being able to commit. The issue is not the ex he is pining for, the issue is his own inability to go the extra mile to be with someone. He wants what he can't have and the minute he has it he has one foot out the door. Even if that other ex wanted him back, he would be fine for a little while and then would do the non-committal dance again. You are far better off without this man. As for work, well, why not see if you can find something else...not a lateral move but a step upwards or even something you always wanted to do but different than what you are doing now. Take this as a new lease on life and maybe it is time for a change in workplace..but don't quit until you have something amazing lined up. Getting over someone is a process...it comes from the mind...not seeing someone doesn't necessarily make getting over the person occur faster. When you have to interact with him, divorce your mind of intimate thoughts of him and just focus on the profesional interaction. You have to work on training your mind to see him as just a work colleague.

[rapunzel]

Thank you Batya, that is very good advice. I'm kind of a shy person and I don't feel comfortable going into new situations, like volunteering, but maybe it's time I broke out of my comfort zone and did something like this. I do know that there is great satisfaction in getting out of one's head and helping others.

[rapunzel]

Thanks Mark -

 

You are very sweet and helpful.

 

We are musicians and in a wonderful group together. People often say to me "just find another band to be in" but this is truly a unique situation. I'm 47, a young 47, but 47 nonetheless (not a kid) and there are very few groups I could play music in and feel comfortable and in the "right" situation. Save for the involvement with this guy, this is a unique and special group for me, with people from 31 to 55. So I have to seriously think about leaving it. I would be giving up a lot and I don't want to give him that kind of power over me.

 

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and see how it goes. It's fresh, this just happened (and it certainly wasn't a clean break up, it was totally ambiguous - when I said "so that's it or are we taking a step back" he said "R, there is NOTHING in me that wants this to be IT, NOTHING!"....what does that mean?) and I made it through before but for 9 months it was pretty rough.

 

I know what you are saying, that I should not get involved with someone until I'm over him and I literally I will not be able to. But I do have fear that if I don't find someone soon, my chances get lesser with each year. The dating scene is very tough for women my age.

 

I see at least 6 months before I'm over this and maybe longer if I stay in the band. So some tough choices ahead. Thanks so much for your support.

[rapunzel]

Thank you CAD - this is excellent advice and so true. He did NOT want his ex until she was unavailable - he told me this. He said that while he was with her he was kind of blase about it and not terribly concerned when they broke up. He described their relationship as "on again, off again". But once she'd had enough, told him SHE just wanted to be friends and started dating others, he flipped and went into a depression. He admitted a lot of it had to do with his ego. He's not a terrible guy, he's a pretty decent person actually, just has issues....as do all of us.

 

I have to admit, I am still VERY attracted to him despite all this. It has been about 20 years since I felt this attracted to someone and it is going to be really hard to get my mind around that. I will have to focus on the negatives and of course, I don't need to spell those out again.

[emalkoc]

hey Rapunzel, how di?

 

I can speak from my "manly" experience, this guy is not into you..Agree with CADs. If HE is not healed from his EX still, you are just a convientient and available temporary backup partner. You can never have a solid RS with this guy. He can give you glimpse of attraction here and there, but it cannot last long...Stay away and move on please!

 

What a smart girl like you can do is to dump this guy

[rapunzel]

hey Rapunzel, how di?

 

I can speak from my "manly" experience, this guy is not into you..Agree with CADs. If HE is not healed from his EX still, you are just a convientient and available temporary backup partner. You can never have a solid RS with this guy. He can give you glimpse of attraction here and there, but it cannot last long...Stay away and move on please!

 

What a smart girl like you can do is to dump this guy

 

OUCH, thanks emalkoc...I can count on you to tell it like it is.

 

It hurts to hear that, I'll admit it. It hurt last night to hear my guy friend tell me the same thing. The strange thing is my ex, when we first started dating again 3 months ago, said "R, I don't understand why you don't have ten boyfriends....you're so beautiful, warm and such a wonderful person". I wasn't sure why he said that...of course, in hindsight I wish I had said, "well how do you know I don't have ten boyfriends?" But I was honest and told him I do have guys after me but I turn them down as it's rare I find one that I want to spend my time with. Dunno, I can't dwell on things that were said in the past.

 

It's hard to not take it PERSONALLY that this person is NOT into me. But that's what I have to try to do - NOT take it personally and let it diminish my own self - worth. I also miss him, I miss the closeness - even though he wasn't all the way "there".

