How does anyone ever remarry?

[desertsoul]

The biggest thing I've come to realize since my divorce process began is that marriage is a promise that two people have to keep. If one person doesn't mean it, or later decides that, to him or her, it's not worth the effort or unhappiness -- however temporary or permanent -- then it doesn't matter what promises that you yourself made or how strong your commitment to keeping them is. One person can't keep both promises.

 

I don't think I'll ever get married again for that very reason. I don't think I even believe in marriage anymore. And I know that everything is still fresh to me, but even on a purely logical level, I just can't see why I would ever do it again. I may promise to be committed to someone until she breaks her commitment to me, but I can't, in good conscience, promise to commit for a lifetime because it's not a promise that I can guarantee I'll be able to keep -- because she might not let me.

 

It makes me sad that I don't believe in marriage now. I always had before this crap happened. It was important to me. It was a part of my dreams, something I looked forward to because I can't think of any more wonderful way to live than being with someone I love for the rest of my life, growing old with that person, getting to know everything it's possible to know about her, having a family with her, being comfortable being completely myself around her, and just simply having the stability of knowing which face I'm going to wake up looking at every morning.

 

Maybe it was silly of me to ever believe in that.

 

I know my life's not over. I know it's not ruined. But something is ruined for me. My stbx is not a bad person, really. She's made mistakes, but as far as people go, she's a very decent human being. And if she can do this... if she can just throw all of this away so easily, why should I trust anyone to not do the very same thing when things turn less-than-perfect?

 

I know some people on here have been married more than once. How did you do it? How did you keep believing in something that you can never again be sure of?

 

Do I need to just stop dreaming about it? I guess maybe that's what would be healthiest for me, but I don't want to have to do that.

 

Anyway, it's not like I'm anywhere close to even having a concrete reason to consider getting remarried in the near future. I'm just trying to get some stuff straightened out in my head, so any insight would be appreciated.

[Scorpion Fury]

Personally, I think age has a lot to do with it. It seems that you're both very young and maybe she wasn't quite ready for the marriage?

 

Don't let this failed marriage make you a cynic for life. Try and try again. You might get hurt, but we just have to get back on the horse and try again.

[Iceman26]

When I was having problems in my marriage I felt (and still feel) the same way that you do. If my marriage were to end, I would have no desire at all to remarry.

 

The pain and anguish I felt over possibly losing the love of my life was almost more than I could bear. I wouldn't ever want to go through that kind of pain ever again.

[whes]

My mom cheated on my dad after 14 years and four kids. We were visiting her parents when she moved out of the house and 1300 km away. My father had no idea there was anything even wrong until he got an email from her saying that they were getting a divorce. He still cannot talk about her without getting bitter, much less talk to her. She broke his heart and turned his life and beliefs upside down.

 

But he remarried, and him and my stepmom have one of the strongest marriages I've ever seen besides my grandparents'. Some of my friends even look to my dad and my stepmom when they think about what kind of marriage they want to have. And if he hadn't gotten divorced from my mother, he never would have met my stepmom.

 

There's always hope. Don't give up on love.

[desertsoul]

Personally, I think age has a lot to do with it. It seems that you're both very young and maybe she wasn't quite ready for the marriage?

 

Undoubtedly, she was very young, and I was not an old man myself, and I don't ever really question the fact that that had a lot to do with why things have ended. But how can I ever really know that someone is ready? She seemed ready.

 

I mean, it's such a huge promise to make. You would think that if someone was going to be sure to consider how ready he or she is about any promise that they were going to make, that it would be that one. I spent many weeks and months before the wedding, questioning if I was ready, questioning if getting married aligned with my life's goals and with everything I felt about my wife. I was sure that I was ready. And I tried to make sure she was.

 

But she wasn't. And until recently, I didn't have any way of knowing that.

 

How can I ever believe that I know that someone is ready when things went so badly this first time around?

