Jeremy21 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 So I won't bore everyone with the full story, but there's a girl I've had feelings for since about January now. We had known each other a little bit before that (mutual friend) but it was at that time we started hanging out a lot and it was often just the two of us. As well, for the period of a few months she would often share really personal things about her life (particularly related to eating disorder troubles, which she's dealt with for a few years) that she told me she wasn't sharing with anyone else (I don't know whether that included her ED therapist). Basically, within a rather short period of time we became really close friends. I'm terrible at picking up signals but I realized around that point that she seemed to be somewhat interested in me, and I eventually worked up the courage to ask her about it and admit I was becoming interested too. The catch? Well, she has a bf, and has for some time. However, she admitted in that conversation that she was in fact interested...she even said, maybe half jokingly, (since we also talked about my own of loneliness for so long) that perhaps I could just wait for her to break up with her BF. My sister, in particular, also really picked up on the "signs" she was giving off and felt pretty strongly from me telling her about it that my friend was probably getting pretty close to breaking up with her BF and going to me, and other people assumed that as well. Never happened. Around late March, she became really distant (not just from me, from all her friends) due largely to her going through some ED treatment again. Somewhere in May she started opening up again and we've hung out a bit and talked more often, though not as much as before. This is someone I have so much in common with and is practically everything I'd want in a relationship. I've found as time has gone on that I've really developed feelings for her and I want almost desperately to be with her. But I'm starting to wonder if I was foolish to let myself get close and I'm feeling more and more heartbroken as her relationship with her BF continues. I can still tell she really cares for me as a friend but I don't know if she still has any romantic interest in me. And it seems like she and her BF really fight a lot and that he isn't very good at being supportive of her with her issues (seriously, he seems to be a massive jerk sometimes), but that's been going on for some time and I'm not sure I see any particular sign of them breaking up, even though I was almost sure of it a few months ago. In a nutshell: is this the kind of thing where I'm just going to have to move on and distance myself if necessary? Or is there maybe some hope that they're going to break up? Is it worth waiting around here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 right when i got to paragraph #2 - my mind went 'ehht, no go.' sorry, but that's just it. do not pursue at all. and yes, distance yourself and your feelings. she needs to deal with her bf and their relationship, not you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sean Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 How long have they been together, because the longer a couple been together, the less likely it'd be that they'll break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rnorth Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Gotta agree with ghost. Sorry man, I know its hard... Believe me, you'll be better off in the long run. Find a great girl and fall in love. You'll move on. Its for the best. Easier said than done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wurth_skidder Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I second that. You can be friends with her, or you can have feelings for her. You can't do both. If you want a friendship, you're going to have to distance yourself until you can come back for the friendship without wanting more. It sounds like you're just interested in her, though, in which case you need to move on and find someone attainable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 if this girl does end up leaving her bf and coming after you, make sure you are ready and SHE is ready. don't just jump into it cause she is single. and put it this way, this amazing girl was your gf, you want some dude or a male friend hitting on her or trying to ween her away from you? i highly doubt it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LE DHUY NHUT Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Mistake Number one...Getting mixed up with a non-single girl,Number 2...being the confidante/therapist/nice guy ...Number 3...You used a word like 'desperately' in your post and most likely she knows that and friendzoned you.I think you should leave this girl alone...plain and simple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackhawk2009 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 i will be honest..i have only seen a situation like this work out once and it wasn't even real. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangesoda Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 nhut is right...welcome to the friendzone. in the future, please don't be the 'nice guy that's always around to hear my problems' if you're interested in a girl. and please go after single women only. taken women are trouble. taken women with drama are even worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkblue Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 She's already cheated on her current boyfriend. What would happen if he found out that you two were going behind his back telling each other you both had feelings for eachother. What you are both doing is selfish, wrong and cowardice. Even if you got into a relationship with this girl, assuming she's not just thrilled by having you 'in waiting', do you actually think it would work? I'm sure you would feel some sort of insecurity knowing how you both met. Distance yourself, immediately. If not for your morals - for your sanity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 In a nutshell: is this the kind of thing where I'm just going to have