tabbi75 Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Okay, I came accross these questions reading another thread. I'm not very familiar with the dating world especially in the US so here are my questions; Do you have to have the relationship talk with someone you just started dating? What if you don't. Doesn't action speak louder than words? If you have to have the talk, when, as of how many dates is a good time to have the talk? My understanding form what most people say here, not to mention my last dating experience!, is that if you haven't had the talk then nothing is exclusive!!!! That is wiered to me... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 When you decide you want to be exclusive you have the talk. In my experiences when the man wanted a serious relationship with me he initiated the talk within the first month (four or five dates). The times I had to things usually fizzled (one relationship became exclusive but it seemed that his motivation was more sexual perhaps). I won't sleep with anyone before being exclusive but in my serious relationships the talk wasn't connected to whether we were going to have sex but whether we wanted to stop seeing others or keeping our options open. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Okay, I came accross these questions reading another thread. I'm not very familiar with the dating world especially in the US so here are my questions; Do you have to have the relationship talk with someone you just started dating? What if you don't. Doesn't action speak louder than words? If you have to have the talk, when, as of how many dates is a good time to have the talk? My understanding form what most people say here, not to mention my last dating experience!, is that if you haven't had the talk then nothing is exclusive!!!! That is wiered to me... If the man is serious, he will be the one to initiate the 'talk'.....quite soon after the first few dates I would've thought. If you initiate it, expect that he will disappear afterwards.... If he does not initiate a talk after first few dates, then IMO he's not that interested in pursuing anything more serious with you/he's using you for sex! Assuming you are having sex that is....which my guess would be, a lot are! Link to comment
thatdoggirl Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I'd say to wait it out until he brings it up to you. He may feel pressured if you try to have a "talk" with him. You want to make him think commitment was his idea. The reason I have this theory is because I've recently read a really good book called "Why Men Marry * * * * * es". The book isn't about girls who are actually * * * * * es... it's about girls that are confident. Seriously, it's a really good book. Link to comment
blackandgold Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I feel like I have to have a straight up talk. It's like I can't read your mind and I'm not going to waste my time playing games so I like to know straight up where I stand. Some girls really can't handle that though so I see why guys would be leary of that. But I think by the time it comes where I want to have one of these talks they know me well enough to know I don't get my feelings hurt easily and I won't take it personally. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 If you initiate it, expect that he will disappear afterwards.... LOL. Golden. Wouldn't be funny except that in many cases, that seems to be true. But I think that is because a lot of women ask at all the wrong times, with all the wrong men, and just don't have a clue about actually bringing it up. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen because both will be on a relatively same page. It does seem a lot of men would rather be the one doing the "deciding" and "leading" even if it is all in their own minds. hah. That's silly. Just in my experience: It is almost like night and day to be out with a man who wants something serious, and a guy who is simply dating and/or looking for sex n' good times. Everything they do - not only that it is brought up early on what they are looking for - supports that they are now in that zone of being ready AND actively engaging in looking for a long time commitment. So the "talk" is only one aspect of it. A lot of men will talk trash about what they want and are ready for, and willing to do - but it's Lies! lol. And the majority of the time, it's not that hard to see it. They put less effort in. They will pursue harder, faster, with more fuss. They talk a lot and do not so much. You feel like they aren't all that interested in you as a person beyond what emotions they can trigger in you, figuring this will lead them to what they want. ETC. Anyways, this is more ancedotal than anything. The real thing is : Are you really ready to step up and do the things necessary to be engaging in a more serious relationship?? Because if you truly are - it seems a person's focus can change, and if you are fooling yourself about what you really want AND are committed to doing, that shows a lot too in how you'll see mates. just thoughts. It's more about knowing what you want than anything, I think, that makes everything else a matter of moment by moment good judgment based on what it is you are looking for. Link to comment
tabbi75 Posted August 17, 2008 Author Share Posted August 17, 2008 Okay, what if you never talk about it but he acts like he is very interested...He introduces you to his family or throws hints like, we need to work on this, bla bla bla...? does this mean anything if you haven't had the talk or he is just being a guy? Link to comment