 

Don't let this failed marriage make you a cynic for life. Try and try again. You might get hurt, but we just have to get back on the horse and try again.

 

Yeah, I'll try again. I'll be looking for someone to love. But I don't know if I can stop being cynical -- or maybe that's not even the right word, maybe skeptical is better -- about marriage.

[jettison]

Nothing is sure. It's not just marriage. Life isn't sure either. Really, life is sure in a sense. It is sure to end. You are sure to die. So why do you bother?

 

Marriage is no different. Your marriage will end. Perhaps, it will be death that parts you. Or maybe it will be something else. One never knows. In this life, you don't refrain from doing things just because you aren't sure about them or because they may change. The only sure thing in this life is that everything will change.

 

That's a concept to embrace and not one to dread. The people that survive the best in this world are those who are not only able to accept change, but are able to embrace it.

 

Osho has in interesting (if not a little hippyish) metaphor he likes to use. The branches in the stream are nourished by water that flows by them. Without the water, they will die. However, the branches do not lunge for the water and try to capture it, to contain it. They simply let it wash on by them, feed them, and then they have faith that the water will once again come flowing by to nourish them at some point.

 

Love is like that. You should be grateful for every moment because every bit of it is temporary. Your stream may come rushing by for a few moments, for a few months, for a few years, or for a few decades. Either way, you should never be focused too much on capturing the stream. It is impossible! You must be focused on enjoying that stream and receiving the nourishment as it flows by you.

 

And later, when the stream is gone, you need to have enough faith that it will come back to you and feed you once more.

[desertsoul]

My mom cheated on my dad after 14 years and four kids. We were visiting her parents when she moved out of the house and 1300 km away. My father had no idea there was anything even wrong until he got an email from her saying that they were getting a divorce. He still cannot talk about her without getting bitter, much less talk to her. She broke his heart and turned his life and beliefs upside down.

 

But he remarried, and him and my stepmom have one of the strongest marriages I've ever seen besides my grandparents'. Some of my friends even look to my dad and my stepmom when they think about what kind of marriage they want to have. And if he hadn't gotten divorced from my mother, he never would have met my stepmom.

 

There's always hope. Don't give up on love.

 

Thanks for your story. It really does give me a little more hope.

 

Maybe what I'm really trying to ask is, how can I know that someone is ready and able to make a lifelong commitment? I understand that there are a few things I could have done to increase my chances, like:

 

1) Waiting longer to get married -- much longer

2) Marrying someone who is older than X years... where X is definitely greater than 20

3) Discussing life goals and listening for where there may be some incompatibility between those goals and having a healthy, strong marriage

4) Not ignoring sexual incompatibility

 

But even if I do all these things, can I still ever be sure that I've found someone who wants what I want and is as strong in her commitment?

[Steve 7745]

Almost six months ago, things ended between M and myself. But she had been married once long before meeting me.

 

M was around 18 when she was married. She got together with her highschool sweet heart, who was also the same ethnic group that she is. They were married for ten years. During that time, the man's immaturity came out 100 fold. He sat around playing games for weeks on end. When he spent money, the money came from M's accounts, as she was a nurse. She paid for the house, the car, everything. He did not study, he did not support her. He slipped into drugs and hanging out with his friends.

 

Eventually, not only did he prove himself decadent but unloyal as well. He started seeing a woman on the side. M was upset. He told her that he was finished and wouldn't do it anymore. Things got a little better for a few months. Then he dropped the P-bomb.

 

He got the affairee pregnant.

 

In M's culture, it's considered an embarrassment for a wife to leave the husband. After ten years of supporting a guy who had no motivation, loyalty or... well, morals, she finally walked out on him and went back to her parents. Her ex-husbands parents came and begged her to return, but she refused.

 

M had much time to get over her divorce, although after 10 years, I would not expect her to readily forget everything. After dating her for six months, things started to warm up enough that I was beginning to wonder what the rest of my life would be like with her. But during our break up (a story I would have to tell another time), she flat out told me that she doesn't think she could ever marry again.

