Sex on the first date mistake

[pjbouchard]

Hello....

 

I'm a 24 yr old female and I met a great guy through a mutual friend Saturday night. He's successful, respectful, sweet, etc. We went out to a couple bars and everything was awesome....great chemistry, conversation, etc. Well the alcohol was flowing a bit too much after kissing a lot, when last call came around, he asked me to go home with him. I told him yes, but he would have to drive me back home after because I couldnt spend the night. After we had sex and when he was driving me home he was still nice and sweet and asked me for my number. I believe in the car I did make a comment about how having sex on the first date might have been a bad idea, and he said he had a great time.

 

On sunday he sent me a text saying that he had an awesome time and that we needed to hang out again. I replied that I'd like that and made a point of telling him that although I didnt regret sleeping with him, that I hope that he still respected me- that I don't do friends with benefits or one night stands and I went home with him not becuase I was interested in either of those things, but because I liked him. He said "I know". We continued to text back and forth about friendly and funny things.

 

Today I realized that he did kind of ask me out on a second date, but we didn't actually plan one. I just sent him a text saying "so when should we plan hanging out?" Is this too forward?

 

Do you think that we still have a chance even though we had sex on the first date?

[lillie]

Although its not something i would do even if i wanted to!lol I wouldnt say alls lost. I mean you are adults,you dont have to do the norm & wait until society says its ok to have sex. I would not not do it because of that reason. I dont do it to minimize the risk factor,in that yes you could get pigeon holed into the category of fwb,easy etc etc.

 

But he sounds like he was ok with it,well what man wouldnt be. And you seem ok so just go for it,there isnt anything else you can do really.

Basically i think that if two adults want to go straight ahead thats fine. But i does have its risks ie how he will perceive you..

[pinkelephant]

sex or no sex is irrelevant i think at this point. usually guys don't get turned off by sex on the first date, but rather when girls get desperate after having sex.

 

 

it was probably a better idea to let him lead, but not much you can do now. just chill out.

 

 

something to think about though: when you have sex on the first date with a guy, don't play the "i never do this" card and expect him to trust it. like, really, it was a fantastic first date - but still a first date. further more, don't tell him how much you like him - esp like him enough to have sex with him AFTER THE FIRST DATE. it's a bit too much, unless you're just reciprocating from him. (take this with a grain of salt, i'm still 19 and pretty old fashion as far as dating goes).

[Lily04]

I think it's definitely still possible, in theory, although I don't know of anyone who fostered a relationship out of it. But why not? Maybe Angelina & Brad had sex on the first night they met, and they seem to be happily in love enough, lol. But seriously..I think one of the reasons why 'sex on the first night' doesn't work is because usually the parties just RUSH into sex and thereforeee aren't looking for more than that. My friend who did it was just looking to get laid fast, and usually the guy has that mentality and they get a tad lazy about the whole 'realtionship' part. Even though I know she was hoping one of the FWB situations would lead to a relationship, there isn't always a mutual interest in that. Sometimes guys are just happy with that. But it sounds like this guy really does like you and may want to date you. It's a good sign that he contacted you (although a text msg. isn't always the best way, but whatever..) and wants to meet again. Sometimes guys will just jet after getting what they want, but if you guys really had chemistry & if you're both looking for more than just sex, I don't see a reason why not.

 

Hope it works out! Sounds like it has potential. Let the guy lead for now.

[KG]

So it happened...if your chemistry was good, you shouldn't have a prob....persue him! LOL!

[Pocket Rocket]

sex or no sex is irrelevant i think at this point. usually guys don't get turned off by sex on the first date, but rather when girls get desperate after having sex.

 

From personal experience I'd say this is very true! Try not to dish out anything really heavy for now and see how it goes. Just go out, have fun, and don't pressure otherwise he might run the other way.

[Emernate]

If he was looking for a one night stand, you probably wouldn't have heard from him after the ride home. You guys have talked since then in a friendly manner. I think there is still a chance for a relationship.

