Alicia85 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I am 9 months pregnant and the father left me 3 weeks ago. He told me he loved me but it wasnt working because of my hormones, and that he was staying at his friends house.... This left me obviously hurt, but determined to fix things to make a happy home for our baby to be born into. Two days ago, I found out he has actually been sleeping with a neighbor down the street ever since he met her 4 weeks ago when she was walking by our house with her two kids. Today, he moved our dog into her house and he told me that he is also going to be moving his 5 year old daughter (shes not mine, this is my first child) into her house . HE MET THIS GIRL A MONTH AGO AND HE IS MOVING NOT JUST HIMSELF BUT HIS DAUGHTER IN? His daughter has a room at my house & I bought a lot of very nice things for her, and he is going to move all of those things to the house of a person he has only know for one month!?? and not to mention, I AM PREGNANT WITH HIS 2ND CHILD WHO WILL BE BORN ANY DAY NOW. He says this girl is a wonderful person and he wants to be with her because she makes him happy. I of course, (according to him) never made him happy the way she does and he says I shouldnt judge her because Ive never met her and shes a "good person" (HA! thats such BS -- shes a HOMEWRECKER!). So, even though I have supported him through 6 months of his unemployment by working a very stressful job throughout my pregnancy this past year, and I have helped him pay for legal fees to get his driver license back, and that did put a strain on our relationship, I did not make him happy with my moods, nevermind my actions to help him. I should also mention that for the past 10 years on and off, he has smoked crack on a weekly or daily basis while I tried desperately to get him to stop (no I do NOT smoke crack, I have just been "addicted to love") and I also have to admit that he has been physically and mentally abusive to me and I cannot hide it anymore to try to protect him from judgement of our peers or family. He has isolated me, and I feel like I am waking up from being brainwashed. So, I have blown the whistle that I cannot handle this on my own anymore given that I am PREGNANT and he is probably diddling her right around the corner from me as I write this... I finally had to tell my family what is happening, and I am trying to put together the pieces with a network of friends and family (which is not easy right now because I have trained myself not to "rat" on him when he has been mean to me, and I have also alienated a lot of people) to tell me not to go back to him. I know I cannot be alone right now and I need to stay strong, I WILL get through this. I know I must WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK. Because the relationship I had with him CLEARLY is unhealthy, and I have to face the fact that the relationship was never a good thing in the first place. I can only blame myself for this to the point that I accept that I should have left him long ago (before I got pregnant would have been ideal!) but the fact is that I didnt, and now I am being given a clear opportunity to do right by the new life I created with him(He gave me this baby on purpose, she was not an accident). So... they say babies CHOOSE their parents, and this baby chose me and him. I may not be able to see it now, but god/fate/destiny NEVER gives us more than we can handle, and without struggles, we would not have a measure by which to know true happiness. I am having an EXTREMELY hard time right now and I have cried so much that I cant cry anymore, but at the same time I also feel that I am breaking free and this is a new beginning, where it is CRUCIAL that I make the right choices to create happiness in mine and my unborn daughter's future. I AM a good person and I DESERVE to be happy. I hope that this child will give me strength to be a strong mother for her. I also want to NEVER have an unhealthy relationship again... for her sake as much as mine. I am going to go as far away from her father as I possibly can (hopefully out of state to live with my sis)after I give birth and I will be selling this house so that I can be strong in leaving him for good. I hope that she will understand that I am doing that for her.. to make sure that her Mom is not ever abused again. Link to comment
tejas Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 You're absolutely doing the right thing by moving on. Don't look back. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I have to say you are doing the right thing....NEVER, NEVER, AND NEVER ever allow someone to abuse you in any possible way. You ought to be glad this new woman has the headaches. Guaranteed in several months once he is tired of eating the same burrito he will do the same thing to her as he did to you...if I were you instead of wasting your time being angry and disliking this woman I would be feeling very very sorry for her, because she is in for a long hard ride. I mean honestly, who in the heck wants an unemployed, abusive, drug addict??? Not to mention he is messing around with a neighbor and god knows who else he has been fooling around with in the past...You don't want to end up getting more than pregnant and next time you get an STD !!!! You are lucky to be rid of him...good luck and hope you are well. Last word of advice...after the baby is born, sell your house, pack your bags and move away from this guy...don't forget to sue him for child support....then next time he won't be so ready to get someone pregnant and not take care of his responsibilities. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 What ever happens with this person he will forever be your baby's father but know this... all it really takes is one good parent... studies have shown this... there are lots of kids with non-functional parents in the home... and all it takes is one good parent.... I'm a living example of that... I know how hard this is and how much you are hurting... I have been in your shoes though my story was a bit different. I have no regrets having my son - I am blessed with a wonderful 7 year old. I am living proof that it just takes one good parent... I pray that you have a good support system in your family and that they are close by... lean on your friends and family and tell him to kiss your fanny... he'll never see it coming! Hugs and good luck! The best in life is yet to come... you wait and see. Link to comment
