Harassed by work colleague

[ginger25]

I recently sent an email challending a work colleague who I have felt harassed by for about 6 months.

 

It all started at the Christmas party, at the time we were friends, went for lunch (not just us with other people too) and I gave him a lift home a few times. At no point did I indicate to him that I wanted anything more than friendship and he is aware that I have a boyfriend. Anyway, after a few drinks I felt that he was bit sleazy and a couple of times during the night he had his hand on my waist and asked to take a photo of me by myself. I stupidly didn't challenge this at the time, partly because I'd had a few drinks and also I was confused because I thought we were friends.

 

However, in the cold light of day this greatly changed my perspective on him and began to feel uncomfortable with things that might not have bothered me up until then. I did everything I could to distance myself from him, stopping lunches, not giving him a lift home, not initiating conversations with him at work, all of which I thought would be subtle hints to him that his behaviour wasn't acceptable. How wrong was I! Since then he has: often waited until I am going to make coffee and follow me into the kitchen to talk to me whenever he can/gone home at the same time as me; sometimes said inappropriate comments such as "you look nice today", and the most annoying thing, because we have this in common, he asks if I am going to the gym/went to the gym last night, EVERY SINGLE DAY! I realise this is to initiate conversation so try to only give him one word answers but this doesn't stop him asking more trivial questions. Other people have noticed this and commented on how out of line he is.

 

Well it sounds pretty harmless but after being asked this for the millionth time this week I decided I needed to do something and sent him an email explaining how his behaviour at the xmas party (even tho it was a while ago!) made me feel uncomfortable and that I now only want to talk to him about work, nothing else. He sent me a very apologetic email but was also trying to defend himself by saying he was drunk at xmas, would never knowingly offend someone, and that he wants to talk to me face to face about it, which I have firmly said no to.

 

It's only been a couple of days so hopefully things will settle down, but because we work in the same office the atmosphere is almost unbearable for me. I actually feel like he thinks I am in the wrong because he is still so unaware of his own behaviour. He is a bit of a loner and no one really knows that much about him, which only adds to my uneasiness.

 

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation to this, and how did you deal with it?

 

Thanks

[deleted-account]

I can't say I have experience with this, but you seem to be doing the right thing. Your next move will depend on how he reacts to all of this. What he feels/thinks doesn't really matter as long as he follows your wishes of only talking about work issues.

[Seraphim]

Think you did the right thing, you asked him to stop. If he continues then you should make a complaint to HR.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I had an office stalker and the only way to deal with it is to be straightforward.

 

Some people don't get social cues, and mistake friendliness with encouragement. So if they keep pushing you and don't 'get' that you're not interested, you need to do what you did, which is directly tell them you're not interested.

 

If he is a socially inept person who didn't know better, he'll feel horrified, but leave you alone from now on. If he's a true stalker, that won't stop him.

 

Now that you've told him you're not interested, just cut off all contact with him and avoid him as best as possible at work, only have the bare minimum of work related conversation as necessary.

 

If he doesn't take the hint, the next step would be to talk to your boss and tell them of your problem, and let them take it from there. I eventually had to talk to HR at my company, and practiced strict avoidance. If i saw him heading down the hall, i'd turn and walk the other way, and very openly show by my actions that i had no intention of talking to him or interacting with him.

 

He got the point finally when his job was on the line and stopped.

[yellow_sweater]

Great advice. One thing to add--be sure to have a candid talk with your HR Manager, now, so s/he understands what's going on. You don't want this character to start spreading rumors about you or something. HR is there to protect you and to make sure you are comfortable in your environment. If he doesn't take you seriously, then HR will step in to make sure he understands.

[avman]

You did the exact right thing. Be direct, tell them the behavior needs to stop and it is unwelcome, and then limit contact only to work related items. Don't feel at all bad about it. How he deals with it is not your problem. As long as the contact stops that's all you need to worry about.

[jettison]

I'm not saying that all this isn't great advice, but I haven't really seen the predatory nature of this co-worker via this post.