 

I don't it's too forward to ask about the next date.

[Pocket Rocket]

Maybe Angelina & Brad had sex on the first night they met, and they seem to be happily in love enough, lol.

 

omg you did not just bring Brangelina into this post!? lol

[jul-els]

I don't think there's anything forward about it. If you feel like you may have went too fast and he doesn't then you may just have to chalk it up to a loss. But if you can explain how you feel and that you want to slow it down a bit and he's good with that, then cool. If that does turn out to be the case just be sure to go easy on the imbibement, at least for a little while.

[Batya33]

Nothing wrong with first date sex - you both wanted it, and you did it, no big deal. It does increase the risk that it will not be any sort of relationship but it sounds like you had a great time and the risk was worth it.

 

I wouldn't have given him all the information about how you don't do one night stands/FWB, etc - that's being defensive for one thing and, yes, you do have sex on the first date - you just did - nothing wrong with it, but why share that it's not something you typically do? Not sure what the point was.

 

I think the ball is in his court to plan a time and place for a date - not just to hang out/hook up. Texting with someone you don't know very well is bound to lead to misunderstanding or ambiguity especially when you're feeling vulnerable about the first date sex.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would have cautioned against asking when to meet up again. He first mentioned it but did not actually plan a date...you agreed with his suggestion that you hang out again. Given that you already looked insecure by asking him if he still respects you etc etc...by pushing the issue of when will you get together again next, it made you look even more insecure. Normally I wouldn't have an issue with women initiating a second date..but given the circumstances of the first date and the fact that you have already shown insecurity about having slept with him so soon, by pushing the second date it makes it seem like you are trying to push too hard to move this along so that your fears about having sex too soon can be laid to rest. I would back off right now and let him decide when he wants to get together with you.

 

As far as telling a guy you think the sex so soon was a mistake...of course most guys are not going to say "yes it was a mistake" because they are hoping to get more action. Also..the respect issue...no guy is going to say that he doesn't respect you...certainly if they want more action they will tell you whatever you want to hear so that you will feel better and be more inclined to put out again. If you don't want this to turn into hookups, I would suggest that you remain in public places on the next few dates...and don't drink.

[Lily04]

 

As far as telling a guy you think the sex so soon was a mistake...of course most guys are not going to say "yes it was a mistake" because they are hoping to get more action. Also..the respect issue...no guy is going to say that he doesn't respect you...certainly if they want more action they will tell you whatever you want to hear so that you will feel better and be more inclined to put out again. If you don't want this to turn into hookups, I would suggest that you remain in public places on the next few dates...and don't drink.

 

Some good advice here. I know I suspected some guys were players or only wanting sex... in one case we met (twice) at a club. For the next date, he only asked me out to another club. I said I'd rather go for coffee. Never heard from him again (note that we didn't hook up, but he did ask me to go home to his house the first night, and I told him directly I don't do one-night stands or hook up the first night... so we didn't. But I suspected he may just want that. He also said he wasn't really looking for a relationship.) I did learn some things since about men, though... I think I may have appeared too anxious for a relationship at the time, but the fact that your guy is more responsive and contacting you first, etc. shows more interest. My guy waited like almost 3 weeks before even ASKING me out again and even then was lazy about it, so I quickly cut him off. From the start there are usually warning signs, but the above poster was right that if he wants sex badly enough & thinks you've fell for him hard, he may just say whatever he thinks you'll like in order to get you to give him what he wants... so to test him out a bit, I'd definitely wait on having sex again and try to get to know each other better, as people, without the drinks.

