age old Q... should a girl call after 1st date?

[LAYAAN]

Hello all,

I had a coffee date with someone. I showed up 1/2 hour late but I called 1/2 hour before & let him know that. I also apologized for the delay after I showed up. For the most part, I felt good about the date. While the going was still good, after about an hour or so, I said that I should leave now. It has been almost 10 days now & he hasn't contacted me back.

Should I call him? send him a message on the dating site (where he contacted me first)? He has not closed the match yet. I was hoping that he will ask me for my phone no. before we left. He didn't. So, I didn't give it to him.

Honestly, I just want to know if there is more to it or not, that way I can close the match & move on. But I'm also wondering if he was interested he should have pursued it by now. So if his interest level is so low to begin with, is it worth asking? I did mention briefly that I have exams coming up in a week's time, so is he waiting for that?

What to do?

Thank you for your time & attention & your help is much valued.

[Aschleigh]

feel it. Do you feel like calling? Do what feels right.

[chocolates]

Unfortunately, it is a sad fact of life, that even after years of feminism and womens liberation, if you make the first call after a date, the guy will lose interest, even if he was interested to begin with.

 

Guys like to chase.

 

Its biology, I dont know what it is but its just true.

 

Basically if you are female, you need to be too busy to call, and be unavailable and hard to catch in order to keep a guys interest.

 

Sounds jaded, but really it is actually true.

[arnold]

Hi tinu,

 

I would have to agree with Aschleigh, if you really enjoyed the date with this guy and want to see him again there is absolutely nothing wrong with calling him. The most important thing is that you are being honest with yourself in your assessment of the date.

 

If you really, genuinely felt it went well then chances are the only reason he has not called you is because he is unsure of whether you are interested!

 

And hey, the worst case scenario is that he is not interested - in which case at least you'll know and be able to stop wondering and move on

[Jayar]

Unfortunately, it is a sad fact of life, that even after years of feminism and womens liberation, if you make the first call after a date, the guy will lose interest, even if he was interested to begin with.

 

Guys like to chase.

 

Its biology, I dont know what it is but its just true.

 

Basically if you are female, you need to be too busy to call, and be unavailable and hard to catch in order to keep a guys interest.

 

Sounds jaded, but really it is actually true.

 

I agree with this. Don't call. But be sweet to him when he calls you. Good luck!

[LanceVanceDance]

Unfortunately, it is a sad fact of life, that even after years of feminism and womens liberation, if you make the first call after a date, the guy will lose interest, even if he was interested to begin with.

 

Guys like to chase.

 

Its biology, I dont know what it is but its just true.

 

Basically if you are female, you need to be too busy to call, and be unavailable and hard to catch in order to keep a guys interest.

 

Sounds jaded, but really it is actually true.

 

 

Don't listen to gross generalisations like this. As a guy, I know I get quickly tired of females whom I always have to chase. A little bit of unavailability is ok at the beginning, but if you keep this s--- up after we're better acquainted, I'm out.

 

Anyway... He didn't ask for your number and hasn't contacted you in ten days, it seems like he's not very interested, sorry... But sending him a message just to make sure won't hurt, if you feel like doing that.

[d24]

10 days ago?

Give up.

It's not going to happen

[chocolates]

Don't listen to gross generalisations like this. As a guy, I know I get quickly tired of females whom I always have to chase. A little bit of unavailability is ok at the beginning, but if you keep this s--- up after we're better acquainted, I'm out.

 

Anyway... He didn't ask for your number and hasn't contacted you in ten days, it seems like he's not very interested, sorry... But sending him a message just to make sure won't hurt, if you feel like doing that.

 

That is what i mean- in the beginning- the first couple of weeks.

[LAYAAN]

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for your rapid reply. I really appreciate it.

I think, I'm just going to close the match. But I'll write a message to him before that. I'm not going to call him. I just don't have the courage to leave a message (I don't even know what to say) & if he sees my no. & doesn't answer, I can't take that either (boy, this was my 1st ever date, I come from a different culture & I'm beginning to realize that online dating is not for faint hearted people like me).

I'm thinking of a message like this -

"Hello XYZ, Silence from your side for over a week has spoken volumes. It was nice meeting you. Good luck!" & then I'll close the match.