southerngirl Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I am glad to hear that you are done with this relationship, I hope that you stick with it. This guy is abusive, manipulative, and not worthy of your time. Be careful in blaming the other girl. She may be a homewrecker but he is the one that had made promises to you, not her. She probably will fall victim to his games too. Also, with his addiction to drugs you should be very careful in trusting him around your child. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 It may be a rotten situation at the moment, but consider yourself lucky that he's out of your life. Raising your child with a crackhead woud be a terrible life for you and your baby. You sound smart and strong and you're going to do just fine. Building a support system is a good step. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Good for you, the coming to your senses I mean. Please stick with this and don't go back to him. If you do that, not only will you be in an abusive relationship, but so will your baby. You don't want that. Link to comment
m12988 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I second that. I hear of many women that believe they must stay in a relationship for the good of the child and let me tell you, that never works out. It only makes the child (and both parents) miserable, and you've probably heard the saying "a happy parent makes a happy child". So true. Don't ever go back to this loser, your daughter deserves so much better. She deserves one good, happy mother. Link to comment
Alicia85 Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 Its good to see the support from people. I guess my words are louder than actions right now though... because almost immediately after I got done writing this post... he showed up at my house, and went into my basement and started getting high ( I know he came here because he would not want the neighbor to know what he is really like). Then he came upstairs and attempted to talk to me, to tell me he does not want me to take his baby out of state and I was able to be kinda strong because I told him that it will be what is best for her and I said it calmly. But I am upset that I did not make him leave, and that I even took the time to talk to him and cave in. I only asked him to leave once and then gave in to letting him get high here. Link to comment
undercover007 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I'm sorry to hear this happen to u but I admire ur strength to finally move on. I am in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.. well actually me and him are broken up.. again. But i know how painful it is to be in one and how they can be such cruel people sometimes. I am glad that ur out of this abusive relationship. All of this will only make u stronger. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Change the locks on your house and do not let him in again. You are about to give birth...you don't need the added stress of this creep in your life getting high. You will have a baby to take care of...this guy is a menace and you don't want him around your child, especially when he is getting high. Link to comment
tina-rocks Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Hi, I really feel for you with this situation. Not ideal. However, I agree with the other posts. It's right to move on. You have a divine right to protect yourself and your unborn child. He has done this once so it's only a matter of time before history repeats. With the added issue you are well shot of him. She will be in the firing line now. Not you. Take good care of yourself and your baby. You deserve to be happy too. Tina x Link to comment
healthseeker Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 This guy is a loser...how selfish! Take your beautiful baby and run for the hills!!! Link to comment
Alicia85 Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 So... before he left his morning, after he had gotten himself straight, (and no I didn't have sex with him) he told me he knows this is real screwed up and he is sorry. i told him that being sorry does not change what he has done, and he asked me again what about this baby, and if I really was going to move out of state. I said "yes, I am moving away because I have to take care of me to be a good mom -- and I can't stay in this area to do that, because there are too many bittersweet memories of us, and I have to go where there is family to support me... and what happens if you are alone, and I'm alone, and then we think we should get back together? I cant put myself in that situation and let myself go back together with you, and I am doin that for this baby". So he said he understood, and he feels awful that he did all of this, and he told me he knows that he will be the one who is hurt the most by this cuz he will not get to see her... I do feel very bad that this all has happened, but just cuz I feel bad doesn't mean I can be weak or feel sorry for myself! So, I calmly told him without crying or anything "You can feel awful and be sorry, but there is no turning back from this. We are DONE." and he didn't say anything (because what is there to say after that?) and he left. My question is... am I a bad person for wanting to take his baby with me out of state 14 hours away when she is about 1 month old? As a mother, do I have to stay in a place that makes me miserable, just for the sake of her father to see her? I know his other daughter only sees him about once a week, sometimes less, basically whenever it is convenient for him, and he also does not pay much at all for child support for her so... Is it really so awful that he will not have the chance to see her grow, when he is such an awful person anyways? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Change the locks on your doors, and don't tell him any of your plans. Just make your plans and do them on your own. You do not want your baby anywhere near an abusive crackhead, and it is a wise choice to leave the state and get as far away from him as possible. Just reduce your contact to him to nothing. I would also suggest you don't give up anything you purchased such as his daughter's furniture, since you can use that for your own child in a few years. Make him buy his own furniture and let his new girlfriend pick up that tab if she's stupid enough to do that. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 My question is... am I a bad person for wanting to take his baby with me out of state 14 hours away when she is about 1 month old? As a mother, do I have to stay in a place that makes me miserable, just for the sake of her father to see her? No, you are a smart person. He is an abusive drug addict and the new life that you build for you and your child will be far better than it would be if you stayed. He doesn't sound sincerely concerned that he won't see her anyway...that's very telling about the type of father he would be. Go and start fresh, it will be the best thing you can ever do for your daughter. Link to comment
tina-rocks Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Hi, Listen to bestrongbehappy and Greensleeves advice. Spot on! Tina x Link to comment
Alicia85 Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 Thanks folks. I will try my best to be strong for this baby. I am going to see a psychic today and I am hoping I will hear good news for our future Link to comment
greensleeves Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Psychics are always fun! Let us know how it goes! Link to comment
Takotsubo Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Wow, that is an insane story. You are really inspirational! See how the psychic goes! Link to comment
shygirl1212 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Alicia, Please stay strong - I'm sure it is within you, for you and your precious baby. You and your baby need to be safe, loved and nurtured - it is clear that he is not the one to offer these things. Both you AND your baby deserve the best in life. Have you given any thought to talking to someone one-on-one about what you are going through? Perhaps a counselor? To be pregnant is more than enough, but to have to deal with all of this on top of your pregnancy is just way too much... Link to comment
southerngirl Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I agree with the others that have suggested that you change your locks. Do not let him in. Matter of fact, if he comes there, do not even open the door. As for him coming to your house to smoke crack.... If he does that, and is in yoru basement smoking crack and getting high you could lose custody of your child forever. Thats a very real risk. The stakes are too high. You MUST put a stop to this. As for moving out and away from there... I think that is a wonderful idea. Link to comment
healthseeker Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 I would start a brand new life and look back at this guy as nothing more than a sperm donor! Hey, maybe that was his purpose in your life...did the psychic mention that? ha In fact, maybe you should tell your daughter someday that you used a sperm donor b/c she will feel shame if she knows her father is tis kinda man. Link to comment
Stella Sleepwalks Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 When she chucks him out, and she will chuck him out eventually, DON'T take him back. I suggest you start legal proceedings to get as much money out of him as possible to support your baby. If he can't pay you support, then get him to sign sole custody of your child over to you. Make sure there is no way he can come back into your life. The only way is UP. There used to be such a sweet guy on this board who split up with his gf and missed his step daughter. He absolutely adored his step-daughter like she was his own, would die for her, anything. You will find someone like this if you believe it enough. This guy doesn't respect women, he isn't even man enough to respect himself. What guy sends his pregnant gf out to work so he can sit on his * * * * all day??? Scum! Lucky escape! Link to comment
skids Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 Wow your situation is incredible, It's a horror story to be exact. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Southern girl is right, you could lose custody of your baby if the authorities find out your allowing crack to be smoked in the house. They would take her away and place her in foster care until she is adopted. In most states if your baby is taken away due to drugs its very difficult to get them back. Don't allow him in the house anymore, please for your baby's sake. Get the heck out of town as quickly as you can, get a lawyer and tag him with as much child support as possible. Make sure you let your attorney know that he is a crack addict. If that can be proven you will not have any trouble getting full custody. Stay strong, you can do this. It's the right thing for you and your baby. You deserve so much more from a relationship. There are guys out there that love kids and would love to have a relationship with a single mother. Take Care! Link to comment
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