 

If he tries to come back, then I'll get the opportunity to do a proper dump. I'll do it with class and it will be VERY VERY hard for me to do. But I'll do it.

[emalkoc]

You are always welcome!

 

I am sure you could have 10 boyfriends and you should! Try it once Date a bunch..Remember when I was going through the break-up last year, I had a hard time picking up my confidence from deep-down...I dated...like crazy man almost everyday new woman. But you know that brought back my confidence and found my partner again...

 

For this guy, I have said over and over perhaps a year now all different forums , this guy is not into you. You are a security for him...Unfortunate but he is being dishonest with his feelings while being nice to you. It is the worst attribute in any man.

 

For you though, you need to break the egg-shell and go out and search your happiness somewhere else..You need to do some soul searching why you believe he is the center of your happiness. No one is supposed to be the other than ourselves.

 

cheers and good luck! always write to us, like reading yours!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

What you need to do is to try to firewall yourself from him as much as possible when you see him. I'd email him and tell him that it is better for you to have no contact when you see each other so you won't be talking to him or greeting him at all and just wanted to let him know that is better for you that way....

 

then don't talk or greet one another or seek each other out. Just treat him like anyone else in a group that you really don't have anything to say much too... go in, do your singing, leave. Don't try to sneak looks at him or be next to him or anything. Treat him like he has a contagious disease and you need to stay at opposite end of the room from him if you can. You don't have to be rude, just distant.

 

It's like being in a classroom full of people at school, most of whom you hardly even notice. Try to get him off your radar as much as you can.

 

And if you were only his backup plan, then it really is better for you to detach yourself from him. He might have stayed with you awhile, but deep down is telling himself he either wants his ex, or someone who makes him feel like his ex did... you just can't win when someone is constantly comparing you to someone he feels he likes better than you, no matter what a great person you are. You don't need anymore of that 'you're a great girl BUT... ' nonsense, so just avoid him and spend time talking to other people in your singing group, and meeting other men who you might have a real future with.

[rapunzel]

Geez emalkoc, I know he's "not into me"....enough already! Just kidding, I find that phrase just hits me in the gut and feels awful. I found that book "He's just not that into you" very depressing for the same reason.

 

The thing is: He WAS honest about not being over his ex. He talked to me at length about it but I still went for it. I'm not proud of my behavior but I'm human and I was lonely and I was in love with him. I gave it another shot. I take responsibility for my half. Yes, he was wrong, and he was selfish and exercised bad judgment to get involved with me again if he knew there was no chance for us.

 

I'm only human, everyone does it at least once. I screwed up, I took a chance on him again and it blew up in my face. It is not going to kill me. It just hurts like hell right now.

 

I don't believe he is the center of my happiness. I will admit that I had high hopes for him to be my partner. But it's clear it is not going to happen.

 

Thanks for the pep talk, when I'm ready I will date. If I can find someone my age or close to it that will be half the battle. All the guys in my age range think they are entitled to women 10-15 years younger. At least on link removed, it's pretty disheartening.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Rapunzel --

 

I am sorry that you're going through this. I know it's hard to "wrap your mind around it." I've used the same phrase in regard to my situation. I know that feeling of not wanting to let go -- of feeling something for a person that you haven't felt for anyone else in years, if ever -- and wanting to hang on, to wait, to see how things pan out. I know how difficult it is to say "no more," to admit to yourself what deep down, in your heart, you know: That this guy cannot and will not give you the love and attention you deserve. You know I've been there. I swear, if I didn't know better, if you didn't live in an entirely different state, if your ex wasn't a couple years younger than mine, didn't have a different name, and was in a different profession, I'd SWEAR we had be involved with the same guy! Mine did all the same things -- got close, only to pull back. Told me he had never, ever met ANY guy who deserved me -- that I'm special, beautiful, wonderful, all that. Held my hand. Stroked my hair. Whispered in my ear. All that wonderful stuff. And he meant it -- he really did. I don't believe for ONE second that all of that was fake. What I do believe -- what I KNOW, though -- is that despite whatever he might be feeling for me, it was nothing compared to what he felt for his ex. In his mind, she was "it," and nothing could take her place. He had (and has) her on such a pedestal, that anyone, no matter how special, is going to pale in comparison in his mind. It is NOT about ME. Just like it is NOT about YOU. He did -- and does -- care for you. He DOES think you are beautiful, special, etc. He doesn't want to hurt you. However, he also doesn't want to be with you enough to let go of what is holding him back -- the past. This is NO reflection on you. It is a reflection on him and the relationship he shares with his ex, which is, from what you've sad, a rocky on-and-off one. Once he knew he'd really lost her, he put her -- and their relationhip -- in some sacred realm, and he can't (or is unwilling to) break free from the illusion that she is the one for him. Will he do it someday? Perhaps. But the question is: How long will you put yourself on hold for him, and at what cost to you? This is something I asked myself many, many times. Finally, the decision was made for me -- they got back together -- and honestly, though it feels like my heart is being ripped out at times, at times, I feel blessed. The choice has been made. No more putting my life on hold. I'm free.