 

The summation:

 

- He was your friend, and you talked and gave each other rides.

- He tried to take it past friendship a bit at a Christmas party while drunk, and it made you uncomfortable.

- For this reason you dumped him completely as a friend.

- Since this happened, he's been attempting to refriend, and he says things like "How was the gym?" and "You look nice today!"

 

Hmmmm... not exactly capitol offenses. Why not just chalk it up to some guy hit on you, you weren't interested, so rather then treat him like a pariah, just treat him like a human being with whom you're not interested in a romantic encounter.

 

Look at it this way - if you were friends with some guy that you thought might like you, but you're not sure, and you decide to make a subtle move on him, but it doesn't work, how would you want him to treat you after the fact? If he suddenly looked at you as the house lepper, completely ignored you, gave you the biggest cold shoulder of your life then wouldn't you want to say "Now wait a second... I'm just some person who liked you a little bit. No harm done. No need to be mean toward me or treat me like a non-person now."

 

Is there more to the stalker angle of this that you just haven't presented yet besides the "How was the gym" and "you look nice"? Are you sure that you haven't overreacted just a bit. I mean, even when he hit on you, all he did was to ask to take your picture, and you even obliged? I just don't get it. If you're an attractive lady, and I'll assume that you are, aren't you kind of used to guys occasionally coming on to you, and similarly used to having to tell them "no thanks bub"?

[jettison]

Great advice. One thing to add--be sure to have a candid talk with your HR Manager, now, so s/he understands what's going on. You don't want this character to start spreading rumors about you or something. HR is there to protect you and to make sure you are comfortable in your environment. If he doesn't take you seriously, then HR will step in to make sure he understands.

 

What would she tell HR?

 

"This man, this evil man... he asked to take a picture of me once while drunk at a party. Oh, also, he asks me how the gym was." What is HR going to nab him for? Even being so bold as to say "You look nice" isn't exactly sleazy. "You're one hot mama" is another story though.

[avman]

I think it's a little early to involve management or human resources. That's the next step if unwanted contact doesn't stop. First step should always be to tell the person you don't want the contact.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, first step is to draw a firm line and say leave me alone.

 

Then if he doesn't respect that (or tells stories), then you go to HR. Save that email you sent him and his response, and if he tries to tell stories after the fact, you have proof of what started it all. You may never have to go to HR.

 

If he's a normal guy, and she's made it clear now, he won't approach her so there will be no problems. His ego may sting a little, but it is better for him to know he is wasting his time and to move on. If he's a stalker, she has to immediately nip this in the bud because stalkers usually escalate if there is any contact encourage to their fantasies.

 

But Jettison, if he IS a stalker, you MUST treat him like a non-person and cut off ALL contact. It is the only thing that works, and what experts in stalking tell you to do. So you can't consider his 'feelings' if he is crossing that line, because he certainly isn't considering your feelings and is forcing himself on you. Until you've had your own stalker, people don't get how uncontrollable and terrifying they are and they don't deserve any kindness as that only encourages them.

 

There is a good book on dealing with stalkers called 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin DeBecker, which is a security expert.

[jettison]

But Jettison, if he IS a stalker, you MUST treat him like a non-person and cut off ALL contact. It is the only thing that works, and what experts in stalking tell you to do. So you can't consider his 'feelings' if he is crossing that line, because he certainly isn't considering your feelings and is forcing himself on you. Until you've had your own stalker, people don't get how uncontrollable and terrifying they are and they don't deserve any kindness as that only encourages them.

 

But BSBH, how is asking a co-worker "How was the gym" every day, and occasionally saying "You look nice" equated with "stalker"? I still don't see it. I see someone who freaked the hell out because some guy she doesn't fancy put a move on her, and she rebuffed it. Since that time, his interactions have been friendly, not stalkerish. She JUST NOW writes him a letter after all this time (I'm assuming the Christmas party took place in December of course) explaining that she's uncomfortable with him even being friendly and nice toward her. His reaction? He wants a chance to defend himself. Who wouldn't?

