My girlfriend was raped

EQD · June 11, 2008

yes the same ex that started talking to her constantly after breaking up with this girlfriend

does it stretch your imagination to think that maybe it was consensual sex.. she seems to still be in love with him and not want to give him up. Unless i am mistaken she has kept in good contact with him and little things like always checking his relationship status and making rude comments about the people he dates kinda show a little more than 'just being friends'

this was her first love right? does any of this make you raise an eyebrow?

Dagless · June 11, 2008

15 Storeys is exactly right. You cannot go to the police for her... it is HER claim, and hers alone.

Furthermore, I tend to agree with those who are a bit skeptical of her story at this point... the fact that this guy is someone she knows and she chose to have stay (wouldn't ask to leave, chose over you even?)... said she remembered everything, THEN claimed things were blurry... Perhaps she is telling the truth, or perhaps things went to far and she just deeply regrets things, it is hard to say.

Before you start seeking justice, I would recommend trying to be there for her, being very gentle and understanding, and hopefully the two of you can have a heart to heart talk. Do not accuse her of anything, but let her know that she can trust you. It kinda seems like her story isn't entirely straight here.

I agree with everything said here and what Storeys said. You have to be there for her now as love and support. She needs that now more than anything.

iceman85 · June 11, 2008

it is possible that happened, but i mean im inclined to believe her, shes not the type of girl that would throw someone off of them, i believe he pushed the envelope and she didnt know what to do, she told me she repeatedly said it was making her uncomfortable and no she didnt want to and that he said she was making this more difficult on herself.

Her mood has been pretty steady suprisingly i think shes trying to act strong in the face of this, im sure inside she feels shame, guilt and whatever else but to everyone else she seems like shes going about herself normally

EQD · June 11, 2008

i'd call the guy up and ask him why he raped your girlfriend. personally i am not buying it becuase it seems to convienient. they knew eachother, were on more than good terms he was her first love that she cant let go even though she is with you, and you two just had a big fall out last week.... and now she is acting normal like nothing ever happened....

JMonkey · June 11, 2008

Completely agree with EQUESTRIANDYNAMO. Honestly, everything you've said sounds exactly like the situation I was in. Finally I found out the truth.

Horribly, in a way at the time I wanted to believe she had been raped. If it was concentual sex then my pride would have been destroyed as well as my heart. I had far less to lose if what she said was true. I guess because of this I shut out all my friends saying to me the obvious, she had cheated on me.

charliebrown · June 11, 2008

i too think this sounds a little suspicious with all the history involved.

i'll offer the only advice i can on this topic - one time i had a friend over who i was attracted to and sort of knew that something might happen between the two of us (even though i was in a long term relationship at the time). one thing led to another, we didn't have sex but did everything else... and then the guilt settled in and i told the guy to leave.

after i was so plagued by guilt that i called my boyfriend and told him the guy forced himself on me. couldn't i have just never mentioned the incident at all? why did i lie and say he came onto me? my boyfriend wanted me to press for some kind of restraint against the kid, i half-heartedly told him i would... your GFs response sounds strangely similar to the way i felt after that scenario.

rape is a tough word to throw around, but i can't say i am not guilty of doing it in the past.

just be careful, i would say confront the guy she was with and get both sides of the story.

iceman85 · June 11, 2008

I pushed her a little more on it and she said she didnt just hook up with him, so i mean that didnt clear it up, she seems pretty angry at me right now for asking but i needed a clearer picture, and unfourtanatley im not getting that

ImThatGirl · June 11, 2008

Thing is, I don't think it's an issue you can really push. Let's assume it's like Charliebrowns experience above.

You continuously ask her about it and she's going to call you out because you question her or didn't believe her. She's most likely not going to change her story because you question her. By giving her recollection of events as is and then saying she just doesn't want to talk about it (because it's upsetting,) she's basically paved her way to having an excuse of never discussing it with you.

So point being - you'll have to either accept it for whatever it was (and give her the benefit of doubt,) or you run a huge risk of her blaming you for pushing her away (if you ask any questions.)

ImThatGirl · June 11, 2008

You haven't mentioned though - has she continued to talk to this guy this week?

EQD · June 11, 2008

I pushed her a little more on it and she said she didnt just hook up with him, so i mean that didnt clear it up, she seems pretty angry at me right now for asking but i needed a clearer picture, and unfourtanatley im not getting that

my ex used to get hot off the handle if i questioned him about something he knew he was guilty of, it was his way of trying to get me to 'drop it.' i wouldnt ask her about the incident, she could lie about it for years on end without getting tired... I'd check around to see if they were still talking to one another... if he really did rape her i doubt she would keep texting him.. and if they both have myspaces i dont think he would be on her friends list still.

metrogirl · June 11, 2008

Thing is, I don't think it's an issue you can really push. Let's assume it's like Charliebrowns experience above.