What do you think of this?

or just close the match leaving no message n giving no solid reason?

 

Thank you again for your input.

[d24]

save face.

close the match and dont message him.

if he emails you back then hey, you get what you wanted

 

dont hold out any hope though, internet dating is cutthroat

[DN]

It is strange how many people, men and women, keep repeating the same old mantra about men like the chase etc. It's as if they never read the posts from the men on here who either get tired of that game, never played it or are too shy to engage in it.

 

It is true that some men are like that but it is equally true that there are many who are not. Women really do themselves a disservice by acting as if all men do.

[Jayar]

It is strange how many people, men and women, keep repeating the same old mantra about men like the chase etc. It's as if they never read the posts from the men on here who either get tired of that game, never played it or are too shy to engage in it.

 

It is true that some men are like that but it is equally true that there are many who are not. Women really do themselves a disservice by acting as if all men do.

 

I think it depends on the forum you read, and/or how you interpret the posts. I see hundreds upon hundreds of posts from girls who's guys got tired of and cheated on them even though she thought it impossible, since they "talked every night and six times during the day". And hundreds of posts about women who don't "get" why their guy is blowing them off...

 

And lots and lots of posts from guys who keep chasing after "that girl" who doesn't give him the time of day. They want to know how to win her over.

 

To me, this suggests that there's more truth to it than not. Of course there must be balance with all things.

[LanceVanceDance]

I think it depends on the forum you read, and/or how you interpret the posts. I see hundreds upon hundreds of posts from girls who's guys got tired of and cheated on them even though she thought it impossible, since they "talked every night and six times during the day". And hundreds of posts about women who don't "get" why their guy is blowing them off...

 

And lots and lots of posts from guys who keep chasing after "that girl" who doesn't give him the time of day. They want to know how to win her over.

 

To me, this suggests that there's more truth to it than not. Of course there must be balance with all things.

 

 

Every time a girl tried to play the "Chase me! Win me over! Catch me!" game with me, I became fed up pretty quickly, was generally very dissatisfied with the "relationship" if you can call it that, and moved on.

 

The good relationships I have are always the ones when the girl is reliable and available, which makes me happy being with her and makes me want to treat her right... and NOT the relationships that make me want to complain about the girl and her distant attitude and/or unavailability.

 

Your conclusion that these "hundreds of girls" got cheated on/dumped because they were too available is patchy. There are many other reasons that can make a relationship go wrong.

 

Guys post about the girls who give them a hard time because there is no point creating a thread to talk about how your relationship is going well.

[Jayar]

Ah, but VANCE! There is a difference between being busy and non-clingy, and having other priorities in the beginning and being a rude/bee-otch/flake.

 

Just because I don't text a guy six times a day, or answer the phone every time, it doesn't make me any less considerate. Usually the guys I date find it exceptionally refreshing, after dating girls who treat them like kids, or call them pookie-bear at work after date two and pout when he doesn't call them snuggle-kins right back.

[LAYAAN]

Hello all,

Thank you for replying. I really value it.

I closed the match, gave the reason "other". I feel relieved.

Thank you "tuxthecutey" for your honest feedback. Your message made me realize that sending a written message is almost like calling. I think, I'm too naive.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, you showed up 1/2 hour late and then you called it quits a little over an hour after the date started. It is no wonder he didn't call you back...it is possible that you didn't exactly give a very good impression. Despite the fact that you apologized about being late...you certainly ended the date in a hurry if things were going that well. So I think you actually should have contacted...certainly before the 10 day mark...just to show your interest level...ask him how he is doing. This whole "wait 'til the guy calls" is BS. It is funny to me how women are ready to lift their skirts and do the horizontal mambo at the drop of a hat while at the same time clinging to old-fashioned notions of the guy having to call and chase! If you want to be a "modern" woman with free sexuality...then why this "oh, no, no, heaven forbid I should make a phone call...that would send a message that I am too eager!"

You should have called...and if it didn't go anywhere, at least you tried...but you really didn't set up a good impression and a phone call early on could have changed a negative impression to a positive one.