 

In this To-Catch-A-Predator society we live in these days, sometimes it's best to consider the location of the baby before dispensing with the bathwater. She still hasn't said a single thing that's convinced me that he is said "stalker". And beyond that, I'm guessing that he just gives up talking to her all together. Perhaps in his mind, it's a different story. Perhaps he has told some group on the internet the following:

 

"So, I liked this woman at work. She was always really friendly with me, asked me out to lunch, gave me rides. She was really attractive. At our Christmas party, she was LOOKING really good, and I thought it would be cool and flirty if I just asked her for a picture. She obliged. Cool. Did I tell you that she was cute? Soooo cute.

 

Anyway, I noticed that something was weird with her a few weeks later. The lunch invites stopped coming suddenly. No more rides. No more chatting me up by the watercooler. * * * ? I don't get it. I guess I figured that maybe there was something amiss with her home life, or maybe she was just depressed? Heck, I don't know. I just know that she's really sweet, and I like her, and I hate seeing her that way. She's just so closed off all of a sudden.

 

So, when I see her I am still really nice to her. I ask her how her night went, and even said she looked nice the other day, just thinking it would make her feel good to hear the compliment. Nope. Nothing. She just gave me a weird look and walked away.

 

So here's the kicker.... after 7 months, I get this email from her. She tells me that she feels really uncomfortable with her because I took her picture at a Christmas party 7 months ago! What? I barely even remember that. I was drunk. I just don't get it. And apparently that's been what this whole thing has been about the whole time, and I had no idea.

 

So anyway, I was shocked. I responded to the email by just asking if I could talk to her to assure her that I'm on the up and up, that I had no idea how she felt, and that I'm really sorry I turned her off so much. But she'll have none of it. It's making me feel like some total creep, when all I was was nice to her. Do you understand this?"

 

 

There are two sides to every story. We don't know his, and the OP doesn't know his either because she's not brave enough to ask. She's only brave enough to villify him, label him a creep/stalker, and consider a restraining order.

 

There's an unwritten policy on ENA whereby our assumption is always that the person who seeks out ENA and asks for help is right, and that the person that they are distressed with/by is wrong. If this man had come on ENA, and then presented a side of the story similar to what I posted, other posters would be coming to his aide, not understanding her side of the story, and likely villifying her for no reason.

 

Why must there always be a villian when most of the time what we have is a failure to communicate and a lack of understanding?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You didn't read my whole post. I didn't say he was a villain. I said that first she should tell him she's not interested (which she did). If he's a normal guy, he'll be embarrassed but back off and problem solved.

 

THEN, if he DOESN'T back off, then he may be a stalker and needs to be dealt with accordingly. So he's only a villain if he doesn't back off and continues to follow her around after she told him to back off.

 

So I made no judgments about him, just what was appropriate for her to do assuming first he is a normal guy, and second if he doesn't respect her wishes and behaves abnormally.

 

Women are taught to be polite at all costs and not to hurt people's feelings, which is why they often end up stalked and/or raped, because they give in in situations where they should be openly being assertive and telling the guy right up front they aren't interested, and not letting anyone bully her (or guilt her) into continued contact when it is not appreciated or appropriate. That is how this OP got in this situation to begin with, and the only way out of it is to assert herself and tell him she's not interested, then if that level of assertion doesn't get him to back out, go to the next level and talk to HR.

 

So my objection was to you telling her she had to be 'nice' to the poor guy, or to insinuate she doesn't have the right to outright reject any advances she doesn't consider appropriate, which she does. She's not 'mean' because she tells the guy to go away in no uncertain terms, she's asserting her rights to be left alone at work. Being gentle is not an appropriate strategy if the guy is making her feel uncomfortable. The appropriate strategy is to tell him she is not interested (and to please back off), then IF he keeps stalking her after she has told him to go away, haul out the big guns and go to HR.