You continuously ask her about it and she's going to call you out because you question her or didn't believe her. She's most likely not going to change her story because you question her. By giving her recollection of events as is and then saying she just doesn't want to talk about it (because it's upsetting,) she's basically paved her way to having an excuse of never discussing it with you.

So point being - you'll have to either accept it for whatever it was (and give her the benefit of doubt,) or you run a huge risk of her blaming you for pushing her away (if you ask any questions.)

Excellent words spoken here...........

ycmanvs · June 11, 2008

If you think that she is telling the truth, you could suggest going to counseling with you and see if she is willing to do that. If you think that she may be lying, you should investigate further and see if she is keeping in touch with him after the fact.

charliebrown · June 11, 2008

If you think that she is telling the truth, you could suggest going to counseling with you and see if she is willing to do that. If you think that she may be lying, you should investigate further and see if she is keeping in touch with him after the fact.

this is a good idea... if she keeps in touch with him, that's pretty questionable after what he allegedly did to her.

also, either way, if she's telling the truth or not... i doubt she'll be talking to her ex much anymore because she knows you'll be honing in for all the details. maybe this will wedge them apart.

EQD · June 11, 2008

or she will just start getting better at covering her tracks...

iceman85 · June 11, 2008

Well she told me she hasnt talked to him at all and plans to not talk to him, I have checked her facebook, myspace everything and see no traces of contact recently, the only other way i could do that would be to get at her cell phone but thats easier said than done.

ycmanvs · June 11, 2008

Well she told me she hasnt talked to him at all and plans to not talk to him, I have checked her facebook, myspace everything and see no traces of contact recently, the only other way i could do that would be to get at her cell phone but thats easier said than done.

Give her the benefit of the doubt for now and see what happens, but suggest that she goes to a counselor.

iceman85 · June 11, 2008

i suggested getting help, talking to someone, reporting it, and having herself checked out but she said shes fine and doesnt want to do any of that.

I wish the horrible feeling i have would go away

Iceman26 · June 11, 2008

I'll tell you a story that I rarely speak of fellow Iceman.

When I was about 20, I was getting to know this girl. One night she came over to a friend's house and we had some drinks. One thing led to another, and we started fooling around. It was getting to "that point" and I said I needed to get a condom. She said "you don't want to have sex with me?" and I said I did I just needed to get a condom. She started to get upset for some reason so I just stayed with her.

Shortly thereafter she put my peter in her piper and we started having sex. After about 15 seconds she started to cry. I stopped and asked her what was wrong and she said she just wanted to be friends. Without hesitation I pulled out and began putting my clothes on. She asked me if I was angry and I said of course I was. She left the room and went to her friends that were partying with us and I left my friends house and went home.

I don't recall ever speaking to her again, but one of her guy friends whom I was also friends with was extremely cold to me when he saw me after this had happened. After talking to him, he said that this girl claimed that I had raped her. I was horrified and shocked that anyone would say such a thing about me. I would never and could never do that. I was really set up by her there.

My point is that you can't always believe what you hear. You can't call her a liar because you weren't there. Add up the facts and what you do know and let that be your guide.

iceman85 · June 11, 2008

well guys i appreciate the advice, i wasnt going to say anything but i just sent her this and she got pretty mad and told me that i was pushing it and to leave her alone

I've done a lot of thinking about this and I have come to the conclusion that I just dont know.

You asked me to go to the fireworks with you then I am there and you picked him over me, you could have asked him to leave

because i was coming but that didnt happen. You wont ever allow me in to somewhere with you alone, yet you allowed him to

come into your house when you were alone. I guess what I don't understand is why you didnt flip out on him for trying this and telling

him straight away to leave. I remember once you were uncomfortable with me doing stuff and you made me drive you home. I am not faulting you for

anything that occurred based on what you told me

I love you with all my heart and just want to be there to help you, however, I cannot sit here and ignore my feelings any longer

this hurts worse than anything has hurt me before, and at the moment i'm not feeling completley loved.

This is the third time that an incident like this has occurred, you promised me after the other two that never again would this happen

I know you cant predict the future but here we are. I feel like he was more important to you that night, and i'd love to be proven wrong

As someone who has cared about you for almost two years now, I can't allow myself to be placed in a position where I have to doubt things

I know its hard for you right now, but I need to know these things, because right now I am not feeling like I am getting everything I need to

I feel like if you loved me you would have told him that and that I was going to be there and he should respect that

I do that every day for you, I tell people that I love you and to shutup when they tell me I am wrong and that i should be doing something else

I am trying to be there for you through this, but right now it is hard for me when all this is going on. When you are ready to talk to me please do

because until I know about all of these things, if your love for me is true, and that trust can be rebuilt then I am going to struggle with this.

You are priority number one in my life and I would like to feel the same from you.

metrogirl · June 11, 2008