tabbi75 Posted August 17, 2008 Author Share Posted August 17, 2008 I'd say to wait it out until he brings it up to you. He may feel pressured if you try to have a "talk" with him. You want to make him think commitment was his idea. The reason I have this theory is because I've recently read a really good book called "Why Men Marry * * * * * es". The book isn't about girls who are actually * * * * * es... it's about girls that are confident. Seriously, it's a really good book. I'll check that out....thanks Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I can't imagine a guy putting in the effort without bringing up quite early, to do that. I'd either be asking before it gets to that, if a real exclusive commitment was what I wanted, or else assuming it could go anyways regardless of the other signals he was sending out. Meeting family - big deal. Calling me a lot - big deal. Need all the elements or it is playing with fire. I've broken a few hearts along the way when someone else assumed it was more than it was, but didn't bother to ask? Need to communicate. Never assume. Get an answer, but verify it. Lots of goddamn work and trust involved!! lol. good luck. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Okay, what if you never talk about it but he acts like he is very interested...He introduces you to his family or throws hints like, we need to work on this, bla bla bla...? does this mean anything if you haven't had the talk or he is just being a guy? I'd say if he has introduced you to his family, he likes you and a lot... And if a guy had introduced me to his parents, that would tell me that he wasn't just thinking of me as 'a roll in the hay'.... It would tell me, I was 'special' to him... Do you need to have this 'talk', to know if you are exclusive or not...? Is it a 'must given' that you have this talk... We do things different in UK, we don't have talks... We meet someone, date them a few times and if it becomes an ongoing thing and the guy sticks around, introduces you to family, friends, wants to be with you 24/7, is really loving, caring, tells you he 'loves you'...then we know it's 'exclusive'....we don't need to have a talk to know it is. I mean, talks are what people would have in 18th century victorian England, when the guy had to talk to the parents, to see if he could date the daughter, or the hand in marriage...lol Link to comment
D_Lish Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 LOL. Golden. Wouldn't be funny except that in many cases, that seems to be true. But I think that is because a lot of women ask at all the wrong times, with all the wrong men, and just don't have a clue about actually bringing it up. LOL, well I've been there in the past. Met some guy I've really liked, we have seen each other a few times, he hasn't shown any sign that it's a serious thing as in wanting to spend lots of time with me, he hasn't introduced me to friends or family, hasn't said he 'loves me'....and I'm wondering why and thinking Id like all these things to happen... Then I would say something, wonder why he had that strange look on his face and next thing.....WHOOSH, GONE!!! LOL You just know when a guy is really into you and when he isn't...you just know if this an 'exclusive' thing you have going and if it's not ... Link to comment
allypally Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I'm with D_Lish on this. Don't bring up the "where is this relationship going?" convo. Important to keep your options open throughout the early stages so that you don't appear too eager to make things "serious" when you're still finding out more about him. Need to use a bit of reverse phsycology. Link to comment
tabbi75 Posted August 17, 2008 Author Share Posted August 17, 2008 In my case I was getting a lot of mixed messeges; like introducing me to his parents and inviting me to family gatherings...great, but then he'd disapear for week...Like itsallgrand said all the elemnts should be there. He never brough up the subject and I didnt want to initiate it, but he was giving me signals that I though he liked me and there is no need to really talk...until one day that I guess he changed his mind and disapeared! Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Purposefully leaving it ambiguous so you remain around as an option. That blows. Great that you recognize it though. Learning from it. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 In my case I was getting a lot of mixed messeges; like introducing me to his parents and inviting me to family gatherings...great, but then he'd disapear for week...Like itsallgrand said all the elemnts should be there. He never brough up the subject and I didnt want to initiate it, but he was giving me signals that I though he liked me and there is no need to really talk...until one day that I guess he changed his mind and disapeared! Well of course all the elements should be there. It was because all the elements were there, that I always knew I was in an 'exclusive' relationship...no need for a talk. Meeting his family, I would take a good sign. Having him disappear for a week, is not!! The only time I've had a guy disappear on me, is when the realtionship is over...or when I showed any sign of coming on too strong, with a guy who obviously wasn't that *into me*... Did you get any explanation as to where he'd gone. or why he saw fit to just disappear? Yes, this would confuse me too.... Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Okay, what if you never talk about it but he acts like he is very interested...He introduces you to his family or throws hints like, we need to work on this, bla bla bla...? does this mean anything if you haven't had the talk or he is just being a guy? They guy I'm dating put it this way "So...how does it feel to have a boyfriend?" And I said "Oh...so I'm your girlfriend?" That's how we got to the "relationship" talk. It is awkward to have it, but, that's how he put it out there, and man, was I ever relieved! He also told me that he loves me. So..... Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I believe that actions can speak louder than words however it is difficult for me to say that exclusivity can be assumed. There are certain circumstances where it can be assumed, but there has to be clear indicators from both parties that is what they are doing. Too often the situation is that one person assumes that there is exclusivity when there isnt. Communicating the desire seems like the easiest way to avoid any ambiguity as to whether two people are exclusive or not. In most cases I would say that eclusivity should not be assumed however there are situations when it can be assumed. Link to comment