 

I understand that it's very, very hard to get married after it failed once. Society, television, and fairy tales all say that marriage is special and supposed to last forever (although the former two also rant on about promiscuity and infidelity as well, and if you know any X-rated fairy tales, keep them to yourself please). We can easily feel let down when people make a premature promise of making things last forever.

 

Marriage doesn't solve anything, it's not an answer. It's not a cure to your relationship problems. It's a full blown commitment that people should not take lightly and give only when completely ready- not just because their emotions say so, but economically, socially, life goals, and in regards to each other's family, as well as how well you get along with your partner. When you factor in all these considerations, you'll come to understand that the criteria for marrying someone makes for a very, very slim percentage of the people you will date.

 

So don't feel bad that any of this was not obvious. Both my parents made THAT mistake once in their lives, getting married to the wrong people. But then they met one another, and have been married 26 years and still going strong. No signs of divorce, and they have weather problematic children and financial issues without giving up. So don't give up just because you hit the rocks once.

 

Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst.

[desertsoul]

That's some deep stuff, jettison. And, ya know, I'm trying to make the best out of what's happening. I do believe I now have an opportunity to be happier than I was.

 

But I'm specifically concerned about marriage, mostly.

 

I don't think I can do it again, because it offers no security to me anymore. While I was married, I felt like, no matter how bad of a fight we had, things would be okay and she would still be there for me the next day because we had promised each other that we would do whatever it took to stay together. It was a sanctuary for me, a source of comfort, knowing that she'd made that promise. It's why I continued to work so hard, even in the very end.

 

And it's because I thought she meant her promise as much as I meant mine.

 

But she didn't. And now I don't think I can ever have that comfort from marriage again.

 

I will date again. And I will find a long-term relationship again. But I have no reason to believe that marriage changes anything. A promise outside of marriage to commit is now the same to me as the promise of marriage itself.

[TexasDad]

Thanks for your story. It really does give me a little more hope.

 

Maybe what I'm really trying to ask is, how can I know that someone is ready and able to make a lifelong commitment? I understand that there are a few things I could have done to increase my chances, like:

 

1) Waiting longer to get married -- much longer

2) Marrying someone who is older than X years... where X is definitely greater than 20

3) Discussing life goals and listening for where there may be some incompatibility between those goals and having a healthy, strong marriage

4) Not ignoring sexual incompatibility

 

But even if I do all these things, can I still ever be sure that I've found someone who wants what I want and is as strong in her commitment?

 

 

 

You can rule those two out as I waited until I was 35 to get married my ex wife was 28 we were together 11 years married 9 had two kids, supposedly had the same goals in life until she changed hers and didn't tell me...

 

I hope to find love again, and I'd love to be married again but I doubt I ever will because I have lost the ability to put my trust in love...

 

Now everything I ever wanted in life is gone...

[Cognitive_Canine]

slippery slope, my man.

 

My uncle got divorced from his wife around your age. She was cheating on him with her dental hygenist.

 

But, yeah, he still is pretty unhappy and very cynical about love in general. He used to be the life of the party. Everybody's best friend. Now, he lives alone in a very deep depression. She wasn't worth it either. No one is worth that much unhappiness.

 

You both probably did mean it at the time. But, people change, especially at our ages.

[desertsoul]

You can rule those two out as I waited until I was 35 to get married my ex wife was 28 we were together 11 years married 9 had two kids, supposedly had the same goals in life until she changed hers and didn't tell me...

 

I hope to find love again, and I'd love to be married again but I doubt I ever will because I have lost the ability to put my trust in love...

 

Now everything I ever wanted in life is gone...

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can't say that I fully understand since you were together for much longer, but I do feel your pain.

