Son arrested-what to do?

[blackgnat]

After a lot of drug use, my son (aged 19) got pulled over by the cops and was arrested this evening. He was with his good friend, in MY car (which has now been impounded) with HEROIN. Who knew? I knew he smoked weed and that he's experimented, but HEROIN???

 

He's in jail and has called me three times already. He doesn't seem particularly remorseful. In fact, one call was to ask if I could take down the number of his "buddy" (cellmate) so they can keep in touch after they get released.

 

Which brings me to:

 

Bail. His bail hearing is set for tomorrow at 1:30. I have NO idea what this is all about, but from Googling, I think that anything associated with heroin carries pretty stiff penalties and fines. I don't know if I can afford to bail him out, especially since I just got divorced 10 days ago and also am in the midst of a DUI case. I don't think I have enough financial resources to add this to the pile of sh!t that's accumulating.

 

Also, my son has definite sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies-hence the call above. He is demanding that I post bail, because "I can't stay here and rot for the next few months". Well, first, you done wrong and second, if I can't bail you out, you might HAVE to.

 

Then, there's the added twist of:

 

For a while now, he has wanted to commit suicide. He has attempted it twice. He told me the other day that if the cops ever caught him and he was looking at jail time, he would kill himself. One of our conversations this evening was how he was going to stick to his Plan after I bailed him out. I THINK this means he is going to off himself. Or it could mean that he's going to skip town and I will lose bail money. Either solution is horrific to me, but of course the first is unthinkable.

 

SO, tomorrow, do I go and bail him out, knowing that he might possibly try and kill himself? Do I let him stay in there, on the premise that he will learn his lesson? WILL he learn his lesson? One part of me doesn't see anything wrong with him being in jail-he is pretty arrogant and doesn't seem to think that what he did was wrong. He's complaining that the cops aren't giving them anything to eat or drink, and calling them "effing aholes".

 

Another part of me KNOWS that he won't last 5 minutes in jail-he's a good looking kid, tiny and slender. Poor coping skills. He's bipolar, too.

 

Then again, he is immature enough to like the "street cred" that this might afford.

 

Any insights or advice? Thanks!

[monkey123]

he needs to get clean, im 19 and i smoke weed and drink and sometimes i do shrooms but i would never touch herion. My brothers friend had been doing herion for about 6 months and he got so addicted to it. He spent all his money, he stole from his parents and friends and it ruined him. He went to rehab and he said it was the hardest thing he has ever done, at one point he couldnt sleep for 16 days (only 2 hours of sleep he says). He says now he is so happy to be clean from herion because it really does ruin peoples lives. He needs help clearly if he has had suicidal thoughts. Herion makes suicide very easy because if u want to kill or self or even at the time ur feeling depressed taking more herion is easy to do and it can kill u. So please get him some help whether he wants it or not he needs it.

 

Tell him the only way u will bail him out is if he agrees to serious counsaling and drug rehab and all that stuff and MAKE him do it. seriously herion is no joke he needs to understand that.

[orangesoda]

sorry to hear that its heroin...sounds likely that he'll do jailtime. i had a relative go to the state pen, and was never the same when he came out - part of him died, or rather was killed, inside.

 

he's your son. i think you're obligated to at least look into posting bail. whether you can or cannot (or will not), you should at least look into it. blood is blood.

[Iconate]

I am not a parent, and sadly I don't really have any advice. But I just want you to know I feel for you. It's a parents worst nightmare...it is something we never wish on our kid.

 

Maybe ONE last chance should be in order? And use that chance to let him know exactly what he is getting himself into. Make him realize that if he doesn't clean up his act soon, hes going to be in a lot deeper trouble.

 

I hope someone with some real advice can help you here

[monkey123]

also u should try to find some1 who has experience doing it first hand who can talk to him, idk kind of like those DUII impact panel classes where they have the guy talk to the group who was drinking and driving and killed some1 and it ruined his life, just to get the point accross

[Aleadragonhawk]

My thought is that if you get him out of this, he'll never change - because he won't have reason to change.