tabbi75 Posted August 17, 2008 Author Share Posted August 17, 2008 Did you get any explanation as to where he'd gone. or why he saw fit to just disappear? Yes, this would confuse me too.... No, no explanation, just disapeared. Even the last time we saw eachother was great, he was very kind and affectionate. everytime we were together he made me feel really good and the feelings seemed to have been mutual. I dont think I was too clingy or anything like that. But then he'd disapear for a week, which i thought was because of his busy life style. Now I think, if you really care about somebody you make the time for them, as i did despite everything else going on in my life. I keep thinking maybe becasue we never really talked about the kind of relationship we had he thought its ok to suddenly disapear...not acceptable to me though... Link to comment
tabbi75 Posted August 17, 2008 Author Share Posted August 17, 2008 Communicating the desire seems like the easiest way to avoid any ambiguity as to whether two people are exclusive or not. In most cases I would say that eclusivity should not be assumed however there are situations when it can be assumed. I agree, comunication is the key...I happen to suck at it though. Its one of my biggest weak points. Point taken though Link to comment
D_Lish Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 No, no explanation, just disapeared. Even the last time we saw eachother was great, he was very kind and affectionate. everytime we were together he made me feel really good and the feelings seemed to have been mutual. I dont think I was too clingy or anything like that. But then he'd disapear for a week, which i thought was because of his busy life style. Now I think, if you really care about somebody you make the time for them, as i did despite everything else going on in my life. I keep thinking maybe becasue we never really talked about the kind of relationship we had he thought its ok to suddenly disapear...not acceptable to me though... So is he still gone? Havn't you seen him since he vanished? And if he has shown up again, then why didn't you ask why he had chosen to vanish? You don't have to use 'Where the bloody hell have you been???' approach. Just make it sound that you were concerned about where he'd got himself too and you were worried about him... This is why men are often likened to Tom cats....cuz Tom Cats go off and vanish for days on end too.... Let's just hope that in your case, it wasn't and isn't for the same reasons! Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I agree, comunication is the key...I happen to suck at it though. Its one of my biggest weak points. Point taken though How about borrowing a line from what my BF said...like "How does it feel to have a girlfriend?" and see what he says to that? Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 when i was dating a guy for a month, we were sitting down together to watch a DVD one night. i turned to him and said, 'i like you.' he said, 'i like you too.' then i said, 'i'm not dating anyone else and don't really want to.' he said, 'me neither.' so, that was our 'talk!' the relationship went downhill a few months later, we didn't stay together, but i thought the talk went pretty well. it was just very casual and it didn't leave any doubt in my head where we stood. Link to comment
tabbi75 Posted August 17, 2008 Author Share Posted August 17, 2008 So is he still gone? Havn't you seen him since he vanished? No DlLsh, I havnt seen or heard from him in a month. I havent tried contactng him because I thought in the beginig he needed time and will call himself when he is ready...Of course he didn't and I didnt want to be the one who is chasing him.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Okay, what if you never talk about it but he acts like he is very interested...He introduces you to his family or throws hints like, we need to work on this, bla bla bla...? does this mean anything if you haven't had the talk or he is just being a guy? I dated someone who talked about marriage starting with date two, introduced me to his family and friends starting in the first month but when I brought up exclusivity (because he was ready to have sex; i was not quite ready and i explained where he stood) he said he preferred to be sexually monogamous but have the option to date others. That's just one example of many others I've heard of. Especially if you are having sex, never assume. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I dated someone who talked about marriage starting with date two, introduced me to his family and friends starting in the first month but when I brought up exclusivity (because he was ready to have sex; i was not quite ready and i explained where he stood) he said he preferred to be sexually monogamous but have the option to date others. That's just one example of many others I've heard of. Especially if you are having sex, never assume. yea, the last guy i dated started talking marriage on the first date, introduced me to all his friends on the second date, though never actually got around to taking down his link removed profile as i requested.... Link to comment
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