 

Really, I meant wait longer into our relationship to get married; certainly, I think I should have waited until I was a bit more mature, but we only dated for a year. Which makes me feel really dumb. But I was in love, and thus ready to believe it didn't matter and that I knew her well enough to believe in her commitment.

 

At the very least, I've learned a lot from all of this...

[ImThatGirl]

I don't know how people believe again. I don't know how people can relax and go down a path of trusting again.

 

Maybe it has to do with looking back and realizing the signs that were missed and mistakes that were made within the marriage. The need and desire to settle down with someone and be happily married. And the thoughts that since they had learned from their mistakes, they will do better and more selective and think more positively that this time around things will be better.

 

I've never been married. Just my thoughts on this.

[blackgnat]

I just got divorced after 22 years of marriage.

 

I will never marry again.

 

I am not bitter about it, as we had a very amicable divorce, but I think marriage is unreasonable. The expectations are sky high. To invest everything you have in ONE person is too much of a burden.

 

I don't like the way you are considered a failure if you can't make it work. What's the prize if you do?

 

I am not interested in living in anyone else's personal space again. I had many years of caring and doing and sacrificing my own needs for someone else. I have become too selfish -or is that self protective?- to ever want to do that again.

[desertsoul]

You both probably did mean it at the time. But, people change, especially at our ages.

 

You're right. People do change.

 

My marriage was my top priority in my life. It's possible that, at some point, that would have changed. I honestly don't believe that it would have without some huge, life-altering event coming up, but it is possible.

 

But the difference is that I went into our marriage with the intent to build my life around me and her being together. She was trying to build the marriage around her life.

 

I think those are the two roads you can go down. You can put your marriage first and work on it and try to align your goals with lifelong commitment to another person, or you can try and make it work in a life where it doesn't really fit and where it's not very important to you.

 

I want someone who's on that first road. But I don't know if I can believe in my own ability to tell the difference. I don't know if I can get the trust back now.

[Mutley]

I don't know if I'll ever get married again.

 

If I do, it's not going to be for a long, long time.

[whes]

But even if I do all these things, can I still ever be sure that I've found someone who wants what I want and is as strong in her commitment?

 

Well, like jettison said, you can't really control any of it! Just trust that it can and will happen again, if you are ready for it. My dad waited 5 years, but he's not really someone who should be alone. When he was ready, he actively searched for someone (him and my stepmom met through an online dating service) till her found her. She had had an abusive marriage, which ended when her husband committed suicide. It was very hard for her to trust again after that, but when she and my Dad met, that was that.

 

I don't think you can ever know that the person will be committed for life because of real reasons, but rather because of that gut feeling that tells you it is right. When you just know.

 

jettison, I love your advice, btw. You always say exactly what I am thinking but can actually say it properly.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, I know marriage is at a completely new level but it is quite similar to just about everything in dating.

 

We all have to put ourselves out there. Really just pull back our ribs and expose our vulnerable selves to the ones that we may consider spending our lives together.

 

Everyone gets denied at some point. Everyone gets lashed at. For some, the pain causes them to close up themselves and never open up again. To sheild themselves against another attack on our vulnerability.

 

But, at some point, if you want to find love again, you have to be vulnerable.

 

So, the decision is yours. Either you put yourself out there with the possibity of getting hurt, the probability of not knowing, and the chance that you'll find someone worth your time.

 

Or, you never do. And that is the end of that.

[desertsoul]

I have become too selfish -or is that self protective?- to ever want to do that again.

 

I think it's both. First of all, I know personally that I feel that my stbx was selfish in a lot of ways. I gave so much of myself, and I don't feel like doing much of that right now. Maybe someday, I'll heal in that respect. I hope so, because I was always very proud of myself for doing my best (however good or bad that might have been) at being as selfless as possible. I think it made me a good person. But I can only give so much before I feel like breaking.