[rosephase]

All you can go on is your feelings. I had sex on the first date with my boyfriend on 2.5 years and it was amazing we where falling hard for each other. There is nothing wrong with it. You have sexual attraction, you have a guy you like, and it sounds like he likes you. Send the text. Sex is only a big deal in our world because we make it a big deal. It's best to just go with how you feel and see where it goes no use in 2nd guessing yourself now.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add that sex is a big deal to some people - including to me - and not because I "make it that way" because it is, it always has been, I suspect it always will be. I think too many women rationalize having sex early on as "no big deal" when deep down it is a big deal to them - and denying those feelings or values is a mistake. In your case, it's obvious that it's not a big deal to you and that your standard is "if you're sexually attracted, and you're two adults, have sex" - and that's cool but it doesn't mean it's anyone else's standard or that someone who has a different standard is following some sort of societal pressure (I would think that girls who have sex early on also could be succumbing to societal pressure).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wanted to add that sex is a big deal to some people - including to me - and not because I "make it that way" because it is, it always has been, I suspect it always will be. I think too many women rationalize having sex early on as "no big deal" when deep down it is a big deal to them - and denying those feelings or values is a mistake. In your case, it's obvious that it's not a big deal to you and that your standard is "if you're sexually attracted, and you're two adults, have sex" - and that's cool but it doesn't mean it's anyone else's standard or that someone who has a different standard is following some sort of societal pressure (I would think that girls who have sex early on also could be succumbing to societal pressure).

 

 

I agree. I will also add that it is clear it is also a big deal to the OP because after the fact, when the lust and alcohol wore off, she was second-guessing her decision and trying to "fix" the impression she had given this guy. When someone thinks sex is no big deal, they would not react like the OP reacted afterwards. The most important thing is to be true to yourself..not everyone can trivialize sex.

[sara1]

I understand and empathize with the OP as this is a topic that females find themselves in and seems to have much greater reprecussion than a male experiencing the same.

 

I would just say see how mature he responds..........

good luck

[lillie]

I understand and empathize with the OP as this is a topic that females find themselves in and seems to have much greater reprecussion than a male experiencing the same.

 

I would just say see how mature he responds..........

good luck

 

Yes this is so right,and so not fair! I mean i would say im a sexually liberated woman who enjoys sex a lot!lol But the stigma that comes with women who sleep with men on the first date is still with us in 2008! And it really annoys me. Men are seen as studs when they do it on the first night whereas women are seen as promiscuous. When is this ever going to change???

 

And i run my sex life according to this rubbish! How daft am i? But i have a secret weapon to stop me from jumping into bed on the first night,his name is **** my fwb,and he comes in handy!

[Batya33]

I am a sexually liberated woman too and I am 99% sure I would never have casual sex (and never have). A person who sleeps around isn't necessarily sexually liberated, she just might be too scared to have sex within a loving relationship because of the increased emotional vulnerability, she might just enjoy sex with strangers, whatever - many different reasons, no judgments here.

 

I never understood why being interested in casual sex made the person more "liberated" - I personally would find it "imprisoning" because I would be engaging in behavior that would go against my emotional makeup. I find it very liberating to know myself, know what makes me comfortable and expresss myself that way within a committed relationship. Obviously that wouldn't float everyone's boat, but to call me less liberated because I don't choose to have casual sex -- or to call someone who does, more liberated - makes no sense to me.

 

I do agree there is still somewhat of a stigma but more often I find that women feel pressure to be "sexually liberated" as you define it - engage in casual sex - and then later regret it, and later blame the guy for "using" them even though they agreed to have casual sex. That helps to perpetuates the belief that women in general can't handle casual sex and that those who can are somehow less ladylike.

 

Does it really make you feel "liberated" to use another person to get off so that you won't be as tempted to have sex on the first date? (I assume then he is using you for the same reason and you are both cool with that) I am refraining from judging it just struck me in your post that you are so focused on being liberated while boasting about your "secret weapon" - I mention that only because you shared that as some sort of personal triumph.

[lillie]

Im not sure if your post was aimed at me,but i hope not as i never mentioned anything about what you've said in your post. I agree being sexually liberated has many connotations including being in a loving relationship. Im not promiscuous either but like the OP has done,i would like to have sex as & when i choose to do so & not when society says i should. But it definitely different for women. But if i did sleep with someone on the first night there shouldnt be a problem between two consenting adults.