 

The fact that your ex's friend told you he wasn't the guy for you is telling, Rapunzel. He is an objective observer who knows you both, and he wants to see you happy, and he knows that your happiness can't be found with your ex. Listen to him. I wish I had listened to what people told me, but I told myself, as you did, that I had to give it another shot -- I had to take a risk. And I did. And it didn't work out, again. It's hard, but at least I know now -- as you will -- that I gave it another shot, even if it didn't turn out the way I'd hoped.

 

As for the band....I don't know what to tell you. I am struggling a bit myself at work, though my ex doesn't see it. For all he knows, I'm happy. He has only seen me cheerful and upbeat (and it's not an act -- I actually do feel pretty good most of the time). If you think you need some good NC, how about a hiatus from the band for a few months? Is that possible? You might just say you have other things you'd like to pursue, or that you'd like to take sometime off for something else you need to do, and leave it open-ended. Then, take a few months off, and see how you feel. If that won't work -- if they won't agree to a hiatus -- then you have to really think about what to do. Can you keep it light and professional, even if you see him with someone else OR he gets back with his ex? I know that when I found out that mine had reconciled, I was floored. When I found out he was married, I handled it better, actually, maybe because the door was finally slammed shut for good -- the worst possible thing that could happen had finally happened, and I was forced to move on. If you really feel you can't work with him and heal, or if you try and it seems that seeing him even professionally is interfering with your healing -- you may need to quit.

 

As always, you have my support. It's hard to know what to say -- I've been there -- thinking that if I just hung on and didn't demand anything, he'd realize he wanted to be with me. Thinking that if he just saw how great I am, how much I could add to his life, he'd want to be with me. Thinking that if he just could miss me a little, he'd want to be with me. Thinking that, at my age, I may never find someone else that I care for as much and am as attracted to. I realize, though, that a lot of my thoughts about him and the situation are based on FEAR -- not on what really IS. There's a chance that ANY of us might end up alone forever, just like there's a chance that any of us might get hit by a car tomorrow, but we live in fear and hold on to things that aren't good for us or that aren't going anywhere just because we fear what MIGHT happen.

 

You know you ALWAYS have my support. I know that you will be OK. You just have to keep reminding yourself that HE is not the only one...Don't put him up on a pedestal like he has his ex. Do you really want to end up like him, pining away for a past relationship and passing on someone really wonderful because you can't let go of the past? I ask myself that ALL the time - Why would I want to do that, when I see what a great lady my ex has missed out on??? I'd hate to miss out on an equally great guy because I'm permanently looking over my shoulder at the past.

 

Hang in there. Write anytime. I know it's hard, but I also know you'l be OK.

[emalkoc]

 

Thanks for the pep talk, when I'm ready I will date. If I can find someone my age or close to it that will be half the battle. All the guys in my age range think they are entitled to women 10-15 years younger. At least on link removed, it's pretty disheartening.

 

LOL

 

Well, dont look at link removed because it is an open betting market...Everyone especially guys there are trying to bet on younger, better looking, making more money etc...If you are looking for a real partner in your age, I think link removed is not the place unless you want to get laid

 

and the next you will hit me with where are the guys question good question playing golf

[rapunzel]

Thanks browneyedgirl for your reply....that was very thoughtful, well written and everything you said was so true, it brought tears to my eyes. We have such similar situations, it's eerie.