 

And I have been hurt. A promise that was made to me that made me feel protected was suddenly jerked out from under me, and now I feel that the only person who can protect me is myself. If you can't depend on your own wife, who else can you depend on?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think it's both. First of all, I know personally that I feel that my stbx was selfish in a lot of ways. I gave so much of myself, and I don't feel like doing much of that right now. Maybe someday, I'll heal in that respect. I hope so, because I was always very proud of myself for doing my best (however good or bad that might have been) at being as selfless as possible. I think it made me a good person. But I can only give so much before I feel like breaking.

 

And I have been hurt. A promise that was made to me that made me feel protected was suddenly jerked out from under me, and now I feel that the only person who can protect me is myself. If you can't depend on your own wife, who else can you depend on?

 

Two of the most hurtfull people in my life are my mother and father.

 

It's true that the only person that you can ever 100% know that you can depend on is yourself. However, there are people out there that you can depend on, you just don't know 100% that you can.

[desertsoul]

Well, I know marriage is at a completely new level but it is quite similar to just about everything in dating.

 

Again, you're right. Absolutely. Maybe that's what it is, though. I've always viewed marriage as being on some higher level. I've always viewed it as ultimate and just something else altogether.

 

To me, if I arrange to have a ceremony specifically so I can stand up in front of 100 people I know, most of which are very important to me in some way, and say, "I will do anything to be with you for the rest of our lives," I really better mean it. I'm not effing around. I have a hard enough time just standing up there, but to make a huge promise like that in front of everyone... It seems like it should mean something more.

 

But in this world, it apparently doesn't. It's just another thing that people in relationships do. It doesn't indicate any higher a level of commitment. And that's why I don't believe in it.

 

Don't get me wrong. A lot of people keep talking about not looking for love or believing in love or what have you, but I still believe in love. I will search for it until I find it, or, if I can't, then until the day I die.

 

But marriage is dead in my mind. And with all the expense and difficulty and embarrassment that comes with divorce that don't come with just breaking up in a non-legally binding long-term relationship, I can't justify ever doing it again. People who are happily married are, to me, people who would have been just as happy and lucky to have each other if they'd just stayed together as plain ole significant others.

 

I've come to understand that you're taking basically just as big a risk getting married as you would simply saying to someone, "I'm committed to being with you forever," or for a week, or whatever.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, I am just glad to see that you have lost your value in marriage and not in love altogether.

 

Marriage is not a goal, as some people think. It is not the end to a journey, not a final committement that binds people together, not a higher place than any other long term relationship with committment.

 

It used to be. But, that was back when people lived to the ripe old age of 35 and divorce wasn't an option. Also, couples back then really didn't love each other as much as just worked well together in their roles.

 

However, love is something completely different from marriage.

Never give up on the love aspect.

[JadedStar]

i was going to write a reply that said basically what this post said but Jetti said it so spot on glorious i can't add much to it.

 

I think it is sad when someone says well marriages will likely fail so why do it. Like jetti said live each day and appreciate everyday you have in love iwth someone. Sure we should look into our futures some but projecting failure and avoiding things in life because it may happen is ignorant IMO. Like he said marriage WILL end one day. Be it a divorce or death of one of you. Nothing is forever IMO.

 

Make the most of each day as you are living it.

[desertsoul]

Two of the most hurtfull people in my life are my mother and father.

 

It's true that the only person that you can ever 100% know that you can depend on is yourself. However, there are people out there that you can depend on, you just don't know 100% that you can.

 

I know that's reality, but it sucks. We all basically have to expect that anyone is capable of hurting us at any time, regardless of how much it seems like they're there for you. That's weighing on me now more than ever. I want to be able to think more of humanity than that. But it's times like these when I think it's natural to be cynical, because it highlights just how much it really sucks that there is no one you can 100% depend on, regardless of love or anything else.

 

Sorry. I've always been a bit of an idealist. I know I'm just ranting, but I feel like I need to get it out... ](*,)

[Seraphim]

My mom was married 3 times, peope get remarried all the time.