Help. She's been seeing her ex.

[kamurj]

Hi,

 

We have been in a committed relationship for almost a year, and I care a great deal about this girl. We have even been making plans to live together and eventually get married. However, I recently discovered an email from her exboyfriend that indicated they had been keeping in touch.

 

I confronted her & she denied everything. The next day (Friday) she came over to talk and told me that they had gone out for coffee 2-3 times,

and that the relationship was strictly plutonic.

 

That same day we had makeup sex, and she stayed over the entire weekend. She assured me of her love for me and apologized profusely. She gauranteed me that she would immediately cut off all contact with him. We had a very passionate weekend to say the least.

 

Well, it's the next week and my feelings of distrust have re-surfaced. It got to the point where I asked her to take a polygraph test yesterday to confirm her story and she is reluctant.

 

This resulted in a fight.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[kamurj]

The polygraph test was a bit much, man. But I hear your concern. You care a great deal about this woman, and you're investing a lot of yourself in the relationship. Healthy relationships are give and take, two way street, whatever metaphor of duality you can think of. She should have been upfront the first time she went for coffee. So, she made a mistake. But the key thing is, she apologized. If she didn't, you'd have something to wonder about. But, she apologized and you should feel good. Unless there are other instances that have made you uncomfortable about trusting her, I'd let this instance float away like water under the bridge. Move forward with your girlfriend who apologized to you. And tell her you overreacted by asking her to take a lie-detector test--apologize.

[kamurj]

I agree with the last post that the polygraph was to much. I agree that your girlfriend shouldn't have kept it from you. But I also think asking her to cut off all contact with him is silly. Wanting to remain friends with him is a sign of maturity, as long as everything is on the up and up of course. You need to be confident in the way she feels about you, and trust her when she says that there is nothing going on between them. If you can't trust her, even if she isn't doing anything, what is the point of dating? And if something happens between them, then she wasn't the woman for you anyway. Trust is important, but nobody can earn your trust if there is never any situation in which they have a chance to.

[kamurj]

Go with your gut on this one. If you are concerned enough over this to ask for a polygraph then you already know that you cannot trust her right now- whether what you feel is going on is or not is secondary. Trust your intuition on the initial dishonesty. If you are regularly jealous, she may have denied staying in touch for fear of the polygraph (over)reaction....but if not normally distrusting or jealous with her, there is something happening. My two cents is that if it is strictly platonic- she would be open about it and NOT offer to "cut all contact" immediately - Common sense says when you are friends, you don't try to hide it, deny it, then appologize profusely and have sex....that is what a lot of people do when they are sorry for cheating. The incredible make up sex is a red flag for my brain- it can easily be cover up sex...distraction sex...break up but not done sex... Either way, if she did cheat on you ask yourself if you would stay with her regardless. That is after you listen to your belly-reaction to the deceit.

[kamurj]

Don't worry about it. It's not like she's just going to say to a friend that she can not see him again. She probably is seeing him again but that does not mean they are inlove or having intimate times together. They are probably just friends but she may be scared you will blow it out of proportion.

 

Coffee is not sex -- at least the last time I had a cup!

[NEBO]

you obviously hit a rough patch with her, and

now like all girls she is sugar coating her memories of her Ex.

exaggerating all the good times, forgetting all the bad times.

"Oh, He was so good, he was so funny, he cared about me so much more" conveniently forgetting the bashings and abuse as they do so...

 

she cheated on you with him. full stop. sounds like her heart is still with him now as well. if you can lie-down with her knowing that her heart wants him, yearns for him, she wants his touch, wants to be with him, then you're a sadder man than I. I couldn't even touch her again knowing that!

 

What normal Partner remains in contact with their Ex and says nothing?

What a disgusting, repugnant and deceitful thing to do.

 

men and women cannot be friends without feelings being involved which lead to infidelity. not right away, but the road there is straight and clear.

 

(censored) her off, and get a new woman. you deserve more than her. why should you be made to feel bad?!

he can deal with her bullshit. hopefully she'll die alone and lonely.

with syphillus too.

[nhisname2002]

You're the best polygraph. If your gut is telling you something isn't right, listen to it. Chances are she's downplaying the event, and there is probably more to it than you think.

Since she's lied to you, your trust has been broken and it's up to her to repair it, especially since this concerns an EX. They don't hang around for 'coffee', that's bs. Ask her to see her cell phone bills and/or email going back to a specific time period.

 

You have to ask yourself a couple of questions; why would she disrespect your relationship by involving an EX in the picture? And she disrespected you personally. Relationship are difficult enough without bring this junk into the picture. It's like putting a square block in a round hole.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Is it just me, or is Anonymous answering his own question here? How old are you guys? Are you the jealous type? Did you ever have a conversation about contact with ex's before you discovered the email? Some people don't have a problem with it.

 

I think it's very reasonable to ask her to stop seeing her ex. She agreed to it, so now you have to trust her.

 

BTW, the polygraph was a bit over the top, don't you think?

[arcadefire]

I have a gut feeling she cheated on you. Under no circumstances do gfs or bfs "just have a coffee" with their ex without anything else in mind. ESPECIALLY alone.

[abouttime]

musicdee is right.

[majord23]

This thread was started in 2002

[Moon Riser]

Sounds like the OP is in for a ride.

When your gut feeling tells you something is wrong is best if you cut your losses short.

 

I had a very bad gut feeling that my gf was cheating on me (not sexually) at the time but emotionally: spending too much time with her new male friend (who also happens to look like a model and had just moved in to the same house). This coupled along with some red flags (making references about him on her FB status, flirty texts with him, a bit distanced from me and the dead give away- the way she gazed at him, not to mention constantly smoking in the garden with him when she doesn't even smoke!) were the give away signals.

 

I called and dumped her soon afterwards. When I saw her she eventually admitted she fancied him.

 

It hurt but I saved myself alot of heartache in the future

[Freshies]

If she apologized you should try and get over it, but watch her, NO EX'S should ever be around when your in a relationship, IT CAN DESTROY a relationship, just read my posting and you will see. You're in a good position, trust her for now but keep a close eye on her, if he comes up again, leave cuz she really isn't going to stop if she already hasn't.

 

 

[majord23]

Guys, this thread was started in 2002. I don't think the OP is still around nor looking for advice any more