[jettison]

We completely agree that she wasn't assertive enough in the beginning. That's the root of an entire problem. If some guy hitting on you makes you so uncomfortable that you're forced to seek outside help then it may be a sign that you need to change a social pattern that you've developed.

 

She sent an email 7 months after a questionable move at a Christmas party. That's a lot to keep inside for so long. So many of the problems that developed could have been avoided.

 

So my objection was to you telling her she had to be 'nice' to the poor guy, or to insinuate she doesn't have the right to outright reject any advances she doesn't consider appropriate, which she does. Being gentle is not an appropriate strategy if the guy is making her feel uncomfortable. The appropriate strategy is to tell him she is not interested (and to please back off), then IF he keeps stalking her after she has told him to go away, haul out the big guns and go to HR.

 

I didn't tell her that she had to be nice to him. I did suggest that she be civil to him until that point comes when he proves to her that he no longer deserves her civility. And I certainly never insuated, as you just said, that she doesn't have a right to reject him. To the contrary, I tend to preach to women that they should outright reject men that they don't fancy, and also not to feel bad about it (see: every other post I've ever written on the subject).

 

As for the HR thing, sure, but we're getting way ahead of ourselves. Why not say, "If upon hearing the news, he in turn stabs you with a dinner fork, definitely go to the cops and file/press charges." The natural order/step of things isn't that he's suddenly going to become a stalker now simply because he's still been asking her how her gym experience has been 7 months later.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I agree with you up until this point: 'Why not say, "If upon hearing the news, he in turn stabs you with a dinner fork, definitely go to the cops and file/press charges."'

 

On that point, no. Experts in stalking say the mistake is WAITING until that point to do something. Waiting until he reveals himself violent is the exact wrong thing to do. You need to stamp out the fire when its an ember, not a raging inferno. So you need to do what she did, which is a very hard rejection up front so that there is no misunderstanding that the attention is not warranted.

 

Then anytime after that point she has to have a take no prisoners approach with the guy so that he understands he can't bully or demand her time or attention if she doesn't want to give it. Going to HR is the appropriate thing to do, becuase stalkers feed on any kind of contact with her, even negative contact, so someone else has to tell him to back off if she's already done that and he isn't listening.

 

There are laws that support this approach, which is that the workplace needs to be a place where people are free to work and not be harassed in any way, a non-hostile workplace. So if she has warned him off, and if he crosses that line again, she has a perfect right to go to HR, and should if he doesn't leave her alone. The longer she lets the behavior go on, the worse it will get if the guy really is a stalker.

 

If he's a normal guy trying to flirt with her, then he'll back off now and no problems.

[jettison]

I agree with you up until this point: 'Why not say, "If upon hearing the news, he in turn stabs you with a dinner fork, definitely go to the cops and file/press charges."'

 

So by your logic, why ever wait? Guy says, "You look nice". Go to the cops, file a report! We're talking nuance here when it comes to the opposite sex. The nuances in this case, from what the OP has presented, do not warrant HR's consideration. Again though, this is merely my take based on very limited information that she's presented.

 

On that point, no. Experts in stalking say the mistake is WAITING until that point to do something. Waiting until he reveals himself violent is the exact wrong thing to do. You need to stamp out the fire when its an ember, not a raging inferno. So you need to do what she did, which is a very hard rejection up front so that there is no misunderstanding that the attention is not warranted.

 

If there were an actual "fire" here, as you say, and not just a spark in some guy's eye for a co-worker, then you'd completely have something here. It would be wrong to wait too long to report someone who has been highly inappropriate toward you at work. But again, what's so inappropriate about the quotes we've been presented?

 

Then anytime after that point she has to have a take no prisoners approach with the guy so that he understands he can't bully or demand her time or attention if she doesn't want to give it.

 

Ok, and when has he even hinted at bullying her? That's quite a leap of faith from "How was the gym?"

 

Going to HR is the appropriate thing to do, becuase stalkers feed on any kind of contact with her, even negative contact, so someone else has to tell him to back off if she's already done that and he isn't listening.

