My girlfriend was raped

[metrogirl]

Well she certainly shouldn't be drinking so much that this type of thing happens repeatedly. Why is she drinking so much with other guys? That would be a huge red flag.

[Bunney]

Ok after reading this, I'm not buying it either. I've read a lot of your previous threads about her, and honestly she sounds like complete scum.

 

I'm sure she didn't get "raped", she just cheated on you. But as usual, you're being a doormat and you let her walk all over you being too patient and nice. Stand up for youself just for once, goddamnit.

[iceman85]

How would i go about standing up to her? I already sent her what i posted earlier, what more do i do

[EQD]

How would i go about standing up to her? I already sent her what i posted earlier, what more do i do

 

everything in that letter earlier made you sound like a doormat. read it back to yourself.

[iceman85]

then what do you suggest i do? I am a at a loss right now

[Gracelove]

I think this is so horrible!!!!

 

Your girlfriend is probably going through a lot right now.

 

If you're having doubts about her being raped, I don't think you're relationship will last.

 

I was raped. And although I was single at the time, if my boyfriend (who I got with later) didn't believe I was raped, I would have left him in a heart beat.

 

If your girlfriend was raped she's going to have a horrible road on the way to recovery.

 

Rape is such a horribly, damaging thing. She'll probably become suicidal. The effects of rape are so horrible, it's impossible to articulate.

 

If you don't trust her, I think that speaks volumes about your relationship.

 

A person who lies about rape...has got to be of really low character. There is absolutely no justification for anyone to lie about such a serious thing.

 

Do you really think your girlfriend is capable of such a thing?

 

I know that you mentioned "disgust" as one of the emotions you are feeling. Just don't let her catch onto that, that may be a deal breaker as well.

 

Rape is so horrible, it makes you feel like trash. And for someone you love to think you're disgusting because you were violated........it makes you not trust them or want to be around them.

 

I definitely think it would be a good idea if you offered to take her to the hospital.

 

It can be a really tough thing.

My boyfriend wasn't able to go with me, but he talked to me on the phone, and that was really helpful, I was terrified.

 

The doctor will probably ask her why she wants to be tested for every STD under the sun, my doctor asked.

 

I just hope she's okay, I'm really concerned about her.

 

I was raped over two years ago, and I'm soooooooo grateful 2 years has passed.

The 1st year and a half after my rape was the worst time of my life.

 

And I think it's normal for your girlfriend to feel she's "okay". I thought I was okay, until I had a mental breakdown 2 months later.

 

If you really love her, and you're willing to stand by her, it won't be an easy road for you either.

 

She may become clingy, needy, etc. I was always waking my boyfriend up in the middle of the night because I was having nightmares, so he was always tired. I was always crying.....basically you'll be living with an extremely depressed person. It's rough.

 

But if you stay by her, I think it's awesome, and you should get an award. She'll know you really love her.

[Lucy__lou]

I'm glad to see someone else is defending her because I've read every post on this thread and I don't see where the suspicion is coming from. I haven't read iceman's previous posts about his girlfriend, but nothing on this thread suggests she's lying that she was raped. why would she? her shame may well be over the fact that she let herself be taken advantage of again (a lot of rape victims blame themselves - it's irrational). She may believe it's her fault. She may have become intimate with him, but then he took advantage of her, and of the psychological power he has over her... I'm sure it's complex and confusing in her head. maybe it's not clear cut. But I think you may have made a mistake writing her that letter. If she's been raped, and all you want to talk about is how YOU feel then you're really betraying her at an unimaginably vulnerable and traumatic time. what on earth are the people on this thread doubting her for? what are you all basing it on? I just don't follow. Again, I don't know the full story of your relationship with her, but if you love her, then be there for her, and stop questioning her. If you are thinking about her cheating, and not about the fact that she was violated, then she's probably picking up on it and of course she's not going to open up about it. Maybe if she told you the whole story, she would have to also admit having gotten more intimate with him than you want to hear, and admit that she had feelings for him. Isn't it possible that she did cheat on you a little bit, but then he forced himself on her. And the betrayal is doing her head in and she can't share it with you because she's damaged, but you're going to be upset at her cheating, when that's the last thing she needs when she's just been raped. I'm guessing it's complicated. I think she needs you to love her unconditionally right now.