[kuhl282000]

HEROIN .....is the worst of the worst.

 

And your son is using it now ...........he is at the bottom for sure.

 

My very best friend who is now dead because of it ...God rest his soul ......well you would have never thought ......nobody knew ......the guy was so good looking he could have been a movie star ......

 

His parents left him to fin for himself ......he had no resorces ......

 

He ended up in prison ..got 7 years ...served 3 .......when he got out with no support ...they found him dead (overdosed) with a needle in his arm in a dumpster.

 

I loved this person dearly .....and yes they need help

 

Your son is in a major situation now ......and its going to cost him and people around him ......as far as the lesson .....only time will tell.

 

The bail, the car, the lawyers, .........nightmare on Elm Street

 

But if it were me and it were my son ......I would bail him out in a heartbeat.

 

I would make him pay back everything at a later date ......but not to many people deserve to sit in jail and rot.

 

If it were you would you need help?

 

I know I would

 

Good Luck Today .......you have a rocky Road ahead of you for sure ......I'm on one myself right now ...but thank God without drugs .........

[amipushy]

In my opinion..This is far too big for anyone on here to give you appropriate advice.

 

Nobody on here is a professional and I know I wouldnt want to be responsible for giving you the wrong advice and something dire happened to you or your son. However I would be glad to offer my support to you in whatever you choose to do.

 

I think that you should speak to someone professional, whether it be a doctor, a drugs counsellor, lawyer or a police officer or all 4 of them, you do need professional assistance regarding your son and his possible suicide especially seeing as he is taking heroin which is all too easy to overdose on and is possibly a sociopath.

[CaptainPlanet]

Heroin user... let him stay in prison. The sooner you cut him off the better. Thats my opinion.

[deleted-account]

He can't continue his addiction if he stays in jail for a while. If you bail him out, I guarentee he will be using that night. He'll lie through his teeth and say anything you want to hear in an effort to get you to bail him out. He needs help and the jail can give him the help he needs.

[just M.E.]

Even if he promises treatment, once he is out, there is little chance he will go through with it or if he does, will he stay clean. The statistics for this are horrible. I have a good friend who has spent a small fortune on trying to help his daughter with prescription pain killer addiction. He has fought he legal battles for her and had her put in on of the best treatment facilities. The success rate of the better treatment facilities is only about 20%. The success rate of all drug and alcohol abuse with treatment or without is only about 5%.

 

Be careful of destroying your future for this. If he has sociopathic / personality disorders, there will be no remorse on his part.

 

Remember the first rule of life saving for swimmers, works in these situations also.

 

You can't save another person if you let them pull you under and drown.

[Seraphim]

Right now it is the drugs and his addiction talking and his other undealt with mental issue. If you bail him out you are enabling him to keep on with his merry life and keep doing drugs. You are making sure he has no consequences for what he does. Addicts will say ANYTHING to get what they want and that is their high. He needs to be clean and for him to do that you need to fix yourself so you do not enable him. And you have your own impending case to deal with. He probably will go to jail but the alternative is have him dead which is what he will probably be in a year. It sounds like he needs SERIOUS treatment. The only way I can see bailing him out is if he is picked up and taken directly to a treatment facility from jail after the bond is posted. You can not rely on him going there himself. Good Luck.

[healthseeker]

I would tell him that I would bail him out on the condition that he goes straight to treatment...even if it is a state run facility. I would have him sign something and scare the hell outta him.

[Seraphim]

Signing something will not scare an addict He needs to be physically taken to the facility and thrown through the door and kept there until he is clean and finds out why he feels the need to do drugs. If you do not find that out you have a HUGE danger of relapsing. Treatment is about the whole person not just the addiction.

[StretchGee]

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Heroin is the worst - it killed two of my friends. Perhaps it is best he was caught early.

 

I agree with many above - do not post bail especially if you cannot support the treatment necessary at this time. If he is looking to hook back up with his buddies when he gets out, then he will not change...promise or no.

 

And DEFINITELY make sure the police/jail knows of his suicide threats so that they can take any extra precautions.

