When should you have the relationship talk?

[D_Lish]

No DlLsh, I havnt seen or heard from him in a month. I havent tried contactng him because I thought in the beginig he needed time and will call himself when he is ready...Of course he didn't and I didnt want to be the one who is chasing him....

 

Right I see. Well if some guy vanished on me and I hadn't seen him for a month, had no word, no nothing... I'd be assuming that what we had, was over.

 

It could have been that there was an interest on his part for a while, but his interest waned over time. That usually happens in most relationships and is why they end. There is not enough interest, to want to invest more of your time in them...

Still, it is a cowardly way to choose to end and exit a relationship...

 

I've never had a guy end things that way anyway...they lived too close, just to disappear! lol

[CallingAllAngels]

I dated someone who talked about marriage starting with date two, introduced me to his family and friends starting in the first month but when I brought up exclusivity (because he was ready to have sex; i was not quite ready and i explained where he stood) he said he preferred to be sexually monogamous but have the option to date others. That's just one example of many others I've heard of. Especially if you are having sex, never assume.

 

THAT is OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!

[Batya33]

THAT is OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!

 

Well, when I was in the situation I did not assume he wanted to be exclusive - because i trained myself never to assume until the words were said. I didn't see the marriage talk/meeting the family as a bad thing but I refused to assume it meant he was serious about me without him asking me to be in a relationship with him. I did not feel led on.

[CallingAllAngels]

Well, when I was in the situation I did not assume he wanted to be exclusive - because i trained myself never to assume until the words were said. I didn't see the marriage talk/meeting the family as a bad thing but I refused to assume it meant he was serious about me without him asking me to be in a relationship with him. I did not feel led on.

 

Ima fool....I would have been totally led on.....

[Batya33]

Ima fool....I would have been totally led on.....

 

No, no, I just lived and learned and learned that often men get really excited in the beginning and plan the name of your first born, but then get scared and distance themselves, so it's best to listen with half an ear (and hold off on naming the baby until at least the 4th date ;-)

[CallingAllAngels]

Hmmmmmmm....I've been in a pretty intense relationship here for about 2 weeks...we've had 7 dates. Should I disregard everything he tells me?

[Batya33]

Definitely not what I meant. I just mean that until a man asks me to be exclusive I assume we're not and I assume we're not yet in a serious relationship. I also watch the feet not the lips and in order to do that, I personally need to know someone over a period of months even if we see each other frequently - i find the information you learn over a period of time is far more valuable than in an intense, condensed period of time. You need to see the person when he's ill, when it's holiday time, family event time, when he's had a bad stretch at work (or a really good one) what he's like with his friends over time, how he treats you over time, etc etc.

[thejigsup]

I don't know the exact answer to this question, but every time I was in a long-term, exclusive, relationship, I never had to have "the talk". A good relationship that is going to last consists of two people who understand each other. If it is right, you don't have to have any kind of "talk". You will know. If you don't get the hint within six months, and that's how long it takes to really know someone well enough to commit to them, then I would move on.

[tabbi75]

Definitely not what I meant. I just mean that until a man asks me to be exclusive I assume we're not and I assume we're not yet in a serious relationship. I also watch the feet not the lips and in order to do that, I personally need to know someone over a period of months even if we see each other frequently - i find the information you learn over a period of time is far more valuable than in an intense, condensed period of time. You need to see the person when he's ill, when it's holiday time, family event time, when he's had a bad stretch at work (or a really good one) what he's like with his friends over time, how he treats you over time, etc etc.

 

I'm a little bit confused here. You don't believe them if they talk about marriage, or if they introduce you to their family but only if the word exclusive comes out of their mouth then it means something more and you can trust them?!! How whould you know they would't back off on that?

[Batya33]

I'm a little bit confused here. You don't believe them if they talk about marriage, or if they introduce you to their family but only if the word exclusive comes out of their mouth then it means something more and you can trust them?!! How whould you know they would't back off on that?

 

No, not what I wrote in the least and I am sorry if I wasn't clear in my posts. I wrote that I do not assume we are exclusive or serious just because he talks about marriage and introduces me to his family early on. I watch the feet not the lips with one exception.

 

When he asks if I want to be exclusive, then I know he wants to be exclusive (and potentially serious or serious) and before that time I assume that while he might be very interested in me, thinking of the future, etc, he does not yet want to be exclusive. I watch the feet - what he does - more than the lips - what he says - because I think that that is a more effective way to get to know someone, especially if you watch his actions over time.