[solariseclipse]

To me, it sounds like if she won't report it to the police, she must be hiding something. Either the fact is that she didn't get raped, but rather got drunk (nor not) and spent the night with her ex and is now feeling guilty about it so she used the rape story to cover it all up (I mean it makes sense right?). Thats probably the same reason why she keeps telling you to stop pushing the whole thing as well.

 

On the other hand, it could be that she's just really sensitive with the whole subject and ACTUALLY got raped. Note that most rapes DO go unreported because the victim is too traumatized to do it.

 

Now the question is how this is the "third time" it's happened. If there were similar cases which has happened before then that should be a sign she may be cheating on you, but has been effectively covering up.

 

Also, I found it weird why she wanted to meet up with her ex at the fireworks, and not have you there.

[Iceman26]

then what do you suggest i do? I am a at a loss right now

 

I suggest that you move on to someone with less personal issues. I wouldn't question her any further about what has happened.

[rose2summer]

Whether or not she was raped, that's a huge accusation to make against someone and one that I don't think anyone who is psychologically stable would make up.

 

To acuse her of lying, is really going to destroy your relationship.

 

I too was raped. Liking to socialize, I met a guy, he was friendly, he asked me to drinks for fun, and I agreed. He was really drunk, walked me home, and asked to use my bathroom. He raped me. Now would you blame me because I had a drink, it was my fault??

 

I was lost, confused, I called up my friend, crying, he had me call the police. A social worker showed up to the ER immediately, she was amazing, and a NP took evidence. Everyone was really nice to me. Now things just got worse. The police showed up... they were anything but nice, the police told me that since I was a virgin, deep down I wanted to have sex and I had no case. My social worker was great and helped me get in touch with the district attorney in my area, bypassing the police.

 

My rapist was a serial rapist, he raped many women, I even talked to some of them, I was the only women who was wasn't afraid and willing to testify against him though. Imagine leaving this creep to rape other women, no way!

 

I highly recommend going to this site:

link removed

They gave me unlimited free confidential (they don't call your house or send anything to your address) counseling right by my house with a trained rape counselor, 24hr help on the phone anytime I needed them 1-800-656-HOPE.

Rape victims tend to be raped by someone they know or trust (aka like her ex).

I can't even explain how thankful I am to RAINN for their free help, I got my life back on the line, they even walk you to and from your car, when you go to your counseling meetings if you life, so you can feel safe.

Give her this link:

link removed you can search the free counseling centers in your area.

Remember it's important to be supportive to her right now.

Hugs, Rose

[iceman85]

I thank everyone for their help. Its very hard for me to get through.

 

Basically everyone has been telling me that she probably is covering up and just hooked up with him and is trying to not feel like a * * * * .

 

I dont really know, I want to believe her why would she tell me, although now she says shes not sure, shes saying he took advantage but the whole things a blur and its her fault, she was dumb and its a lesson she needs to learn and she doesnt want to call it rape becuase shes unsure.

 

Its hard for me to swallow and im trying my best to let it go, but the feeling of another guy doing that to my girl just kills me, i think she has been pretty consistent with the story although it seems right now shes unsure about certain things, but from what shes told me shes been telling other people seems to be in line with what she told me.

 

I don't want to be a doormat and I dont want to be played here either, but I dont know what to do, I am trying my best to believe her but everyone is telling me that shes covering

[melrich]

but everyone is telling me that shes covering

 

Personally I think her story sounds wonky as you describe it. But you are much closer to things and whilst everyone here has an opinion, you are in the best place to assess what happened.

