Suzanne1281 Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 I knew it would be inevitable I'd have to see him at some point. We have mutual friends. I just didn't think I'd have to see him so soon after he left me for his ex (please read my other threads to read the whole drama--he lied a lot, tried to keep both of us, kept swinging back and forth). I ignored him and he could barely make eye contact with me either. At first it was horrible, I was shaking, my friends asked me why I looked sad, got quiet...but my friends were great and I had fun with them. After everything he put me through, it was alright to just ignore him, right? Also, when he asked me how I was doing I said "Okay...I'm day to day right now.." That was ok to say right? I didn't have to tell him I'm a mess sometimes, right? And one of our friends asked him what was wrong and he said "I'm sad--I just had all these thoughts come into my head right now.." I wonder what he was sad about--guilt, regret, unhappy with the decision he made? Im comforted that I heard that because if he was super happy with this girl he left me for, he wouldn't be telling his friends he was sad. One of our mutual friends who is very flirty by nature (and doens't know my and the ex's situation) was flirting with me all night as well. I wasn't pushing him away, but I wasn't all over him or anything. I know you're not supposed to flirt with your ex's friends, but it was mainly on his part. That's ok, right? At the end of the night, we were all leaving and the ex stayed behind, by himself, sitting at the bar. We were all outside waiting for our smoker friends to finish their cigarettes-I looked inside and he was sitting at the bar by himself with his head in his hands. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel guilty about this, but I was smiling inside knowing he's not happy. Anyway, was it the right thing to do to just ignore and not try and reach out to him in any way? I'm not a cold person and hate thinking that I came off as cold to him...but everytime I got sad and wished we were talking, I reminded myself of all the crap he put me through and how he made me feel and it was easier to just talk to my other friends. When we finally were leaving, he looked outside at us and I didn't even look at him-just walked away. Furthermore, I have another question, but will just write it in this post: he's been broken up and back together with this girl at least 3 times now. How is it going to work between them if it didn't work the first 3 times? Does that ever happen? Link to comment
dream83 Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 You did the right thing (except telling him that you're miserable sometimes). And why should you feel guilty? He put himself in this position. If you don't stand up for you who will? You owe this man nothing. He hurt you. He couldn't show you the consideration of breaking things off with you before going back to this other woman. Why should you feel guilty that he's sad? And as for whether or not he and the ex will last, that's none of your concern. Stop worrying about it. You'll make yourself crazy otherwise. And besides, even if he tries to come crawling back to you, he likely won't really be done with her. This guy has treated your feelings and body like trash and proven himself to be scum. You'd be better off if you were to set your sights elsewhere and cut him out of your thoughts. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 Well that's the 50million dollar question isn't it? I suppose if we all knew we wouldn't be here. I feel for you. I'm in the same boat... my ex is all into this girl he hasn't seen in about 15+ years and she has managed to stand him up 3 times so far and here he is waiting for her to arrive a 4th time in just two weeks from now.... will she show? YUCK! Link to comment
evice Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 We are all human and enjoying unhappiness of someone who hurt us is completely natural. We all do it once in a while. I don't see that you were wrong about not talking to him. If it made you feel as bad as it clearly did, you shouldn't put yourself into a situation in which you'd feel even worse. As to your final question... In my experience, if it didn't work the first 3 times, it's doomed to fail. Link to comment
Suzanne1281 Posted July 4, 2008 Author Share Posted July 4, 2008 You did the right thing (except telling him that you're miserable sometimes). And why should you feel guilty? He put himself in this position. If you don't stand up for you who will? You owe this man nothing. He hurt you. He couldn't show you the consideration of breaking things off with you before going back to this other woman. Why should you feel guilty that he's sad? And as for whether or not he and the ex will last, that's none of your concern. Stop worrying about it. You'll make yourself crazy otherwise. And besides, even if he tries to come crawling back to you, he likely won't really be done with her. This guy has treated your feelings and body like trash and proven himself to be scum. You'd be better off if you were to set your sights elsewhere and cut him out of your thoughts. I know that's what I've been telling myself anyway--for some reason I go through moments where I just need to hear it from somebody else. This is basically only the second time I've really stood up for myself to him in this situation and I feel a little more empowered everytime. I didn't tell him I was miserable at all--just that I'm taking things day to day meaning I'm healing. It's becoming easier and easier, little by little. I now realize last night went very well. Link to comment
Suzanne1281 Posted July 4, 2008 Author Share Posted July 4, 2008 We are all human and enjoying unhappiness of someone who hurt us is completely natural. We all do it once in a while. I don't see that you were wrong about not talking to him. If it made you feel as bad as it clearly did, you shouldn't put yourself into a situation in which you'd feel even worse. As to your final question... In my experience, if it didn't work the first 3 times, it's doomed to fail. I didn't put myself in that situation, unfortunately. I had no idea he was going to show up though I knew it was going to happen at some point as we have the same friends and his friends aren't going to ditch him nor do I want them to. I told my roommate right before we went out that I'd like to avoid him for a few months so if we know he'll be out, I wont go...then he came out right after that lol. Thank you for your insight Link to comment
Ocean of Blue Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 WRONG THING TO DO. I just got dumped by a girl at work. She found another guy. When I saw her next I smiled and said: Hi Caprice, you look nice and just kept walking. Never let them know that they got to you. What you did shows that he had an effect on you. Link to comment