 

The one thing I cannot STOP doing is thinking that had I broken up with HIM two weeks ago, like I planned to, that perhaps things would have turned out differently. That if I had taken control and expressed what I wanted and needed, and told him I could not continue in this situation....that he would view me in a different light and respect my strength and willingness to let him go under the circumstances.

 

But instead, I thought things were going fairly well...he was spending a lot of time with me. We spent Friday night, Saturday day/night and the Monday of Labor day weekend together and it was fun. He was being affectionate, etc. So I waited...and then he brought up the conversation with ME Thursday. I suggested the outing....and he seemed pleased and accepted. He MUST have known he was going to end it....What is confusing is when he said he did NOT want this "to be IT" and that we were taking a step back rather than saying "this is IT".

 

I wish now I had just clarified that it was over, or told him that it was best for me if it was over rather than leaving it ambiguous and a bit open-ended. But I did not, as I don't always have the best judgment or know what to say when I'm IN the moment with him and during this conversation, I felt somewhat dumbfounded. I'm not very articulate at times like this, probably because my fear/abandonment buttons have been pushed and I sense I'm losing him (which yes, I know I probably did).

 

So I am angry with myself for not ending it with him, as I had thought about, and people here urged me to do. OR if I had just smiled and agreed with him that I had been thinking the same thing, and yes, it is best that we not see each other under the circumstances, and wished him well and told him I hope he finds what it is he is looking for in his life. What I DID say (I wish I could have tape recorded the conversation, as I forget a lot of it) was that I DO want to have an intimate relationship with someone, and if it's not going to be with him, it will be with someone else. I regret saying this, I don't know why. It feels defensive and almost like a threat, but it's what I felt at the moment I suppose. I also remember telling him that it was OK, because I must have read somewhere (i have read too much advice I think) that it's best to AGREE with the break up rather than fight, try to convince them otherwise, etc. When he left, he thanked me for listening to him "try" to express what he wanted to say, and he went to kiss me on the lips. As he had just told me he did not think we should be intimate, as it was "overwhelming his ability to grapple with and deal with his other issues" and "distracting him from being able to move forward from this issues" I turned my head and it landed on my cheek. Isn't that confusing - to go and plant a kiss on my lips after telling me that??

 

This is why I don't think this is quite over yet...and YES, I have to be the one to make it completely over.

 

Anyway, I can't shake the thought that I would have felt more powerful, more on top, and maybe...just maybe...had had a better chance for a successful reconciliation...had I been the one to end things or at least to initiate this last talk. Perhaps this is just magical thinking, but I can't stop going there in my mind.

[JadedStar]

From what i have read the others are on target and this is a man who likes to play cat and mouse chase games. When he feels you are getting close again then he pulls back and plays and toys with you some mroe. I know you are venting mroe than looking for advice but i suggest trying to have very little contact (no contact is best but i dont think you are raedy to do that) and try to just tell yourself that this is over. The mroe you have that grain of hope that he does like you still you will keep falling into his trap.

 

Some people are just like this. They can't be truly happy when things are going well so they play the push/pull game and once you are back, or you think you are, he pulls the stunt again.

 

This type of person will give you an ulcer and a hell of a lot of headaches, which you are now fully aware.

[JadedStar]

The phrase he is not into you is depressing but maybe you need to hear that more so it sinks in. Most women have an awfully hard time realizing that, and if they WOULD realize it more and try not to make it personal (it hurts but it happens) then they could move on quicker.

 

When i was single i would not waste any of my precious time on someone who didn't show clear signs of "being really into me". So many women hang onto these little grains of interest and the longer they hang on the mroe they get hooked on the guy and can't let go. In the future try to recognize those signs and move on quick before you get trapped by someone again.

[rapunzel]

Thanks Jaded Star....no, I'll take advice too!

 

You are right, I think, about him....likes the chase, doesn't want to get too close or have a messy real life relationship, thrives on drama. Just a couple of weeks ago he told me during conversation about how I try to live my life "that is what I love about you". he told me just the other night he loves me and respects me. I know this is highly different from "I LOVE YOU" which he has never said. I also think he is holding out for a 35 year old supermodel (He is 49, and is VERY good looking, very fit and young appearing). I think he better be prepared to father children if he wants a woman in her 30's though...

 

Since we are musicians together, I cannot do No Contact completely unless I quit. At the moment, I'm not ready to give this up, simply because this ONE MAN does not want to have a relationship with me.