 

For me, if she was raped then she should report it to the police. If she was raped, how can she expect to live life facing this guy day in and day out? I suspect that in her own mind she may have convinced herself that she was not entirely complicit in having sex with this person but when she deals with the reality she probably realises that it was not rape.

 

It's very tough for you. I think maybe she has opened a can of worms that may have consequences that she did not think about.

[sunset sun rise lover]

im sorry hope shhes ok

[Nixee]

Personally I think her story sounds wonky as you describe it. But you are much closer to things and whilst everyone here has an opinion, you are in the best place to assess what happened.

 

For me, if she was raped then she should report it to the police. If she was raped, how can she expect to live life facing this guy day in and day out? I suspect that in her own mind she may have convinced herself that she was not entirely complicit in having sex with this person but when she deals with the reality she probably realises that it was not rape.

 

It's very tough for you. I think maybe she has opened a can of worms that may have consequences that she did not think about.

 

I certainly cannot judge what happened, but exactly what melrich has said here is what went off in my mind as well when I was reading your posts on the matter.

 

There is a fine line to be drawn sometimes between the traditional definition of "date rape" ... forced sexual encounters... and just feeling somewhat coerced into a regrettable encounter that you feel very ashamed about and even angry over. No doubt if that happens to you that you can feel hurt and confused, both with yourself and the other person involved, though it isn't as cut and dry, because the guy involved here wasn't just some stranger to her.

 

So even if this truly wasn't a case of rape.... that doesn't mean anyone is saying your girlfriend is a liar or a cheater here. It certainly sounds like she is hurting and confused and in need of support and talking to, and that is exactly what you should offer to her, should she choose to accept it.

 

And of course, if she does decide it truly was rape.. that is still her battle to fight, and your role to be supportive.

[ycmanvs]

She needs professional help because she seems to have serious emotional issues. Only by talking to a professional she can sort out what happened and why. You are not her therapist. You are her boyfriend. Be supportive, but take care of yourself too.

[lonelygemini]

I was raped twice. Once when I was single and once when I had a bf (by an ex who was supposed to be protecting me—long story that I’m not getting into it here).

 

If this is the third time she was raped while dating you, then she has some issues with boundaries (among other things) and has a tendency to let her guard down around other men in a way that she wouldn’t towards you.

 

I haven’t read much of your threads, but from what I see in this thread, you might need to let her go. You can support her as a friend or from afar, but until she settles her issues, she wouldn’t make good girlfriend material.

[Bunney]

How would i go about standing up to her? I already sent her what i posted earlier, what more do i do

 

There's only one way you can stand up for yourself. You break UP with her. You've put up with way too much crap from her. Someone who was raped doesn't act the way she does now.

 

I don't think this girl is ever able to be 100% faithful to you and never was, so what you say to her is "Hey girl, I'm sick of you and unless you're going to sort your issues out, I'm never going to talk to you again, bye". - Which basically means you're never gonna to speak to her again!

 

Let some other dude deal with the trouble lol.

[15 Storeys High]

Unless you have been raped you have no idea "how someone acts" when they've been raped. Everyone reacts differently and to be told how you're acting isn't "right" can be destroying.

 

Also, to the person who said that if she doesn't want to go to the police then she probably hasn't been raped...you have absolutely no idea. There are a huge number of emotions that go through a persons head when they've been raped....going to the police isn't a priority for some. They're just struggling to actually make it through the minutes or hours.

 

The way people have spoken on this thread is shocking.

[rose2summer]

Also, to the person who said that if she doesn't want to go to the police then she probably hasn't been raped...you have absolutely no idea. There are a huge number of emotions that go through a persons head when they've been raped....going to the police isn't a priority for some. They're just struggling to actually make it through the minutes or hours.

I agree completely, I was told that most rapes go unreported when I reported mine. For some women, going to the police is humiliating and embarrassing.