 

There. You've done it right there. This paragraph tells you all you need to know. You've just labeled the man in the OPs post a "stalker". Once you have him set as such in your mind, then all reason goes straight out the window.

 

Anyone can play this game. If an attractive woman tells anyone who will listen "that guy is a stalker, don't trust him" then what now of his reputation? It's shot. No judge and jury. OF COURSE everyone will believe him to be just that. Evidence? Who the hell needs it? He is a S-T-A-L-K-E-R afterall. Didn't I see that guy on America's Most Wanted last Wednesday night? I'm pretty sure that was him. Either way, he's shifty. I just don't trust that guy. Eveyone knows that he's a stalker. Afterall, someone said the words. That makes them true. In turn, that makes him a dangerous person, not to be toyed or played with.

 

There are laws that support this approach, which is that the workplace needs to be a place where people are free to work and not be harassed in any way, a non-hostile workplace. So if she has warned him off, and if he crosses that line again, she has a perfect right to go to HR, and should if he doesn't leave her alone. The longer she lets the behavior go on, the worse it will get if the guy really is a stalker.

 

She has made her side clear to this man exactly one time. Apparently, by her own ommission, before the fateful interaction he was a "friend". He has not, at least to my knowledge, since stepped over that line post email and then acted inappropriately. That's something that a stalker might do. If it turns out that her intuition about this guy is right, that he can't take this first, unequivocal "no" for an answer, then certainly everyone and anyone would be crazy not to report him.

 

If he's a normal guy trying to flirt with her, then he'll back off now and no problems.

 

Agreed. So why throw out the term "stalker" before such a label has been warranted?

[ginger25]

Ok, thanks to the people who have posted supportive and helpful comments.

 

To the rest of you, I sincerely hope you don't come up against such rudeness and arrogance in answer to your problems. It's one thing to give constructive advice and another to personally attack someone who you know nothing about. Find another outlet for your opinions.

 

Needless to say I won't make the mistake of using this "advice" site again!!

[ginger25]

And for the record, I didn't mention stalking:

 

Personal Harassment is defined as any behaviour which is unacceptable to the recipient and which creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive environment for employment, study or social life. Although harassment is often thought of as an overt use of power, it can also appear in more subtle guises.

[jettison]

Ok, thanks to the people who have posted supportive and helpful comments.

 

To the rest of you, I sincerely hope you don't come up against such rudeness and arrogance in answer to your problems. It's one thing to give constructive advice and another to personally attack someone who you know nothing about. Find another outlet for your opinions.

 

Needless to say I won't make the mistake of using this "advice" site again!!

 

Since I'm assuming that that's directed at me (I am the only one that has questioned your judgement), please explain to me what about my comments were inappropriate, rude, or jsut plain incorrect? You have just called me "rude" and "arrogant" so it would be nice to understand where that comes from in your mind. No, you did not call this person a "stalker". Others brought up that phrase. My comments, in turn, were directed at them.

 

 

Respectfully,

Jetts

[avman]

Needless to say I won't make the mistake of using this "advice" site again!!

 

Not everybody is going to be a stellar advice giver ginger25. You take the good with the not so good and hopefully you can get enough information to make the best decision you can.

[jettison]

Not everybody is going to be a stellar advice giver ginger25. You take the good with the not so good and hopefully you can get enough information to make the best decision you can.

 

Amen. I'm certainly one who doesn't always give great advice. But at least I'm always honest about what I think, and some people click with that. I really hope that you weren't offended by anything I offered. I was phishing for more from you. Something like, "Ok, but I didn't mention the time where he stared at me for 3 straight minutes with his mouth agape and slober running down his cheek while I was trying to complete some expense reports. It was creepy." Really, I was just looking for more creep factor.

[CaptainPlanet]

You should listen to what Jettison is saying he is very wise I always thought he posted here to make jokes but his advice in this thread is some of the most sound and logical I have ever read on this forum

 

You should listen to him and not blow this any more out of proportion. There are always two sides to every story and when dealing with a person you should try to look at it from their perspective too.