 

Many people sincerely believe they are serious about someone very early on, because they are infatuated and excited, and thereforee, what they say is sincere but not necessarily a long term view and not necessarily backed up with a desire to commit. By contrast, when a man asks you to be exclusive and acts consistently with being exclusive, then you know he wants to be exclusive.

 

I do think trust is built over time, and that assuming someone is not trustworthy in the beginning is cynical. Being careful with your heart and getting to know someone over time is a realistic perspective.

[tabbi75]

I do think trust is built over time, and that assuming someone is not trustworthy in the beginning is cynical. Being careful with your heart and getting to know someone over time is a realistic perspective.

 

I agree, easier said than done though. Its hard when someone treats you well and everything seem to be going nicely not to let your heart go. Some people are more emotional and some more realistic, and getting hurt is the price we have to pay for loving I guess.

 

I'm kind of becoming very skeptical of the fact that a normal two-sided relationship can ever exist, but thats a whole other story!!! I hope I'm wrong.

[CallingAllAngels]

I agree, easier said than done though. Its hard when someone treats you well and everything seem to be going nicely not to let your heart go. Some people are more emotional and some more realistic, and getting hurt is the price we have to pay for loving I guess.

 

I'm kind of becoming very skeptical of the fact that a normal two-sided relationship can ever exist, but thats a whole other story!!! I hope I'm wrong.

 

Wow - no truer words were ever spoken!

[Batya33]

I agree, easier said than done though. Its hard when someone treats you well and everything seem to be going nicely not to let your heart go. Some people are more emotional and some more realistic, and getting hurt is the price we have to pay for loving I guess.

 

I'm kind of becoming very skeptical of the fact that a normal two-sided relationship can ever exist, but thats a whole other story!!! I hope I'm wrong.

 

Yes, if you take my advice to extremes but that is not what I meant and not my advice. I think it's more than possible to be excited, experience all the yummy feelings, get to know someone and still stay grounded to a reasonable degree. I am a very emotional and romantic person and I did just that, always to my benefit. I care for myself too much and have too much of a fun fulfilling life to let myself go completely with a near stranger who is treating me well but knows each of his pairs of socks far longer than he knows me. And that is not about cynicsm just about enjoying the romance while opening up at a reasonable pace over time.

 

I don't think it's a price you pay for "loving" because at least for me i don't think it can be true love after two weeks. Loving is giving and requires giving and being inspired to give over a period of time - anyone can do nice things for a short, intense period of time especially when the chemistry is intense. Not sure why it has to be so one sided that you need to let yourself go completely for a near stranger in the name of "love" - and then being reasonably grounded, reasonably protective, is seen as not being "emotional." Indeed I would think that letting oneself go completely over a near stranger is far more about being in love with love since you don't really know the person yet.

[tabbi75]

Wow, you are so ratioanl Batya, I wish I could be more like that you are right though I shouldn't use the word love, because it wasn't really love, it's more like infatuation. But also when the relationship is young and it ends you always wonder about the potentials, however an older realtionship no matter how good it was in the beginning, if it dies you have more things to convince yourself of why it ended...to my experience at least!

[gracerules2008]

Wait for the woman to ask for exclusivity. The guy shouldn't ask for an exclusive relationship.

[Batya33]

Wow, you are so ratioanl Batya, I wish I could be more like that you are right though I shouldn't use the word love, because it wasn't really love, it's more like infatuation. But also when the relationship is young and it ends you always wonder about the potentials, however an older realtionship no matter how good it was in the beginning, if it dies you have more things to convince yourself of why it ended...to my experience at least!

 

My experience has always been different - when the relationship ends shortly after the honeymoon phase, early on, I'm very clear about why there was no potential - usually because there was no real foundation to inspire us after the initial high/excitement wears off - and often I simply enjoy the yummy memories. With a longer relationship with its typical complexities, it's hard to accept that after all that time and investment it still couldn't work, especially if there's no clear cut reason among the many possibilities.

 

One key I found was having a fun fulfilling life which meant that a new man could not monopolize my time and it was easy to limit our earlier dates to once or twice a week because I was legitimately busy. That helped me get to know him in a more realistic context instead of the rush rush insta-relationship.

 

RayKay started a thread some months ago called "fools rush in" where she put all of this better than I can (and it wasn't a real reference to "fools" - I don't mean it that way either - i think it was just a reference to the movie by that title.