to move on and distance myself if necessary? Or is there maybe some hope that they're going to break up? Is it worth waiting around here? You already know the mess you're getting yourself into. You need to be strong and back off now. Tell her that you really like her but while she has a boyfriend you can no longer stick around, then tell her that if it doesn't work out between them to give you a call and IF you are still single, you would love to take her out sometime. Anything less than that means that she gets it all, he gets lied to and cheated on and you get a broken heart. Oh and.. Why would she finish it with him when she has the both of you? It's soooo exciting for her (ugh) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeremy21 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 She's already cheated on her current boyfriend. What would happen if he found out that you two were going behind his back telling each other you both had feelings for eachother. What you are both doing is selfish, wrong and cowardice. Even if you got into a relationship with this girl, assuming she's not just thrilled by having you 'in waiting', do you actually think it would work? I'm sure you would feel some sort of insecurity knowing how you both met. To be fair, even just to defend her a bit...while we did have that conversation there wasn't any real "cheating" involved (unless you consider hanging out and talking cheating? Not saying you shouldn't in certain circumstances). We did talk about it that one time, but in that conversation she DID basically turn me down...it was kind of a "I actually do really like you, but I'm still with my BF" kind of thing. I did promise myself from the beginning I wouldn't do anything that I felt was unethical (like if she tried to kiss me or something I would turn her down, as long as she was still with him) but it never became an issue, as such. Not that I particularly care about him at this point...from meeting him and witnessing some of his behavior I really think he's a huge jerk (edited myself to "jerk" from a swear word), and I've suspected before that he may abuse her in certain ways (mentally and possibly physically, based on some verbal threats I witnessed). But she didn't do anything specifically wrong as far as I'm concerned. That said...I think you guys are right, I'll probably have to distance myself. It's really sad because on top of my feelings for her, she is a really good friend and she's helped me a lot before too (it's not just one-sided by any means). But I don't think I can handle having feelings for someone and being their platonic friend anymore. I've gone through it before, sometimes even successfully and managing to remain friends long after the feelings vanished, but it always takes a long time and I don't think I can go through it again right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkblue Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Jeremy, The fact that she said that she liked you too, and that she basically said 'oh I would but I'm still with my boyfriend' - is unethical and wrong. It's classed as emotional cheating. This will break your heart given the chance. So don't give it the chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LE DHUY NHUT Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Jeremy, The fact that she said that she liked you too, and that she basically said 'oh I would but I'm still with my boyfriend' - is unethical and wrong. It's classed as emotional cheating. This will break your heart given the chance. So don't give it the chance. Wow you are extreme,aren't you?But the bottom line is he shouldn't get close to girls he's attracted to who are taken.So many problems would be avoided if guys just do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 It wasn't very sensible, caring or kind of her to tell you that she likes you. I think that is a case of too much honesty. She should have just kept that to herself. What difference does it make if she has a bf and has no desire to leave him? Sounds like she likes the ego boost. Is this someone you really want to be with anyway (regardless of the obvious bf problem)? She's not thinking about you and your feelings. She's telling you she likes you and basically dangling that in front of you and then telling you she does not have any desire to leave her bf for you, putting you in a strange position--do you wait around and hope they break up or do you move on? I mean, to me it's obvious that you should move on, but it's harder to see that when you have feelings for someone so I'm not saying it's the easy thing to do but it is the right thing--and the emotionally safest thing--for you to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkblue Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Wow you are extreme,aren't you?But the bottom line is he shouldn't get close to girls he's attracted to who are taken.So many problems would be avoided if guys just do that. I completely stand by what I said. It is emotional cheating on to female's part. It is unethical. If you were in a relationship and your partner was telling other men how she would rather be with them or that she could be with them 'if only' - you would feel cheated. I understand that it is a frustrating situation to be in, especially when you care deeply about the person involved. But it is such a classic problem which rarely has a happy outcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 I think it's tacky and insensitive to spill your guts about feelings for someone when you can't follow through (and don't plan to do what is needed to follow through, very soon) but I don't think there's any reason to brand it as "emotional cheating" - if there is such a thing as "emotional cheating" then I would hope that simply expressing a feeling to another person isn't automatically cheating. Of course, if the OP dates this woman he needs to understand that if she feels something for someone else she likely will have no filter because she'd rather have the ego boost, the drama etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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