[EQD]

how often do first loves who remain friends with their ex's who are infatuated with them still, rape them?

honest to god question. rape is a hateful act, its a power trip.

i think it may have been most likely that she did freeze... or like other females on this thread have expressed they did it willingly and then turned around and called it rape for one reason or another.

[Bunney]

Unless you have been raped you have no idea "how someone acts" when they've been raped. Everyone reacts differently and to be told how you're acting isn't "right" can be destroying.

 

Nope, I have not exactly been raped but something very similar. I also have a couple female friends who have been raped.

 

I am convinced that this girl is lying, considering all the history and the way she's been treating him throughout their relationship. Oh and not to mention, it's not the first time that guys have "taken advantage" of her while she was drunk.

 

She should be getting less drunk and spend more time with her boyfriend it seems.

 

Total nutcase.

[Bunney]

how often do first loves who remain friends with their ex's who are infatuated with them still, rape them?

honest to god question. rape is a hateful act, its a power trip.

i think it may have been most likely that she did freeze... or like other females on this thread have expressed they did it willingly and then turned around and called it rape for one reason or another.

 

I agree...

[Lucy__lou]

She should be getting less drunk and spend more time with her boyfriend it seems.

 

I'm not going to make any more comments on this woman, as it seems I don't know the full story. If she is making it up, then that is absolutely wrong and I would have nothing to do with her.

 

And I apologise if I'm going too much off topic here. But I just would like to say that there is a sad phenomenon in our society of 'blaming the victim.' which points the finger at the woman when she gets raped rather than the rapist. I think that kind of thinking is skewed. What kind of society says that being drunk and trashy should be punished by rape? That's totally skewed. We should direct our anger at any man who takes advantage of another woman sexually. Women should be free to get drunk, to dress how they want, to do what they like and that should not take away their human right to say no when they don't want sex, and have that respected. end of story.

[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh! This is totallllllly true!!!

 

Today at work, a woman walked up to the counter to make a purchase ( I work in a department store).

 

The lady had on short shorts, I see a lot of women wear them.

 

When she walked away my friend said that if a woman dresses like that in Nigeria, they will be raped.

 

She made light of it, and she kept implying that a woman who dresses like that deserves to be raped. Like it's totally natural to be raped for wearing short shorts.

 

One of my male co-workers said to her, "So that justifies a man raping her?"

And my friend just shrugged with a smile, and said it would happen. A man would take a woman aside "real quick", and she even clapped her hands in demonstration.

 

It was kind of sad actually.

 

For someone to think rape is a natural consequence for a woman wearing shorts..............

 

I know rapes are common, but I don't think it's a natural, okay act.

 

Anywho, it's just really weird, but people do blame the victims a lot.

I guess it's easier than blaming the men (who knows why).

 

That's another reason why rape victims keep silent. They don't want to be re-victimized by the harsh or inconsiderate words of others.

 

There is so much badness that comes about from admitting you're a rape victim.

[Bunney]

And I apologise if I'm going too much off topic here. But I just would like to say that there is a sad phenomenon in our society of 'blaming the victim.' which points the finger at the woman when she gets raped rather than the rapist. I think that kind of thinking is skewed. What kind of society says that being drunk and trashy should be punished by rape? That's totally skewed. We should direct our anger at any man who takes advantage of another woman sexually. Women should be free to get drunk, to dress how they want, to do what they like and that should not take away their human right to say no when they don't want sex, and have that respected. end of story.

 

Nah that's not what I was saying. Anyone who really knows me knows how pissed I get when I hear about the woman being punished for having been raped (you hear stories like that almost every day from the middle east Europe), or when someone says that it's her fault cause she dressed a certain way or something.

 

It's just that his gf really seems to have an alcohol problem cause she appearently repeatedly got 'taken advantage of' by guys (that's what she says anyway) and every time I read one of his threads, it's always something to do with her getting drunk. That doesn't sound like someone who is committed to the relationship.