[skyblue1]

I'm kinda in the same boat as you are darling. 10 days later doesn't sound very good. I have been waiting for 4 days and no reply from the guy. Thinking about it today if a guy likes you they will contact you. To be honest with you i'd prob leave it hate the chasing and dating game. Try not to get down about it. Wish he does contact you though

[Batya33]

This has nothing to do with chasing. This has to do with a man who didn't bother to get the woman's phone number even which says to me right off the bat, lukewarm interest. Calling is not going to increase the interest and might even decrease it - is that part of the "chasing myth?" No - it's about the general truth - with few exceptions - that a man typically feels the most comfortable doing more of the calling in the beginning, if not most. Which the woman should respond to with enthusiasm - which is not a "chase" dynamic. Chasing is the man calling the woman and the woman not returning the first 5 calls to see how many times he will call to "win" her over.

 

OP - please don't send him that redundant e-mail about his silence. Silence at this point is 99% certain to mean non-interest. The e-mail would sound desperate. He is not waiting for your exams to end - he would have called to say "I know you have exams, let's make a plan for after/I will call you right after and we'll make a plan." No way would he want you to go into exams without hearing from him and perhaps forgetting about him.

 

Dating is not for the fainthearted, it's true - nothing to do with meeting the person on line. Many people go on a first date that goes well but there is no call after. Could be many reasons and likely has nothing to do with you, because he barely knew you. I was able to toughen up and I in general had a positive experience meeting people through on line sites. And a significant percentage didn't call and there were several of them I thought I really clicked with.

 

Good luck.

[bambina maxima]

Hey tinu. Chalk this up to inexperience. Dating is tricky and the only way to learn how to do it is to DO it, so good on you for getting your feet wet.

 

Next time, if you're really interested, don't bail just after the date has started. Is there a reason you left so quickly? Were you trying to play hard to get? Generally leaving after a little over an hour would signal that you needed to get out of dodge.

 

Even if he DID like you, it seems you must have given the impression that you weren't into him. I think in this case, he probably deserved a call if you were really interested.

 

Chin up, though, you'll meet lots of people and it will get easier. It's like interviews... you're scared silly and nervous as hell the first few times around, but after several rejections, you've been through it all and you know what you're about. Learn and jump back in! (And have fun!)

[Mindy1607307824]

Mmmmmm I wouldn't call.

[EQD]

I agree with this. Don't call. But be sweet to him when he calls you. Good luck!

 

i think he will find difficulty in calling as he doesnt have her number.

i guess you all mean 'email'

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I certainly wouldn't make generalizations about men and calling. Certainly in this particular case SHE was the one who gave off signals that she wasn't interested, by running late, and then running off quickly. No wonder he didn't take her phone number...if someone did that to me I would naturally assume disinterest. So the onus should have been up to her to correct the impression she made if she was really that interested. Dating is a two way street...if a man become disinterested in woman just because she calls him after the first date..even to say she had a nice time...then that doesn't say much about the man. These "rules of dating" with respect to phone calls, playing coy etc are for the birds...I certainly wouldn't want a man who gets turned off by a woman who makes a phone call to him after the first date.

[Batya33]

I once got turned off because after a second date he called me twice - the first time he called I told him that I could not speak at the moment but would call him back later. The second time he called was 1.5 hours later to say he was worried that I had not yet return the call. That plus some other signs of insecurity on date two, were the last straw and I was done. I found out later through a reliable source that he was unstable so apparently my impressions were accurate.

 

The early stages are fragile when impressions are being formed and if a man tells a woman he will call her she needs to refrain from calling him - if she does, that is at least slightly annoying if not a turn off.

 

I didn't read her post as you did, but if I believed that I had acted disinterested on a date, or been unreliable and did not express my apologies and confirm my interest while on the date, I might consider following up right after to write "thanks again for coffee - it was nice meeting you and I look forward to meeting you again." However, when I was interested in a man I made sure that I showed appreciation and reasonable enthusiasm, plus gave a sincere thank you for taking the time to meet me and/or treating me to a drink, whatever.

[Carmine]

I never got the whole "men are supposed to call" rule. Aren't women the ones that like to talk? =p

[Batya33]

LOL yes women love to talk, but the calling thing is not to "talk" but to make a plan for another date.