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Life is good, but I don't want sex???

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Hi all,


My wife and I are approaching our 10 year anniversary and we are doing well in our life overall. Within the last few months I have quite abruptly stopped wanting sex or any kind of physical interaction with my wife and I cannot for the life of me work out why.


I have suffered from depression on and off for the last 10 years or more and have had varying success with different meds although they all turned down my libido. I have been off any meds for a long time and was doing ok, even in my dark patches my sex drive was still fine.


Around the same time I have been feeling this way I also made some healthy life changes, taking regular exercise in the form of surfing, changing my diet to mainly whole-foods, cutting down on alcohol, caffeine and sugars - physically I am feeling fantastic and I'm pretty pleased at what I'm seeing in the mirror these days - getting back a 6-pack at 36 years old is very nice

I only work 3 days a week, make great money and live in Southern California where i get plenty of sunshine and outdoor time.


Mentally I feel pretty good, in the last few weeks I have started taking a daily dose of 5-HTP and a good omega fish oil for mood and that is helping nicely too, it even managed to kick my libido up a little for a few days but then back to this odd funk.


My wife is being supportive and not pushing too much, but today she did come to me and ask that I start to think about why this could be as I think the lack of intimacy is starting to bleed out of the bedroom and into our everyday.


I'm worried that I'm starting to lose my physical attraction to my wife. She's got a fantastic figure at 31 years old, better than most 21 year olds, but we all get a little less toned as we get older. Living in S. California the beaches and boardwalks are littered with buff beautiful bodies and I see plenty of them when I'm on my morning surf trips. I'm worried that I'm comparing my wife to every bronzed shapely 18 year old runner that goes skipping by and becoming less attracted to her because of it.



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If I were your wife I would get out of this relationship immediately and not waste another minute, unless she can live with a loveless marriage and doesn't mind what it will do to her self esteem. Yikes, I wasted years in a situation like this and now I am in a hell of a situation. At least you are honest about it and are looking for help. That shows you care.


Well I'd hardly go as far as to say we have a loveless relationship just becuse I'm not twitching for sex. And it's not as if I'm choosing not to want sex with her, in fact I'm not interested in sex with anyone to be honest.


Another huge factor that I guess may be weighing in heavily is the fact that we have been trying for children for over 4 years and due to ovarian complications we haven't been able to conceive. That has made things very difficult for us but we like to think that we are fighting through it together.

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Don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps you might consider seeing a shrink?.


Good idea. Although I am not married (talking like a catholic priest) every relationship could do with a touch up. I am not religeous (in fact I dont trust them) but all the religeons offer some of marriage counselling and professional one exist.


Your reproductive issues is probably the issue.

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I'm curious by the passive/unknowing way you describe the problem. You surely know whether or not you're still physically attracted to your wife? Whether or not you get turned on by her sometimes? Whether or not you think about her in that way regularly throughout the day? Only you know the answers to these, and you *do* know these answers, even if they don't immediately come to mind.


The other point is that, while physical attraction is important (mostly in the sense that lack of physical attraction exerts a veto over a physical relationship), sexual desire for a romantic partner is much derived from emotional sources; your partner may not have the same youthful body as the 18-yr old runners, but you could still have the same desire to see her have an orgasm, share an intimate experience that she shares only with you, to enjoy the closeness the sex between romantic partners typically brings. It is *these* things that you are currently turning away, under the guise of lack of physical interest, and you need to ask yourself what you honestly emotionally feel towards your wife now. Close friendship?

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I think the lifestyle changes are causing the problems. I would try making changes one at a time and see what happens. For example, give up the 5-HTP for a couple of weeks and see if your sex drive comes back. If not, try drinking caffine for a couple of weeks. Just keep trying stuff until you figure it out.


I'm sure sex is still important to your wife. You should try to please her even if you don't feel like it.

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First thing is to go see your doctor and get a complete physical and blood work up. They need to check your hormone levels and everything. I don't think you should be thinking the grass is greener crap yet. It is very good that you are thinking about this stuff and not acting on some impulse to make yourself feel better or younger. There are tons of things you and your wife can do to spice things up and get your motor going again. Toys, games, outfits, surprises....just google it. Talk to your wife and make sure she knows how beautiful and sexy she is because if she starts thinking you don't think of her that way it will make this that much harder to straighten out (no puns intended)

Good luck.



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Another huge factor that I guess may be weighing in heavily is the fact that we have been trying for children for over 4 years and due to ovarian complications we haven't been able to conceive. That has made things very difficult for us but we like to think that we are fighting through it together.


This could have everything to do with it. I imagine a natural sex drive is not helped by problems relating to trying to conceive, this can be a frustrating process. If you have to have sex when she's at her most fertile stage, sex can easily feel like a chore.


There will always be young girls around that have young and attractive bodies, I think you'd have to be made of stone not to notice them. It's natural. Your love for your wife is not about not noticing other women, it's about being with her and choosing a life with her (to the exclusion of others). I think it' also quite common to start noticing others when things are not easy with the partner, that's the effect of 'greener grass', lol.


Maybe it would help you guys to have sex in other places than the normal place (assuming this is the bedroom). Do you have more lusty feelings when you are on vacation with her, for instance?

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