 

I will admit I still have the grain of hope, but it just happened....again. The reality will set in for good, hopefully VERY soon, and yes, I have to decide for myself that it is OVER for good.

[Batya33]

I think you need to reconsider your view that you haven't been attracted to someone liek this in 20 years as something out of your control. Of course attraction is not really within our control, but the way we structure our lives, the people we allow into our lives, our mindset, those things we can control and all of those affect who we are attracted to and who we are open to being attracted to.

[rapunzel]

Thanks very much for this advice....It will be difficult for me to do this as our rehearsal room is small and there are usually only 8 of us there, occasionally 10....

 

I don't think I'll email him and say this though. To me it is disempowering as it is basically telling him "I can't handle talking to you or seeing you at all" and essentially handing all my personal power over to him. It would almost be kind of an ego boost for him.

 

It may work for some but to me it actually will make things MORE uncomfortable. I think I'll go with the nonchalant, "I'm the prize, you're loss" way of thinking but at the same time, practice a buddhist way of looking at it - release him with love and compassion. He did not mistreat me really. He was honest with me. Yeah, he should have stayed away from me but he also made a mistake. So I have to forgive him or I'll never be able to get past this.

 

So my plan is to treat him as I would any other but of course, I will not initiate nor go out of my way to speak with him. I will try to be as far away and distant from him as humanly possible but there are going to be times when it will be just unavoidable. If he speaks to me, I will respond in a polite, cordial way. I will try to be myself.

 

I agree with you completely that I need to detach from him and concentrate on meeting other men that I may have a future with.

 

I don't know, I just have to have faith that everything will work out for the best and that this is a blessing. Thanks again for your thoughts.

[liquer]

I think it's best just to stay as friends and don't expect anything more than this.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Hi Rapunzel,

 

well first let me say what a wonderful friend you have who cares enough to sit you down and tell you gently that this guy isnt treating you right and he can tell by his actions. They really do speak louder than words, and in your own heart I can tell that you know things werent 'right' somehow.

 

I know this doesnt make it feel any less painful. Knowing someone isnt right when you so want them to be hurts hurts hurts.

 

Dont give up your singing. This group of people seem very supportive so why not be honest and tell them that your broken up, but your struggling and may burst into tears for no reason, or will find it very difficult when bumping into him. Im pretty sure they will understand and will forgive you for it and try and take you under their wing.

 

if he has a problem seeing you, let him be the one who leaves. youve got us here to talk to as well when the going gets tough.

 

good luck, Hope x

[blue_dahlia]

I know my ex was and is attracted to me, but emotionally he is just not there or available.

 

This is the worse! Being with someone who is incapable of emotional closeness. It can be the loneliest feeling, sitting next to someone you love, yet feeling completely alone.

[rapunzel]

thanks hope springs eternal....

 

No one knows in the group except for one guy, the one who sat me down and told me this wasn't the guy for me. I think it is better this way. It would be too uncomfortable if they all knew.

 

I highly doubt he will leave the group....as he is the one who had less emotionally invested, he probably does not have a problem with seeing me, although based on our conversations, he will most likely feel very badly and guilty for hurting me again. He said he "never, ever wanted to hurt me like that again"....well, he did. But again, I willingly took the risk and went along with it so I can't blame him, I can only take responsibility for my half.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I understand what your saying.

 

You have to do whatever it takes to protect yourself emotionally, especially if you think hes not so invested, as it will be easier for him to see you than vice versa.

 

He doesnt seem to be over his ex, and so in all honesty, he isnt available to anyone, and even though he's hung up on her he wouldnt commit so he is still in the 'there might be someone better if I wait a while' mode.

 

just face the pain, feel it and ignore it. Just accept it but know that its normal to feel that low when your losing someone you love, and bit by bit your spirits will pick up the further down the road you go until eventually your 'free' of anything. All you end up with is indifference and thats your goal... indifference.

 

Im not there yet and im six months up the road, but some days I AM indifferent. The indifferent days are interspersed with days when I think im still in love, and days when i think im well rid, so basically, im all over the place with it! but deep down, although its horrible, i know i have to go through this process to come out the other side.

 

iv chosen not to date while im like this as i dont think its fair to any man to put him through it, but I think it might be easier to let go of the ex if i had someone new.. dont know.. not sure.

 

anyway, good luck, Hope x