Suzanne1281 Posted July 4, 2008 Author Share Posted July 4, 2008 WRONG THING TO DO. I just got dumped by a girl at work. She found another guy. When I saw her next I smiled and said: Hi Caprice, you look nice and just kept walking. Never let them know that they got to you. What you did shows that he had an effect on you. Ignoring him was wrong or telling him I'm taking it day by day was wrong? I think it's ok to show I'm angry as this just happened last week. I didn't cry to him, initiate any type of conversation with him or anything: when he said hi I said hi back and when he asked me how i was doing I said what I said. When I was leaving he said bye and I said bye back. Hopefully I covered it up by laughing and having a great time with my friends and leaving with them while leaving him there. Link to comment
Ocean of Blue Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 Anytime an ex asks you how you are dont tell them I'm taking it day by day. Tell them I am doing better than ever. Life is wonderful ! It works for me. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 I think you did the right thing. Hindsite is 20/20... Link to comment
evice Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 I am sorry I did not clarify what I was referring to by "putting yourself in that situation". What I was responding to is the following: "Anyway, was it the right thing to do to just ignore and not try and reach out to him in any way? I'm not a cold person and hate thinking that I came off as cold to him...but everytime I got sad and wished we were talking, I reminded myself of all the crap he put me through and how he made me feel and it was easier to just talk to my other friends" If talking to him is that painful, than avoiding him does not make you cold or unfeeling. You are only protecting yourself. Sorry for misunderstanding. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 You absolutely did the right thing. He made the choice to dump you, let him live with the consequences. I think you came out the better person in this situation. Take care... Link to comment
Suzanne1281 Posted July 4, 2008 Author Share Posted July 4, 2008 Anytime an ex asks you how you are dont tell them I'm taking it day by day. Tell them I am doing better than ever. Life is wonderful ! It works for me. Thanks--I will take that advice to heart. I at least showed that I am doing better as I didn't act sad around him, but had a good time with my friends and was making plans with them in front of him, etc. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 Thanks--I will take that advice to heart. I at least showed that I am doing better as I didn't act sad around him, but had a good time with my friends and was making plans with them in front of him, etc. I think you did a good job. Like I said...you were caught off guard and hindsite is 20/20. You behaved accordingly given the cirumstances. My best, Allie Link to comment
deang Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 under the circumstances I think you did fine...if you faked being ok about everything there's a good chance he'd know you aren't genuine. You held together as well as could be expected and I think you did very well...I probably would've freaked out and went home lol. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 Suzanne, There is no right or wrong when these thing come up. I think you did what felt right to you at the time and it sounds like you have no regrets. That is a good thing. This is not a competion to see who feels worse or better everytime you see each other, it is about you healing and putting the past behind you, nothing more nothing less. You are not responsible for him or to him anymore so what he feels or doesn't feel really shouldn't be your concern. He has alot of issues himself before he has any chance at happiness so just worry about your happiness and let him lay in the bed he made. I am glad to hear your friends were there for you and that you had fun. Leave all the stuff about him out and it sounds like you had a great time. That is what is important. If you see him again just be honest with yourself and don't put yourself in a position where you might have to lie if you speak to him. You are doing wonderfully as far as I can see. lost Link to comment
ghostgirl116 Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 girrrrl! you are so my hero! he sounds like he has a lot of growing to do!! Link to comment
Suzanne1281 Posted July 5, 2008 Author Share Posted July 5, 2008 Thank you, lost! I think I am really progressing in the healing department. I still have some dips--my roommate mentioned him tonight at a 4th of July party and I got pretty quiet for a while b/c it upsets me to hear about him. I have to leave the "competition" mentality behind I think. For example, we had informal plans with some mutual friends tonight which got changed due to going to another party. The mutual friends went and hung out with him and I got upset about it--which was stupid. Anyway, it turns out it worked out for the best--I met a cool guy at the party I was at and now I have a date Sunday night!!...isn't it funny the way things work out? Link to comment
ccali78 Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 Good for you ignoring him. That must have been hard. Just continue to remember what he did to you. And next time (should there be a next time)... Tell him you are getting on quite fine. It will make him feel worse to know that he lost you and you are not pining over him. Trust me... Also as for will the ex him work out who knows. If they have both taken time to change what was broken to begin with maybe, and if not probably not as old problems will arise if no change is made Link to comment
Suzanne1281 Posted July 5, 2008 Author Share Posted July 5, 2008 And next time (should there be a next time)... Tell him you are getting on quite fine. It will make him feel worse to know that he lost you and you are not pining over him. Trust me... It's not even a case of wanting to make him feel worse now (though I still felt relieved to see he's not happy...so bad). I just don't want to feel worse. I feel like that's progression in itself: focusing more on how I feel, than on what he's doing/feeling. It's just the mutual friends thing that's so hard. No worries though-I don't think a lot of them even know what he did and he'll be too cowardly to tell them. Actually, his own roommate just emailed me to go to a museum with him tomorrow. And the fact that I met somebody really cool last night lessened it a little bit more. I feel like moving on is definitely a possibility now and it may even get to a point that when I do see the ex out, it will barely bother me--because I'll have moved on emotionally and in my life in general. Already the memories I have of us together are starting to stay where they should be: in the past. It's still a process, but I can see it happening. Link to comment
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