[Seraphim]

Exactly like the above poster said! It maybe be a hard way to dry out in jail but at least he will. Herion KILLS.

[healthseeker]

Signing something will not scare an addict He needs to be physically taken to the facility and thrown through the door and kept there until he is clean and finds out why he feels the need to do drugs. If you do not find that out you have a HUGE danger of relapsing. Treatment is about the whole person not just the addiction.

 

I agree, but he is 19 and she cannot legally keep him in treatment against his will. I was just hoping he would be dumb enough to believe that if he signed something, that there was repricussions.

 

My family went through a similar situation w/ my younger brother who was on meth. We could not force him into treatment legally.

[blackgnat]

I talked to my ex husband, who is better at this stuff than I am and we agreed that he should stay there.

 

I feel pretty certain that if I bail him out, he will either attempt suicide or he will go right back to drugs. He certainly won't turn up in court on the appointed date.

 

As far as treatment goes, he's been in rehab and detox a couple of times and the ending is always the same. Plus, last time he went in, he was 19, and it wasn't covered by insurance, so now he owes $11,000. I don't think a treatment facility would take him.

 

He has called me several times and I keep telling him no. He is begging, saying he's going to go straight to a friend's house and won't see me. I have unplugged the phone.

 

I guess I have always enabled him, but this is where it stops. The pain I feel is so monumental, I can't describe it. What am I DOING?? This is my child. But, he has been pretty extreme in the past couple of months and I can only see it going downhill. He was pretty much set on dealing drugs using my car and my house as a base and I kept telling him he couldn't live with me and do that, but he kept pi$$ing all over my boundaries.

 

PLEASE, a million times, someone tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I can't bear this pain.

[StretchGee]

I guess I have always enabled him, but this is where it stops. The pain I feel is so monumental, I can't describe it. What am I DOING?? This is my child. But, he has been pretty extreme in the past couple of months and I can only see it going downhill. He was pretty much set on dealing drugs using my car and my house as a base and I kept telling him he couldn't live with me and do that, but he kept pi$$ing all over my boundaries.

 

PLEASE, a million times, someone tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I can't bear this pain.

 

You are doing the right thing. You are trying to save his life. Know that he needs this help more than anything as it truly is a matter of life and death.

 

As harsh as it sounds he may be able to get the help he needs from the justice system. Even a 'scared straight' deal if he should meet with others who have been down the heroin road. One thing is certain...if allowed to continue with his habit he will likely not live past his twenties.

 

Good luck and God bless...

[orangesoda]

he's made his choices, you can only look after yourself now.

 

unless he makes the conscious decision to go clean, even jail is unlikely to break his habit. drugs are available in prison, unfortunately.

[blackgnat]

Update: I called the jail last night to alert them to the fact that he might be suicidal and they told me that he had posted a personal recognizance bond and would be getting out at midnight!

 

It's as easy as that.

 

Unbelievable! All that mental agony for NOTHING.

 

His brother picked him up from jail and he slept here last night. We had a long conversation and he said that he sees no joy in life and wants to die. He looks so skinny-I'm sure he hasn't been eating anything-wears baggy clothes, so it's hard to tell. He says he will NEVER stop drinking and getting high-it's the only thing that makes life at all bearable.

 

What a nightmare.

[blackgnat]

Forgot to thank everyone who replied.

 

I really appreciate the input.

[healthseeker]

Blackgnat,

 

It is indeed a nightmare. I know that when someone is of legal age...it takes 2 family members to commit them. I would seriously think about doing this. He is suicidal and told you himself he has no plans on helping himself. You can do this at a state hospital.

 

I am sorry for your burden and pain.

[monkey123]

be strong and dont give up, thats the only advice i think any of us can give u at this point. This is the biggest challenge of ur life but u can overcome it. Good luck and i hope the best for u and your family

[karma85]

sweetie you u said u cant afford the bail. and he needs to learn the hard way. he dosnt respect u. so leave him. in ther. thers nothin u can do. ur son has to learn the hard way.