 

I suppose really we should ask the male population what they think about girls who have sex on the first date. I know the men who have replied to this post agree that its not a problem,but i doubt all men would say that.

[lillie]

Sorry i replied to your post but now you seem to have added another paragraph,unless im going daft!lol

 

Ps...i havent defined 'sexually liberated'?

[Batya33]

Well, no, the OP was uncomfortable with her choice of having sex on the first date - and not because of society - that's not how I read it - she had regrets.

 

Thanks for clarifying what you meant by sexually liberated - too often I see that equated with promiscuity or sexual experimentation with different partners.

 

What I think is wrong is a woman who chooses to have sex on the first date, then regrets it, then blames the man for "using" her if he doesnt' call again. That's unfair to the man. If a person is going to have no strings attached sex there should be no emotional expectations or expectations of a phone call or of another date. It's the same as if they didn't have sex and the guy didn't call - which often happens after just one date.

[lillie]

Well, no, the OP was uncomfortable with her choice of having sex on the first date - and not because of society - that's not how I read it - she had regrets.

 

Thanks for clarifying what you meant by sexually liberated - too often I see that equated with promiscuity or sexual experimentation with different partners.

 

What I think is wrong is a woman who chooses to have sex on the first date, then regrets it, then blames the man for "using" her if he doesnt' call again. That's unfair to the man. If a person is going to have no strings attached sex there should be no emotional expectations or expectations of a phone call or of another date. It's the same as if they didn't have sex and the guy didn't call - which often happens after just one date.

 

I wouldnt say the op had regrets,just perhaps a little doubt about what she had done,which in turn was probably brought on by the stigma i have mentioned earlier,which being sexualy liberated i think it shouldnt have a bearing on how people conduct their sex lives,but it does..Does that make sense?

I have to agree with you about how women have sex & then expect something. It just shouldnt happen that way and the woman should just treat it as two people having sex with no questions or commitment,but they do get upset. If they can't handle it they shouldnt do it basically.

 

As for my particular situation with said fwb,well yes its just sex with no commitment or strings. But its not as sordid as you may think,we do actually care about each other & like each other. Its just that he is a 'cp' and i have been out of the dating game for so long that if i didnt sleep with him i would be a nun! And being laid back about sex i have no quarms with us doing this for one another. I know there are many on here that think that fwb are a terrible thing. It just happens to work for me & him. Although i did go through a strange time accepting it as just sex in the early days,but not any more..

[EQD]

my expirience with sex on first date.. is that you end up not liking the guy you just had sex with.. or even being repulsed by him. so then you have to deal with the fact you just had sex with a loser.... not worth it for me.

[Batya33]

I don't agree that the OP feels badly because of society's stigma.

 

I was reacting to your decision to have sex with your sex buddy as a way to get off so that you wouldn't be tempted to have sex on the first date with someone else - your secret weapon comment.

 

I don't think no strings attached sex is sordid. I think it can involve caring, emotions, the rest. What it does not involve by definition is a relationship type commitment and what it does involve by definition is a focus on sex as the reason for spending time together. I do not consider it a "status" like I do a romantic, committed relationship - it's simply two people who hang out when they're horny in order to have sex whether feelings are involved or not. That's not a status just like I don't have a status with the former co-worker I meet for coffee every six weeks when we feel like catching up - we're friends but I wouldn't label her as "we are breakfast buddies."

 

I think those who use the euphemism "FWB" often - but not always - are uncomfortable saying what it really is. And very often it has little to do with friendships and using the term "benefits" for sexual intercourse seems a bit silly in my humble opinion. A person who is comfortable with it shouldn't need to use those euphemisms.

 

I am not judging any of that - just stating the plain facts, ma'm.

[lillie]

Well he is my friend (ex b/f too) and it is beneficial. Im not afraid to state what it is at all. I just prefer the fwb term to fu**buddy! So i am comfortable with it,what would you suggest i/we call it?